Can I be close to my Japanese Girlfriend

Questoin: I am an American guy who is madly in Love with my Japanese girlfriend. I will fly to see her this summer..and..I am a really romantic guy so I like bing able to hold her hand and put my arm around her. But I will meet her parents in Japan for the first time..and I don't know how I can act around her with them there..I have read Japanese parents might be really strict. So any info on the does and don'ts of what I can and can't do would when I am with her would help a lot ^_^ I want to make a good impression so Thanks for the help.

It might be possible that she doesn't want you to kiss her, hug her or hold hands in front of her parents, but the best would be to discuss it with her so that it doesn't create any bad feelings between the two of you.
If she doesn't want to do tihs, my advice is to not insist and don't be upset about it. It is just one of those cultural differences that you run into and have to respect.

Yes I can see what you mean about the culture diffrence's..I mean she likes the west..and enjoys when I am able to kiss, hug or hold her ^_^ I did ask her if I could hug her in front of them..she said it was OK but I could hear the hesitation..so I think I will just keep my hands to myself haha. But she said once we go to her room is no holds bar. But Thanks for the advice. If anyone could say any other big don't when with a Japanese parent please let me know. Thanks again.

I think that in Japan a girl introduces a boyfriend to her parents if she is very serious and thinks about marriage. Her parents will also see it this way and you might need to answer questions about your career and future. At least that was the case when I met my wife's parents for the first time. One cultural difference that I keep running into is that I can't see further ahead in my career than 1 or 2 years, while my wife likes to plan 5 or 10 years ahead. :-) But again, ask her if she thinks what you have to prepare and what you have to wear. Treat it seriously, is my advice, even if it might be a little over the top for people in the west.
In my case, I met her parents on neutral ground, a soba restaurant, and at the end of the meeting her father give me his blessing to date his daughter. I was in my suit. I believe my wife's parents are a little old fashioned, but it is not that uncommon. I

Oh..in Japan a girl will introduce her boyfriend to her parents if he and she are serios about marriage..we actually have already decided that we want to get married but later on in our lives after we are finished in school. I have already started to work on what I will say to them..I don't know very much Japanese (only what she has taught me) but I told her I would like her to teach me how to say my feelings twords her and ask her father for her hand ^-^ THANK YOU for the advice ^-^ I am defintly willing to go over the top to impress them and make a good impression. Her parents are also very old fashion, fairly strikt (she can't wear make-up until she's 20) and they have a pre-conception that people from the west just get married and then get devoriced..so I think I have a bit of an up hill battle..but she is worth every moment of it ^-^ Thanks for your help Kappa

It depends on your age. If you are in your late 20s or older, parents might expect marriage. If you're a younger student, parents (in particular ''the'' father!) may think his little girl shouldn't marry forever. So you might want to take it easy about speaking marriage in front of those strict parents. You can start from a plain ''We are very serious about each other.''

Btw, I think that not being able to see further ahead in your career than 1 or 2 years, while your wife likes to plan 5 or 10 years ahead, is a cultural difference between husband and wife and not a cultural difference between Japanese and western :)

Oh it depends on both of our ages..well..I am 21 and she is 18 so I definitly agree with the fact that her father still thinks she is his little girl and dosn't want to give her away forever..So I guess I should lay off talking about it..but if the father or mother ask about marriage what should I say..I think they will ask because they know we are in a serios relationship. Yes I both her and I can only think 1 or 2 years ahead. But we definitly want to get marriad right after school. Thanks for the info.

From what I can tell about your situation, there may be a few akward silences ^_^'' All I can tell you is that you should be VERY respectful, fathers of all countries like that. And um...do you know about all the manners of dining and such? If you don't I can tell you about them if you like.

Honestly, I think her parents would be too scared to ask you about marriage :) Unless you've obviously come to talk about it or you've got her pregnant, that is :)

And I think it's normal that a 21/18 year old couple can't think about anything concrete on their future.

And I think respectable parents wouldn't want to let their teenage daughter get married to a student who can't think about anything concrete on their future.

