'‘Buying’' your fiance for marriage?

So I am engaged to an awesome Japanese girl. She is 26, I am 27. I am working in Japan. We will be getting married this year sometime. She mentioned to me that it is Japanese custom to ''purchase'' the girl from the parents. And also that there is no specific asking price, only an offering price.

So basically, I am supposed to offer the parents of the girl I am in love with a sum of money so that will approve our union??

If that's true, then what price does someone offer for a Priceless woman? i don't have enough money for what this person would be ''worth.''

There are a lot of Japanese customs that are different than what I'm used to and there is nothing wrong with differences. I won't even start to talk about whether I or you should agree with it. But the fact remains that she told me this is what to expect when I ask her parents to marry her.

So... Has anyone heard of such a thing?

And, what price would you offer for a person??? I am confused.

Thanks,
Adam

I personaly have never heard of this custom (not at least in modern times), certainly you would want to seek permission from the family, usually accomplished by asking them, of course you would want to do it in somesort of formal situation (restruant, dinner, whatever floats your boat) so that itself might cost money, however, I never heard of anyone, (that I know at least) needing to throw wads of cash to "purchase" the right to marry their daughter.

I am of Japanese Background and I don't think anyone actually pays to marry someone....
You just have to go to her parents and ask them for permission to "have her" I guess. In a lot of the Western Culture, it doesn't really matter which name you use. Some take their husbands name but some keep their maiden name after marriage. In Japan, you have to take one of the family names and carry it on to the next generation... Oh and if you do, I think your side of the family or you have to pay for the wedding and everything..... so it can be very expensive... GOOD LUCK!

I think this is the custom in some rural areas. I don't think it is really meant to be a purchase, but rather a form of politeness or compensation for the "loss" of their daughter. Hopefully, Uco will post with some more information and insight.

Sounds to me like she's trying to scam some money out of you for her parents.....Maybe you should rethink the whole marriage thing.

That is the first time I have heard of some kind of dowry requirement in Japan and when I asked my Japanese husband just now if he knows anyone who has paid a dowry his answer was "What?! No!!"

Possibly your girlfriend and/ or her parents are trying to test you to see if your intentions are sincere? This is not standard practice in Japan at all.

Maybe just an interpretation error/joke/misunderstanding, especially if english is not her first language.

I (Japanese, grew up in Tokyo & surrounding Kanto area mainly) have never heard of such a custom. In any case, "purchase" simply sounds wrong, maybe she did not know how to put it? There is a custom called "yuinou," where the two families exchange gifts as acknowledgement of the union of the two families, so to say, which can be expensive. Maybe she was referring to something of this sort (which can be quite elaborate depending on which area of Japan you are from), and did not quite put it correctly?

One example of description of "yuinou":

http://www.cis.doshisha.ac.jp/kkitao/library/student/00/cai/d302/nishimura.htm

I have heard of having to pay a dowry in some countries, Thailand is one.

Adam, keep your money & run!


I invited my Japanese in-laws to dinner so I/we could tell them that we're getting married, I couldn't even pay the bill. He insisted! on paying then thanked me for finely making an "honest woman" of his daughter ;)

Tilt wrote;
"Hopefully, Uco will post with some more information and insight."

It just sounds extremely disgusting, and all the possible interpretations have already been mentioned. I wouldn't even try to bring it up to the future in-laws if I were you, and any possible payment is usually equally exchanged between the two families.

My Japanese wife (from Iwate-ken) has heard about the 'yuinou' custom (which we skipped), but offering money sounds all wrong to her.

I think it is very important to talk to your fiancee at this time and ask her to explain exactly what is expected of you and instruct you how to deal with her parents so that they feel they have properly and respectfully been handled. For instance, my wife had written me a note in Japanese which I learned by heart to ask for her hand, promising to take care of her, etc. Her parents really appreciated that. The first thing your fiancee can do is to explain the habit she brought up a little further, preferably mentioning the Japanese name of that particular custom :-)

Yes, it sounds like she was talking about the custom of ''yuinou'' (formal engagement) as somebody mentioned already. Though, I must say, this custom is kind of old-fashioned and done more in old, traditional families, or maybe marriage that was a result of omiai (arranged marriage) but considering that you are a foreigner (right?), it would be a bit odd for her family to expect you to go through this custom. I mean, you will not only have to simply buy gifts, but it requires the whole spiel of calling a nakoudo (match maker) and your family.

