Was my experience typical?

I have a feeling my experience with my host (Lefty) and her younger daughter (Mimi) was not very typical.

I gave a tin of Anxi Oolong tea leaves to Lefty. Shortly after receiving the gift, Lefty asked me whether I wanted her to open the gift now or later. I replied "Nan demo ii desu" (I wanted to say "it's up to you" but I totally forgot how to say it). While I was alone in the guest room unpacking my things, Lefty unwrapped the gift given to her (in the privacy of her bedroom i think?). Shortly after, she called me & Mimi to join her at her dining table to drink tea. She thanked me profusely for giving such a thoughtful gift. I replied "Tsumaranai mono desu ga, kokoro bakari desuga" (which I have already said at the time I gave her the gift as I didn't know what else to say). The table was set with my tea leaves and her tea leaves. She started the tea session with my tea leaves. After taking only one sip of the Anxi oolong tea, Lefty & Mimi commented on how great the tea tasted. After finding out that Lefty speaks English good enough for a basic conversation, I stopped speaking Japanese to her. For a good half hour or so, Lefty talked about Cha No Aji, asked me questions about the types of tea I drink & my tea leaves picking experience in rural China. I totally didn't expect she would be so interested. Is it common for Japanese to be this interested in tea?

After that Lefty let me taste Japanese oolong tea. Following her behaviour, I commented how great her tea tasted after one sip. After Lefty explained about tea leaves in Japan, we talked about our experiences living in usa in the past (apparantly Lefty has lived in usa for a short while!), shopping, food, etc. Lefty & Mimi enlightened me about Japan. These 2 women made me feel very welcome.


The things I didn't expect:

*I didn't expect that Lefty would ask me whether I wanted her to open the gift or save it for later. Is it common for a Japanese person to ask this question?

*Lefty asked my age by inquiring whether I was 22. A few Japanese posters have mentioned that age is something that one shouldn't ask a woman. I guess she doesn't consider 22 to be a real woman.



Situations where I was doubtful what to do:

*They offered me to take a bath at 6pm. I just went ahead as I didn't want to be inconsiderate. I usually take a bath/shower around midnight & I am guessing it might be rude to take a bath at that time?
During the summer, I typically take 2 baths/day. It doesn't seem like the norm in Japan so I just took 1 bath/day.

*After a meal, should I help my host with the dishes? I offered to help but Lefty insisted to leave everything to her.

*If I am able to finish the food served to me, should I actually clear the plates/bowls or should I purposely have some left-overs?

*I didn't expect that Lefty would ask me whether I wanted her to open the gift or save it for later. Is it common for a Japanese person to ask this question?

Yes, very common. Your reply "nan de mo ii desu" is actually more like "whatever", so maybe not ideal- "douzo, akete kudasai"- (please go ahead and open it) is probably the best answer here.

*Lefty asked my age by inquiring whether I was 22. A few Japanese posters have mentioned that age is something that one shouldn't ask a woman. I guess she doesn't consider 22 to be a real woman.

Of course she considers you to be a woman. Don't get too hung up on "the rules"- not everybody follows all social conventions strictly, in Japan as elsewhere.

Be careful of things you hear from "a few posters" on the internet (including me!)- it may not be the truth, or it may not apply in all situations. There is a lot of misinformation on the internet.

You are young, so she didn't think it was a rude question, and I don't think so either. Women close to 40 and over might not like that question- for younger people it isn't usually an issue- would you mind if someone in your own country asked you your age?

Situations where I was doubtful what to do:

*They offered me to take a bath at 6pm. I just went ahead as I didn't want to be inconsiderate. I usually take a bath/shower around midnight & I am guessing it might be rude to take a bath at that time?

Yes, it would be inconsiderate, because she would have to wait for you and clean the bath afterwards- she wouldn't be happy with you, her guest, doing the cleaning. Also the rest of the family might have been in bed at that time. When staying in someone else's house, it's best to follow their timing with things like that.

*During the summer, I typically take 2 baths/day. It doesn't seem like the norm in Japan so I just took 1 bath/day.

Actually many people in Japan take a quick shower in the morning as well as a bath at night in summer. Having two *baths* a day would be a bit odd, and also be seen as a waste of water. Had you asked if you could have a quick shower I am sure it would have been fine.

*After a meal, should I help my host with the dishes? I offered to help but Lefty insisted to leave everything to her.

It's polite to offer, and the offer would almost always be refused, so that's quite normal.

*If I am able to finish the food served to me, should I actually clear the plates/bowls or should I purposely have some left-overs?

No, you shouldn't leave leftovers- eat everything you are served if you can manage to.

By the way, why "Lefty"? Not the nicest nickname, for a woman especially.