But if they do happen to ask what you think about marriage, why not just tell them that you two are very serious and are "hoping" to get married to each other in the near future. And as a parent, I can say that I think it would make a good impression if you tell them that you are a mere student and can't yet support the marriage financially, and that is the very reason you are trying hard now so that you can start earning a good living as soon as you graduate school. Sounds sincere, don't you think? I hope this will be your honest feelings, of course.

Good luck and take it easy. Your heart will always be close to your Japanese girlfriend, I'm sure.

Thanks for the adivce every one..except for glenn..I don't know what that was all about..but every one else Thank you ^_^ But yes I always wanted to be really respectful to her parents..since they have been kind and letting me date there daugther..but I don't by manners all I really know are the ones for here like no elbows on the table, don't burp, and don't talk with your mouth full..but are there any other really specific Japanese ones..I would appreciate the help if you could tell me..I don't want to look like a complete fool when I see them so Thank's for helping ^_^

But..yeah I am not visiting to specificly ask for her hand in marriage..yet ^-^ But you think her parents would be really scared about it...I mean..it's kind of hard to see the full future..I mean she's moving back to the U.S. next year and will stay here with me while we both attend school. But THANK YOU for that great advie about what to say ^-^ I mean..you hit it right on the button. I am not finalcally secure just yet, and if they do ask I will definitly tell them that our plan is to get married a little while after school. So that I can support her ^-^ I Promised her parents that I would take care of her over here. I know actions speak louder than words..but I would never let anything happin to her so they don't have to worry. This is the girl that I Love with all my Heart ^-^ So marriage is a 100% posibilty ^-^ Thanks for wishing me good luck ^-^ It's hard to talk with her parents since I can't speak Japanese..all I can say is "I Love You" wich I say to her haha, hello, goodbye, and thats about it..so she always has to tell them what I said..I mean..I she is teaching me how to ask her parents permission to date her..and eventually marry her. But other than that I do all the talking..I am trying to learn Japanese but I am pretty bad at it..but she is very patient with me ^-^ So it isn't that much of a problem. I screwed up once..when I bought her some American cloths..one of them was a pretty dress but it showed a lot more clevige than I thought it would so her mom got a little upset with me..but my girlfriend explained I had never gone shopping for a girl before and didn't really know what I was doing haha. But other than that her family knows I am an honorable and honest guy ^-^ So I want to say Thanks once again.

I guess it would be depending on her family background how you will behave in front of her parents. I have a daughter who is the same age as your girlfriend. If she introduce her boyfriend to us, we would not think about their marriage. just boyfriend. And not care about what he wears or something. However, in genral we do not want to see their kissing in front of us.
Just smile and try to talk a little Japaneseto her parents. it will give her parents good impression of yours.

Thank You So Much for your help ^-^ I am really Happy to hear from a mother who is Japanese ^-^ I am Sorry I don't have that much info on her family background..I know her father has worked in China. But other than that no realy info.

But yeah..She said I can't kiss her or even put my arm around her in front of her parents because it would make them feel embarrased and unhappy..I respect that and I won't ^-^..it's just hard for me to do that..since this is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with..and being able to kiss her or even put my arms around her would make me happier than you could possible imagine ^-^ But she also said I can't kiss her in public..but I can hold her hand or something in public so I was glad when I heard that.

I am naturally a very polite guy ^-^ I am never one to be really rude or anything like that..but I garuntee I will have a big smile on my face (since I will be there with her ^-^) and the little Japanese I can speak I will, so I can make a good impression ^-^

Could I ask you (Japanese mother) a question. When I visit her this summer we want to stay in Tokyo for two days..but the city is really far away from her house (about 4-5 hours I think) So we will stay in a hotel (wich I will pay for) while we are there..I am an honorable guy..nothing will happin ^-^ But I am worried this will push her parents over the edge and make for bad relations between us..I want to stay in the big city with her since she wants to show me some shrines, and other tourist places..she said it would be OK..but I am not sure.

