Good couple therapy in English

Hello,

Unfortunately, recently my wife and me are always fighting. It became really stressful for me and my wife said she hates me know and want to divorce me. However, I am quite sure that she doesn�ft mean it like that because we always have also better phases, where she says she loves me and need me. We were happily married and never really had an argument, except once a month, because she became a monster one day in a month, which she also admitted afterwards.

However it started to change when she was pregnant with our first child and also after birth, once a month for several days we started to have constant fights and always she started them about really small things like if I forgot to turn the light in the toilet off, which she also frequently does. I will always remember like I came home one day and everything was peaceful and we were happy, but suddenly without reason, she started to ask: did you do this and I said yes and I could also say yes to all other questions and I could already feel like she is suddenly searching something to be angry about. She couldn�ft find anything and said by herself: does not matter i still get angry and so the fight started again. Since that time the smallest thing could trigger an episode and i am in constant fear, although if she makes sometimes big mistakes, I never get angry with her.

However around 1 year after our baby was born she stopped giving the milk and shortly afterwards I recognized that the fighting continued to became less and less, since I was also reading that around that time, the hormones finally get to normal levels again.

Around that good time we had a serious talk, where she said how sorry she was about everything and that it�fs not my fault. We decided also to get a second child then and she already warned me that she will be even „more crazy this time�g (her words). But she also asked me to never stop believing in her and never give her up and I said I will never break this promise.

Now our son is 5 months old and it became worse and worse (with good episodes between), but I clearly recognize that she will explode again about the smallest things and regardless of what I am doing, I am doing it wrong. I still love her and never wants to leave my children, but I am starting to feel abused and i recognize that the situation is also affecting my health.

I tried to explain what I think and even said that I think she has a postpartum depression, because when I checked the blogs of other people with women with this condition it sounds 100% like me and my wife. However that made it just worse, but I should have known that because no woman with this condition recognizes that it is her.

So I was hopping we can have some professional talk to us and perhaps if he make the same diagnosis and tells my wife, perhaps then she will understand it better, get some medicine I tried to see a clearer picture.

Does someone know a good couple therapist in Tokyo, who can speak English (my wife is Japanese but my Japanese is far from good enough to have a meaningful conversation about this). Preferable someone who also have experience with postpartum depression.

I forgot to mention, I don't consider myself perfect, I make sometimes small mistakes, but I certainly don't do more than other people. And I am at a point where I don't have any free time not even to watch TV. My day looks like waking up, preparing breakfast for my wife and older child, going to work, return home, eating dinner and play with the children until bed time. When they are finally sleeping I wash the dishes, clean up the rooms, do some other house things and then go to bed to get 7 hours sleep. Of course if the baby is waking up, although already fed, I will also wake up and carry it until it sleeps again.

My wife always says I just want to have a lazy life, but I don't understand it when I see, that I don't have any free time. In contrary she is the one, who watches TV nearly all the day while I am at work and browsing on her phone after she went to bed 2-3 hours earlier than me.

I get that it is stressful to be with the baby the whole day at home and also take care of the second after it finishes day care and sometimes I get the feeling that she is jealous that I can leave the house and go to work, but I already told her often that I hate my job and would also rather spend my time with the family, but somehow she must still believe, that my work is some kind of tropical vacation island...

I do not think you need to be worried and I think you are taking a really important step in your relationship.
Personally I do not know Tokyo and therefor I am sorry I cannot help you with advise but I can tell you that I am also searching for counseling.

My relationship is good, but I am the one who is not that good for my wife. I am really stubborn and I have a short temper and get angry easily. In order to prevent having a short temper I have made the decision also to go for counseling. At least I want to let you know that what you do is good and you do not need to feel down or feel different. Everyone has issues and only a view are seeing that action has to be taken.

Good luck

I'm a 70 year old grandmother. You sound like a considerate partner, who is looking for answers to your wife's possible hormone imbalance. I don't know if that is really the problem. The fact you get out of the house to work, and mix with adult company could be making her envious. Young children, whilst delightful, are very needy.
Do you have relatives, say a mother-in-law or sister-in-law who could come and babysit for a few hours once a month? Could you pay a reliable sitter for a few hours? You could take her out on a "date night". Doesn't need to be an expensive dinner, the movies, or a beer at the local pub, and a chance to just talk to each other, without children. Even if she is still breast feeding , she can express a bottle or two for the evening feeds. She may well say I'm too tired to go out, which she will be, but change is as good as a rest.

