Better husband 2 Japanese wife.

My wife and I just celebrated our 2nd anniversary. It has been an extraordinary, wonderful, exciting, transformational, and very challenging time.
We have a beautiful son who is just over 1 1/2 years old. He is an absolute joy for both of us.
My wife became unexpectedly (honestly) pregnant, we married (in Japan), she moved to the US, she gave birth to our son, and our lives hasn't stopped their crazy pace since.
We didn't know each other very well, nor much about each other's culture, so (consequently) we are learning a lot from and about each other.
My wife has had a tough time walking into my (unprepared) life that had some unhealthy aspects and relationships. She was very patient initially, as well as compromised by her minimal english and my virtually non-existant japanese.
She has survived and is an excellent and devoted mother to our son. That she is still with me is a testament to her devotion to me and our family, but she is very unhappy.
I have made many changes (that I believe have been to my benefit and not against my true self) and am willing to make more. Some of my character aspects and habits haven't changed quickly. Some may never. I have tried to continue to be myself, and be open to changing into better aspects of myself so I can be even more self-realized and (hopefully) a good father and husband.
My wife admits to feeling depressed and desiring some counseling (unavailable here in japanese).
She complains often about American aggressiveness (from others and sometimes me), American cultural inconsiderateness, and events that happenned in our past for which she suffered greatly. I believe I can understand why she would feel that way, but it's not realistic.
I have great regret for some of my past choices, words, and ideas. I cannot change the past, but I have taken note of my mistakes and try not to repeat them. Always I have done my very best in an intense and enormously challenging (because of so much change so fast) situation. She sincerely acknowledges that.
I am concerned for her personal happiness, mental & physical health, and for our family's future.
We go to Japan twice a year. She goes longer to have some alone time. It helps her to be there and around her friends and family. I enjoy it immensely, and it is great for our son.
I don't feel I could comfortably live there year round. My wife says the same for herself. Ideally, our lives are split between the 2 countries. We have managed this so far.
My wife hasn't (in my opinion) made great effort to learn english, make american friends (she gravitates towards other japanese women), nor to integrate. This idea is based on my own past experiences living in other countries and how I embraced (or didn't) the other culture and learned (or didn't) their language.
I feel at a loss sometimes as to how to be a supportive husband that helps her to feel comfortable, free to be herself, and safe to explore.
She sometimes becomes extremely angry with me (it isn't always understood by me, except that I have disrespected or ''pushed'' her too much) and she won't want to talk or be close to me for days.
This is very painful, as I love her and wish to be happily together with our son.
Of course, she has legitimate reasons to feel displeasure sometimes, but the tenuous feeling of our relationship (that she may return to Japan and be happier without me & how about our son?) is very stressful and sometimes discouraging.
I believe my own mental health was questionable (from life circumstances)at our beginning, but I am concerned it is sufferring greatly from this situation.
I am very focused on my wife & son. I wish very much for us all to be together and happy. I don't feel to give up & am very determined to do my very best to help make this work. I see hope sometimes, but other times I wonder.
There is a lot unsaid, but these are the general circimstances.
I'm asking for help to bridge the cultural differences influencing our situation.
How can I be a good (or better) husband to my japanese wife?

I suggest you two to move to Japan. It might be the only way for you to realize how difficult and stressful it is to live in a foreign country, especially if you don't know the language. You should stop asking her to change, while not being ready to change yourself.

A very quick search on �Ý•Ä–M�l�bƒJƒEƒ“ƒZƒŠƒ“ƒO�b“d˜b led me to the following list of counseling service in the U.S. Among them, Care The World and many others seem to provide counseling over the phone.

http://www.geocities.jp/groupwith/kaigai.htm

But couples tend to have problems when you kids are young anyway.

I think you need to be really careful, especially if your wife is taking your son along with her on her trips to Japan without you, because Japan doesn't recognize international laws about parental custody. You can read about it online if you do the research- there are a ton of well-documented cases. Basically, even if you're married and the child is half yours, a Japanese woman can 'abduct' the kid by taking it back to Japan without you, and the Japanese police will do nothing to help you- so you may never see your own child again.

