uninvited guest

I'm new of this site.
We live in Europa with my japanese wife for 7 years.We have a 5 years old daughter.Me and my wife both are working.We have a good marriage life even have problems sometimes which can be happen in every marriage.
Well,my story is recently happened and makes me feel unconfortable.
4 years ago I went to Japan to spend Xmas time there while my wife and daugter was there for 2 months for holiday.During Xmas eve' we had drunk some sake with my father in law and than we went to a bar with my wife and sister in law.I had drunk alot beer there and was little drunk.At the bar we had little chatting with the owner of the bar and you know "just to say" I said him always welcome to my country.
well,in this August,my sister in law(she and bar guy is friend now)told my wife that the bar guy will visit my country and if he can stay with us for a while.My wife told me this and asked that any problem for me.I said I even don't remember his face and said that not so willing to accept his staying with us.Also my wife was not so willing to this too.
My wife explained to her sister that we don't want to.But her sister is insisted on us for him to accept him staing with us for a week.So again my wife was asked me about this I repeated that I don't want to but finally I had accepted.(if it is one day or two day it is not problem but one week is long--Later you will see he stayed much longer than a week).
Anyway he came and stayed 2 weekd with us.He is a very polite and good guy.He helps cooking,washing,house works,pick up our dauhter from the school while we are working.My wife seems so happy with his visit.But I feel unconfortable sometimes because I and my wife don't know about him.Before we spent only 2 hours with him in his bar.I even can not move freely inside my house.So it makes me feel uncomfrtable a guy staying with us who I don't know.
I can not have much conversation with him because his English is so poor and my japanese is so poor also.My wife tries to translate between us.
Sometimes I sleep around 12 midnight.My wife and this guy is chatting in the balcony long hours until 2.30am. with drinking beer.
Now he is still in my country.He went to travelling around my country and will come back soon.While he was travveling I had to go Italy for 4 days for my busines.I told my wife that I don't want him to stay in our house while I'm abroad.She said to me that he will back when I back from Italy.
Well,I'd like to know;
*ýs this normalin Japan,a guy you don't know come and stay in you home quite long time.
*For my sister in law;is it normal for japanese to insist like this in such situvation.
*In japan is it normal to not know certain return date(I don't know when he will back to japan-my wife inform me not so clear).Several years ago my parents visited us and we had argument with my wife because I didn't know their return date.She said this is so rude in Japan if you don2t know the return date of a guest.)
*Is it normal in Japan,a married woman drinking and chatting in the balcony with this guy for long ours while I'm sleeping inside and all the doors she closed)
*Is it rude that I said to my wife that I don't want him to stay in my house while I'm away.
I'm not suspecting about any cheating on me but feely really unconfortable.Am I worring too unnecessarly?
He will come back to our home tomorrow.Stay for few days and go again travelling around the country again.
The problem is,We have a fest soon and we will go to visit my parents for 4 days.But my wife will not come because of her job.So only me and my daugter will go.I again don't want this guy to stay in my house while I'm not at home and my wife said that he will be in travelling.But I'm still feel uncomfortable.
Can you please share your thought about my above story...

No, this situation is not normal in Japan. I would never let anyone I don't know well stay in my house when there is a 5 year old child to concern about in the first place. It was rude for your sister-in-law not to take no as a no.

I suggest you to talk about it with your wife one more time without being emotional. It might be possible she only needs a little help here and there. (Do you help her around the house, by the way?) I hope she will respect how you feel and you two will come to an agreement.

P.S. The thing about your parents, I think she was in the same place as you are now. Next time, you might want to insist your parents to have a clear schedule because your life is hectic.

*ýs this normalin Japan,a guy you don't know come and stay in you home quite long time.

No, but in any country there are people who try to take advantage of people who have houses overseas.

*For my sister in law;is it normal for japanese to insist like this in such situvation.

No, but in any country there are curious people.

*In japan is it normal to not know certain return date(I don't know when he will back to japan-my wife inform me not so clear).

Well, as another poster mentioned, if the guest is someone you vaguely know, it is normal not to accept them unless you know when they're going back.

* Several years ago my parents visited us and we had argument with my wife because I didn't know their return date. She said this is so rude in Japan if you don2t know the return date of a guest.)

I don't think it's rude if they are family. However, "in-laws" are usually not welcome, you know :)

*Is it normal in Japan,a married woman drinking and chatting in the balcony with this guy for long ours while I'm sleeping inside and all the doors she closed)

Like in any country, in Japan, the one who went to bed would probably say, "This is not normal!" and the one who was left with the guest would probably say, "Well, what was I supposed to do?!"

*Is it rude that I said to my wife that I don't want him to stay in my house while I'm away.

Not really, but if you were the one who wanted him out, you should have said so to him yourself. I thought that was universal.

