Japanese boyfriend reacts distant

So its now about four months that i am dating a japanese guy who never dated a non-japanese person before and i´m utterly confused about our relationships.

Firstly I find it strange that in this four months being together he never said any nice things to me or compliments, or even telling me he woud like me.

I´m not 100% if he likes me or not and i´m still trying to figure that out. but he's really hard to read as he never talks about his feelings or his thoughs.
When I directly ask him he just quickly makes a joke or changes the topic.

Sometimes I do feel though that he must like me somehow as we hang out a lot and he does a lot of things for me like cooking me meals, preparing me a romantic picnic etc. and so on and he enjoys being together with me for a whole weekend.

Hope someone could give me an opinion about if it would be rather normal that a japanese guy never says anything nice like compliments etc. to their girlfriends.
thanks for your answers in advance.

Most guys tend not to talk about their feelings like girls do.You say the both of you spend a lot of time together and he does these things for you.This should be proof enough that he likes you.The important thing to remember is don't focus on what he say or doesn't say look at his actions.

Just curious, if he never said she likes you nor compliments, how did you become his gf?

Thanks for your replies.

I was just wondering if showing feelings or talking about feelings is not really common amongst japanese guys?
Well coming from southern europe, his behaviour is really like a cold shower to me :(
And besides that I do make him compliments which he doesnt seem to mind.

He became my boyfriend after we had a few dates and we confessed we were interested in eachother.

He became my boyfriend after we had a few dates and we confessed we were interested in eachother.

That's great!
I don't understand what you are complaining for.
You two went on a date, he liked you enough to meet you again and again, and he even confessed to you that he wants you to be boyfriend and girlfriend.
You are lucky. Take this from a girl who wasn't so lucky in the past.
I even posted a thread about my situation last year: http://www.japan-guide.com/forum/quereadisplay.html?0+93476
You are lucky!

I think im agree with saiyajin that “most guys tends not to talk about their feelings like girls do”. Maybe for him to always confess with words are not important but he proof with action “important” as he did to you, than a lot of ton romantic words but just in mouth, it is hurt rait??. You can consider it is his character that is a little cold. one more, if you talk with him and he is afraid to see your eyes, it means he has a deep feeling with you.

Sorry it took me so long to reply but I had some problems with the log-in into my account.

So various weeks have been passing and tomorrow its going to be half a year that i´m together with my japanese boyfriend.

However he remains cold, for example not saying a word when i tell him i would love him. I feel like I make him uncomfortable because he always makes a joke out of it by replying something silly.


The thing is also he will move back to japan in october and i dont know what is going to happen after that.
He knows how much I would love to come to japan with him but we never speak about it. The thing is also in Japan he lives with his family (He never lived by himself even though he is 38 years old) so I almost give up thinking about our future together unless a miracle would happen.

I really start doubting about the relationship ...

He is 38? how old are you? around his age or much younger?
He plan to go back to Japan, he doesn't gives you compliments...this means that you were convenient but he had no interest in a long term relationship.

This has nothing to do with him being Japanese.
Many men, of any nationality, that plan to stay in another country for a while, but not that long, look for a temporary partner only.

yes i know what you mean but we are already 6 months together. he said he wants go get married with me in the future (but not now)

well i´m 32 and he is 38

honestly i dont know where this relationship is going :(

Given your ages, and the logistics of an international relationship, if all he said is that he wants to get married to you in the future, I think he's not serious. But it's just speculation.

he said he wants go get married with me in the future (but not now)

Sorry to say this, but, he probably isn't looking for a commitment.
When a man says such thing to a woman, it usually implies that he doesn't view her as a spouse.

I'm talking from personal experience. All these: "Let's get married some day", "I want to marry you in the future", etc, are all too familiar to me. They all mean: "You are not Ms Right", you are "Ms Right now"

I think Rora is right. You're just his for now girlfriend but doesn't intend on getting serious with you . It's different from saying "I want to get in the future, but not until after a year (so on)." If he's a young person saying it, then that's a different thing. But he's 38.

There is one obvious way to find out and that is to ask him directly and only except an answer that truly answers your question.

If he won't give you a direct answer say goodbye.

Not knowing exactly the culture but it would concern me that a 38 year guy has never leave away from his parents.

Not knowing exactly the culture but it would concern me that a 38 year guy has never leave away from his parents.

Maybe he just hasn't found the right woman to settle down with...in some people's cases anyway...

In Japan it's not considered strange or in usual to live in your family's home or on the property if you're not married, like it would be for westerners. I know of a guy in his early 40s in this situation although currently he's away due to a job relocation. He's unmarried, but works a lot.

SSJ I understand but my real point is she should just ask the guy directly and get an answer.

You need to ask him directly but in a good manner, since you’ve been with him, you maybe know his weaknesses. Use that as a weapon to make him more open or whatever you want him to be for you.
But as what my Japanese women friend once said to me, she sukijanai Japanese boy because they are very shy, no say I LOVE YOU, no hugs, no kisses. So is your boyfriend can be one on the list?

Well firstly thanks to everyone who helped me and replied to this forum.

after reading all your responses which i appreciate greatly, i had a talk with my boyfriend today.

He feels so uncomfortable being in an really intimate situation as he cannot express his feelings but i really wanted to resolve this issue and I could not wait any longer.

So I told him I loved him in japanese. 私はあなたを愛しています。He reacted really shocked and said he would love me but only a little bit (I cant say if it was a joke or not because he was so confused and laughed as he always does when we get to talk about something intimate. )

I asked him, since we are dating for a couple of months - if this relationship has any future such as the opportunity of getting married and stuff.
So I thought i´m going to ask him this very sincerely in japanese.
When I said to him "Anata ni kekkon wo shitai desu" (I want to marry you.
He said to me " Yada!!!· which means technically "I don't want to" or "I hate... " He repeated that maybe in the future but not now.

It was the first time I asked someone to marry me and i got this as a response. I´m truly hurt like I cant even tell - and I´m giving up now and I do not think I can improve our relationship - whatever I do.

I always treated him so great always but I feel I do not get back anything at all - not even compliments or nice words- even if I try really hard to do my best ...

Its just never happening.

so I just wanted to let you all know that this guy ways very cold not only because he is a japanese guy - he is cold because he was actually never really into me.

Maybe he liked me as a friend and was comfortable with me, but that was about it.

I only wanted to share my experience and I appreciate that you all read this what I posted.

Good Luck for everyone and thanks again for your help giving me your opinions.

You know what, he's not worth your time if that's the response he gave back to you. That's just way too cold :( I hope you feel better and. You deserve someone better and loving back towards you.

I'm married to a Japanese guy. Lived in the country 13 years now. In general, Japanese men are very shy & don't talk about their feelings much. If he is spending lots of time with you, sending lots of emails, offering to help you with everything and anything, well, he loves you.
In Japan, public displays of affection are looked down upon. Japanese are private people in general; they keep family matters quiet. That said, if he is truly interested, he will propose quickly! Most Japanese get engaged in 6 months to a year of dating.
I hope my experience helps you.

There have been many studies that show while people are becoming more accepting about dating outside their race people still have issues about marrying outside their race. This problem mostly occurs in cultures that highly value their parents decision in whom they marry and those same parents usually prefer they marry inside their race. Random thought could be right or wrong, my personal opinion is that a guy should say the L word before a girl and if he doesn't say it at least after a few months of serious dating then he's probably just playing the field.