Japanese Wedding Unease

I've been living in Japan for some time and had the chance to attend a few weddings and nijikai's.

I work for a large Japanese firm, and a lot of my coworkers (as well as some non-work related acquaintances) will be getting married over the next year.

Of course the cost is a factor, also I feel money is an impersonal gift (especially frustrating when some of that money is so I can chose a gift from a catalogue). I also don't enjoy the clothes I must wear and find the events themselves stressful (bosses are present, I'm often the only foreigner which is repeatedly pointed out by well-meaning strangers). Just to be clear, I'm happy for the couple, it's just the wedding/"show" that makes me uncomfortable.
So, I have usually declined or only attended from the nijikai, and sometimes sent a personal gift separately.

However since I joined this company the invitations are rolling in. I don't want to be rude and my company cares a lot about "otsukiai" and your personal image, but the thought of spending that much time/money on 2+ weddings a month is stressing me out.

I searched on the web and it seems a lot of people (even Japanese) feel the same. However, I don't have children or mysterious relatives that I can claim are getting married the same day. ;) I do like these people, and we have to continue to work together (not always directly). I appreciate the invitation but just this is just one cultural difference that is rather not be a part of, without offending anyone or coming off as rude with excuses.

If anyone feels the same or has advice on how to handle this I would really appreciate it.

Unless you have close personal relationship with co-workers, no need to attend the wedding, or, you have a higher work position.

People who invite work mates to his/her wedding normally have no friends.

I'm not sure about your work environment but you can kindly decline the invitation, but need to send a small wedding gift(worth 2000-3000 Yen) such as a box of cookies and/or chocolate with a card. But you can not expect any return nor ask them to attend your wedding if you do so.

Those people who was asked to attend a wedding with short of money is called "Kotobuki-binbo"(Happy poor). People who are 20s and 30s of age all know the word and meaning.

Thanks for the information! :)

Actually I think they have a lot of friends! So they have a really big wedding with many family, friends and osewa no natta hito who they have a good relationship.

So I wonder if there is a good excuse I should give. I think saying "I don't enjoy Japanese weddings" is rude or ask to only go to nijikai. My coworkers will ask why I didn't go but I don't know how to answer.

Why do you need a specific reason? Just say "sorry, I made plans already for that day that cannot be changed". End of story.

scareddragon (cute username btw)
Typically I get a "save the date" 3-4 months in advance, then the official RSVP 1-2 months before. So it's hard to make a weak excuse.

Also maybe it's not typical but when I declined before, I was asked several times by coworkers afterwards. about it I just wondered if there was a good way to handle these things.

Sorry, scarreddragon not scareddragon! My mistake!

You can just say sorry but you have something you simply cannot get away from. Saying generally that you are busy is not polite, and while young people often feel the pressure on their wallet for that much money, you can't really state as a reason either... so the consensus seems to be just to say that you'd love to celebrate with them, but that you've got something you simply cannot get away from, and say no more. "Dou shite mo hazusenai youji ga atte..."

Everyone always gets it wrong, it's cool ;p

Basically what AK said, although I've never thought that saying "I've made other plans" was not polite. However I'd go with AK's suggestions since they know more than me! But for example, I often make travel plans up to a year in advance, sometimes more. It is definitely not unheard of to have plans that far ahead, so I don't think you need to worry about that. And if a coworker presses you, just repeat what you've already said without elaborating.

Oh, I don't think "I've made other plans" is impolite... just stating the fact that there is something you cannot get away from would suffice and not offend, I thought.

What I have read in other (local) forums is that saying generally you are too busy to go, or saying you have work to do (well, you can't quite use that with colleagues anyway) is not polite...

how much is �j‹V, shugi ?
30000 yen and a present ?

pure fluke,

I understand what you are talking about, because like you said, I see similar problems on the Japanese internet all the time. I guess you're just here in hope to learn something from a non-Japanese point-of-view.

Unfortunately, I can't speak for you, because (A) I'm Japanese, (B) I'm self-employed, (C) I don't belong to the wedding generation, (D) most of my aquaintances never got married in the first place and (E) fortunately my relatives are very un-conservative, even those who are from Fukui and Nagoya.

Actually though, I have declined an invitation once, and that was because I got fever (true) a few days before the wedding. The bride sent me the hikidemono later, so I must've or should've sent an equavalent gift, but at least I didn't have to attend it. So that's one hint for you.

If you are in a position to speak up and change things, you might want to suggest to your friends and colleagues that weddings should be simplified, entertaining and reasonable.

In fact, the most recent wedding I attended was something like that. It was held in a kekkonshikijou in the countryside of a conservative area (all equipped with the fake white priest), but it was pretty much produced by the gang of friends themselves with lots of exciting performances (bride and bridegroom seem to be great night-clubbers).

The fee was obviously inexpensive and yet the feast was pretty good. At least it wasn't one of those wa-yo-setchu banquettes. Not-too-sweat cocktails and perfect steak. The group of people going together also discussed the amount of gift money and agreed we don't spend too much.

So weddings like these do exist, even though they're not a nijikais. Perhaps you can suggest in advance nicer weddings to colleagues who are yet to get married.

Anyway, kan-kon-sou-sai can be really difficult when you're stuck in a difficult area/relationship. That's why my friends and relatives try hard to maintain simplicity whenever we give a funeral.

By the way, my friends and relatives never wear that lame attire. As a woman I've never worn black to a wedding, and the men I know usually wear bow ties instead of that white fat thing, and many male guests I've seen wear tuxes and suits of non-black color. You're pretty much free to wear anything as long as it's formal or semi-formal or whatever they expect for.

AK that makes sense, and I agree. I think the general consensus is that a non-specific excuse is the best way to go!

Maybe after while people will stop inviting you if you don't go to any of them? You can hope at least!

If you think that it is hard to tell a colleague that you can't attend his/her wedding...

I managed NOT to go to my brother's 2 weddings! (one after the other..both ended in messy divorces)
He didn't really care that I didn't attend..as he wasn't eager to be married.
My mom and the 2 successive brides were the ones that made a big fuss..

At least you know that if you get so many invitations, they like you! But I can totally relate to how you feel, I feel super awkward when I attend Japanese functions because I'm the only foreigner there and my Japanese ability isn't so good so I end up feeling very self-conscious. If you're a foreigner maybe you can make up an excuse that you have friends or family who are visiting you that weekend and you can't attend because you have to show them around.

AK Thank you! Now just to avoid when people ask me exactly what those plans are...

Scarreddragon Yeah, I didn't think so either! I guess that's why I was surprised to be questioned afterwards.

Ken I believe 30,000 yen for shuugi, about between 6,000 and 9,000 for 2jikai. then a gift, travel expenses, having your hair formally set and an outfit if you don't have one!

Ucothank you for the detailed answer! You and your friends sound open minded (I'd like to think like my friends.too!) Shame my (mostly lovely) coworkers are so traditional and care about "the correct way to do things" :/ but if I get married, I hope I can have a chilled, fun, casual event that people don't pay silly amounts of money to attend!

redfrog Maybe you had a sixth sense or could see the future outcome!

jennjett I do appreciate the invitations! But sometimes they are just inviting the whole team or other times I like them but don't see them outside of work.

Thank you for the compliment, but I hope you know that you don't have to spend your money on "having your hair formally set and an outfit if you don't have one" no matter how "right" they want their receptions to be. I've been to conservative weddings, but I don't think that's expected at all. You can do your hair by yourself and wear the same 10000 yen suit for every invitation.