J-wife holding off on having kids

Hello,

I'm a 24 y/o Chinese American married to a 26 y/o J-woman. We've been married for 7 months. I have always wanted to have a child before I turn 25, but it's not going to happen as my wife wants to hold off until she is at least 27 (which means delivering at 28, when I will be 26).

I have a stable job, and could support my family comfortably even if I have that baby now and my wife quits her job. Not only am I yearning to have a child, my parents are also pushing me. On the other hand, I'm patiently waiting as I love her and this wait is important to her (she said she is not quite emotionally ready for pregnancy yet). I respect it as after all she will be the one carrying the baby.

Recently, several of our friends just gave birth. I just couldn't stop daydreaming about the day my wife will deliver our first child.

I notice many J-women wait until their late 20s-early 30s to have a child so if my wife wants to wait until 27, I think it's reasonable.

Has anyone else been in my shoes?

Perhaps it might help if you look at the hard reality of being a first time paretnts than just dreaming. Are you ready for countless sleepless nights, screaming baby who won't stop no matter what you do, changing diapers all day, and cold foods and cofee?:)

i think his answer would be yes, and my tip for OP is that you dont try to sound annoyed/angry abt it but try to convince her calmly and trust you on the decision. Sound positive! you sound a little negative which doesnt really help

If I understand the original question correctly, I think the OP has gotten everything right and fully understands his wife's situation, but just want to share his desire with others, just so that he knows he's not alone.

Uco seems to be understanding me best. May I ask, are you a married J-woman?

In response to the above posters, yes I am ready to be a first time parent. I often babysat my brother who is 14 years younger than I am. I had my share of changing diapers, giving him a bath, feeding, and chasing him. I have no problems sleeping well under 6h a day. A little off topic here: What is the typical age a child gets potty trained? My brothers and I were all potty trained around our 2nd birthday. On the other hand, my wife and her sisters were potty trained around 3. I am wondering because my wife would rather not have 2 kids in diapers at the same time so this would be useful for planning.

Prior to marriage, we did agree that she could wait until 27, so it doesn't feel right to bug her about having a child now. I cherish the moment by giving her my undivided attention. I am patiently waiting, but my parents are the ones pushing me to bear them a grandchild which is giving me a little headache recently. I was born when my parents were only 21 (they are 45 now) so they keep telling me that they have been waiting too long! Please don't get me wrong, my mom is an amazing woman who wouldn't mind taking care of our child if my wife decides to go back to work after giving birth. So I couldn't blame her wanting a grandchild when she is still energetic enough to chase a toddler around.

No matter how much I yearn having a child now, I think there is nothing worse than pushing a woman too soon to have a baby. She is the one doing 9 months labor.

Seven months is a short time to be worrying about having children. I think your wife wants to wait until she is sure of how married life will be. Most Japanese women I met usually wait until they are older to have children(like around 30). I would just give it a little extra time and not worry too much you're still very young and children will come soon enough for you. Remember, children are a lifelong responsibility. You and your wife should he enjoy each other first for a while by yourselves. Good luck.

Sorry, I didn't mean to tease you. I understood fully well you only wanted to hear from someone in the same shoe. It is usually around 3 years old when children get out of diapers. But it really depends on the child. I know a boy who was still in diapers when he was 5 years old. Mine was out a couples of months after he turned 3. Some children takes months/years to be potty trained. Mine needed only 2 weeks. You just have to be patient and follow your child.

Simon, in response to your question to me, yes, I am a married Japanese woman with a teenage son. But I haven't really been in your shoes, so I'm afraid I can't really help you on this one.

One thing I can say, perhaps, is that once you have a child there will be thousands of more times when you have to "wait and tolerate" like this. So take this as a good training opportunity. What do I do when I need to wait? Like yourself, I just look for people who can share my experience and then just think of two words: "faith" and "hope".

I was also born when my parents were 21 (they married at 19 and 20!), but they advised me that it would be better to wait longer and get some life experience before taking on the responsibility of a child. My mother also insisted when she was in her 40s that she was too young to be a grandparent!

Ask your parents nicely to be patient- it is not fair of them to cause you and your wife stress by pressuring you. They are barely even middle aged- they will definitely have plenty of time with their grandchildren.

That's good advice for you too- your wife may end up feeling resentful if she feels she has been pressured into having a child earlier than she wanted to.

I am 34 and my husband (Japanese) is 38 and we are only just starting to think it might be time to have children, and even then we will probably wait another couple of years.

I am glad that I had freedom to travel and do the things I wanted to in my 20s (I visited over 30 countries during that decade).

Why do you want a child before the age of 25? It's just a number. 25, 26, 27- it doesn't make any difference as long as you are a good parent, and you are *both* ready to go ahead with this.

You are not running out of time by any stretch of the imagination, so just enjoy your life as a couple for the next couple of years.

Always tell your parents that's "our" decision to wait to enjoy "our" alone time bfore a baby arrives. Don't give them any other responses and change the subject. Stick to one or two phrases and repeat them again and again. Hopefully they will get tired of getting the same answeres and leave you alone.

i was born when my mom was only 13!!! all my younger brothers are all married now and im the only one left...i dont feel like i ever want kids... so my mom keeps asking when imma get married too...i dont even have a gf...but hahaha...just wait it out...im sure she will come around...plus dont try to plan it...if it come natrually it would be alot better that way...well good luck dude...

Thank you for your input ., Uco, Sira, Ikuyo Kuruyo, fifo.

Why do you want a child before the age of 25? It's just a number. 25, 26, 27- it doesn't make any difference as long as you are a good parent, and you are *both* ready to go ahead with this.

