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Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/6/11 04:09
Hi, I have been good friends with a Japanese international student on my course. I am European. She speaks excellent English and has told me she likes me very much and we have spent time together talking and visiting places by ourselves. We have a lot in common and laugh and joke. She will give me shoulder massages. However, she does have a boyfriend in Japan, who she never talks about and she seems confused about whether she will even go back to Japan. She talks about staying in this country and "seeing what will happen" and all her overt language seems to suggest she is waiting for me to make a move, but obviously on the one hand she has a boyfriend and culturally I am trying to respect that. I have told her that I wished she was single and I compliment her. She is appreciative and she compliments me back but I am still getting nowhere and am very confused. Should I wait it out until she makes a decision or move on to an emotionally available person. I have never felt so happy and harmonious as when I am with her.
by Icklegnome (guest)  

Re: Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/6/11 18:36
I'd say forget it.Even if she abandons him, she will do the same to you just on another opportunity.

TBH just forget any japanese girls under 30. They do not know what they want and their mood changes like the weather.

And from what you write it just sounds like the typical japanese female kindness but nothing more involved.
by 44524434 (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/6/11 19:37
Hi, I'm a native Japanese male.

I have often seen on this Q&A site some persons like you who are confused and frustrated with the mixed reactions from a Japanese girl. In your case, her appreciative attitude toward you only means a kind of social etiquette seen everywhere in Japan. Don't take her such attitude as something hopeful.

In my humble opinion, she only needs someone (in your case, anymore!) in your country to talk with comfortably. For her, talking with you would be a kind of relaxation, while communicating with her Japanese boyfriend would be a different matter from talking with you.

Anyway, you should not want more for her (I recommend you to let her do as she likes).
by dosanko100 rate this post as useful

Re: Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/6/11 20:59
^^ re the above response...

Way to go for sweeping generalisations! And what a load of old tosh.

Personally, I'd say to the OP to go for it... what have you got to lose? If you're interested in this girl, tell her! Tell her how harmonious you feel together. Tell her...
by Rub will find a way (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/6/11 23:05
While I don't have indepth knowledge of Japanese girls in general. I'd say follow your heart and see where it leads you.

good luck! Do tell how it went :)
by Marfjuhhh (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/6/12 00:56
Talk to her. Ask her all the questions boggling your mind.
if you don't take the move,you'll end up full of assumptions.

On the other side, you know she has a bf..
I know it is hard to let go of her because it will cause you pain. But, did you had thought of what her bf will feel if he lose her girl?
do you believe in karma?
it hurts to be hurt......

by naokiishida rate this post as useful

Re: Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/6/12 01:33
Go ahead and propose.
What is your risk?
by iwander rate this post as useful

Re: Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/6/12 03:43
There is nothing really confusing to me. She likes you, possibly as a guy more than just a friend, but don't know whether she likes you more than her boyfriend.

Culturally, 50% of Japanese women lose virginity around highschool or in the first year of university and have 4-6 boyfriends before marrying at around 30. Yes, it's a bit painful for guys to date and part with girlfriends, but hey you don't know who they are unless you spend time with them for a while. That has nothing to do with being girl a Japanese.

I think it is morally a good thing though to have the girl end the affair completely with the guy in Japan, making her choose you and letting the guy know about her new feelings. If you respect yourself, the girl, and the guy.

by Advice (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/6/12 05:56
Thanks for for your answers. I see that I must follow my heart. I will be open and honest when I next see her alone, she referred to me as her kind and unique friend in a text message yesterday which threw me off track a bit and I have perhaps been feeling a bit needy lately contacting her a lot, she always replies but I have moved into a new place alone for the summer break. There are very few people remaining after the course and I need to be contacting other people because I can see my behaviour might scare her off.
by Icklegnome (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/6/12 06:11
"...I need to be contacting other people because I can see my behaviour might scare her off..."

If you can't really be yourself, why get involved with her?

by The Dude (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/6/12 06:37
I think the Op was saying that he is NOT being himself, but acting out of character due to feeling more lonely than usual. I can relate to that - it happens.
by ... (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/6/15 00:18
She just need someone to be with her.
by happygal2011 rate this post as useful

Re: Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/6/15 00:43
Rule #1: Be yourself when you're around her. If you feel like kissing her, then kiss her.
Rule #2: Pretend her boyfriend doesn't exist. He's way back in Japan. There's no way he can come over to pulverize you.
Rule #3: Prepare for the break-up. Chances are she'll go back to Japan or even go after another guy before she leaves. You gotta be ready to take the hits. This is life.
by 2ndOne (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/6/15 13:35
Japanese people are culturally very polite. This extreme politeness can easily be mistaken by a Westerner for sexual affection/interest, when it's not.

Also mentioning of a "boyfriend" seems to me to be a polite way of saying "I'm NOT available". Honestly from the rest of your message I'm wondering if this guy really exists or if she made him up.

By all means go for it, of course you must follow your heart; but be prepared for a knock-back and ruined friendship.
by britguy (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/6/15 22:56
Although I havnt read all of the responses. I do in fact agree with the japanese native male who responded to you second.

Ive been studying japanese culture for the last few months and have been watching anime and japanese Tv shows and movies for a lot longer. Now you may say what does Tv have to do with there culture and perceiving how a person may act. Well if you look at Irish Tv as I am Irish I can assure you that a lot of irish act the same way but with a lot more swearing haha.

back to the OP. From what I do know, Japanese are very polite, if you take a look at the Japanese language, there are different forms of polite ranging from Polite to Ultra polite.

In my own book,s if you like a girl fight for her, if she has told you that she likes you but has also told you that she has a boyfriend then maybe your confused as to which type of 'like' she meant. Now by nature im very straight to the point and not afraid to speak my mind. Bring her to one of your favorites spots to hang out in and ask her honestly and truthfully, how she really feels.

After that my friend it is up to you.
by Keithd1989 (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/6/16 03:03
It is really interesting to see the mixed reactions and thank you to the last poster for pointing out the reply from the Japanese native as that post didn't show up until today?? and I missed it. I am beginning to understand Japanese friendship, and that Japanese often seek affection and companionship within their friendships, not necessarily solely in their partners. She will go back to Japan for a month very soon and perhaps discover how she feels about each country and where her heart lies.
by Icklegnome (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Very confusing situation with Japanese girl 2012/7/10 10:43
I don't know if this is worth pursuing since she is going back to Japan in a month. Are you going to follow her? Why pursue the inevitable? If she is not being clear about her intentions, I think it is a waste of time. Especially since she already has a boyfriend. If you're going to pursue a long distance relationship, I need to know that my girl "friend" is clearly interested in me and wants me. This is a basic rule relationships should follow. 1) trust & loyalty 2) commitment.
by sweetboa22 rate this post as useful

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