It seems worth mentioning this specific concern because your wife doesn't communicate very openly with you, and doesn't try to integrate herself into American culture. So she seems kinda like a high risk for this kind of behaviour.

Don't wanna freak you out but I'm just saying, be aware.

The same thing can be said vice versa: I've read about an American husband "abducting" the child born between his Japanese ex, and the ex was having serious trouble settling it out.

I do agree that the most (and probably one of the very few) disadvantages of international marriage is that different laws lie between the couple, but it would be misleading to imply that the Japanese lady gets the better part.

It's very interesting that we see same issues being discussed in both English internet and Japanese internet, but the former usually stands on the English-speaking side and the latter usually stands on the Japanese-speaking side.

In any case, it's a good thing the OP doesn't seem to have lost faith in her.

Uco, it has to do with the fact that Japan did not ratify the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction. This treaty requires countries to return 'abducted' children to their country of residence if the 'abduction' occurred in violation of the left-behind parents' parental rights. For example, suppose an American woman married to a Japanese man living in Japan got divorced, and custody of their children was divided between them by a judge. The American woman then suddenly returns to America, taking the child with her. Because America has ratified this international law on child abduction, the Japanese man could contact the American police, who would help track the children down and return them to Japan. If the situation were reversed, though (Japanese man living in America returns to Japan with children, leaving American wife behind), the American has no legal means of getting her children back. Furthermore the Japanese government has been notoriously nonhelpful in negotiating these kinds of situations, preferring not to interfere in family disagreements, even when a law is being broken.

Most developed countries have ratified this treaty so actually Japan is NOT like other countries in this case- it is a special risk. I urge you to read up about it online.

Thank you for your responses.
Uci, I'm not sure you read very carefully. I have lived twice in foriegn countries where I did not know the language. The one I liked, I learned the language and made many friends. The other I didn't like, I learned only some of the language and made fewer friends (as I complained a lot). I'm not asking my wife to change. I'm trying to help her feel comfortable and be happy. I have a great willingness to change (and have a lot already) myself to be a better person, partner, and parent.
Uco, thank you for the link. That is constructive and positive feedback. I am very grateful. Exactly the sort of information I was hopeful for,
PS, I am aware of the situation you addressed. I appreciate your sharing. I have seen it happen to people I know. It is terrible and a terrifying thought. I don"t wish for that with all my might, as I love my son, but there is no way to prevent it without taking very drastic measures. Our relationship is not generally hostile. Any action I could take to try and prevent abduction of my son would certainly end my relationship with my wife and we would immediately become adversaries battling over our son. Our relationship is nowhere near that state, as best I can tell. Anyway, I am trying to live my life in the positve (not the negative) and build on what is good between us.
I am seeking constructive counsel and experience to help me better understand how I can help my wife, and in turn my son and myself.

First off Japanese are very intelligent. If you are married, and love them, let her be an equal partner, this goes for any woman. Let your wife make decisions. If she wants to buy something let her. She is as capable as you of managing the household finances. Give her the paycheck, and let her run the house. Letting your wife manage the household finances is a Japanese thing.
If she prefers to have other Japanese women friends, encourage her. They probably have husbands you can hang with. Move to LA, San Francisco, Hawaii, or other area that has a big Japanese population.
If I could get my wife on the plain I would be living in Japan now. Most people I know are never board in Tokyo.
I made several big mistakes in my life. One was not learning to speak Japanese. I can speak a little, but it is hard to learn when you get older. Another was not having my kids spend much time with the relatives there. The more I get to know them the nicer they are. I probably get along better with them than my wife does.
Most Japanese customs are common sense, and nice. There are some like giving presents that are a little difficult, but they can be worked around.
I speak from 40 years experience.

Great counsel Ken. Thanx for sharing your ideas, wisdom & experience.

We are already living in one of your suggested areas and have lot's of other Japanese folks around. I have always supported my wife's friendship with other Japanese women, as I understood (immediately) it was of great benefit to her (& us).

