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Usage of anata and aishiteru 2016/12/23 06:15
I'm in a long distance relationship with a Japanese guy, and we text every day. But to my surprise, he uses "anata" a lot when addressing me in his messages. I'm studying Japanese and I thought that it is not common to use "anata" in casual conversation, and sometimes even rude. I try to address him by first name but now that he uses "anata," I've started using it too.

He's also said "I love you" to me in English many times but once he said "anata o aishite imasu," using "aishiteru" another Japanese word that I thought was rarely used. I asked him about it, saying that I thought "aishiteru" wasn't used very often. He was very surprised and said that people often use it with people they like. So now I am confused about when it is acceptable to use "anata" and "aishiteru" because I've heard many different things.
by Purple (guest)  

Re: Usage of anata and aishiteru 2016/12/24 06:06
I'm not a Japanese, but in a relationship with a Japanese girl.

From my understanding it's unusual to say "anata" to someone in a casual way. You can see in Japanese drama that couples use it to adress each other so I wouldn't say it's wrong how you are using it right now.

I don't adress my Girlfriend with "anata" when I speak japanese, I did it one time and it made her chuckle a bit, older age couple use it much more than younger one she told me.

Now about "Aishiteru", I'm 100% that people who just like someone would never use "Aishiteru" to describe this person, would be more appropriate "suki".

When you translate Suki and Aishiteru both mean "I love", but this is pretty much wrong about emotions.

You can say "Aishiteru" when you truly and deaply love someone.
You can say "Suki" when you like someone or something.

We (Me and my Gf) mostly use "I love you", mostly maybe because we talk english mostly. But both are appropriate to say to your bf/gf.

Hope that helps
by Uriziel rate this post as useful

Re: Usage of anata and aishiteru 2016/12/24 07:55
Generally "anata" is used between married couple, especially when a wife calls her husband, and it's out of date.

Japanese is a very flexible language. Some use common words in uncommon ways with those who are close to them. Plus you seem to not so familiar to Japanese culture.
There are 2 possibilities I think.
1. He is trying to make sentences easy for you to understand. He must know anata appears as the most basic word meaning "you" in Japanese textbooks.
2. He is building unique vocabulary between you and him.
by .. (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Usage of anata and aishiteru 2016/12/24 09:38
Let me straighten this out as a Japanese native :)

The reason that "anata" is considered inappropriate at times is because it may sound too intimate. In other words, it's not uncommon to use it between couples, close friends and to younger family members.

Another thing is that people sometimes use "anata" to non-Japanese people, because it would be easier to be translated (such as when using automatic translators). Either way, if you're someone as intimate as to be used the term "aishiteru", then being used "anata" is not strange at all.

I thought that it is not common to use "anata" in casual conversation

Hmm, I'm not sure what you're talking about, but let's say you've just starting to hang out with a bunch of certain colleagues or classmates. You're certainly in a "casual" situation where you're in jeans and drinking beer, but you don't use "anata" unless you know that you're safe enough with these friends to use the term. Anyway, I'm a female in my 50s and I've been using "anata" with my close girlfriends for ages.

He was very surprised and said that people often use it with people they like.

Well, in my 30 something years of being in relationships, I'm not so sure about that. You use "aishiteru" when you're seriously devoted to a person you romantically love. You don't use it just because you "like" someone. Maybe he's not used to being in relationships and just wanted to try using it. Or maybe he's just one of those people who doesn't choose words the way most people do. Anyway, if he says he used it because he just likes you, then he's saying that it doesn't necessarily mean that it's a big shift from his usual "I love you".

By the way, the expression "anata o aishiteimasu" itself is a kind of a textbook type expression. Usually, locals would use expressions such as just "aishiteimasu" (without the "anata o") or "aishiteru-yo". So I think he does tend to choose expressions that can be easier to be translated by a non-Japanese. Men tend to do that more as opposed to women.
by Uco rate this post as useful

Re: Usage of anata and aishiteru 2016/12/25 07:25
Thank you this is very helpful! I do agree that he probably uses "anata" just to make things easier for me. As for "Aishiteru," initially it was just "suki" and "daisuki" until he said "I love you" in English. After that we started saying "I love you" to each other. But one time when I said it he responded with "Ž„‚à‚ ‚È‚½‚ðˆ¤‚µ‚Ä‚¢‚Ü‚·" So that's why I was surprised. But he said "D‚«‚Èl‚É‚ÍŒ¾‚¢‚Ü‚·" so saying that it's something you say to people you love, I guess not people you just like.
by Purple (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Usage of anata and aishiteru 2016/12/25 11:23
Your questions are interesting to me who is a native speaker of Japanese language. I am a Japanese middle-aged man.

Uco: The reason that "anata" is considered inappropriate at times is because it may sound too intimate.

Another reason is because "anata" may be used as a "polite" word with no respect in mind.

I thought "aishiteru" wasn't used very often.

Well, "aishiteru-yo" may be used by a man half as a greeting to his girlfriend or wife, but personally I think that your guyfs "aishiteru" is a word to show his affection toward you rather than a greeting.

As for "Aishiteru," initially it was just "suki" and "daisuki"

Affection increases in this order: suki, daisuki, aishiteru.
Maybe he began to think that "suki" or "daisuki" was not enough to express his affection toward you.

Frankly speaking, a man may say "aishiteru" to a woman when he hopes to satisfy his desire toward her (which he has as a male) and tries to keep her accepting his acts in their romance.
Butc, I suppose that your guy does not have such purposes when he says "aishiteru" to you, because you and he are in a long-distance relationship and also he started to use the word "aisuru" in a textbook sentence ("Watashi mo anata o aishiteimasu.").

It seems that he is using both "anata" and "aisuru" with a respect to you in his mind.

by omotenashi rate this post as useful

Re: Usage of anata and aishiteru 2016/12/25 11:42
"D‚«‚Èl‚É‚ÍŒ¾‚¢‚Ü‚·"

This Japanese expression is quite different than saying "that people often use it with people they like."

The ‚É‚Í (niwa) implies "you do say it to people you (truly) love (as opposed to all your other friends)" and this D‚« is not "like" but is "love".

So he's saying that people do use the term "aishiteiru" when you really do love that person. He's not at all saying that people "often" use it. On the contrary, he's saying that people only use it for special someones.

Something got lost in translation.

Omotenashi wrote:
Another reason is because "anata" may be used as a "polite" word with no respect in mind.

I agree. "Anata" is typically used on questionnaires.
by Uco rate this post as useful

Re: Usage of anata and aishiteru 2016/12/25 14:18
Okay, I think I fully understand now! And glad to know that "aishiteru" is only used for people you truly love. He just said it that once, and now only says "I love you" in English to me.
by Purple (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Usage of anata and aishiteru 2016/12/28 22:34
How is your feeling progressing toward him? It appears he is more eager than you to get closer/deeper relationship. Is this what you want? Also, without knowing much how Japanese guys behave in relation to his family re: a foreigner girlfriend/wife? Just a word of caution.
by ay (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Usage of anata and aishiteru 2017/1/5 14:19
The first time I used 'aishiteru' with my ex-girlfriend she was pretty surprised and shocked - in her eyes, I was making a very serious statement about how I viewed the depth of our relationship...since my Japanese is pretty poor, she actually said "Do you realise what you are saying when you use that word?"!
by andy (guest) rate this post as useful

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