I mean my parents will let the two of us stay in a hotel if we have too. Since they know I am not the kind of guy to try anything. Will this work..Thanks for the help ^_^

First of all, Can I ask you how you know your girlfriend?

Her parents know how you know each other?
If you met her over the net, they would not allow you to go to trip together. Because there is so much crime through meeting the net in Japan recently.
Judging from your message, her parents seem to be strick, and living in countryside. I live in Tokyo so it is a little bit different reaction from countryside. There are various type parents around us, even treat girls boyfrined etc. Some parents allow a boyfriend to live with without any promise. I do not understand that situation but it is true.
In your case, her parents might refuse your plan because you two are too young and they care about her daughters appearance to their neighbors. Those who live in countryside always care about their reputation from their neighbors more than cities.
It would be the key how she will explain her relation with you and that trip to her parents. And also you might have to tell where you will stay and will go in detail in a way. Her parents or mother might follow your trip;-)

Anyway good luck !!

Thanks again Japanese mother ^-^ You have been a big help and I appreicate it a lot ^-^ Yes my Girlfriend and I met on the net..at first I hesitated about asking her to be my girlfriend..since it would be a long distance relationship, and I don't know if it would work..but we have been talking for over a year now and I Love her more than ever ^-^ We send emails back and forth (usually some were around 10 emails with 3 paraghraphs in each) and we talk for an hour every month..we want to talk more but it cost us a lot of money..

But yes she told her parents about me when we were just friends, and then told them I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said they were happy about it. She has said that they understand how much we Love one another ^-^

They also know me fairly well throught my letters (we also send reguler letters to each other about once every two months) she tells them a little about what I say and how I feel about her..Also I have sent some gifts (a 150 dollar bracelt that has her and my name on it in the shape of a heart) and I have sent roses lots of times ^-^ They know I care about there daugter ^-^

I didn't think to send a letter to them..because I can't write in Kanji or anything..but she told me if I could it would be nice and she would do her best to translate it for me..I think I messed up and should have sent one a while ago..but it tells them how I feel about there daugther..how much I Love her ^-^ and that when she moves to America that I will take care of her and not let anything happin to her.

Yes..I think her parents are still worried about me..since we have a lot of crime over the net here too..but a relitive of theres had a bad experince with an American..her boyfriend left her alone over here..and they are worried that I will do the same..it's an up hill battle to convince them I will not do that..infact the only way that would happin would be if she left me haha. I couldn't leave some one who is so close to me...

Oh yes they do live in the country side and are strick,

But in the country they feel a lot diffrent about appearances twords there other neighbors..I can understand that ^_^ I mean..I know her mom likes me since she likes to call me David-kun (wich is a complement I think) But I completly understand that they will feel uneasy about the two of us being together..since we are young.

But I definitly wanted to tell them were we will stay at and were we will go to ^-^ I would even be willing to put her up in another room or hotel if her parents really wanted me to ^-^ But to be honest..I don't think I would like it if her mom came along..if she has to that's OK..but I really wanted that time for just her and me ^-^ So that I can hold her and give her a kiss ^-^ I know that she wants to kiss me (she tells me that every day ^-^) and let me hold her..if her parents must come then I guess they have to..but we won't stay at the hotel until just before I leave..so that would give them a week and a half to get to know me better ^-^ I don't know if that would help any.

But THANKS again for the great advice Japanese mother ^-^ I appreicate it a lot ^-^

^_^ Manners! When you use Chopsticks and you don't have a chopstick rest, you must put them accross the top of the bowel, not in the bowl. If you're eating noodles, make sure to slurp slightly, not too much though. The slurping shows courtesy to the cook, it tells them that you like it.

When drinking sake or tea and you want a refill, someone else must pour it for you, don't do it yourself. And if your girlfriend is pouring the drink and if both you and her father are wanting refills at the same time, the father must be poured to first. ^_^ If you and her father are alone, pour him a drink to show respect.

