Overcoming the feeling of gaijin-ness

frenchdude, actually it's not like that.

I was studying art way before coming to japan, and had business elsewhere, and I am not interested in living in japan apart from staying with my girlfriend.
What I meant about learning japanese being useless was simply driven by the fact that some people think it's not strictly necessary to learn japanese to live in japan, but I obviously disagree.

It is possible to survive without knowing Japanese, as mentioned before in cities as Tokyo will be ok.
But if you really want to survive you need to learn reading and talking. Such as tax and other official documents will not be done in English.

Of course you can rely on other people, but that would not look well I guess.

Many people left Japan because of communication issues, and I am talking about my experience.

i guess from the start, if you are not interested to live in Japan, nothing much good will come out in staying here.
Most of people living here really wanted to came here, they might be disappointing but they usually love it.
I never lived outside Tokyo, but countryside might be very very different.
Its like comparing living in New York and Kentucky's small town.
You can find so many English speaker here, more and more each year. Yet i will assume that 80% of Japanese wont be able / dare to speak in English.
You can really enjoy Japan if you start to understand Japanese and feel more aware of your surrounding.

You might feel like a kid because you have to rely so much on your gf and feel lost.
Also most of Japanese are quite naive and have very little knowledge of foreign/foreigner.
In Tokyo, the population is slightly more educated so its a bit easier.

Even if i speak descent Japanese its not easy everyday, but you have to know what you want in life.
if you are not happy, make some change in your life to fix that.

Things will drastically change when you learn to speak and understand Japanese.
Learn Japanese and your things will get a lot better.

While I agree that learning more Japanese would help you feel more comfortable around, I don't think it will alleviate your frustration. In Japan you will always be a gaijin no matter how perfect language you speak. You have to always remember Japan is a monoethnic country that doesn't work like other countries or unions where most or all people are immigrants from different backgrounds. In a sense, it's not fair to expect the same in Japan. Therefore, I'm not convinced your issue is a language one, maybe more like how you view and expect social relationships to look like, so probably Japan isn't your place. Besides, you said that you don't necessary want to live in Japan, which means that there's no point in forcing yourself to like it. I'd have to agree with Firas that you'll probably feel better somewhere else. And there's nothing wrong about it, Japan isn't for everyone.

I will chip in - with a personal and not necessarily generic view point. The country and it's people don't want me here. it is as simple as that. micro-aggressions, the law, the"piss-off home you are temporary" are all part of how foreigners are treated. Even today I had someone move away from me on the train and normally I ignore that, but racism/discrimination is strong and healthy in Japan.

Unfortunately, I choose to live in Japan, have my work and life invested here and I ignore most of the crap that gets dished up - I'm not "going home" anytime soon. It is better to learn the responses to mess with the locals if it is irritating you. That can annoy them back :) Nihongo - kantan desu ne - pffft.

JapanCustomTours: I think this is a bit radical, I believe you but it's not an accurate representation of the general picture. I've never felt as if they don't want me, quite the opposite, and particularly for what I work they badly need my foreign-ness (not talking about English teacher, although come to think of it, English teachers would be very much wanted too, no?). But it's also about how you feel - some people are much more sensitive than others. As I've been saying on numerous occasions before, it's a mistake to come to Japan with perceptions of the Western societies.

I covered the first part of my response with a disclaimer. A lot of people will not even notice what goes on around them, and also for most people working for someone else or English teaching there are skills required. But you only have to read the commentary about how the Government avoids the use of immigration as a term and look at the laws around visas, or even interact with enough real people on a day-to-day basis to work out that the country has some major problems with the rest of the world (it is daily news if you didn't notice). I find it interesting. (And I know people that have given up after fighting against it for ten years, but I'm sticking around because the good out-weights the bad for me.)

JapanCustomTours wrote;
Even today I had someone move away from me on the train and normally I ignore that, but racism/discrimination is strong and healthy in Japan.

In Japan, it's normal for train passengers to move away from a stranger so that the stranger can have more room. I'm Japanese, and I get that all the time. I'm not saying that there's no racism/discrimination in Japan, though.

