Divorce - spouse visa - kids

Hi there,

My wife had a long running affair which I found out about earlier this year. I decided to try and work it out, and put it behind us so to not disrupt our kids. I recently found out about another affair she's been having, as well as finding out she has still been in contact with the previous affair partner. When I confronted her about them, she attacked me.

I'm not badly hurt, just a couple of bruises, but I've had enough. I work in Japan, and have 3 kids who are all half Japanese. I have proof of both her affairs, and photos of the bruises - I'm guessing these would go in my favour in any kind of divorce proceedings? She has also self harmed in the past as a way of manipulating me, and I'm guessing that would also go in my favour? Would I still be able to remain in Japan if we separated? Also, I'm on a spousal visa, but I would be eligible for permanent residency if I applied right now.

I'm not certain if I would want to remain in Japan if we divorced, but I would like to try for my kids, as they are quite settled here.

Kind regards,

Jam

Hello Jam,

Firstly, Sorry to hear about your story!

I have a similar story and mine took place 15 years ago here in Japan.

I have been an activist on the matter ever since and there are a lot of Foreigners who are in the same boat as you!

The most important thing is your Children and the Japanese Law in which it favors the mother even with evidence of adultery. My advice for now is research some of the forums and read some of the stories for ex: Kizuna CPR Japan or the same group in the states Bachome.org. These are just a few of the groups that might be able to give you some insight if you might need Lawyers advice and more importantly to not make any mistakes when divorcing.(all of the cases are after the divorce)

Without knowing too much about your current situation other than the wife has cheated...�c�c�c Do you have your children's passports for your country? This would be one thing you need before you were to divorce as Japan has signed the Hague Convention(Vague Convention) Not much has changed. The Japanese wife has been known to deny custody and Japanese Law sucks in these situations.

I tried to be amicable with my wife even after she had an affair and she took off with my kid. Now I'm able to see him only once a month. He is 15 years old now! His mother dictates his every move even after 7 times I tried to fight her in the courts.

I hope you will find some way to mend this situation and remember we all love our kids and I worry about the Japanese wife and the brain washing syndrome that often happens and has happened in my case! I wish you the best resolution to these unfortunate circumstances!

Cheers,
TJ

Sorry to hear of your situation.

If you have proof of her infidelity, based on that you should be able to go for divorce proceedings: either (1) discuss with her and agree on a divorce and the terms (and get the agreement on notarized document, then report the divorce to city hall), (2) engage in divorce arbitration, or (3) file for divorce (court proceedings), depending on whether she agree to it or not. You should be able to demand compensation as well. If you have been the one supporting the whole family, you are likely to be granted custody of your children too (note that there is no �gjoint custody�h under Japanese laws). (All this assumes that your marriage is based on Japanese law.)
For using photos of the injury as proof, I�fve read that you need to be sure photos include your face AND the bruise to be able to say it is you. Also possibly get a doctor�fs paper. I don�ft know what proof you might have of her self-harming.

I don�ft know how long you have been living in Japan on �gspouse of Japanese national�h resident status, but if it has been more than 3 years (and you have either the 3-year or 5-year valid resident status), you have a chance. But at the time of application, you�fd still need the cooperation of your spouse, in the sense of signing the letter of guarantee and obtaining some official papers needed such as tax statement and resident register, etc. We applied for and were granted the change from �gspouse�h to �gpermanent resident�h four years ago for my husband, and the documents required included my (=Japanese spouse) tax papers as well, as far as I remember.

If you divorce first, since you seem to have your life pretty much established and have children who grew up here, you might be able to apply for a change to �glong-term resident�h status on the ground that your children need you here with them to take care of them financially.

Also, I don�ft know if you are employed or self-employed, but is getting your employer to sponsor you with one of the work resident status an option?

If it gets to court proceedings, that �gcan�h take long, so you might want to take the expiry date of your current resident status into consideration. Talking to a lawyer would help. Best wishes.

Thanks for the replies.

I have their passports for both Japan and my home country (the UK). We have been in Japan for about 3 years, so my kids could move back to the UK, though it would take a while to adapt.

We've been married over 10 years.

I don't think she would take off with the kids, because she would probably see it as too difficult to manage by herself. She has a certain "lifestyle" she wants to live, and wouldn't want to give it up by doing everything for the kids.

I am employed by the city hall in my city here in Japan.

She has several large scars on her wrists, where she has self harmed. I don't know if that would be admissible if it went to court.

Kind regards,

Jam

Hi sorry to hear about your problem I have been going through the same situation as yours few months ago I see my wife talking to some one in phone at mid night I become mad and after few days I come to know she send gift to the person I become silent and after a week I check her phone she has plenty of photo exchanges with that person I lost my temperment I hit my wife and she take a pic of her face and hands for proof after that we fight on and off after a week she call to police we go to police station. And police give me warning ...ahh so painful it's is to be very honest ----any🤣 ways come to the point I have a friend he has been married to japanese female and female has an affair with another man he has alot of proofs pics etc etc but when he go to the court court give decision in favour of his wife because as we know here mostly law favour japanese people not the forigners..may b I m wrong but that's the truth which I heard from my friends that japanese law mostly support japanese not the forigners

I am sad to hear that. Such cases happened around me too. My friend was crying because he saw his wife exchanging mails with other guy and his wife was drinking alcohol with other Japanese guy. I am not saying all women are bad. As a foreigner, we cannot do anything even if you have proof against the wife. I dont know it may be normal thing if the wife meet other male friends causally in your absence.
let me share my experience. I used my wife`s computer for my work long back. I saw that my wife and 5 years kid with other Japanese man in the videos. The same man was in all videos. I was away from my family due to work for 1 year. It really hurt me and made me cry. My wife said sorry and she will not do again. She told that he is just office friend and nothing more than that. The I told I can trust. Now we are fine. I took the consultation from my Japanese friends and they suggested to tell the company owner. I told that I can tell about his act to the company owner, then it can bring the control. But anyway I dont want to do bad for him. The guy is almost 50 years old and did not married. I suggested my wife to tell him to get married with other lady and not target others wife. Such people may destroy the social manners in the society. One one hand we have good image about this culture and we respect it too and dont expect bad things from them too.

Guest 6 sorry to hear about your story you have such a good heart which can forget all the things and forgive ur wife you are awesome ❤️😘💗 as for me we are living together but most of the time I discuss with that problem and I think my wife lie to me she talk with other man and send him a gift and also exchange pics but she said it was his cousin and few weeks ago I see that person msg again in her phone as I say to my wife to not talk to that man but my wife lie to me she said it's not him even I m 100% sure it's him and yesterday me and my wife talk she said she need to focus on work now may b she get marry again if I leave her woow 5 kids mother will get marry again strange in the age of 45 hahahahahaha well hats off to the cheaters ......it's very difficult to live with cheaters and most of the time i cry to bcoz it hurts

I can understand john. Thanks for the complement. If she continues it,then its better to leave her on her own. The good manner women will never exchange flirt mails to other males. please try to be with her. When the females feel alone, they want to talk to someone from opposite sex. Its my observation. I know the behavior is hurting you. Now you talk about her remarriage, its not big deal for some women to marry again and again. The Japan law also stipulate that the couples should be faithful to each other. I am confused sometimes here.

To be honest, cheating is so common in Japan, most people just accept it.
I think at least when you married, you married for love right?
Most people don't even have that initial spark when they marry, and marriage is more of a business contract for kids, and both lead separate lives soon after.

@s
Don't generalize.