Dealing with my Japanese Girlfriend

Hey everybody,

I just want a little bit of advice about a problem I've been having in my relationship.

My girlfriend and I have a long distance relationship, and we've been dating for about 3 months. We've seen each other twice, and will see each other again in 2 weeks (hopefully). We get along really well. A lot of commmon interests, make each other laugh, etc.

But there is one problem. My girlfriend gets angry too easily, and when she does, she says things that she really shouldn't say (ex: talking about breaking up, and just saying almost any negative thing you can think of). She says these things everytime she gets angry. And I can never talk about the problem, she will say she doesn't want to talk about it and get off the phone. Everytime. And if I ask her the next day about it, she will get angry.

Of course, after the argument, maybe a few hours or a few days, she will be just fine. Telling me how much she loves me, and everything is back to normal. How can I talk to someone who doesn't want to listen? Is this something I will have to deal with forever (if we should marry)?

I really don't do anything wrong, honestly. But if I say something that has a small chance of making her angry, she gets angry. But you know every relationship is full of mistakes and arguments, but why must they be magnified by anger every time? There is no such thing as fixing or talking about a problem in our relationship, it just slowly goes away. Nobody talks about it.

I would appreciate some advice, thank you.

Not talking about the problems is itself a problem. If I were you I would drop her like a rock, or next time she tells you that she loves you, ask her, do you really? and if she does then she should be able to talk about the problems. But thats just my opinion. Not saying you should do it.

Thanks for the advice, but I guess the inevitable happened. We broke up tonight. She called me, and of course, I thought it was going to be a nice conversation, but she called me just to tell me that she didn't like the long distance anymore. She then told me she didn't want to see me this month. We then got off the phone, and I have no intention of calling her again, and she doesn't either.

It's so strange. Someone tells you everyday how much they love you, I don't even have to ask. And they just change their mind, just like that. I think it wasn't really love, it was just lust, a crush, that's all. Because you cannot just drop love like that.

Sigh....

I'm sorry to hear the news, but honestly, she isn't the one - you're too good for her.

I'm sure you'll meet a nice girl with common sense and who can behave normally.

fickle fickle fickle..... girls are scary. No joke. Oh well, a woman who refuses to communicate like an adult is just not worth the trouble anyway. You shouldn't be afraid to speak in a relationship... much less a long distance one!

people are strange. You must get used to it. I must too. But it makes me angry when some people are not saying what they think while i say it.

They say something and then they do the opposite. I pretty hate that.

My friend, i have exactly the same problem with you. It seems i am not the only one..I havent broke up yet but surely, my relationship is not the same as it was 8 months ago. The fact is that you must NEVER be 100% sure about your mate even if you have gave bounds and promises for 'eternal life together'...

i deserve an "eternel love" promise, i can give it to the person i'll love keeping it at the same time even if everything it goes wrong.

But the world today is not confident.

Sometimes i think being alone for all your life is better. But i fight for a dream i want to realize.

As Lu Bu said:

"I don't know if he's fighting for good or not. I fight only for myself and what i do, i do it only for myself."

Girishajin desuka?

Ima wa Atene ni sunde imasu. :-)

Girls do that kind of thing all the time.. because they're insecure.


To me, you obviously weren't suitable for her. You didn't even do anything extra to try and reassure her, or to keep her. All you cared about was her getting carried away with a bit of anger... that was solely for the purpose of attention seeking.


She is a girl - and there are males and females in this world? Very obvious but strange if you think about it.

Both sexes BEHAVE differently, to attract the opposite sex. If you really loved her, you would have done extra to make her feel better. Afterall its a long distance relationship and girls go crazy... fearing the worst. Tts completely within expectations because it is self fulfilling in a way haha.

Actually Rogue, you really don't know what our relationship has been like, and I did not care to spell it all out on this forum, so you cannot assume what I am and am not doing. You also don't know anything about either of our personalities. You can be assured though, that I have done a whole lot to fix problems/arguments and reassure her of any doubt she's had.

But two days ago, she called me back. She first apologized and then got off the phone. She then called back a minute later, told me she loved me, and didn't want to lose me. Now she changed her mind, she wants to see me. She believe that seeing each other will make something positive in our relationship, to which I agree.

I am also going to be living in Washington D.C. for the next two years, and she will be attending a university on the eastern close. She is planning to attend one as close to me as possible. Which would make our relationship a lot more handable.

I definetly understand that everybody acts their own way. And people make mistakes whether they realize they are making them or not. I have been in more than one relationship so I understand this. The only thing I can do is to give the relationship my best effort, show my love, and hope for the best. Some things aren't meant to be. But some others just need a little work for happiness. Not everything good is obtained easily. Atleast if this relationship endures, it will only make the bond between us stronger, and our resistance to arguments and anger even higher.

Xer

Actually Xer, you do have to spell it out since you took your private life and posted it to a public forum for the entire World to see. I think you are making a big mistake by keeping up an ongoing relationship with a woman that is emotionally unstable. Did you ever think she may end up using you because she will be going to school close to where you live. If you have these problems now, then imagine how difficult marraige will be for you. It seems she has the mind of a child. You sound a little desperate. There are alot of fish in the sea so maybe you can look for one who respects your feelings. She sounds like she good be a future candidate for Prozac. You don't have to take my advice but don't say people didn't warn you of impending disaster.

Watashimo.

Kono doyobiwa Nihongo no speaking test arimasu. Watashiwa ikimasu. Anatawa ikimasuka?

Hajimemashite.

Kalimera!! Isogashii kara, ikimasen yo. :-( Demo, ikitai. Anata wa ima Atene ni sunde imasu ka?

