Handshake after a date

Hello everyone,

I've recently been on a date with a Japanese lady in the UK (we're both in our late twenties, and working here). She's been here 2 years, spent most of her life in Tokyo.

The whole date went fine, when I did 70% of the talking. Some key points as follows:

I was prepared to see her back home after our meal, she suddenly indicated she had plans to go elsewhere. I offered to accompany her for the journey, but when I prepared to part with her near the destination, she was shocked as though she was expecting me to spend more time with her...In the end I did spend another 2 hours with her, which was fine!

Main question here: I'm a bit surprised the date ended with her initiating a handshake. Personally I would rate a wave or subtle nod above handshakes....
I gave her a confused look and said it was so formal, she laughed and we parted.
- Can anyone shed some light on this? Kiss of death or conservatism here??

Many thanks for your help, much appreciated!

Mech

Since this forum is about Japanese things, I guess I should say that I don't think anyone could provide any real insight. You'd have to think more about the date, and the events leading up to it. But since you were confused by her actions even before that, I think you're just going to have to go with the flow.

A possible interpetation about the handshake may just be cultural misunderstanding.

In Japan, it is not universal that someone would end a date with a kiss. Not kissing would not be a sign of a lack of interest, either.

What two people would almost universally do (if Japanese) when saying goodbye would be to bow to some extent or another.

She knows, though, that foreigners do not bow. Her thinking might have been, "Hmm, what do foreigners do instead of bowing? I know, they shake hands!" So, not being aware of all of the nunaces of the gesture, she extended her hand for the handshake.

In other words, don't place too much meaning on the fact of the handshake. Take your cue from how the rest of the date went.

I think that DANH2009 is right.

In the European country I come from, people routinely give one another a hug and often also a kiss...but there are different types of hugs and kisses and a foreigner wouldn't know the difference ..

In other word a hug and kiss after a first date doesn't necessarily mean the other person is interested..

By the way the poster mention that he talked most of the time...which means that she wasn't very involved in the talk... Usually a man ask a lady questions about herself, her hobbies, interests etc. without saying too many things about himself..

Thanks for the responses so far, I really appreciate the advice.

I'm equally baffled by our little confusion mid-way on the date.

I was intending to leave her some space to do her own stuff after our lunch, and was expecting us to part. She seemed to expect me to know that she wanted me to join her at the gallery (without saying anything...?).

To be honest, I'm not too bothered by the past, but I'm sure this confusion is going to come up again if we see eachother again. I obviously can't read minds...what to do?

A Japanese woman I dated for a couple of years also shook my hand after the first date. She later said that she was a little embarrassed that she had done it, she just didn't know how to end the date and realised it looked a bit weird.

Try a high five or a fist bump next time.

One apparent thing: when she indicates some interest to go elsewhere after a date, ask early on if you may join her :) If she mentioned where she was going, I would say she was interested in going there with you.

Handshake meant she wanted some contact, but probably wasn't sure if a hug or a peck on the cheek was the right thing - so maybe she thought hastily and ended up extending her hand.

(The above is from a Japanese woman, who has lived in the UK too.)

In my opinion it all comes down to how the hand shake was delivered. Was it a firm clasp with lots of vigorous pumping up and down ...or a limp grip with no wrist resistance? Was her hand in the upper position during the shake or yours? All small tell tale signs in themselves that need to be considered...

TTS

Thanks everyone.

TTS: Are you implying that a firm handshake is more for a "friend"/business colleague?

I'm even worse at reading the minds of people I've never met halfway around the world then you are at reading minds, but...

Regarding your mid-day confusion: from your description it sounds like she wanted to prolong the date and "invited" you to an additional excursion, and then was surprised when you were about to leave after having "accepted".

A lot of Japanese interaction can seem maddeningly indirect to Westerners (conversely, Japanese might see Western directness to be quite rude.) Much of this has to do with saving face and avoiding (outward) conflict. Look up "tatemai" and "honne", the full discussion of which is bit out of scope here, but you should try to understand it if your relationship with this lady is going to go anywhere(or really, any relationship, personal or business, with any Japanese unless he/she is adept with dealing with Westerners.)

So to apply to your case: if she were to directly invite you she would be putting you on the spot; it would be difficult for you to decline without you insulting her. So in order to give you a graceful way out, she's giving you an opening. Which, by offering to go with her, you're (inadvertently in your case!) accepting. That's her understanding, so of course she't taken aback when you're about to leave prematurely - you're about to run out on your date!

Of course, take this with a grain of salt since I'm just going on your description, but that's my take on what happened. Hope that helps. And read up on honne and tatemae.

why not just ask her on another date directly, in a slightly more romantic setting

you should know from the reaction whether or not it's going well

I think she was just being friendly, but if I were her, I would totally hug you or give you a quick kiss at least. Afterall, it was a date and you did 70% of the talking right? LOL
I feel like she wants to be friends with you and she's not looking at you as her potential boyfriend material yet.
Good luck!