Maybe on a Sunday afternoon you can put the kids into a stroller or backpack and all go for a walk in the park or out for an hour or so. She's probably got cabin fever. Look the cleaning can wait for the next day! It gives you a chance to talk as two adults and listen to each other.

I laugh at your comment she wanted a lazy life. She chose to have two children, it will be while before she's able to enjoy that.

I have just looked in the Metropolis magazine, and there are two advertisements that might have the contacts you want.

TELL lifeline 03 5774 0992 (telljp.com)

Jhelp.com 0570-000-911 (www.jhelp.com)

Thanks for your advice.

Unfortunately, her parents are in Osaka, so we have no one we could ask for babysitting and she also don't trust a babysitter, which we don't know. For that reason I have already found a new company in Kansai, so we can move near to her parents as I know it is good for her and the children. But always when I say that I extra gave my job up in Tokyo for her and move to a new company, she is getting super angry and tell me that it would be all my fault and not hers. I also really don't know what she is complaining about, sometimes she complains that I am coming home late when I have to do overwork, although I do already much less than my coworkers and at my job in Kansai it will be much worse, because the company is expecting many overwork (paid, like most Japanese companies) and my commute time will be very long, so I will come home very late everyday. So everything I do is currently wrong.

Yesterday she complained again after I was using the vacuum cleaner because I didn't do in detail, but last week I did in detail and she complained that it takes too long. Also I offered her yesterday morning to cook for dinner, but she said no, because I take too long to cook and that evening when she cooked (while I cared for the children) she complained that she has to do everything...

I think you misread the comment about the lazy life, she said I (not her) want to have a lazy life, which is crazy considering that I don't have any time for television or other hobbies.

Glad you are taking such positive steps.

Having young children is really hard and being isolated is also very difficult. I understand your wife isn't okay with leaving the children with strangers (I was the same until our children could string a sentence together), but it does make it extra difficult to arrange some free time.

I hope you can find some support both from the family when you move and from a counsellor, unfortunately I can offer no practical assistance there.

So sorry I misread about the lazy!! Neither of you are, you certainly not, and she has kids, and so forget that throw away comment that she made.

Maybe just don't respond to her negative comments. Some are certainly inviting provocation. Try to just ignore them. You can't argue when someone doesn't argue back. Do you have a Mum and Dad? Maybe a private phone call to them to just have someone on your side to talk to, even if they aren't in the country. I do think a move to Kansai, even if you work longer hours might give her family support, and you won't have to be her only support person. Good Luck.

As Kersy suggested, TEL lifeline would be the good one for you to talk in English. I used to know one counsellor who worked at TELL.

Other suggestion�c
From what I read your situation, she may be lonely during the day and feels nobody understands her feeling (even you DO). It�fs not because you�fre lazy (you do a LOT of house work!!)
She needs someone to talk (guchi ‹ð’sin Japanese, vent in English?), not family member but other moms who are in the similar situation, just talk...
If she doesn�ft have anyone around her, I recommend using public services. Sometimes it�fs comfortable they�fre not your friends.
Is your house far from city hall or children center?
Most of the local governments offer childcare service (for free or small amount) such as Childcare support center(Žqˆç‚ÄŽx‰‡ƒZƒ“ƒ^�[) or Family Support Center.
There are facilities where parent(s) and child(ren) can go and just play or talk with other parent(s) during the day.
Family Support Center is a public babysitter service.
I myself is a working mother so I didn�ft use those services, but I know many moms who use those services so I thought it may be a good idea for her.
I hope your situation would be better soon.

I would contact your ward office to obtain information on counselling services. They don`t need to be in English to help, if your wife would agree to go on her own. But they might also know of English speakers. In addition - St. Luke�fs, the hospital will have English services (I think.)