Totally agree with you. The reason I want to have a child before 25 is because of fond memories during my childhood having young parents. I couldn't forget the days my parents took me snowboarding, swimming in rivers, the days my mom shared my taste on pop music. As they got older, the family adventures have significantly reduced. By the time I was a pre-teen, they no longer took us snowboarding, swimming in rivers and all the fun stuff we used to do. I really feel my little brother missed out on how interesting our parents used to be. I do think 21 is too young though because I barely started a full-time job then. For the above resons, I feel 24 is a good time (young but mature enough) for a first child. But I have been convinced by my wife that 26, 27, 28 are still young too.

I have to say Sira has really cool parents for not being pushy on marriage and childbirth matters. My mom has a hard time understanding why in the world my 26 y/o J-wife is not emotionally ready for pregnancy yet (as my mom got pregnant at 20).

Ask your parents nicely to be patient- it is not fair of them to cause you and your wife stress by pressuring you.

Always tell your parents that's "our" decision to wait to enjoy "our" alone time bfore a baby arrives.

I did. Before we got married, my parents knew I was looking forward to have a baby. So without telling them, they are smart enough to know that my wife is the one who wants to hold off. Last month, my dad said (to me only) "if you are ready for a child and she isn't, she should give in. She's a woman!" I scolded him for such an inconsiderate statement and didn't talk to him for a while. He has apologized and stopped talking about our childbearing plans.

We are enjoying just the 2 of us for now :-) We plan to travel around Europe this year.

Thank you for comforting me Sira. Waiting 2 years is invaluable for strengthening our relationship and for both of us to be on the same page.

Simon,

I think your parents were active, not because they were young, but because you were their first child and they still had a lot of energy left for you.

We had our first and only son when his father was 30 years old. Together we went skiing, swimming, hiking, camping we traveled overseas several times, my husband babysitted our son when I was off to a trip for a week, and during that time father and son went to lots of museums and parks, and my husband isn't even an outdoor type of guy.

As our son grew older, busier and distant, these activies became less and less. By the time he reached his teens, he didn't want to go out with us any more, so family activities became pretty much limited to New Year get-togethers. It was probably a good thing in a way, because by the third time we went to Disneyland, my husband didn't seem amused any more.

I hear similar things from other families, and the second child and on miss all these adventures simply because the parents are tired of all these things having been through them with their first child. When you have your first child, you get excited and want to do this and that, but gradually you get bored of it.

But in a sense, the younger siblings are lucky because the parents don't make a big fuss whatever they do. They get to have more freedom, while the eldest carries all the burden. I try my best not to bother with our son, but you can't help annoying him when he's your first experience around.

So rather than to think you might loose energy as you age, try to keep healthy. I know many dads who had their first child in his late 30s or older, and they are often more active than those in their 20s, mostly because they are happier having waited so long. People live up to 90 nowadays, you know.

Simon, it sounds like you are a sensible, considerate person.

I also have fond memories of young, active parents, but as Uco says, you can still make the effort to be active with your children no matter what age you are- my father is now 57 and still an avid skier, hiker and fisherman, so when I go back to my home country I am always outdoors somewhere with him- he is almost too active for me in fact!

My mother loves to travel, and we went to South-East Asia together when she was in her late 40s- the next year she travelled in South America with her friends for 4 months!

Age is a state of mind, as I think someone else might have mentioned, if not here, then in another thread.

I'm sure you will make a great father when your turn comes around- enjoy your trip to Europe with your wife :-)

I had my kid at 30 (I am a Japanese woman), and have been doing all the fun things you mentioned. You should have a baby when you BOTH are ready. Good for you for standing up for your wife.!

Sorry, I don't get it. Or maybe I just don't know many guys who are so eager to have children, especially before their wives. I don't know of many guys who dream of it when they are young.

I could be wrong but it almost seems your wife is 2nd place to your mom's wishes and even your own wishes for kids. Where does your wife stand in the whole scheme of things, in your mind?

Sounds a bit like a big daydream.

Thank you for sharing your family experiences Uco and Sira. Totally agree with the both of you that staying healthy is the priority. My wife must be doing something right. When we first met in our late teens, we looked about the same age. We both exercise frequently, but my diet has always been poorer than hers. She now looks no older than 21 (always gets asked for her ID at bars) while I look well into my mid 20s (seldom get asked for my ID).

Sorry, I don't get it. Or maybe I just don't know many guys who are so eager to have children, especially before their wives. I don't know of many guys who dream of it when they are young.
I could be wrong but it almost seems your wife is 2nd place to your mom's wishes and even your own wishes for kids. Where does your wife stand in the whole scheme of things, in your mind?

Sounds a bit like a big daydream.

Everyone is different. Have you been in a relationship long enough? Even though we have only been married for 7 months, we have been together for 6.5 yrs. Having been in a relationship this long, I am ready to take it to the next level (having kids).

At the same time, my wife's wishes are the most important. I am willing to wait until she's ready.

I know I shouldn't be daydreaming but it was hard for me not to after attending one of my close friend's (who is my age and his wife who is 5yrs younger) baby shower.

For now, I should devote all my love to my wife and not worry about kids :-)

Simon,

First of all you agreed to wait before you got married. So, wait.

It is only a few years, which gives you time to be with your wife. Go to the opera, scuba dive, eat ice cream for breakfast, but do it together.

Second. Tell mom that she will be a great grandmother but she can either wait until you and your wife decide it is time or she can wait until your wife and you decide it is time.

Third and most important:

Nothing stops you from entertaining your friends (with kids).

Spending time with other peoples kids give you time to demonstrate your fathering skills. And it can be fun!

Tenshi