When eating hold one hand under the food that is in the chopsticks at the time, fairly close to your chin. Oh and if the food is something everyone can serve on their own, please don't take too much food before anyone hasn't had their chance to get the food.

Manners will help you a lot in the eyes of your girlfriend's father. I don't think I've told you everything, so please research a bit ^_^ Good luck.

Thank You Hogyokou ^_^ Knowing the manners will help me a lot. Especilly with her father..with whom I want to make a really good impression on. Especilly if I have to pour some tea or sake for her father...or if my girlfriend is doing it then she should fill her fathers first.

But I am supposed to hold the bowl or plate close to my chin..I didn't know if that would be considered rude or not..but if it's OK then I guess I can. I still can't manage chopsticks very well yet..but she said she would teach me when I visit her haha. Thank's for the help.

Hi, I am another Japanese Mom but I don't have teenagers yet.
You keep saying that you want to make a good impression on her parents but you seem a very sweet guy and all you have to do is to be yourself. They will know what kind of person you are from your attitude.Don't worry,you should't be nervous when meeting them!

Just a quick advise.
Bring a little dictionary (or electronic one)and try to communicate with them in simple English or Japanese.She might not be able to be with you all the time when you meet her parents. She might have to help her mom or something. You might feel awkward with other people who don't speak English without her.
I think the dictionary would be useful when you have a hard time understand each other. However,I am sure her parents would understand simple English words since they studied at high school.
I think that your cheerful attitude will help to overcome the language barrier!

I assume that her parents are still young, probably in their 40's.They are not as strict as my parents' age(60's)! You still shouldn't kiss her in front of them though, like other people said.

As for the accommodation, I would make a reservation for two separate rooms.
Just show them your sincerity.
She is only 18 and I don't think her parents want her to stay over night with a guy in the same room.
I don't think they would follow you guys,ha-ha.

Good luck and have a wonderful time in Japan!

I want to Thank every one for giving such good advice. Especially the Japanese mothers ^-^ You have the practical experience and can speak of how you would feel about an American datering your daugther that helps a lot.

Yeah I do over think these kind of things a lot..and I just worry that I am going to mess this up and cause some kind of permanent rift between her family and me..

Actually she said the same thing as you haha. As long as I be myself I should be fine. She fell in Love with me because I am naturally a kind and sweet guy.

I was worried because of the language barrier between them and me..that they couldn't tell what kind of guy I am. But I can understand that they can see my feelings towards there daughter (she makes me smile a lot ^-^) and that I care about her.

But that is good advice about the dictionary ^-^ I think I will do that so they can understand me when I don't her there with me..I asked her if her parents knew any English and she said the knew basic words like hello goodbye..so I do think it would be good to have a dictionary with me. I mean..I am working on a short couple of sentences to tell them how I feel about there daugter..but it would be nice to be able to talk a little when I am alone.

Yes I believe her parents are in there 40's (like mine) So they are fairly open minded about some things so it's not that bad.

Yeah..I won't kiss her in front of her parents..Eveyone has said I shouldn't..God that’s hard..she has the Cutest Smile ^-^ But she said I can still hold her in front of them so that's OK ^-^ I can wait ^-^

But yeah I think I will get her a separate room if the feel really un-easy about her staying in the same room as me ^_^ It cost a little more but I think it would make her parents Happy if I did that. Yeah I kind of hope they wouldn't follow us..I want it to be just her and me so that I can kiss her haha ^-^

But Thanks again Kei for your help ^-^ If you or anyone has any more advice please let me know I appreciate it a lot ^-^

Hi there David. Just read that you talk about one hour a month because it costs a lot. If you both have a good internet connection I suggest you use Skype (www.skype.com) which is free between two computers. In the case just one of you have a good internet connection then try SkypeOut which has low rates from a computer to normal phones.

I am in a long distance relationship myself so Skype is heaven sent. Unfortunately the time difference from Sweden to Japan is 7 hours so it there is not much overlap for calling :(.

Oh by the way, how much time have you spent in real life and not on the net?