Student/teacher barriers

I`m a female ESL teacher at a Japanese high school of 16-18 year olds. One of the male students has taken a particular shine to me and regularly visits me in the staff room during lunch time to chat. The other JTEs think this is a great sign because he is showing interest in English which most students at this school seldom do. I agree it`s good that he is making an effort to engage with me however I feel a little uncomfortable about it. In my previous job I had an issue with a male colleague who didn`t understand boundaries and I worry that by giving this student all this special attention he may get the wrong idea. Today he came into the staff room and presented me with a chocolate cupcake he had baked himself. I wasn`t sure how to respond so I followed the lead from another JTE who saw him give me the cake and raved about how nice it was. Then he asked if he can visit me after school next week when a staff meeting is happening (I`ll be the only one here!). I told my fellow JTE about this and said that I don`t think it`s right to be alone with another student in the staff room for an extended period of time but she seemed to think it was a good idea. She said if I feel uncomfortable talking in the staff room I can go to a disused classroom, but this is still the same problem. In Japan there seems to be a culture of teachers dropping everything to accommodate their students` needs but as a foreigner who has had problems with boundaries in the past, giving a lot of attention to just one student makes me nervous because he can easily misinterpret it. Am I being overly-cautious about this? How do I tell my colleagues that I feel uncomfortable having students visit me when I`m alone? How can I politely get across that I need personal space without seeming rude or discouraging?

Not to go immediately to worst-case scenario, but one of my friends had a similar situation that escalated until the student broke into her house, and it turned out he'd been breaking in for months when she was showering or asleep. In that case as well the teachers at school thought it was cute and sweet and dismissed her complaints until she ended up having to call the police so if you feel the student is getting out of line try to go above the school to a supervisor or coordinator.

Obviously that's not going to happen in the vast majority of cases and most kids (even with a crush on the teacher) just want to chat. While most teachers do drop everything for the kids usually it's because the kids have something specific to discuss- something from that day they didn't understand, the most recent test, etc. If he just wants to talk in general and its taking up your time maybe say you are busy planning things most days (and during staff meeting time), but arrange certain times as "office hours" for English, so students can drop by then if they want to practice English (even if he ends up being the only one to take advantage of it)? That way he knows he can't just drop by any time but can still get some attention and English practice, and it's clear your not giving him special treatment.

I think he is interested in you, not in English. He likes your and your behavior.

It rather strange aspect that girls do cooking/baking and take those what they made to school and eat/share with other girls. It's a typical feminine aspect and can be seen in many schools but is hardly seen among boys.

This coming sat is the st valentine's day.
This may the reason that he brought those cupcakes for you. This is because giving and receiving chocolates among friends is very popular (commercial) culture in JP.

I'm not sure about the facilities in your JP school but there is an advice room(So-dan-shitsu) normally at school, where pupils and teachers can be discussed about their career and/or problems secretly. If you will use the So-dan-shitsu, always open the door while you are in the room with the boy. A boy age 16-18 is already sexual mature. All things can be happened.

Never be alone with the boy. If you need to talk to him, ask other teaches to be with you. And, never talk about your personal life.

It another way to do an extra tuition with a group of 4-5 pupils include the boy then you don't have to be alone.

or, simply tell to the boy that you don't do an after school tuition because of the contract. You can do the lunch time tuition when the other teachers are with you in the staff room.

What do you chat about with the boy?
I have no idea what chattering can be exchanged between pupils and teachers.
Teachers in JP are always frighten people to me.

