Wedding present customs

I invited my japanese friend from Awaji-shima to attend my wedding in a country in South East Asia and she gave me a ceremonial envelope with money inside. I like to know if Japanese guests expect their hosts to return them 10% of the amount they gave as a token. Do they think that if the hosts do not give them a token amount, that's the end of their friendship? ‰�‚ª�؂ꂽ‚Æ‚¢‚¤‚±‚Æ‚©‚È�H�H�H

Japanese expect that there will be a wedding banquet (may be lunch or dinner, in any case, pretty much a full-course deal) to which they attend, and that the host "usually" gives a gift upon the guests leaving the banquet venue worth about, yes, 10% or so of the gift money.

This is of course assuming that you knew the Japanese custom and your friend expected you to act like a Japanese. AND of course assuming that she actually came to the wedding�@:)

- If she came to the wedding, then you might send her a small gift later, thanking her for coming all the way.

- If you invited her, but she did/does not attend, then the custom is that you give something in return worth 30% to 50% of the money given.

gasps. so it is really true that wedding couples should give 10% to their guests as a token. erm... i found this out too late. in fact, i only learnt of this several years after my marriage. no wonder my friend had this keen expression on her face! it has been years now but i still remember that strange expression. it was as if she could not bear to part with me as she walked me to my hotel room (my wedding was held at a hotel). but now of course i know it was because she thought i knew japanese customs! unfortunately, i did not know about that custom then.

in fact in my country, it is not common for wedding couples or their helpers to open the envelope & check how much is inside. Usually, the counting of money is done the next day as the couple is busy entertaining guests & the helpers are busy ushering guests.

Well, so now that i found out about this only several years after my marriage, what do u think is the ideal step to take?

sorry, but is this a typo error???

"If you invited her, but she did/does not attend, then the custom is that you give something in return worth 30% to 50% of the money given."

Why do i have to give her anything if she does not attend?

Nana,

I think you misunderstood AK's post.

So, you say you had your wedding at a hotel. Did you hold a wedding banquet? Did you invite your friend to that banquet and serve her food for free?

If so, as a result you served her an equavelent of roughly 10% of the gift money she may have given you.

And of course, you should never open gift money envelopes or even item gifts in front of your guests.

As for the other question, it's customary in any occasion to give a "gift in return" worth part of the original gift.

I suppose it's a way of saying, "You spoil me. You didn't have to give me as much as that. Only 90% of the value is enough for me." and "This is something for you in return so that you will remember this occasion."

And I don't think it's too outrageous a custom. For example, if you were in the UK and a friend gives you a birthday present. Then you'd give something on that friend's birthday as well. Or if your cousin buys you a drink, you might buy another drink for that cousin the next time you meet up.

Exchanging gifts is a nice way to show you care for each other.

nana,

About the 30% to 50% thing, you misunderstood my post (thank you, Uco-san).

What I meant is that you invite someone to your wedding, then:

- the invitee says yes to the wedding & banquet, attends, and gives you the money gift. In this case, your friend enjoyed the meal and the hospitality at the banquet, so just as a "token," you give a small gift upon the guests leaving.

- the invitee says sorry cannot attend, but sends you the money gift nevertheless. In this case, since your friend does not get to enjoy the banquet with you, the percentage for the value of the return gift gets higher. (In Japan, you get some monetary gift, and the custom is to give something in return of about half the value "as a guideline.")

i see. Ak, now i understand. I did not understand initially because in my country, people do not give money to wedding couple if they don't/can't attend.

Since you are not Japanese and your wedding wasn't held in Japan, I don't think you did anything wrong. If your friend was expecting to receive a gift in exchange, then she was the one in the wrong. She should have read about weddings in your country beforehand and not expected you, not being Japanese, to know about this stuff. Anyway, I don't think you should feel bad about this.

One more thing though:

Was she living in your country when you got married or did she only come to attend your wedding? If she came all the way to your country, I hope you somewhat made it up to her by helping with accommodation costs or something. If you didn't, then I would have returned her gift money... must have been an expensive trip for her! If she invites you to her wedding someday, you should really go!

As we are saying, Nana didn't do anything wrong, whether her wedding was held in Japan or not, as long as she held a banquet.

hi lizzie,

my fren came all the way from japan to attend. i helped her out with her accommodation by getting a good deal for her hotel room. and i went to the airport to meet her, have dinner with her & bring her to her hotel room the day before my wedding. i did this as a host because i figured since she came all the way here, the least i could do was to sacrifice my pre-wedding rest.