My concerns about her apparent lack of interest to integrate (she does have a good relationship with a few of my good friends) are from hoping she can be happy here (with me).

Of course, if moving to Japan would be best for her, I would try it. Both of us have agreed half/half, or based here is more comfortable and much healthier for us all.

It may be all her difficulties stem from our relationship (learning as we go) and me. However, her verbalized contempt for many Americans and our customs (while somewhat understandable) feels not healthy to me. I admit to being guilty of the same in past (similar) circumstances. In the end, I realized I was the problem, not everyone else.

She is severely defensive about Americans condemning whale hunting and other traditional customs. She says we don't understand the good reasons for them & we shouldn't tell them what to do. I agree, but find the depth of her anger disturbing.

I feel I can empathize with her perspective, but cannot share the general disdain and defensiveness towards others. It impairs my optimistic, friendly nature. (Which has felt greatly compromised by her much more [selectively] reserved [especially towards American women] nature.)

I can't control (nor do I wish to) her ideas, feelings, & perspectives. I do wish for some better tools to cross that bridge, meet in the middle, and swap glasses to see things each other's way.

It is my hope to learn from the tried and true practices, traditions and customs of Japan. I also wish for my wife to know & experience she is completely free to be herself and do as she wishes with comfort.

If she would manage our finances, they would certainly be better. For the most part she has declined because of my past debt.

We spend considerable time with her relatives in Japan & I love and enjoy them immensely. Really important for our child also.

I am trying to learn Japanese, but I am so busy I had to drop lessons. I am determined to learn some how. I do well with other languages, so it is coming (slowly). We are also focusing on improving my wife's English.

Initially she was "burnt" by some inconsiderate people who had been my friends and I didn't see or understand it. I defended them, not her. She expresses difficulty in putting it behind her. I am extremely regretful and remorseful, but cannot change the past.

She is a gem, I am blessed (as is our child), and I wish our happiness together.

Hey Joe,
I'm an Australian living in Tokyo- and I can't really give you any advice.
I want to, but you've been fairly vague about everything (except your own personality) so I don't know what advice to give you.
For example, what exactly is she having trouble with in American society?
Any customs?

I admit, the Japanese people are very "poker faced"- expressing emotions in public is a bad thing- so Americans might seem very brash to her... but obviously most Japanese are able to adapt living overseas.

All I can suggest for now is that you try harder, if you really want to make this relationship work. Have you considered taking a Japanese class or studying more with a phrase book? She may appreciate your dedication and in turn, be inspired to learn English more.

Maybe discuss moving to Japan for a short time- since it seems like you've basically lived in America for your entire marriage (and if she can't speak very good english I'm assuming she's not working) so try asking her if she wants to move to Japan for a few years. She might be happy being closer to her family and being able to work, ect.

On the whaling issue- I am surprised she is so vocal. The majority of Japanese people here don't even know about whaling! It's basically lobbied by a small group and only eaten by the rich. Kind of like caviar.

My advice is to agree with her on these issues if you agree with her, but also calmly point out that Japan does some thing's you don't like and America does some things she doesn't like- neither is right or wrong, just different.

Joe,

You sound like a decent guy who very sincerly wants to make things good for his wife. It sounds that you do really adore her. I think some of the situations you describe aren't solely due to your wife being Japanese though. Obviously the cultural differences are due to her not being brought up in western culture. I'd imagine coming to live in the west is as much of a shock as us going to live in Japan suddenly. However, it does sound as though she is more than a little unwilling to embrace American(?) life. The language barrier will become less apparent eventually, and stop being a problem, but she needs to put herself out there a bit more. I realise that you both have a young child to look after, but maybe you could suggest her enrolling in an evening class or similar? Something that doesnt' necessarily rely so much on language? I'm thinking maybe pottery or an art class? It would give her the oppotunity to meet and interact with new people. If she's reluctant - then maybe that's just her personality? She may well have shunned such an idea in Japan as well....? You sounds liek you're being as considerate as you can be, and very patient too (imho). With regards to the Whaling issue (or similar) I've also encountered Japanese people who are vehemently defensive about this. I personally can't come round to their way of thinking, but (as it was my family) I just resolved o let it lie, and almost make it a taboo subject. If you keep bringing it up, it will inevitably escalate into a row. All couples have issues that they will never, ever agree on, but you have to deal with it, or just agree to disagree eh?