While I read with some understanding based upon personal experience - many years ago now, I urge you to not let this fester, and to indeed seek out some help. You have a marriage and small children who could suffer, and you would never forgive yourself in that event. I do agree that if she had a close friend, with small children - thus experiencing some similar pressures, it might help.

And – getting out of the house on weekends may help, even though it can be difficult with small children. Maybe some time alone – a girl�fs night out once in a while with you staying home with the kids?

Thanks for all your advices they help a lot.

Dear unpopular,

I am together with my wife for already 10 years and married for 5 years. So I am sure I know the character of my wife enough to know that she can live with our differences and that�fs clearly not my wife which I see in the evenings.

By the way, I adapted also some Japanese behaviors like shower in the evening before and after enjoying a bath and who in his right mindset would sit on the bed with the clothes you wore the whole day. I would complain to my wife if she would do that, who knows who were sitting on the train already in your seat, especially in the summer, I can imagine that the seats are breeding paradises for bacteria.

Is it possible she is suffering from Postpartum Depression?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postpartum_depression

It is really hard having a baby and having two young children is even harder. If she has no support network outside of you it can be very lonely and isolating. It can be hard just taking two young children shopping together. It sounds like your two children are both under 3. If she is nursing, she might not be getting enough sleep which can really affect you, especially if on top of that she is also chasing around a toddler during the day. Does she have any friends with young children?

Good luck!

Dear rkold,

Yes, as I wrote in my thread I am already suspecting it could be postpartum depression and that�fs why I want to have someone else telling her that, because people with this condition don�ft recognize that it has something to do with them.

She has friends with small children, but not very near, so it�fs really hard to meet them. I agree that it would be good for her, so perhaps I will try to suggest it to her, but if I bring this up at the moment I am sure she gets that also the wrong way...

Do you have her friend's contact info? Perhaps you could discreetly call them/contact them and ask them to contact her.

I would also perhaps see if you can give her a Sunday off by herself or with her friends child free while you watch your children. 5 month olds can usually go a few hours without nursing. That way she wouldn't worry about who is watching the children since you would be watching them and she could have a little time for herself.

I agree with much of what @unpopular said (though not necessarily the conclusion that therapy might be useless and you should just quit now). As someone who has had relationships (yes, long-term just like yours) with Japanese men and has been unable to fill the correct gender role prescribed by Japanese society (I like working to make my own money, and absolutely never want children), a lot of what you described sounds oddly familiar. I have experienced it myself, and heard many foreign guys complain about it as well.

The other thing I might consider is, how good is the actual communication in your relationship? Ten years is a long time but I wonder if there are still
barriers given that:

1) Most Japanese, even �gEnglish speaking�h ones, can�ft use English to a level I would consider essential for maintaining a healthy relationship.
2) You apparently do not speak Japanese.
3) English seems to be a second language for you.

If I�fm not mistaken, your relationship is carried out primarily in a second language for both of you? It might be something to consider, or it might be nothing.

Regardless, I hope whatever course of action you decide upon works out for you.

Hi Liz,

Communication between us two is normally very good even after 10 years.
You are right in your assumption that English is my second language and that my wife is not speaking my first language. But her English is very good, so there have never been any communication problems due to that. My Japanese is at level N2 and I could even pass a completely Japanese interview for my new employer (I will only communicate there in Japanese). So while it is far from perfect, it is enough to communicate in an understandable way. I even spoke to my wife on Japanese before we had our first child, but since the birth we speak English at home, since we want to raise our children with 3 languages.

how sad to see that moderators removed my post. i didn't say anything offensive, just an unpopular opinion. please bring my post back. I can't believe this level of censorship. please mod, at least give an explanation.

@OP
I was not trying to attack you. i was just trying to let you see that relationships between foreigners and japanese are more complex than we think. the fact that you need to go to a counselor shows that your differences are beyond what is acceptable, even if you want to believe the contrary. knowing someone for 10 years is quite some time, but being married for 5 is not that much. now, if you think this is a temporary matter because of a hormonal imbalance, then maybe you should be going somewhere else and not with a counselor. anyway, i have absolutely no intention of hurting you. on the contrary, i understand what you're going through. therefore, this will be my last post to you. wish you the best.