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Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2013/7/18 03:17
Hi there, I'm a French man, I wanted to ask you a question, I hope that I will get some answers that can make me understand a few things about that...

I started a few months ago to look for Jp penpals. Thanks to that website, I met multiple Jp penpals. That was the first time that I talked with Japanese persons, I was very glad.

I guess that a lot of people register on this website, in order to meet a Jp woman and, if possible, start a romance.
It is not my purpose. I contacted Jp men as well as Jp girls (always with a close age to mine: between 19 and 23). I was even contacted by Jp people after I posted my ad on the "friends" section of the website.
The surprising fact is that a large majority of the persons who contacted me were girls.
Anyway...


So I started multiple mail exchanges... let's say, one or maybe 2 mails per day, per penpal. Nothing really serious... And we were talking about our countries, cultures, languages,... absolutely nothing related to romance, or relationship.

The mystery is that: many of my Jp female penpals suddenly used to disappear. From yesterday to today, poof! disappeared.

I am aware that I'm not the first person to post such a topic like that, and I apologize for this. But, if you experienced a similar experience, would you have an idea about what's going on??

I admit that, for some of my Jp female penpals, we didn't really have an interesting conversation. It was like, "what do you study", "where do you live", "do you read mangas"... So those kind of boring conversations never go deeper...

But, for many of them, I used to have really interesting and friendly exchange! We used to share a few photos, to write with a lot of smileys, etc.. (and, for now, I KNOW that a Jp girl who sends messages full of smileys doesn't necessarely like to talk to you!...).

Almost all of those enthusiast girls disappeared too.


It is often said that Jp girls are shy, that they prefer not to reply instead of telling you the truth, blablabla....

But I'm still shocked by all this.
And now, I don't want anymore to contact Jp girls... I'm too scared to live those experiences again...

I'm an easygoing guy, I don't use to brutally end conversations like this...



Any idea about all this?
Once again, I DID NOT harass those girls with romance stories, and I didn't even dare going deeper in the personal questions...


note: in spite of all this, I still kept the contact with a few Jp penpals, boys or girls. The frequency of reply is slower, less enthusiastic than in the beginning... but we are faithful to each other and continue to talk.
I also add that, even if I felt quite upset by all this, I love Japan and Japanese people anyway. I never had any argument with my Jp contacts.

Sorry for that big amount of text. Everyone is welcome to help me. And, if they are Jp girls who read this, your reply is more than welcome. Maybe you feel ready to explain me the complexity of relationships in Japan.

Arigatou !!
by izquierda  

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2013/7/18 09:53
I believe most of your penpals could be busy. But sometimes they may get bored and don't say anything and just leave.
by Rei89 (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2013/7/18 10:57
I am sorry to hear about your penal experience. I think that you will find a lot of people on this forum have had similar experiences, so please do not take it personally. After all, these people have never met you and don't really know you.

If it makes you feel any better, I have a few Japanese friends (not romantic partners, just friends of the same sex) who, without notice, simply stopped communicating. And, these are people that I personally see a few times a year in Japan and have known for a few years! It kind of put a sour taste in my mouth about Japan.

So, in my case, I kind of take it personally. But I also realize that this is the way of the world these days. It is especially difficult to maintain relationships (either in person, or by email,) with such a distance.

I hope that you will find a penpal who will keep in touch, but don't blame yourself, or take it personally, if it does not happen.


by Guest (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2013/7/18 11:03
P.S.

To add to what I previously wrote:

Just a word of advice. Emailing twice a day is a bit much for anyone. I would reconsider your expectations and realize that most people do not have the time to reply to so many emails in one day.

I was in touch with my friends once a month, every month.

Good luck
by Guest (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2013/7/18 11:58
It happens, get over it.

Most are their for the attention or to practice English. Some have no intentions of meeting. Or maybe they just found you boring.

My view is that penpals are boring. I've been speaking to people before online and then just cut contact. It get's laborious. I have 100's of messages from this site from people and I've probably sent just as many back. They're sat their in my inbox, I can't be bothered replying to and half of them I get mixed up with as to who they are. Chances are, those girls your speaking to also have the same numbers if not more. Your not the only person they're speaking to.

The real skill is finding the one or two people who keep in touch and you find a true connection with; not just being polite and asking pointless questions to sound interested. For that, it could take another 50 people messaging to find.

There always comes a point where there is nothing left to talk about. Unless you do intend to meet them eventually it's not really worth it.


by Same thing (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2013/7/18 17:10
Its absolutely normal, that many will loose interest after a couple of emails.