I hope you both find happiness, and that she appreciated how concerned you are about her.

p.s. The "Japanese are very intelligent" comment made me giggle.

Everyone has different ways to solve the same problems and I'm sure if your heart is in it you will solve yours mate.
I have a Japanese wife and we have a 2 year old son who is speaking Japanese English and a mixture of the two we all call Japlish. I have had Japanese lessons when not busy at work and will enjoy them again soon but the best way to learn has been talking and listening to my 2 year old son. I thimk I will learn with him as we grow. Your efforts may encourage your wife to help you more. My wife went through a tough period when we first lived here in the UK but now she is happy and has a big network of her own friends English and Japanese. Infact I want to live in Japan more than she dose!
Good luck Joe

After reading your post,I can understand her feeling a little.

She has compromised with you for marriage,living abroad,learning English etc.
But you don't appreciate her compromise then you want her to compromise more.That is frustrating for her.

You only expect her to be what she want,it is not her happiness.
First you had better appriciate her compromise and then find the point of compromise.

You only expect her to do what you want.

Thank you again to everyone. What an almost overwhelming response. Lot's of great suggestions, insights, and shared experiences. I am very grateful.

Generally I am a very optimistic person. I also trust and rely heavily on my instincts. They tell me our love is true, but also warn me we are not yet on solid ground.

Twice, I felt "kp" was hard on me, but I appreciate your more challenging "devil's advocate" position. I generally disagree with your assertions. I will say you are ignoring the months we spend in Japan where I am unable to communicate with most people (but do my best) and learn (often by error) of Japan's customs. All done patiently and happily. However, I have chosen to take some time to search deep and see if I find some truth in your accusations after all.

Regrettably, Ken, I have been vague, as this is a public forum. I have tried to be as informative and balanced as is possible (this is only my side, after all) without compromising our anononimity. I appreciate your counsel, nonetheless.

I like your ideas (Emily) about helping my wife get more involved in hobby-like activities to help her enjoy herself and integrate. As primary child-care provider of a toddler, that is very challenging. I work long hours combined with a long commute. The nature of my work is also unstructured, so short notice is also frequent. I am not unwilling to make sacrifices. I make may already. Our need for income dictates the work situation. We will look into finding something more for her anyway.

She actually does work also, but sporadically. As our child ages, circumstances will change. The possibility of reversing our roles will eventually present itself, but not yet. Baby and Mommy are still healthily and happily very connected.

I agree wholeheartedly about learning japanese improving our communication, relationship, and demonstrating my committment. As I stated earlier, that just doesn't work at this time. I sincerely tried with a great teacher for some months. I am very motivated, but have never been this busy. It is guaranteed to come (especially with my child-as suggested). I am very committed.

Oh yes, I avoid discussions of whaling like the plague. However, other's don't, and as it's current news it comes up. I'm OK with respecting another perspective, agreeing to disagree, and keeping silent. The intensity of the angry response disturbs me, as it feels like an indication of underlying disfunction or possible unresolved issues.

It's easy for me to say anything and even misrepresent myself to try and sound great. I've done my best not to do that. I am VERY committed to finding solutions for any obstacle blocking our happiness. Supporting my wife's happiness and well-being (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual) is paramount to our family being healthy and happy. Any guy married with kids understands that one well.

My problem here is I feel like I'm failing her. I'm searching the possible cultural divide for understanding. Of course, there are personal factors (our personalities & life experiences). We both brought baggage into this relationship. We are creating opportunity to release that baggage.

I guess the bottom line is I have lost a lot of my innate optimism (and perhaps sunny disposition). Some of it is from being "reigned in" by my wife's (I believe, cultural) discomfort. Perhaps I have simply become discouraged and lost my way and a lot of hope.

I appreciate everyone's time and concern.

It takes two positive persons to make a relationship grow more steadier.