Thanks for the ideas everyone. You are right that even if it is a little crush he probably just wants to talk to me, lots of kids have naive crushes and most of the time nothing bad happens. It's hard because the other JTEs, including my boss, seem to think that as a native speaker if students want to practice their English they should be doing it with me. Which makes sense, but it's awkward when he comes into the staff room during my lunch break (when I'm hungry and just want to eat!) and sits there waiting for me to initiate conversation. I just ask him what he did on the weekend, stuff like that. He asked if I had a boyfriend once and I said 'sort of' to avoid being asked details (I don't have a bf, but didn't want to tell him that), and he said he had a girlfriend but I don't know if that's true. It is hard because there aren't any other students who are asking for extra tuition or even interested in English, he is the only one who shows interest so by default he is the only one who will come to talk to me, or come to any extra activities if I organise them. There's another girl who comes to talk to me sometimes but this isn't on a regular basis and she is busy with her other club activities after school. He has just asked a JTE about the defunct English Club, he wants to quit the brass band in order to join the nonexistent English club, so now the JTEs are all excited that a student is showing interested in the club and working with me to start it up again. It's awkward because the club will likely be just him, me and another teacher. I told the JTEs I want to make a poster to advertise the English club and get new people along but they are against this because they want to keep the club small so they want to handpick members, which means I will likely be stuck with just him as the other students likely to be asked are already busy with other club activities. As teachers seem to prioritize students ahead of themselves, and devote a lot of their time to interacting with students, I worry that it will reflect badly on work ethic if I tell him I can't talk to him after school due my contract. If I do that my supervisor will think I'm not keen in getting to know the students or willing to go the extra mile, when that's not it at all. The whole thing is just bizarre to me because in my home country the opposite would happen - teachers would be discouraged from giving individual students extra attention and this behavior from students certainly would not be encouraged.

Girls are quite often interested in foreign language, people and food, and also love chattering, so I understand if girls come to see you frequently. Boys show less interest in foreign language and people.

I think it's quite unusual aspect when the boy comes to see you for just an ordinary chattering, not for asking English homework or test/exam preparation. When pupils need to see their teachers individually, their purpose is to complete the homework, prepare for the exam/test. I've never asked any of school teachers about their personal life.

I think you can organize an English conversation circle(Eikaiwa-Doko-kai, ‰p‰ï˜b“¯�D‰ï) once a week which does not require pupils to quit their current clubs with the other JETs. The boy can be joined the circle while he can do the brass band activity. The circle can be organize on the day when the brass band club does not do. Ask about "Dokokai" activities to the head teacher.

I still strongly recommend you not to be too close with the boy. He is already mature enough.

As a mother of a former high school boy and as a former high school girl myself, I think you can be straighforward to that student and tell him that you can chat only at "public" places so that it would be "fair" to other students.

I also wonder how experienced that "other JTE" is. Japan has had a fair share of teacher/student problems, and teenagers can get very enthusiastic even when there is no "real" relationship between the teacher.

When I was very young, it wasn't uncommon for students to visit teachers' homes for a chat, but nowadays I think most schools make it a rule to keep their home addresses a secret to the students and parents. They do have barriers and many handle them very well. I'm not saying that it's best to always have barriers. I'm just saying that it's necessary sometimes and that it's not uncommon.

You might want to discuss this with other teachers such as the school counselor or the school nurse, even if you have to use an interpreter. I'm sure you understand that I'm not saying you should completely reject this student, but you should indeed set a barrier of your own while it the situation is this naive.

Thanks everyone. My concern is how I will be viewed by my supervisor and the other JTEs if I distance myself from this student. The JTE who encourages him to visit me is my supervisor and senpai. She's also the one who is starting up the English club again - I can't say no to this because I was hired as an ALT and helping out with the English Club is in my contract. She has been teaching for 7 years. Unfortunately I think she can be naive about boundaries with students, to the point where if I told her why I don't want to be alone with a male student, she simply wouldn't understand my concern. As a relatively new ALT I feel very hesitant to voice my concerns openly as I don't want to cause problems. I feel like it's my job to do what they ask of me, even if it makes me uncomfortable. After all I'm supposed to be accessible to students - if I tell them I want this student to back off they'll think I am not doing my job. Maybe I should do what some have suggested, surpass the JTEs and be clearer with the student directly. However I feel that he will continue to reach out to me as long as he is encouraged to do so by the JTE. How common is this in Japan? I know at my school, students and teachers can be quite close, and it's completely normal for a teacher to drive a student home or even visit sick students at their homes. When I observe this dynamic, I feel that any concerns I have about barriers would be lost on my colleagues who operate in a completely different way.