And even if you do not want a romance, you may not notice it, but writing about mangas or animes will scare many women away.

Just continue trying and I am sure you will find some good penpals.
by CityHunter1981 rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2013/7/19 05:25
@Guest:
Thanks for sharing your experience, I think that you're right, it's a general trend and that's quite sad that it happens like that...
However I don't think that you should feel upset by Jp people: for myself, even in my home country (France), I lost the contact brutally with French persons... Let's say that we weren't close enough and that kind of relationship hardly survives when it becomes a mail exchange...
I think that your Japanese friends had nothing against you.

@Same thing:
I'm aware that everybody on this website has more than 1 or 2 penpals... I'd say that each member has at least 5 penpals, more or less close... However, believe me, I am pretty sure that I was close to the girls which I talked to. I could guess, by analysing their answers, that it was a true friendship. Their answers were not "copied-pasted answers" that many girls use to send to each one of their penpals...

@CityHunter1981:
Actually, I was always avoiding to talk about Mangas or Anime, video games...
That was just a question, that is asked sooner or later, but nothing serious...
I am perfectly aware that the Japanese girls on this website fear the Otaku Gaijin who are dreaming to meet their soulmate Otaku girl there...
by izquierda rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2013/7/19 15:32
Hi there,
Yes, this happens to mostly everyone. If you want a longer period of conversation, you have to develop an engaging reason for both sides such as language exchange or to make lessons for each other in order to learn each other's language. Also, it will most likely happen that communication will stop abruptly like %95 of the time. However, you can "friend" each other on facebook so that you can keep tabs on each other and comment or say something from time to time. I hope this helps!
by rsxguy04 rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2013/7/19 15:34
For the language exchange, we both would use skype so that we can actually talk to one another and to help each other pronounce words properly.
by rsxguy04 rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2014/5/16 06:10
wow, it has been a while this topic was opened,

just wanted to say that, almost one year after I opened this topic, things have a bit changed regarding my opinion of Japanese penpals, but the topic is still a current issue. Let me explain:

I've talked to a big number of new Jp penpals since the last time I was on this topic. The result is: I could make "true" Jp friends, some whom I could meet in my hometown, some others we keep regular contact by mail. That is good but I should mention that I had to meet at least 100 ppl on this penpal section before I could start a true friendship with around 10 penpals.

I guess I was not prepared to exchange with Jp penpals at the time I wrote this topic, so they got scared and stopped mailing. Maybe I asked too direct questions, maybe I was not aware of Japanese honne-tatemae, maybe I was... too Western. haha

But with those experiences I learnt to avoid making mistakes, to understand better how Japanese see a friendship relationship, and I now write to all of them in Japanese. and indeed my friends didn't "stop mailing" like some did before.

However: It happened again recently, two or three times: some of the Japanese penpals who were close to me as friends, stopped contacting me from one week to another.
And I still can't get why it happens...
In my home country (in Europe), when you start to think that your friend is less interesting than before, you use to slowly slow down the exchange. It takes, maybe, one full year to lose contact with a friend.

But in Japan everything happens so brutally... I really would like to know if some forumers here have experienced the same situation with their Japanese friend(s), and if they can explain why does this happen.
I won't give huge details but I have to mention I said absolutely nothing that could shock those Jp penpals who recently stopped contacting me, it's more like they got bored. And the penpals who stop contacting me are female, yes, not males. It goes with the title of my topic, once again. And if some of you may think I only contact female penpals, that's not true because I just post ads here and I received messages from males and females, and today I have both male and female penpals (and I've been contacted more by female than by males, don't know why, so I have more female penpals).

Thanks !
by izquierda rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2014/5/16 16:51
Happens all the time. I started out with about 10 penpals on the go from my first request, I'm currently down to one who is still in touch. I honestly don't think this is unique to here or to Japanese people though. I have met a lot of people over time via the internet through common interests, spent time with a lot of them offline in person even, some I'm not in touch with anymore, others I still speak to regularly. I think the main thing is to not take it personally or assume you did anything wrong, I highly doubt you did. It's just human nature, everyone gets busy, lives change and contact dwindles. There is also the 'excitement' of getting to know someone initially, but just as you said people get bored or struggle for things to say and move on.

The way I look at it is we won't all click with everyone else be it online or offline, and there is a certain process we go through before we get to that point. There will be casualties along the way, however I just concentrate on the one person that does click and build it up from there. I'd rather have one great penpal than 10 fairly uninterested ones.

