Japanese man deny the promise

Hi everyone, I have relationship with Japanese start from Jun 2012, but before we already as a friend.So he already know my condition I have husband but already not leave together and I also have children.

He accept with it and we continue this relation very well and love each other more. He also very care with children. He come to my country every 3 months and sometime I visit him when he busy. During the happy relationship He the one offering me to marry and leave in Japan, and than I respond with very happy and agree with it. and finally with his support I process my divorce things

While I processing it, he starting to deny all his promise as marry, leave in Japan etc. And said it difficult, impossible and many more difficult reason.

I trying to understand and calm on this situation and suggest to think it very slowly and he ok with it. But on Monday Feb 2014 he text me and said "I thinking a lot about us and you should not divorce"

I trying to call him and text for get confirmation what the meaning of his text. but he ignore all my effort until now.

I understand if he not brave enough to bring me and children, but as he already very close with children, he should not do thing so childish like it.

Before this happened, we have a plan to me visit japan for talking our future plan but with this situation I don't know how the plan will going, because he not answer all my text and call.

Please help me to get the good solution I love him so much and I will do everything to be with him back even though he doesnt want marry me at least be my friend and don't hurt children with leave without any word

Thank you

Before this happened, we have a plan to me visit japan for talking our future plan but with this situation I don't know how the plan will going, because he not answer all my text and call

Sounds like he has made his decision. Time to move on.

Yep, time to move on. Time to find another guy!

First of all, you shouldn't cheat your husband while you in secret relationship with that Japanese man. Please divorce your husband before you find your new man. There is no point to keep your husband while finding a new man and it will hurt your husband. How many times you need to learn that Marriage is commitment. I think he change his mind because he felt gulity of taking you away from your husband while you married. He probably realized what he did is wrong. I am glad he finally came to his sense. You should be the same.

I love how everyone on this site sees things in black-and-white. The OP might live in one of those countries where leaving your husband is economic suicide. There's a reason why most developed countries have laws to protect women.

OP - In any case, your boyfriend seems to have made it clear that he is no longer interested.

He made up his mind already. Sometimes it's hard for a guy to accept a woman who isn't single (already have a family). They might have a relationship with you, but through time, they might just realize that's too much for him. So they just decided to end it like that. My ex told me he can't marry a woman whose already have a child. He will date, but will not marry. This might be your guy case too.

Like everyone is saying,it's time to move on.

There can be a lot of social pressure in international marriage, getting married with someone with kids, etc. that your boyfriend may not have expected. He could have spoken about his plan of getting married to you to his parents, relatives, family, and may have gotten a big no. Very very possible, depending on the family culture. If his whole family is against accepting a foreigner into the family (i.e. relatives) there is a good chance that the marriage will not be a happy one, even if your boyfriend personally loves you.
It's not necessarily just becuase you are a foreigner. My wife was divorced with kids when I got married to her and my family was OK with her, but I shouldn't have been surprised to have someone opine against it.
It was much better that you found out beforehand and not after you moved in and had some mean relative try to kick you out or something.

Maybe he was getting all the rewards without any responsibilities while you still were married. At the first sign of that situation changing, his demeanor changed and his single-but-with-lover status was threatened and he got scared.

Time to move on and take this as a painful learning lesson.

I understand if he not brave enough to bring me and children, but as he already very close with children, he should not do thing so childish like it.

I don't think he's childish, to be honest. Even though he's close to them, doesn't mean he's ready to be somebody else kids father. He already message you his reason, somewhat. At least that was a message he no longer wants to continue his relationship with you.

Before this happened, we have a plan to me visit japan for talking our future plan but with this situation I don't know how the plan will going, because he not answer all my text and call.

telling you not to divorce is clear already. You should focus on your kids now, rather than trying to get this guy back. It's hard to move on from a relationship, I know. But why would you want to be with someone who's doesn't want to be with you.

Hi all, thanks for respond. I just want to let you know I not cheat my husband, since he not stop due violent things for almost 15years I already tell with him that I cant continue my marry and he also know I have relation with Japanese man. But I not brave to process divorce because I thinking about children. But after children agree with it and I also have my Japanese man who support me to divorce, I do it.