I've found that my Japanese gf carries a level of anger that eminates from within for no apparent reason, over the most trivial things. So don't be surprised by this aspect of her and let it ruin your goal to make it all better. Some women are like that.

Have faith in yourself and keep being optimistic!

You have a son and that will help things a bit. Just love him a lot, I'm sure the mother will notice that you're committed to the family and will gradually improve herself as well.

Its not only Americans. I reckon a lot of foreign cultures are much too aggressive to a Japanese woman's liking.

This is late for this point, but if you do not speak good Japanese and your wife does not speak good english, how on Earth did you get to the point where you were comfortable marrying each other? I know a lot of Japanese women fall in love with the idea of the foreign man- the cultural thinking is that he will be a gentleman, not lie or cheat, help with chores and pamper his wife (which, by all accounts you seem to be doing- you do seem like a good guy!). If you couldn't communicate well before marriage, it's possible she just filled in the gaps with the image of a life of ease in America, and is dealing with frustration that reality is a lot harder than she expected.

her vhemency about whaling surprises me too- I have yet to meet a Japanese person who cares much, and they are usually surprised (not offended, though), when I point out that the rest of the world gets really mad about it. It seems like she is trying to cling to any point of Japanese culture as superior no matter what, which will make it much harder to adapt. I wish you the best of luck!

Kate, my thought exactly!

aloha joe, you say you've been married for 2 years now, but how long have you known her altogether? Also, how old are you two?

If you got married without really getting to know each other inside and out and on top of that if you couldn't communicate with each other well, of course, things will be very very hard. You'll probably have to work 5 times harder than a couple who knows each other well and speaks the same language.

Besides, not many people realise how hard it is to live in a foreign country whatever their nationality. You know the expression "the grass is always greener". Perhaps the reality has hit your wife harder than she ever expected and is taking the frustration out on you. But at the same time, she also knows the sacrifices and changes you made for her and for yourself, so she gets even more frustrated because she doesn't really have a "valid" or "legitimate" reason or basis to be really angry with you. Do you know what I mean? So, she probably feels trapped.

As for the whaling thing, come on, it's not about the whales! She's just defensive about anything to do with Japan because she's upset and annoyed about her whole life and situation in US.

Whatever the case, I wish you the best of luck.

Do not know if this is to late, but I am in the same boat.

What I have learned is that you have to come to terms that she will never be Americanized. For us, we decided it is best to move to Japan for us and the kids. That may not be the same for you. But untill then what I do is keep her busy. Always have a plan do something. Yes I would like to sit around the house and relax, but to keep her happy and her mind of Japan, I have a plan for almost everyday. Even it be just sitting around watching Japanese tv.

You have to remember if it ends up bad that she will move back to Japan, and the best thing for your kid is to never see them again. Seeing a kid maybe twice a year would be to confusing on them.

So with that said I also try to bring Japan to here. I have a couple websites that we can watch Japanese tv and movies on. A couple (real) Japanese food shops we go to every two weeks. One of the most important things I have bought is a Japanese tv reciever. This can be bought in Japan and hooked up to a Japanese tv and sent over an IP address to be sent to your computer. It costs about 200 dollars but is well worth it.

The steps you have taken to improve yourself for her are great. The Japan trips are great, and I hope she appreciates it. I know what it is like, all the things you do to soften the blow of coming to America, and not feeling aprreciated. You need to sit down with her and talk about it and make sure she understands the things you do and you need to understand the things she does. Then talk about what she wants truely. If she will never be completely happy in America, then you have to make the choice. Do everything you can to move to Japan or face the facts that it may not work out in the long run.

I have a list of websites that offer japanese tv and movies, extremely cheap tickets to japan, food, etc. The tickets if planned right can save you anywhere from 1000 to 2000 dollars a round trip. It is designed for only trips to america and japan and vise versa. tell me if u want them.

What you have done is great and keep it up. But you got to remember she did not move from a 3rd world country, or have any plans to ever live in america. So her heart may always be in Japan.

after reading this, i'd best get ready to learn japanese and move to japan haha just in case