can we marry after her mother died?

my japanese girl friend and i are planning to get married but her mother died on my birthday, we have heard that we can not get married for 1 year but that it was a way that we could we just couldn't have a celebration, can anyone clear this up for me please.

This is a personal issue rather than a law. So, ask the persons concerned, i.e. your future wife and her close relatives. If they mind, wait a year. Otherwise, go ahead with your wedding.

There might be regional differences and how the family copes differs. As Uji said ask your girlfriend and her relatives. Please keep in mind, if you want to have a good relationship with her family/relatives, this is not the time to push the issue.

Let's put it this way.

Customs are practical than you'd think. When a close one dies, you don't feel like doing anything happy or flashy or new. If the custom says you are to be restricted from those happy and flashy and new things, that would be a good excuse for your not doing them.

On the other hand, there are those who'd do happy and flashy things saying, "Because the guy in heaven used to like partying." For example, the late rock musician Kiyoshiro Imawano's funeral was done within an even happier tone than Michael Jackson's.

As for weddings, practically it's very tiring having to cancel all the wedding banquettes and invitation cards, so a lot of people would proceed with the celebration if it had already been booked. But then, a bride would dream of having everything right.

I'd say let the girl decide. It's her mother. Maybe she doesn't feel like doing anything new yet. Maybe she doesn't feel it's right. If there are relatives saying she should wait, then maybe she'd like to wait until she can be blessed by everyone.

When was this anyway? And what has your birthday got to do with it? If it was less than a month ago, surely she wouldn't want to think about marriage procedures or any other complicated stuff at the moment. Why the rush anyway? Marriage is a life time thing. You can wait another 1/60 year.

the reason i said my birthday is because i don't think i will be able to celebrate my birthday with her, because of that.

That sucks. Your birthday will be the anniversary of her moms death every year.

If the plans include her, and not your friends instead then just celebrate your birthday a week early or a week late every year.

I dont know. death is inevitably.. I dont know how shed feel about a mom who died after several years on your birthday.

It sucks to have your future in-law die on your birthday?? If the OP agrees, I feel sorry for the girlfriend. At least his birthday will always be remembered as well as the day the mother went to heaven.

Uco, you took the words out of my mouth.

knobby87,

Regarding a wedding. Your girlfriend should decide when to have the wedding. You support her choice. She just lost her mother.

Regarding your birthday:

I see it as an opportunity!

You could choose to honor her mothers passing.

If it is possible to go to the grave every year, then you go with your lady and honor her mother. If going to the grave is not possible, then encourage your wife place a Butsudan at home and honor her there. This way you can still plan to celebrate your birthday afterward.

You can also choose a new birthday! Pick a day of the year that you like and tell your future wife that you will celebrate your birthday on that day and reserve the actual day for your mother-in-law.

I think that if your lady was close to her mom, you will gain a lot of points with her.

Good Luck

I think Uco might be misunderstanding something here. The OP is worried because birthdays are normally a happy time to be spending with people and it's going to be dampened by the fact that his girlfriend's probably going to be very sad every year while he's feeling the exact opposite. I'd say this is a situation that sucks if there ever was a situation that could suck!

I agree with the above poster, move your bday celebration to a new day like a few weeks before or after your real one and that should help things a bit.

Winterwolf, that was my understanding. But I agree with Tenshinyc, too.

I think no etiquette is needed to understand that what matters in such a situation is just how your girlfriend and her family feel. This is what you have to respect and must be your absolute priority, and I think this is the same anywhere in the world.
OP, I have the disagreable sensation you are too self-centered in this situation... "my" wedding, "my" birthday... Try to feel what your girlfriend is feeling, and be close to her in this difficult moment.
In particular, the birthday point seems so childish to me... Your worry is so much out of proportion compared to what happened to your girlfriend and her family!

i understand and thank you all for your answers but i think its gotten off topic. yes my birthday is important to me so i have considered moving it to another day, an i do take into consideration her and her families feelings. and i think i would be a great thing to honor her mother on that day. i don't feel i am being self centered, being concerned about how we both will feel every year for my birthday. im use to being alone on that day anyways. And the wedding part was a question from both of us, she has asked her co workers and friends. and it turns out that is wasn't a law or custom. we just have to see how the family would feel if we were to get married this year. once again i am very thankful for the timely manner and answers from all of you.