The whole tea discussion sounds like breaking the ice to me. You have to speak about **something** in order to become more relaxed with each other, and since the tea gift was obviously something between you - it sounds reasonable to me to start talking about it (out of slight nervousness with a new person).

I've had the utmost weirdest "first conversations" with Japanese over the years - I don't analyse it though.

And I agree totally with Sira, phrases like "nan demo ii" while translating more or less acceptable into English - often have various nuances in Japanese. You could have been yelling "I don't f'ing care, do whatever you want!!!" (which I know you wouldn't have meant). As a Japanese language learner, you are NOT expected to understand these things. There will be misunderstandings etc, take it on the chin, smile and move on. All cultures have cross-cultural misunderstandings!!

On the bath issue, if it was a communal family bath and all the family (and you) were bathing in the same water - out of RESPECT for you they would offer you the cleanest, hottest water, before the rest of the family followed you - hence the early time.

And I agree totally with Sira, phrases like "nan demo ii" while translating more or less acceptable into English - often have various nuances in Japanese.

I know "nan demo ii desu" didn't feel right but I was out of words.

On the bath issue, if it was a communal family bath and all the family (and you) were bathing in the same water - out of RESPECT for you they would offer you the cleanest, hottest water, before the rest of the family followed you - hence the early time.

I was surprised that they bathe in hot water during the hottest month of the year. Preferring cold baths/showers during the summer, I stayed in the hot bath for no longer than a few minutes.

would you mind if someone in your own country asked you your age?

I don't mind people asking my age unless that person is interviewing me for a job. I will turn 22 this year. I was in a dilemma deciding whether to answer 21 (gregorian age), 22 (birth yr age disregarding month) or 23 (lunar age) on a job interview.

By the way, why "Lefty"?

Most suitable nickname I could think of.

would you mind if someone in your own country asked you your age?

I don't mind people asking my age unless that person is interviewing me for a job. I will turn 22 this year. I was in a dilemma deciding whether to answer 21 (gregorian age), 22 (birth yr age disregarding month) or 23 (lunar age) on a job interview.

Asking your age is a common ice breaker question especially from someone who is obviously your senior. Actually you seemed to have missed a golden opportunity to discuss how old you are and how there are different systems of measuring your age in your culture. For example, I'm not positive I understand what you mean by 22 (birth yr age disregarding month). Does that mean you will turn 22 in 2009 so you can consider yourself 22?

As an expat who spoke no Japanese when I 1st arrived in Japan I stuck my foot in it so many times. Although there is more appropiate phrases that could have been used in Japanese, I think that the your homestay family wouldn't have taken too much offense to what you said particularly if your tone of voice and facial expressions were nice and friendly. You said that your homestay famliy spoke some English and had lived in the states before so if there was any trans-cultural barriers hopefully their knowledge of your culture would have made up the differnces or the gaps. Dont stress too much about it.

Your age conversation was totally fine... unless that is it made you feel embarassed/uncomfortable. Many of my Japanese friends/families would ask me about my age but I do agree with the previous posters that I probably wouldnt ask someone their age (male or female, Japanese, American, Aussie, etc) that was obviously very much my senior. I dont think that too many Japanese would take offense to it either if you were to ask out of general conversation particularly if you were trying to make friends with someone or find out more about that person. I guess it would be the context of the conversation that would make it offensive or not.

I know that whenever I give chocolates, etc from Australia the Japanese are always keen to open it in my presence and share with me to show their appreciation.

As for the bath....unless they knew that you prefered to bathe at midnight then they were trying to be polite and offer it to you before they used the room. I do agree that with the previous posts as well that when you are sharing with other people or a guest somewhere then it wouldnt be overly polite for you to use it at that time of nite (particularly if they were going to wait up for you to finish and then go to bed!)

Offering to help with the dishes...... As a mother of 3 - I would give anything to have a nite off from the pile that we aquire during dinner so you can come wash mine if your really keen to wash some dishes! LOL :-)

I reckon that your experience was pretty typical. I hope you had a good time in Japan.

Jenny after reading some of your posts I can only say this: You really need to relax. You seem so wound up and focused on micromanaging every aspect of your visit that you're probably missing out on the fun.

RELAX! And go have some fun. Quit worrying about whether being offered a bath at 6pm is violating some ancient Japanese rule. Japanese people are normal people. They'll have a bath and offer their guests a bath whenever they want!

Asking your age is a common ice breaker question especially from someone who is obviously your senior. Actually you seemed to have missed a golden opportunity to discuss how old you are and how there are different systems of measuring your age in your culture. For example, I'm not positive I understand what you mean by 22 (birth yr age disregarding month). Does that mean you will turn 22 in 2009 so you can consider yourself 22?