Pos ke mathenis Iaponika?? Saresi i Iaponia i ya epagelmatikous logous?

Xer, good luck with this one. I am eerily in a similar position. I came to japan to follow my girlfriend from a university back home in the states. I actually received advice from a few on this forum. I have been here five months now and almost all of it has been spent battling the exact situation you have described. With one exception, we live together. Well, i should say did live together. I have now acquired my own living space from her and am visiting her place 1 or 2 times a week. I simply became tired of the mood swings. My girl never says I love you or skee or daiskee or anything close. Wants to show it through her actions. Like telling me to get out at 3 am and go back to my country because I said something wrong about udon. Wrong? Came home once to find my clothes piled in the floor with books and papers strewn across... a sign for me to be more sensitive to her feelings, so she said. That was a day after she told me to get out for the 6th time because I dont listen to her.... but then she tells me please dont leave and i apologize for my disrespectful behavior. Now, i thought this was a pretty sure bet with her... She speaks two languages, has two degrees, nice family, lived in the US for 5 years. right now, i am getting text messages from her about where we should go to do hanami this weekend... but she cannot decide what to do. Go with me or go to her parents home. this after I spend the night with her last night, only to be told that i am a dirty roomate and not to touch her while she sleeps. if you have heard any of these types of comments, i suggest you take a hard look at what you really like about her, just as I am. because as i am told, it only gets worse with marriage, when people feel safe.

Well, I am sure I can say that my girlfriend does not say or do those things to me. But I do not live with her. However, she does say she loves me, and 90% of the time she's in a good mood.

I believe that every relationship has it's problems. So you can't really say that if there are problems now, just wait until marriage. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. I appreciate the advice given to me, I did ask for it.

Of course I have my own limits. I am not extremely attached, and I do not plan to put myself in that position. So if these problems continue, I can move on.

She's not trying to attend a university close to me, to use me. She just wants to be close, because the long distance is difficult to deal with. When we are together, everything is fine. We haven't seen each other for almost 3 months now, so I'm sure it's becoming difficult.

I am also not one to marry someone blindly. I am only 21 years old right now. I do not plan to get married until my late 20's. So I have about 7-9 years left, so that's a good test of time for any woman in my life.

M'aresei i Iaponia.

Matheno Iaponika ap'ton octobri.

Exo skopo sto mellon prota na pao gia metaptuxiaka kai na pragmatopoiiso t'oneiro mou.

Ase sto interenet den mporo na vro Iapona na miliso alla tespa

Esu pos ksereis Iaponika? pas Iaponia giati?

Prota ap'ola su efhomai kali epitihia ya ton diagonismo simera kai genikos stin prospathia su me tin Iaponia kai ta Iaponika.

I Iaponia ya mas tous Ellines den ine kai toso efkoli. Stin pragmatikotita, ine poli pio diskoli ap'oso ine ya tous ipoloipous Europeous i tous Amerikanous. Epiprosthetos, ine ipervolika diskolo ya enan pu den ehei ta agglika os mitriki glossa na vrei mia kali doulia se sintomo hrono. Parol'afta, prepei na kinigame ta oneira mas oso diskolo kai an ine na pragmatopiithoun! :-)

Ego, eho os stoho na anoikso mia epihirisi eki. I kopela mu ine ap'tin Iaponia kai genikos maresi trela san hora kai to oneiro mu ine na ziso ekei. Eho tin tihi na eho polous filous, oi opioi ehoun paei alla kai ehoun zisei ya arketo hroniko diastima stin hora tou Anatellontos Iliou kai arketa sihna tous simvoulevomai.

Episis, i kopela mou aptin Iaponia mou dinei kai afti arketes sumvoules. Distihos, ehei kai afti ta provlimata tis (opos kai oi perissoteroi Iapones aloste). Anipomono na pao stin Iaponia oste na eimai konta tis...oi sheseis eks apostaseos den ine kai oi pio efkoles. Tin agapo pragmatika kai pistevo pos ine enas poli simantikos logos oste na ziso stin Iaponia.

To Non-Greek readers: I am sorry for this conversation in Greek. It is strange for two Greek people to communicate in a language different than their native. (It is also strange to write Greek with Latin characters :-) )

To I love Sakura: Perhaps, we should create a topic for discussion about Greeks or Non-native English speakers who are interested in Japan and they want to live and work there.

I had a simiar situation to you 2 months ago and my boyfriend broke up with me. Your girlfriend totally sounded like me, like...get angry easily etc. I and my ex-boyfriend had LONG distance relationship, it was like 2 years and a half. During the years, now I feel I get angry easily and often said "breaking up"....Do I sound like your girlfriend? Haha. Now, even if I know I do love him, he never comes back. It was too late to do it. I still talk to him, but I feel I missed the important thing in my life.
You sound really nice person and you care about her, but when you have trouble or problem between her, you should talk to her. Even if she tries to run away or she doesn like you anymore or something like that, you have the right to tell your feelings. And, you guys are bf/gf, so you need to talk about your relationship. It's not like one says something, and you can finish, not like that. Sharing is very imporant in the relationship. I believe so. I just think if he told me his feelings more, if I cared about him more, that might not been happened. I was thinking why I get angry easily...or something....I always wanted to hear strong words from him. Like...even if we are aprart, we can do it!!! I just wanted to hear such words from him, but never happened. Then, I worry too much and get frustrated and the end. Where am I supposed to go with only my feelings?

Just, trust me(haha, I am not your friend or something, but at least, I know girls' feeling), she loves you and she just want to be with you. That's kinda problem she gets angry easily...but you can tell her about it. Just tell her what you think...not final decision. That's people need between our relationship.