When someone I barely know says he wants to stay at my house because of a drunk offer I had made but I don't really want him to, I just say, "I'd love you to stay, but I'm afraid things have changed and my house is not available for guests any more. Can I recommend you a hotel?" and if the guy had already started staying, I'd say, "Hey buddy, I'm really sorry but you need to find a place elsewhere to stay."

Anyway, you guys look like you're just trying to blame it on someone else that you can't say "no" to this guy. One movie you shouldn't see right now is the American thriller "Pacific Heights."

would never accept any guys to live in my app for free two weeks, but girls are welcome (don't get me wrong:)

There is absolutly no way I would allow someone into my house that I barely knew, especially if the only time I had met them was when I was drunk.
If I were you I'd just tell the guy that he must find somewhere else to stay for his remainder of the time in your country

dear everybody,thanks to all of you.
I take all of your advices and ideas serious.
In fact,I'm aware that my wife's situvation is not easy.She is working and taking care of our child and house works etc.I really try to help her or share some homeworks.I do like, washing,helping our daugter's things,ironing etc.I know I'm just not good at cooking and I can not cook myself.(not like cooking).So I can not help her in cooking case.The other everywork I try to be helpful.But as you know man can not do much as women do about homeworks.Even man do their best but women not still satisfy.(not bad meaning for womens).Simple they are more detailist about home things.
Well,the guy is coming today.In fact I can not tell his face directly.I wish my wife or sister in law would tell him.
What shall I do is,I will treat him cold and not friendly tonight which I didn't do before for not to be rude.
So maybe he can understand and realise himself.
But this story happened recenly made me really little shock for some of my good thoughts for japanese I had before.

First off don't let this one guy change your opinion of all Japanese people, like someone said before there are people like him no matter what country you're talking about (that is people who really take advantage).
When he arrives tonight just tell him he can stay tonight but tomorrow he must find other accomodation as you feel that he is really taking to much advantage of your kindness, maybe find some cheap hostels so you can give him a list of places when he arrives. If you're not comfortable with him staying with you then don't let him stay, he's not friend and he's not family and this is your house

Well, to tell you the truth, the bar guy doesn't seem to be such a bad person. I'm sure that from his point of view, he is thinking, "How kind this family is to accept me. They are always friendly, so I suppose they really don't mind me staying here. I am trying my best to compensate by helping around the house, and I try to take side trips so that they won't be too stressed. I guess I can stay here until they start having other plans."

And there are indeed a lot of people in the world who don't mind guests staying over for weeks. If you're not that kind of a person, I think you just have to express that. But if I were you I would start by saying, "So when do you plan to leave?" or "Hey, have you thought about renting a room for yourself?" rather than to treat him cold. I myself have suddenly been treated cold from a person whom I thought was my friend. He was always nice to me, so it never occured to me that he minded my presence. He should have just said so to me before he started treating me in that aweful way. It broke my heart.

Thanks to everybody for commenttation.
In fact,the most we should blame ourself.First is my sister in law.She shouldn't have insisted.She should understood no as no.Secondly my wife didn't resist much to her sister and welcomed him well and maybe indirectly comforted him that he can stay longer(no sure because can not understand japanese).And thirdly myself.I didn't have a sharp reaction that we can not accept him to my wife.I can not comminicate to my sister in law because she doesn't know English.
But on the other hand,this guy is 35 years old.I guess it is the age that should imagine it is not good idea to stay a married peoples home this long.I'm also 35 years old.At least I even wouldn't ask anyone to such situvation.If it was single house it is ok.But married couples house with a child..Not so sense...

I understand your situation. It is hard (and sticky!), but as someone above said, don't let this guy change your opinion of Japanese in general. There are far more sensitive and sensible people than rude ones. Only the latter stand out.

Your plan of dropping hints might work, but many who have the nerve to stay with a family for 2 weeks, whom he met only once over a drink, are not good at getting it. I think it is better to tell him exactly how you feel. It doesn't matter if he understands your language. Facial expressions and the tone of your voice can make more sense to a person who choses not to listen what he doesn't want to hear. Sometimes you have to be a bad guy, if you don't want to be taken advantage of.

Good for you for doing your part of housework. (Perhaps you could ask your wife if she would like to have a baby sitter once in a while just to give her a break?)

Good luck and, remember, you can always come here to vent!

Yes, it is extremely incinsiderate of his part to saty in a household with a young child. BUT it is not his but the parents' job to satnd up for their child and be protective. Although it seems like he doesn't have a bad intention, he should know fish and guests stink in 3 days.

There are many reasons why he should not be staying at your house. Either this guy is an idiot or your wife is giving him different signals drinking late at night. I was thinking this was an old man but if your wite and this guy are around the same age its not good. You have a small child in the house! Its time to get a back bone and tell this guy to find a hotel. Leting this guy stay at your house while you are away. How can you even consider it?