Hi again,

I'm basically just going to repeat what I've already written.

First of all, I think that in both Japan and most English-speaking countries (wherever you are from) you are expected to discuss your problems with a third person if your direct supervisor doesn't qualify. Respecting your supervisor and not questioning her are two different things. That's why I'm saying you should discuss the matter with a school councelor/nurse. Or you can discuss it with whoever you're supposed to which is usually the supervisor of your supervisor.

Secondly, you don't have to reject the student. All you have to say is that you can't be alone with him. If your supervisor insist you be alone with him (which is truly weird compared to what is normally expected in Japan) then that's her problem. Again, discuss with someone else and let that person back you up.

Third, I don't think that starting up an English club should cause any problems, so I don't understand what you are saying as far as that part is concerned.

As a relatively new ALT I feel very hesitant to voice my concerns openly as I don't want to cause problems.

But you might cause problems with the student if you don't voice your concerns, don't you think? You've got to voice it to someone.

I feel like it's my job to do what they ask of me, even if it makes me uncomfortable.

That's and illusion. Either you or they should be convinced until both are comfortable.

Maybe I should do what some have suggested, surpass the JTEs and be clearer with the student directly.

I'm not sure if telling him, "I can chat with you, but not alone. We can chat in the playground." or "I'm afraid I'm busy at that time, but you can come back at so and so when others are here." is surpassing the JTEs.

However I feel that he will continue to reach out to me as long as he is encouraged to do so by the JTE. How common is this in Japan?

Reaching out isn't a problem and is common. Going too far is a problem and is not common.

I know at my school, students and teachers can be quite close, and it's completely normal for a teacher to drive a student home or even visit sick students at their homes.

Yes, that's part of high school teachers' job in Japan. It's totally different from seeing students alone.

Anyway, you seem pretty mixed up to me. Talk face to face with someone who can understand you.

I wouldn't say it's strange for a boy to be interested in English. I had boys who liked English when I taught. Maybe girls will admit it more easily if they like it, but there are plenty of boys that like to study English just like any other subject.

I agree with Uco. There's no reason to cut this boy off, and you can draw boundaries without being mean. Saying you don't meet students 1-on-1 is your policy and you will apply it to everyone does not have to be a big deal. It's okay to have personal boundaries even if your peers and supervisors don't care. If you don't draw the line early where you want it, you may find it difficult to do it later. Rather than backtracking or trying to explain to him why it was okay that one time but not anytime in the future, just do it from the get-go. He should be fine when he sees that you are open to conversation, just on your own terms.

If your coworkers and supervisors try make it an issue, you can always just say that this is how it is in your country and it's one point that you are simply not comfortable compromising on. It's not ideal, but cultural difference is easier for people to swallow than just "being difficult".

DangerZone (Code Red!)
Set ground rules for any interction
(a) No oustide school interaction, only within the school and during school hours
(no 1-1 intercation in any closed door room; room door must be open with other people around)
(b) Sit across from the student i.e with a table in between, never side-by-side
Put pen and paper on the table and record any discussion issue ; test him now and then to check whether he's really interested in learning English and document his progress(mistakes and all.

The documentation of the discussion (the dossier) will come in useful to protect yourself in any dispute.
(c) set time limits and parameters
Set your cellphone to ring say after 20 minutes
Prepare an exit strategy or Plan B
Nver let yourself be cornered.(physically or otherwise)

worst-case (or paranoid) case: make sure he's not stalking you to your home.
Be aware of your surroundings at all times

if your modesty is at stake, it's better to be safe than sorry;

Any adverse publicity will rebound on the school authorities especially if a foriegner is involved(the Streisand effect)

It rather strange aspect to me that teachers/tutors taking (occasionally) pupils/students their home by car at Japanese school.

If you live in a rural area, it can be acceptable. This is because people in rural area live in a small community, they are almost all well known each other for many years(sometimes up to three generations) and almost all friends, nothing to hide.

I like to keep some distance between pupils and teachers in terms of personal and academic way. Teachers should not be apart of pupil's friends.