I found out it is yuinou. From what you say about being traditional...Yes her family is very traditional even though they like foreigners. I'm not quite sure what to do but I feel better after knowing that it is yuinou. I still am not sure what I should do, but now I know that I misunderstood her explanation.

I will research this topic some more...Any suggestions?

Unusual or not..this is the way it is, so I must learn about it and try to do it. I think it is kinda cool even though I don't understand it completely.

thanks for the responses,
adam

Actually, she told me that the money exchange is supposed to be used to buy furniture and household items for the new marriage. She said because she is now living with her parents, her parents provide for her housing needs, but once she moves out, she will need furniture and household belongings. This is supposed to be the purpose of the gift exchange money.

That sounds a lot better to me! Its like prepaying for your house furnishings.

any comments?

thanks,
adam

"Yuinou" is a ceremony where both parents come together, exchange gifts in official acknowledgement of the engagement. "yuinou kin" (engagement money) is given by the groom-to-be's family to the bride-to-be family for her to get ready with the furniture to leave home. Depending on the region, 10% to 50% of the "yuinou kin" is given in return by the other family (at a later date). "Yomeiri dougu" (something like: bride-to-be furniture) or "yomeiri jitaku" (purchasing furniture and getting prepared for marriage, or to be precise, leaving home) sounds like what she is talking about.

But this really is very tradiitonal... It sounds a bit like she and her parents are trying to get you into the real "dream" traditional Japanese marriage process... Remember that "yuinou" is a process that takes place between two FAMILIES, not between the two PERSONS to be married.

I am assuming that your parents have not been involved in this whole process yet? If I were you, I would talk to her and say that (though of course you respect her parents' wishes and bacground) since you are not Japanese (and neither are your parents) you would like to discuss and agree on good marriage ceremony and proceedings, but not follow the whole Japanese custom without you understanding... This might have implications later on who will arrange for and pay for the wedding ceremony and all that, so find a way that's comfortable for you too...

(From a Japanese woman who skipped all that traditional stuff :))

Adam, your last 2 posts really make sense to me, and it is in fact commonly practiced, sometimes without even realising it.

For example, a lot of families even in the cities still do a very proper engagement ceremony with all the works (yuinou). On the other hand, a lot of families just get together for a nice simple lunch, maybe introduce themselves and exchange an engagement ring with a watch or something.

As for money, a lot of couples split the ''fee'' and for example let the bride groom('s family) pay for the house while the bride('s family) pay for the furniture.

The ''procedure'' however differs from family to family. Basically, it is discussed between the two families and do whatever seems to fit them best.

So as you may already have done, I suggest you ask her parents what you should do since you're not ''familiar with the custom''. There are also shops and services that can arrange everything for you, and I'm sure her parents know everything about it.

...''Buying,'' for goodness sake.

(From a Japanese woman who skipped the sea weeds and lobster but did end up exchanging a lot of practical stuff for our future everyday life.)

There IS NO SUCH CUSTOM...its not hidden, its not only done in a certain part of japan. This cute, innocent looking girl who has put your head in a spin is taking you for a ride. FYI, the hype of all japanese being honorable, honest and always polite is NOT TRUE. The Japanese have the same kinds of people as any other culture has...

My Osaka girlfriend also is requiring this style of yuinou from me. Apparently you present a large sum of money to the family as a ceremonial gift which they give back you (and your new wife). The purpose is to prove that you have money to support you the new family you plan to begin. There family is serious about it and the going price sounds to be about 50 grand.

used to. in the chinese custom. but how long ago that is, i am not sure. haha.

AK, it sounds like my country's custom too...

I believe it is not "buying" but rather a kind of dowry.
Many of my friends' family practice that so I'm not surprised when I saw this question posted.
And one of my friend who got married few years back, her mom asked for S$10K (abt USD$6,500) but I dunno how much the bride's family returned.