Problem with Host Family

Hello. I've been having some issues regarding my stay with my host family. While I've been getting along with them, I haven't exactly been happy with them, particularly with my host mother. Whenever she scolds me, which is usually because of rude behavior ( considered rude behaviors in Japan) afterwards she tries to make me feel better. Is this normal in Japan? It just feels weird when she scolds me( and being the big crybaby I am, I usually shed some unnecessary tears) then tries to make me feel better seconds afterwards.

Another issue was with her treatment towards what language to use in the house. Now that I'm speaking a lot more Japanese, I've noticed that she, in a way tries to ban English. Sometimes when my host father communicates with me in English, my host mother will tell him to stop and speak Japanese. I know that she wants my Japanese to get better but it just seems unfair when she's bossing the family around and telling them what to do.

I feel you may be the weirdo here. I think it is rather normal in cultures across the world to behave like your host mother does, assuming you are still rather young. May I ask how old you are and where you are from?

It's difficult to comment on the first point without knowing the details of both the "rude behavior" and the "scolding", but in light of the second point it seems to me the mother is just a control freak. Get out if you can.

It just feels weird when she scolds me( and being the big crybaby I am, I usually shed some unnecessary tears) then tries to make me feel better seconds afterwards.

My impression is that you're rather sensitive, as the family dynamic doesn't sound all that atypical. I mean she doesn't sound like she's yelling at you for no reason or terrorizing the family... Can you give more specifics about what you do to cause her to scold you? And how does she try to correct you?

I will admit that I am a very sensitive person, and possibly a weirdo as well but I just wanted to know how to fix these reoccurring problems since they have been affecting my home stay.

For examples regarding number 1, she tends to scold me on my behavior. Examples are referring a superior ( my host mother) as You instead of their name or saying something along the lines of ( she said this and he said that). She told me that this was considered rude behavior, something that never would have occurred to me in my culture. I am American, by the way so there are a lot of differences between the American and Japanese culture.

Maybe she's going about it the wrong way but it sounds like she's trying to help you with your Japanese. Correcting you when you make mistakes so that you won't say something that is considered rude to someone outside of the home. She just might be one of those people (and they exist in every country) that comes across as a little gruff even though they're not.

About the English/Japanese thing - I would imagine a lot of Japanese host families are told that the student they are hosting is there to study Japanese, and thus the family should attempt to behave completely normally, including using Japanese all the time.

Your host mother might have taken this to heart, and wants you to improve your Japanese. So, in trying to act as they would normally, she tries to make everyone not use English. Because, if you weren't there, they would never use it. I feel like this is a good thing. They are including you. No way you should be upset about this.

I did a homestay 10 years ago, for 1 academic year. My host family couldn't speak English very well at all, and so nearly 100% of our communication was in Japanese. It was awesome. Other students on my program complained that their host family used English all the time, tried to have them teach it to their children, friends, etc. Perhaps your host mother is even aware that past students have complained about things like this, and she doesn't want you to get the impression that you are being used as a live-in English teacher. This is possible, especially if they have hosted other students many times before.

Also, the fact that she scolds you and then soon acts nice towards you. After living here for many years, I would say that your host mother sounds quite nice. If she simply scolds you a little and then resumes acting normally, that's great. What would worry me more is if she gave me lectures or sat me down for little talks that lasted 10+ minutes. Just a little scolding, followed by reverting to her normal behavior? Sorry, but I think that the only problem is in your own head.

Unless there's something major that you haven't mentioned yet, I think you need to reevaluate your situation and realize that you have a valuable learning experience here. Stick with the current host family, don't change. They sound fine. You might end up with some family that is never around, doesn't bother communicating with you at all, and serves you curry rice 7x a week (this happened to a former classmate of mine).

It just feels weird when she scolds me( and being the big crybaby I am, I usually shed some unnecessary tears) then tries to make me feel better seconds afterwards.

How is it done back home then? I grew up in L.A. in the early 70s and the grown-ups' behavior was pretty much like your Japanese host mother's.

I was hardly scolded back at home because I behaved myself and my parents didn't see any reason to scold or get angry with me. On those rare occasions though where I did get scolded, my mother would scold me and we would be angry with each other for pretty much the rest of the day. She wouldn't try to make me feel better at all. That's why I was somewhat weirded out when my host mother scolds me but then tries to make me feel better afterwards.

So she helps you by correcting your Japanese usage and then consols you when you get upset. Maybe it's me, but I'm not really seeing an issue here...

Sofia,

Thank you for the clarification. I wonder if your school teachers and relatives were always like your mom from home too.

Like others have pointed out, I think your host mother is just trying to make it very clear what your ideal behavior should be.

You might see it as "scolding," but she may see it as "strict education" or something. And to show that she is not angry at you and that she is not denying you as a whole, she is nice to you when you are the great person you usually are. To me, this is normal behavior for most people I've seen in the three continents I've lived/traveled to.

But if you feel that this "scolding" itself is too harsh for you, maybe you should speak up and tell her what would be a better way to let you learn about ideal behaviors. For example, maybe you're the type of a person who needs a smile when you're being taught something new. If so, just tell her.

Similarly, she is probably just trying to "encourage" or "remind" your host father to speak in Japanese. You may see it as "controlling," but if your host father doesn't have a problem with that, then why should she not encougage him?

Anyway, I find that your host mother is very eager to educate you. After all, she is your mother in Japan, not your servant or hotel owner. Meanwhile, she is not your real mother and doesn't know you well enough, so she doesn't know what sort of education method suits you best.

And you probably had less problems back home, because you were very used to everything that goes on. On the other hand, you are experiencing a whole "new" life here in Japan. Any person makes mistakes when (s)he is facing something new, so you have to deal with that. But you learn from mistakes and differences too, and that I believe is what you're here for.

I hope you have a nice day today :)

Why did you choose a host family? To experience the culture and impove your Japanese I think?

It's definitely a tough love approach but she is trying to help you.

You mention the cultural differences. Yeah, obviously. You are in Japan now, gotta adjust your behavior.

Also this sounds to me you cannot deal well with scolding because you have not experienced it much in your home. Deal with it?