I think it's a good opportunity to make an extra tuition hour, may be once a week for one hour or so, and enjoy English conversation there. Then you don't need to chat during the lunch hour. I don't think the other pupils come and see their subject teachers at lunch time to chat.

Also, I assume you are not a direct hire of the school and have a supervisor unrelated to the school who may understand your position better and have more leverage to tell the school on your behalf that you cannot be required to meet one on one with students alone.

As another note, I've been teaching in Japan for ten years now and have never heard of an "invite-only" English club. Aside from being odd it seems to have the opposite purpose of what it should- getting more students interested in English. I think you should have an open club, advertise it, and try to encourage as many students as possible to drop by. Usually having a weekly "English circle" or something actually works better than an official club because students usually already have a busy club schedule and then can come when they are free without pressure (usually if you're showing a movie or doing a holiday culture party;) ).

Well I raised it with the head of the English department. I raised it in terms of the English club because I thought that would be gentler than 'I have some concerns about a student'. First I raised the issue of the JTE wanting the English Club to be insular and only focused on this one student. I asked the head of the department if it would be okay to advertise club activities by making posters in spite of this JTE's vision as an invite-only club. The head of the department agreed with me that it should be an open club which was a relief because I think having an insular club is futile. Then I transitioned to raising the 'club schedule' over the next month and mentioned that the boy has asked me to meet alone outside of official club meeting dates. I told her his enthusiasm is great but I feel strange to be alone with a student in an empty classroom. She seemed surprised and didn't really understand my concern. She said: 'sometimes things happen between teachers and students but this is very rare so you shouldn't be worried about that, it is okay to meet with him alone'. I had to push the fact that I would prefer to chat to him in an open space with other people around. I told her he may be developing a little crush and told her he baked a cupcake for me and he asked me if I had a boyfriend. I think she got it, but at the same time I feel like a total idiot for raising it. I think she thinks I am just being paranoid and I really don't want her to have that impression of me. Also I'm worried that I've now caused potential tension between the JTE and the head of the department, because I've gone over that JTE's head. I hate navigating workplace relations in Japan, it's much more fiddly than it is back home where there aren't so many rules about who you speak to and what you say.

And I totally agree with everyone else's ideas about more flexible English circles etc, the problem is I am not really in a position to tell the JTE what to do as she is the club organizer and takes that very seriously.

Hi,

I really feel for you as I know exactly how it feels to not want to insult your collegaues in any way but at the end of the day, this boy is making you feel uncomfortable which is the what should be the most important thing.

Unfortumately I don't really have any advice except to say that even though your Japanese colleagues are dismissing this as 'normal', at the end of the day you come from a different culture where it is not. As others have said, continue on with the 'extra tuition' for this boy but make it clear you have boundaries/times/places where he can come to you and if he oversteps the mark make sure you tell your colleagues.

I was an ALT a few years ago and I used to say I had Japanese classes or was meeting Japanese friends whenever I wanted to get out of school-related things (haha!). I think my colleagues were happy I was trying to learn Japanese rather than just going home to chill out.

Do you belong to a Board of Education? I'm not sure how it works nowadays but we used to have monthly meetings at the BoE where we could discuss any issues. Maybe ask them for advice?

Also, for the club activities, does it always have to be conversation-based? Maybe you could create some activities such as magazine translation, writing tasks, etc so he can go away and work on these himself?

Good luck!

Hey Nat. Yes I'm with a BOE but they're unapproachable. On the day I arrived in Japan the BOE representative said: "The guidebook says we're here to help with problems. We are... but we would really prefer if you try to solve problems for yourselves. Please be proactive and resolve issues with your supervisor and JTEs if you can, or your friends / PA. If that doesn't work, then come to us as a last resort". lol. It's a small and overworked BOE so they resent looking after the JETs and prefer us to sort things out ourselves. I'd only approach them with a problem if it was very serious and causing me to ponder breaking my contract. I can see where the JTEs are coming from, I mean he's a good kid who is genuinely interested in English so even if he does have a little crush it's unlikely that anything bad will happen. I just want a bit of distance to stop things getting super awkward. Anyway, I still feel very worried about how my colleagues will perceive me as they probably think I'm overreacting about a situation that is completely normal to them. Oh well, at least it's been raised early and "nipped in the bud" so to speak.