To the OP;
I'm sure you're aware that the examples you gave us on your first post is about people who want to communicate with you. But, of course, that doesn't mean you cannot rant about it. When you're different, often the best thing to do is to join a group of people who feel the same, or even organize a group.

The only thing that's going to change as your Japanese improve is how people react after you start talking, it will have no influence whatsoever on how they choose to approach you before you have a chance to open your mouth. (ie look, this is japanese baby as you were drawing). I still get treated like and I've been here 8 years and close to native level of fluency.

If you're already feeling annoyed then I don't think you're going to fare well over the long term as it's your attitude that needs to change more than anything else.

For example in my case, from day one I've always felt that it was the fault of other foreigners that Japanese people acted like this so it never bothered me.

I knew that if the average foreigner could speak at least some Japanese they would have no reason to behave this way.

And the funny thing is that after the first few months I started doing it too. In 8 years I've met only a handful of foreigners would could speak it above daily conversational level but hundreds upon hundreds who can barely ask for the way to the toilet so I don't even bother with Japanese when meeting foreigners even if they're not from an English speaking country.

We need to change as a whole first before Japanese people will change their attitude, not the other way around.

Hi, I have a same experience in Bangladesh.
In my case 90% of people were muslim so you know... everyone look at me even I was just there haha

About your case, Japanese people are not on purpose, 100% we do unconsciously.
in countryside foreign people are just rare and local people are curious because looking is different.
I know you know it and still annoyed but you have to give up about this...you can't change them...
I think Japanese people should know how the minority feel because I hear the same things from many people.
But our society is kind of homogeneous, so it takes long time, maybe...

But most Japanese people have good stereotypes about foreign people so please don't think in a bad way. If you don't want to be out, please tell to your lover, I think she will understand that.

I Hope to reduce your stress.Take care.

JapanCustomTours wrote;
Even today I had someone move away from me on the train and normally I ignore that, but racism/discrimination is strong and healthy in Japan.

Uco wrote;
In Japan, it's normal for train passengers to move away from a stranger so that the stranger can have more room. I'm Japanese, and I get that all the time. I'm not saying that there's no racism/discrimination in Japan, though.

I'm a white man and I absolutely agree with Uco 100%
I don't think you know/understand Japan as much as you think, JapanCustomTours.
Over the years I've met tons of foreigners who complained about racism and discrimination when it often wasn't even close to being the case, such as your train episode. People looking for racism will find it. Anywhere, anytime. Keep that in mind.

OP, if literally the only thing that keeps you in Japan is your gf, that's an awful lot of pressure to put on a relationship and is unlikely to make either of you happy in the long run.

Unfortunately, in rural Japan you're still likely to get that kind of treatment upon first meeting someone or in customer service situations, though once you do speak fairly well people generally go along with it. You just have to get used to having the same somewhat inane conversations over and over again (home country, chopsticks, nihongo jouzu, teach me English, etc.) and remind yourself over and over again that people are just trying to make friendly conversation and have no idea that it can turn into microagression sandpaper. I've lived in several areas of Japan and the only thing I've found that lessened this was moving to downtown Tokyo where there are enough long-term foreign residents we're not a super oddity and people are likely to ignore you or stick to their script regardless of where you're from. Even my friends from Osaka have expressed how much more pleasantly ignored they are here.

I would get involved in both the local community and the foreign community in the area as much as possible. Find some local hobbies or meetup groups where you can practice the language as well as do something you find fun. Like any other country with a different culture, Japan isn't for everyone but you can probably find something you enjoy and that helps you live a fulfilling life outside of just your relationship. Even if you're not particularly interested in learning Japanese for its own sake, it will make you less dependent on your gf and able to enjoy the country more if you intend to stay for any length of time. The more you go out and around without your gf the more people will have to talk to you in Japanese anyway. :)

I don't have time to read all the answers but me and my husband are from different nationalities and I can say that those problems you described are not just japanese. I see it all the time in my husbands home country. The difference is that my husband takes a step back when we are together and is forcing people to interact with me in his language. If he is not able to step back for instance if we are ordering in a restaurant and the waiter wants extra info on my order, he doesn't answer the waiter for but instead asks me if I understood and I will answer. It has made it much easier for me.

By the way, I was only hoping to make the OP and JapanCustomTours feel better :)