I think you all right, I need to move on.

But I have curious question "If I still go to Japan at the time and I come to his house for just know what the real reason, do you think is good idea or better I don't need to come to Japan"


Please help me to answer about this. Many Thanks

It's a bad idea! Don't go to his house at all without his permission or him knowing it. Very dispespectful and scary. Just let it go because he made it clear not to continue his relationship with you. I would be very angry if someone does that. If a person still loves you, he'll go back or contact you.

Thanks Aya for your fast respond. From all that thing I will try to move on but I need to make it clear "why" for explain to my children who already he told before to call him daddy and it was so difficult for me to let them understand.
But overall I know I also guilty in this case :(

Thay's wrong to go to his place to demand an answer. You are childish doing something like that. First of all, it's not his real kids and it's not like you are married to him. If he wad the real dad, I would understand. Sometimes things don't work out as you expected. Really, just move on.

Unfortunately you will have to explain to your children that sometimes romantic relationships fail. Getting additional explanations from your boyfriend won't help you, and he might tell you things you wouldn't tell your children anyway.

This is very interesting and a lot of people are giving you good direct answers.

Here is what I have to say�c ask yourself this question�c
Do you really, really, really, really still love him?
Do you still have any kind of feeling for him?
Can you still see yourself staying with him for your child?

If you answer NO to all of those, than I think its maybe you should no longer be with your husband.

Also think about your child, a few women would continue to be married to their husband but have no sexual relationship yet continue to be with the man they married until their children finish high school or goes off to college than divorce their husband. Being a single independent mom is not easy as you�fre taking on both roles as dad and mom and also from a financial support you are taking care of yourself and your child and you don�ft want to start bring random man to your house for your child to see.

Everyone is right, forget about him and move on.. I know what he told you don�ft sound right now you want to get the real answer but let it go.

I think it would be a bad idea also to travel to Japan to show up to his house and you ask him why. When you do this�c
Are you going to take your child with you?
Are you going to take your child with you to Japan?
Who going to watch your child if anything happens to you.

To. ThatGuy

For the 1st 3 question my answer is not, it truly not because from my side only also from all children, they all said you too longer not happy and try to keep happy for us, we think it your time to be happy mom (That the 1st reason make me brave to divorce otherwise from J-man)

for the 2nd question, usually this trip create by J-man so I just go alone but in this case I thinking to go with my son. But I dont understand with your question "how about something happens with me" what it is mean (sound scary)

Maybe all of you think I'm stubborn to still want to know why and why but the one I want is we met first in good way so I want to end it also in good way and maybe can be friend.

I dont want anything from the J-man again except his care to me and children.

To be honest Ita, if you go it's will be worst. Why the hell would you bring your kids with you to confront him. It's not stubborn, it's utterly stupid. What if he's already in another relationship and is happy? Ita! Just move on, don't use your kids as excuse.

Also, seriously it is creepy. If you do that, even as friends there's no chance. You want to teach your kids to behave like you in the future? What kind of mom are you.

Agree, I will not bring my kids and I not ever think to use them to be an excuse on this case.

Thank you for your good respond.

I just confuse, don't believe it happened.

All you right everything can change even only in one minute.

But please don't judge me as bad mom. I always did everything alone in my marry life for long time for them.

Thank you

Sorry Ita, if my words a little harsh. I don't mean to say you're a bad mom, just sometimes it's best to keep the childrens out of an adult problem. I know it's hard and confusing when someone all a sudden ends everything without any expaination. These things happen. There's a few relationship like yours were the person just suddenly ignores them on this forum. But I would say, you were a little lucky he actually told you that he thought about it and it wouldn't work. Some people did not get that at all. Be good to yourself. Just let him go if he doesn't want to be in yours or your kids life at all now. I'm sure there's a better man out there who will be good to you. Ita, about your divorce, do what you think is better for you. How old are your kids if I may ask? If you divorce, will he still support them finacially and still be there for them?