I know what you mean. When I was a JET I had this guy keep coming to my house (not a student, a 30-something year old man) and for about a week over the summer he came round every morning knocking on my door, waking me up and asking if he could come into my flat. He kept asking me questions like if I liked muscley men and flexing his biceps and he brought me chocolate cake too. It really scared me but when I mentioned it I was told it was 'normal' for Japanese people to bring snacks and cake and things to their 'new friends/neighbours' but I was like 'he is not my friend!'

One day I was sat with my friend in my apartment(he was facing the window) and suddenly he jumped up and told me someone had come up to the sliding doors (I was on the ground floor), tried to open the door, saw him and ran off. From that point on I just thought 'f**k it this isn't normal' so I asked my JTE to take me to the police station to report him (after making a fool of myself by crying in the staff room when I explained to her what was happening!).

I'm pretty sure most of the teachers thought I was overeacting but it wasn't long after Lindsey Hawker was killed and I just thought I'm not taking any chances.

Sorry I don't mean to sound melodramatic (I was freaked out as she went to my Uni) I just mean don't worry about causing an 'unecessary' fuss - if they can't understand why you're concerned that's their problem.

Is there another JTE you could have a word with? Maybe you could just say 'I feel silly for being worried but this would never happen at home and I don't want to cause a fuss but I don't feel comfortable handling it on my own'. I'm sure they won't take too much offence at anything you do - most of the Japanese teachers I worked with just put any 'non-standard behaviour' down to me being a foreigner!

Maybe just keep yourself busy for a few weeks and see if you can get anyone else interested in English for your club.

the BOE representative said: "The guidebook says we're here to help with problems. We are... but we would really prefer if you try to solve problems for yourselves. Please be proactive and resolve issues with your supervisor and JTEs if you can, or your friends / PA. If that doesn't work, then come to us as a last resort".

Just to add, I think they just say that to avoid the so-called "monsters" who barge into the BOE without even trying.

Nowadays, "monster parents" and anonymous internet users seem to or encourage to go straight to the BOE to make complaints without even trying the old-fashioned way. I as a parent have been hearing the same thing as what that representative said, ever since my son started going to school some 15 odd years ago.

But the BOE was cool when I actually did go to them to discuss issues. By then I had talked to students, teachers, friends and councelers who all did help, and the BOE was another group of people who assisted me on the problems that my son was facing back then at school.

So if the BOE has a number or email you can contact to, I don't think you need to be hesitant about talking to them as long as you've already tried other things.

Just so that you'd know.

Thanks Uco! Nat that's a creepy story, you must have felt extremely alone especially as your colleagues did not understand your concern. As foreign women we stand out like sore thumbs here and this has a potential to attract weirdos like the guy who was turning up to your apartment. As an outsider I wonder how Japanese people deal with stalking and harassment when it seems that a lot more is tolerated culturally because people are more trusting of each other. I imagine in situations like yours, this behaviour is often dismissed as the guy just being "polite" or "welcoming" when in reality it is harassment and very distressing for women, especially foreign women who live alone. Hopefully I won't be in a similar situation, so far so good! :)

I wonder how Japanese people deal with stalking and harassment when it seems that a lot more is tolerated culturally because people are more trusting of each other

Stalking is and has been a very serious crime in Japan, and unfortunately women have been killed long before Lindsey, so people take it very seriously. Harassment is also taken seriously, and in the recent decades seminars have been commonly held for male managers. When I was still a young J girl and was harassed back in the '80s, when the word "harasumento" was yet to exist, my older female J colleagues were very understanding.

so people take it very seriously.

Yes, for example if a woman complains of a stalker, police will go as far as to try to call him by phone ! If he doesn't answer, you're out of luck, however...

(Yes, I'm referring to the recent Mitaka case, of course.)