Yes, under that method one who was born in 1987 would always be considered 22 in 2009 no matter when their birthday falls. When she asked me whether I was 22, I just said ''yes, this year''. I think she's familiar with that method.

I think that the your homestay family wouldn't have taken too much offense to what you said particularly if your tone of voice and facial expressions were nice and friendly. You said that your homestay famliy spoke some English and had lived in the states before so if there was any trans-cultural barriers hopefully their knowledge of your culture would have made up the differnces or the gaps.

I hope so :) My host lived in usa for 2 yrs back in the 50s.

Quit worrying about whether being offered a bath at 6pm is violating some ancient Japanese rule.

Their house was very organized and spotless so I felt that their daily life is very organized too. Didn't wanna mess up their schedules. I know I should have relaxed :) & I did relax when I lived at a friend's place in Kyoto.

With the birthday thing, again you are overthinking the situation. Japanese people in the 21st century will always tell you their age based on the same system we use- i.e. how many years old they were on their last birthday.

I doubt very much that my husband could even tell you what other systems could be used and how old he would be according to them.

Just be yourself when you travel! Don't turn every single comment and action into a source of stress...

Yes, under that method one who was born in 1987 would always be considered 22 in 2009 no matter when their birthday falls. When she asked me whether I was 22, I just said ''yes, this year''. I think she's familiar with that method.

Interesting, and you mentioned that this method is used in job applications? So someone born January 1 and someone born the same year December 31st would be considered the same age even though they are 364 days apart? Interesting. What countries use this? You didn't mention where you're from btw.

Interesting, and you mentioned that this method is used in job applications? So someone born January 1 and someone born the same year December 31st would be considered the same age even though they are 364 days apart? Interesting. What countries use this? You didn't mention where you're from btw.

By the lunar calendar, a person born in Feb '87 and Jan '88 could be 364 days apart but have the same lunar age year round too (both considered 23 now).

The birth year age is based on the same concept using regular calendar years. So I personally find it to be more straight-forward than the lunar age.

I was raised in Indonesia & usa, but currently in China. The birth year age is the most commonly used method (both casually & formally) in China cities. I first noticed it when my age was registered as 21 on school records & health certificates even though I was only 20yrs and 4 months in early 2008. On job applications, they are most likely to ask for a full birthdate, but sometimes just birth year or age.

As to age:

"Lunar age" method mentioned above is just like traditional [kazoe-doshi] method in Japan:
age 1 at birth, gaining 1 at every lunar New Year.
I'm not sure whether these two methods are of the same root, but this [kazoe-doshi] method has a variation like "birth year age" method:
age 0 at birth, gaining 1 at every Gregorian New Year.
(By the way, former official lunar calendars of China and Japan are, strictly, lunar solar calendars: they include adjusting length of years to the sun.)

In Japan, a person's age is legally counted on Gregorian calendar, based on at least 4 laws.
To make a long story short, a person turns 22 by fulfilling 22 years since the date of birth.
(This means that the day when a person turns 22 is the day before the 22nd birthday, which is not common except on legal basis.)

: my age was registered as 21 on school records & health certificates even though I was only 20yrs and 4 months in early 2008.

That also depends on the date as of which the age is indicated.
You are now 21, but you are registered as 22 if the as-of date is in the coming year 2010 because you turn 22 in the year 2009.
- Another example:
Generally, the first graders of Japanese elementary schools turn 7 by the end of the academic year (31 March).
It's better in some cases to register them all as 7 or all as 6, than to register some as 7 and some as 6.

As to commenting on taste:

: After taking only one sip of the Anxi oolong tea, Lefty & Mimi commented on how great the tea tasted.

For drinks such as tea, it takes only a moment to be felt delicious after the taste was detected, with a help of the flavor.
However, it takes some seconds for many kinds of foods and drinks.
When I comment on a taste on the scene, I often begin with a few of the best expressions I can think of in the seconds.
How such expressions sound may depend on persons and cultures, but I hope this prevents me from paying compliments with poor patchworks of words.

As to bathing:

: was surprised that they bathe in hot water during the hottest month of the year. Preferring cold baths/showers during the summer, I stayed in the hot bath for no longer than a few minutes.

I suppose the hot water in your situation was offered for an option;
when a family host doesn't know the guest's preference, he/she keeps water in a bathtub hot for a guest who hopes to use it.
Bathtub water is used not only for a soak;
we use the water outside the bathtub in a home bathroom,
which is acceptable in Japan as long as it's not too noisy against the neighborhood and the amount of the water is moderate.
As far as I know, it's better for the health to avoid sudden large change of temperature in bathing.
In winter I prefer soaks in lukewarm water for some long time because I often come home from a cold weather.

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