Paying for meals, coffee...

As I mentioned in another thread its possible I might meet one or two penpals in Japan in a few months, assuming we meet at a coffee bar or restraunt, who should pay? Obviously I would feel happiest paying myself, but wouldnt mind splitting the bill.

But I would feel unhappy if they alone paid...this happened to me when I was invited to a restraunt while I was in Japan last time, at the begining of the meal, I asked if I could pay, they refused, then I said, perhaps we could go dutch, they agreed...but when it came me to paying they refused any contribution fro me. I tried to politely insist, but they wouldnt hear of it. It is such a minefield, how to makeva sincere effort to pay as much as possible without causing offence. Sadly, I think I did offended them a little, which Ive regreted ever since. Obviously I want to avoid a repeat. Advice for steering a safe polite course?

Dave,

I split the bill when I met my penpals, but if they insist on paying, why not let them? Then you can meet them again so that you can pay back for them. Or just send them a souvenior later.

But basically, the older person, the male, or the person at home ground often pays. Since you're a male, just think that they paid because they're at home ground, and promise you'll pay when they come to your country.

Have fun!

Uco, one more question. I have a friend, girl, a college student, we sometimes go out. I know that she's not having much money, an she financed from her parent back at rural area. Being male, financially relative sufficient and like to go with her as often as we can, I never mind pay our bills, but looks she's uneasy with this.
Is it really common male pays girls' bill in Japan? I didn't see that on her, but maybe it's her personality? I have no idea.

There could be many reasons. If you are visiting Japan she could feel that you are the guest and it would be rude to make you pay.

Additonally another item is that it is common place for Japanese people to split the bill.

If you are not dating then it might be sending mixed signals sometimes as well. Depends on the situation.

She knows I get income here, but as student it's difficult for her to go to nice expensive places which sometimes I want. I feel even train fares for our going out is outside of her budget plan.
For the relationship we still loose and seeing possibilities.

Only she knows the real answer. But as a person who has been doing Japanese woman for 45 years, I can think of the following reasons.

1. She is just trying to look modest. It is polite and common for the Japanese to try to look hesitant about offers from other people.

2. She is truly modest. She doesn't think it's right for young students to be accepting valuable meals and such.

3. She feels a bit like she's pitied on and doesn't feel comfortable.

4. She is mature enough to know that when men pay for you, they often expect things in return, in particular sexual things.

I think that all four reasons are equally possible or of course it can be something completely different. You should talk to her if you're seeing her so much.

Thanks Uco. Very universal to me.

Japanese people like to split bills among friends. If you want to bring them a present or gift from you country then that's a good way to show friendship.

I'm a boy, but I'm gay so usually I'm in a similar situation.
When I insist on paying my own bills is
1 When I want to keep a longterm relation
2 "Don'cha ever think I'm going to ur hotel tonight!"