Social faux pas at enkai

So I had my first bon enkai (end of year) party today - I work as an ALT at a high school. I familiarised myself with as many etiquette rules as possible in preparation for the enkai but obviously didn't prepare myself well enough. On the way to the enkai I got a bit lost. When I found it I met several flustered teachers who had gone searching for me in the rain. I had arrived on the dot but this was obviously very late, and it was extremely awkward walking into the huge, formal Japanese style hall and feeling everyone's eyes on me. Later that night a drunk teacher told me how everyone was concerned about me (they had been calling my phone which happened to be on silent) which made me feel terrible. I know that punctuality is very important in Japan and it's crucial to be early (I always arrive early to work), but I didn't realise turning up on the dot to something outside of work hours would cause such a drama. As the enkai began I panicked due to the drink situation. I wanted to pour for people but everyone was drinking something different - wine, sake, non alcoholic beer, etc etc. It took me a while to figure out how to access the drinks table, by which time two of my senpais had already approached me to pour for me. These senpais are easygoing and relaxed but will they have a bad impression of me because I didn't approach them first? And finally towards the end of the night, someone I poured for told me to do it with two hands (unknowingly, I had been pouring with just one). This made me think "oh dear, I've been offending people all night with my pouring technique!". Then at the end of the formal enkai (around 10pm) the vice principal and a small group were going on to a 2nd party, and they assumed that I would go with them. I'm not a big drinker or partier and just wanted to go home. So as we left the building I told them I have to get up early the next day for a Japanese lesson so I could not come. They seemed okay with it, but is it considered a social slight to reject your boss when they invite you to a secondary party? For some reason I've had pangs of anxiety all night because I feel like I screwed everything up. My question is, will these social faux pas leave a bad impression on my colleagues, or are they the sort of mistakes that Japanese people are relaxed about and will easily forget? Thank you.

Yea, so you're way over thinking things. The bonenkai is supposed to be about forgetting the past year and its troubles, not making new ones ;) Plus there's a kind of unwritten rule that what happens at an enkai is forgotten about by the next day. As I read each of your individual questions the same answer comes up: relax, it's not a big deal.

Once I did an internship at a Japanese company and also had a bounenkai. At that party I saw a manager grab several bodyparts of several women. Later I saw a married coworker disappear into the bathroom with an office lady. I was completely drunk (because that was the president's aim) and had to listen to the president's escapades with several women over the past few years, while telling me I happened to spill some of my beer on his pants and all he did was laugh. The next office day some people clearly had headaches, but no one ever talked about the party.

Long story short: you should be fine, and no Japanese expects a foreigner to completely understand their culture and traditions anyway :)

Hi

Like the others have said, you're almost certainly over thinking all this and needn't worry about offending your colleagues. They've already forgotten about you being 'late' and no one would concern themselves with the fact that you poured with one hand rather than two.

Incidentally, although this may only have been a typo and not intended, you wrote 'bon enkai' as though suggesting it was a 'bon' style of enkai... A 'bounenkai' (–Y”N‰ï) is a 'forget the year party' - bou nen kai, rather than bon enkai...

;-)

They were just concerned because you're relatively new to Japan and they thought you might be lost.

And as others have said, no-one is going to be offended by your pouring technique- they'll just think that's how people do it in your country.

Japanese people are not generally that sensitive, and they don't expect non-Japanese to know and follow every Japanese custom- provided you don't wear shoes inside houses or use soap in the bath you'll be fine ;)

Hi it's me again! After this enkai I have not been invited to any more. I know of at least two enkais that have happened that I wasn't invited to. Have they stopped inviting me because I might have made a bad impression at the first one?

Usually, colleagues invite even the most annoying drunk ones for the second time. I truly doubt that the reason you were not invited is because you did something wrong.

On the contrary, perhaps they sensed that you're not really an enkai-type person, and decided they leave you alone. Also, things like bo-nen-kai and welcome/goodbye parties tend to be a must, while the other gatherings tend to be done just among those who enjoy partying.

So, was everyone invited to the recent enkais? If so, how? For example, if there was invitation notes delivered, you should notify that you seemed to be left out of the list. On the other hand, if there were some who weren't invited, that is that. If you wish to be invited the next time, just tell them.

I guess the pouring thing is like the meishi cards, the giving of presents and handing over money when there is no tray. It should be done with both hands to signify you are paying 100% attention to them and to nothing/no one else. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

They don't invite you once you declined their offer. Japanese natives don't do again once it had declined.

I agree with tokyo friend. It is customary to go to bonenkai. If you decline, they generally won't ask you again.

tokyo friend and K box, please read the original poster's follow-up question carefully.

He is not saying that he was not invited to another "bonenkai," but other kinds of "enkai." And it is not that he declined to go to bonenkai in the first place.


Jinx88,

I agree with Uco that probably they thought you are not quite a Japanese party type of person, and decided to give your private time off. I don't think the missing few invitations had anything to do with whatever impression you might have left.

I'm guessing the reason you're not being invited is that you declined the nijikai, so they think you don't enjoy drinking. Or maybe your colleagues just want to relax and speak Japanese all night.

You're probably better off not being invited, and being spared the awkwardness and boredom of repeated enkai.

If you actually want to go though, maybe casually mention to some of your colleagues that you went out drinking over the weekend with friends, and had a good time. That will dispel your image as a non-partygoer.

You're going to hate Japan (and appear very strange to people) if you hold yourself to this Edo-period courtesan behavioural standard. You sound like someone who cares what people think anyway, so you're at no risk of being the belligerent, entitled American.

Do you actually want to drink with your colleagues? If so, say to them "let's go drink" and they will be happy, because everbody loves booze.