I think you are concentrating your frustrations on Japanese people in particular because it is your focus area, however I can assure you it's not unique to any one nation. Just accept it happens and move on until you find the one that sticks!
by Carenza rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2014/5/16 17:09
Meant to say as well, unless you are writing to these people in fluent Japanese (which you might be, you don't say) then reading and responding in English or any other language takes time and effort on their part and interest can be lost very quickly from this aspect. In fact, I'd say this is one of the major factors for loss of contact in these circumstances.
by Carenza rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2014/5/20 01:10
thank you for your reply Carenza,

Well I don't concentrate any frustration on Japanese people, because before I started to use the penpal section of this website I used to go on some other penpal websites where there were people from all over the world, not especially Japanese. And the same thing happened lol
Russian, Korean, Taiwanese penpals.. all the ppl I met on those websites started mailing too. So I understand this is something global

I'm not "fluent" in Japanese but I can have a conversation if there are not too complicated words. And my penpals reply also in Japanese so they don't have to spend time on writing in English.

Regarding "moving until I meet the good people", that's what I did several times hahaha
From the first group of penpals who contacted me when I first posted my ad, none of them is still in touch with me. But fortunately, among people who replied to new ads, some became true friends with me.


By the way if other people read this message, here's a piece of advice for people who want to meet long-term Japanese penpals: write to your penpals in Japanese. In my experience, I started to keep in touch with my penpals precisely at the moment I wrote to them in Japanese. I can't tell a precise number, but you'll have 10 times more chances to keep in touch.
by izquierda rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2014/5/20 01:11
Sorry, I wrote "Russian, Korean, Taiwanese penpals.. all the ppl I met on those websites started mailing too. "

I meant "stopped mailing"
by izquierda rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2014/5/21 00:50
Sorry for the dumb question here OP but something seemed missing from your postings. Do you think the people who wrote back to you actually had a great deal of common ground with you interests wise? Reason I ask is having spent a little time scanning the friends ads here it is very rare to find a post which actually gives a good idea of the persons interests and persona though this could often be lost in translation. :s
by Willau (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2014/5/21 04:22
@Willau:

I used to mention my interests in my ads, I guess it was useful because some penpals who contacted me had interests, hobbies in common. So it was helpful to start a conversation :)

However I guess a majority of people will just contact you because your ad is interesting.
by izquierda (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2014/5/21 04:46
Are the ones with simerlar interests however the ones you tend to keep best? I admit over the years the ones I have kept in touch with have required me to do all the contacting and talking and its only the ones with the same interests as myself that have tended to stick around without me expending a lot of effort.

Maybe on reflection thinking about why you want to contact others long distance and what you wish to be the end goal, may help you. Then it may be easier to see others with the same goals? These are not always obvious shared interests in life I have found.
by Willau (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2014/5/21 05:14
@Willau:

well after I started learning Japanese I searched penpals to speak in Japanese with me. That was not about looking for "Japanese teacher", but, have the opportunity to exchange in Japanese with true Jp persons and maybe become friends. So even if they didn't have the same interests as me, I was always enthusiastic about exchanging with them. Believe me or not, I think that my best penpal friends now are not necessarely the ones who have the same interests as me!..

I think it is also something important that planning to meet your penpal later: when you decide to meet, in Japan or in your country, we feel more enthusiast about writing mails.
by izquierda (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2014/5/24 19:34
You can say it's an 'interesting' topic... but it happens all over the world with people who aren't Japanese ;)

No need to be hard on yourself, people cut you off and vise versa! It's just part of meeting strangers on the internet !!

I have over 150 different messages from all these different people and have found a handful that are worth keeping in touch with..because in the end that's all you need ;)
by razorRX rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing 2014/5/25 02:50
Abrupt replies can seem rude , I have had a friend whom I wrote for 2 years suddenly cut off. But I guess that is how the world works. I have had a lot of people stop mailing to me the moment we exchanged pictures( I dont look very good ha). I guess physical appearance is a factor.

People online tend to use facial appearance as a benchmark for evaluating a person. The other thing with international pen friends is people have weird fantasies and stereotypes(Ty Hollywood) and expect you to fulfill them.

The moment they find out that real life is not like that - they lose interest. A good Japanese pen friend stopped writing to me after I told her that we dont eat curry everyday in India and Dancing is not a part of our life. (Probably telling her that I dont know Yoga added to it as well :( ) I told it to her in polite words too.

Dont be hard on yourself and move on, If they didnt care even to grace you with a parting mail , they were probably not good friends.
by rishabhrrr rate this post as useful

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