Fýnally we had big argument with my wife.
Yesterday I told my wife that to explain him to not stay in our house anymore,because I really feel uncomfortable.Also since last night I try to behave him not friendly.
I preffered my wife explain him because of language problem between us. Also thought that a japanese person can esplain to another japanese person in a better way than a nonjapanese person for mentally.
I was expecting my wife undertsand the situvation and maybe a small apologise to me...
But she started arguing and blaming me.What she says is:
1-Why you exaggerating the situvation so much..He is a good guy.
2- years ago I went to another city for my business.And I had stayed in my close girlfrend's single house(normal friend) for one night.Now my wife compares that situvation to present(this guy's situvation).She was my close friend and she was single..Also at that time my wife and my this girlfriend was also good friend and lots of nice memory together.Still good friend.
3-My wife says,he is a not stranger for us anymore.She says we know him now...
4-She says she is so busy for work and and pick up our baby and cooking.So he helps us...
5-She says that he is cooking and helping us and get on well with our baby.She says I'm so rude as I'm treat him cold...She says that he can feel everything..(I hope so)
6-She always says that I'm so selfish and not help at all.(I really try to help and helping..but not much as so do homeworks.She never satisfy of my homeworks.What I'm doing is; washing up and drying,ironing,our doughters things,sometimes cleaning,hang on clothes and hang off,shopping,dougters bath and sleep with her..extc.
7-She says people gets babysitter.says that this situvation is not so different..(but our baby go to kindergarden already for 2 years from morning until 6pm.Morning I take her to school and 6.15pm my wife pick her up from the school and her office is just 5 minutes walk away to school and also to home)
8-she says she can not tell him to go because a week later he will leave and she doesn't want to send him off badly to Japan.(this is good think.But I often go to abroad(2-3 times in a year) and I remeber she send me off with argument many times...She can be thougtful about a starngers feelings but not that much sensitive about her husbands feeling when I go away for 1-2 weeks.It is really hard going travelling after fight with ur wife.)

Dear everybody,sorry for writing a long story with details.
The above things my wife blamed me and I answered as above.One day I will print out all this comments and put in front of.Because she always listen other people's advices more than mine.So I would like to show her your comments one day.
please help me for this hard situvation.I'm really pissed off...I need your comments to find who is right who is wrong...

The one of the most annoying thing is;
Even my wife knew that I didn't want a stranger come and stay in our house,she wanted him that he can stay longer if he wanted to...This is really annoying...I was really angry when I knew this and told my wife about my annoying and disappointment..
But I know she doesn't listen me and just keep continou blaming me for different things....She is never wrong..Always I'm wrong.....

I am sorry this is happening to you both. For now, the first thing you need to do is to take a deep breath and realize it is not about this Japanese guy. Your wife obviously has been keeping these emotions and frustrations, and this needs to be recognized. You know, it is not about who is right and who is wrong. Pointing fingers at each other never slove anything. I don't know how long this guy will stay with you this time, but for the sake of your marriage and kid, you two really need to cool down. Sit down and talk about how you can slove it for the future. You could write down the rules when a guest stays with you. Please try to LISTEN to each other, rather than trying to prove how right you are. This Japanese guy is not important here but your family is. Also please consider a round of marriage counseling. There are several underlying problems and you can face and solve them better when there is a third person. It will help you greatly.

Good luck.

Thanks for the commentations.
Well,I really expecting more comments from all of you about few matters I have posted before.
Today the guy is leaving to go another cities.Me and my doughter also going to visit my parents in another city for the fest for 4 days.We will leave tomorrow.But my wife is not coming because of her job.
Now,we don't communicate with my wife at all.I will keep silence until this guy leave to go Japan.After he leaves I'll talk to my wife with calm.
So please send me your comments.Because we are inside this problem and it makes us blind sometimes.You are not inside this problem so you have view from outside and it sometimes better to judge everything more clear.
Also,sorry for generalation of this event for all Japanese.This is not right.I shouldn't have said that.

Otc, you nailed it yourself. I think you are inside this problem and it is making you guys blind.

I think that almost all the necessary information and comments have been given to this thread. All you have to do is to take your time, calm down, and you'll probably figure it all out by yourselves.

The reason your wife is not communicating with you is probably because you're not in the mood to listen and neither is she, and she knows it. Good luck.

I can see how it happened, but really, giving a silent treatment to each other is like rubbing salt into would. I think your visit to your parents with your daughter will give you and your wife a time to think about what has been going on. I suggest you to make a big effort now to tell/call her to say that you really want to work out the difference between you when you come back, because you love her. She might not respond the way you would like her to, but you know YOU are heading to the right direction and YOU are making efforts. That IS important.

Good luck.

Please do not tell your parents about the problems you two are having.

I really think you need to be a man and tell this guy yourself he is no longer welcome. Even if you can`t communicate well in any language i`m sure you can think of a reasonable way to let him understand hes not welcome. Don`t rely on your wife or anyone else, its up to you to step up and be a man.