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TLDR VERSION: 6 months into a relationship with a Japanese girlfriend in Australia and scared of a possible loveless marriage in the distant future.
I'm posting here after many, many months of researching, asking Japanese friends, and generally finding out as much as I can regarding the marriage between a western man and Japanese wife, or any marriage with a Japanese wife for that matter. For some reason I suspect my post may be deleted (no idea why) but I will hope it will stay up long enough to get some responses.
I am a 26 yr old Australian male, who has been in a 8 month relationship with a 30 yr old Japanese girl from a small country town in southern Japan. We are very much in love and hope to be together for a long time.
Whilst marriage/kids is long way off (at least 5 years), I've become increasingly worried, due to the advice of Japanese friends and internet forums (such as this) about the nature of the relationship after marraige; a.k.a a lack of love/romance/sex.
I come from a very close knit family. My parents are still together and they love each other. It's always been my aim to get the same type of relationship. I am not a guy who thinks sex is the most important thing, but I do agree love/romance/sex is important for a couple. I would be unhappy if my wife stops being romantic. Why am I with a Japanese girl? I love Japan and can speak some of the language, and we met by chance while she was here on a working visa. She is currently in Japan for a month between visa's but will return and live with me, hopefully for a long time depending on our relationship.
Now of course, after learning of the horrid 90% + rate of Japanese girls becoming stale sexless loveless people after marriage/kids - I voiced my concerns straight to my girlfriend, even after only a few months together. She said whilst she definitely doesn't want to go down this path, she has never been married and she states she "doesn't know what will happen".
I'd like to break down my relationship hopes in a list of Profs and Confs and hopefully someone here with experiences (both positive or negative) could provide some insight. I am also aware, whilst itfs very easy to read so many negative stories on the web and wonder where all the positive stories are, the sheer amount of stories plus advice from actual Japanese guys and girls has me very worried.
PROS
• My girlfriend is 30 years old, mature, down to earth, she had good work ethic, but does not have a degree of any sort.
• She wants to live and work in Australia to be with me.
• She loves my family and are envious of their relationships, she said this type of family/relationship is a dream to her. My family likes her.
• She has responded to my worries and says she does not like the gtypical sexless Japanese wifeh way.
• I asked some of her Japanese friends, whilst they recognized 95% of Japanese end up sexless, they stated my girlfriend discussed this with them and agreed she doesnft want to become a loveless/sexless wife.
• She has been a few relationships before in Japan, the longest was a 7 year relationship with a Japanese male. She said she never cheated on him, and they had sex nearly once a day for most of their relationship. They were set to be married but the boyfriend had started to show signs of domestic violence and she decided to end it. She was also expected to become a normal Japanese housewife and stay home all day, she didnft want this, and after leaving, decided to go travelling.
• We met by chance, she didnft seem to be desperate for a boyfriend (a.ka. gaijin hunter)
• Her family (mother/sisters) do like me and I will be meeting them soon in Japan on a holiday
• She thinks I am attractive and tells me a lot. The sex is good (of course after only 6 months). Shefs very affectionate. She says she loves sex and affection and doesnft see why she would stop it. She says I have nothing to worry about.
• We share cooking and cleaning, and I plan to keep that up.
• She says that I should not generalize all Japanese girls with one banner, she says all people are different.
• We donft fight too often but when we do, we seem to some to agreements.
• She seems to honest, and I do trust her.
CONS
• Shefs Japanese.
• Her mother and father are divorced, she told me a few bad stories when she was younger of abuse by her mother. However she and her sisters have lived with her mother since. She rarely contacts her father. I asked her if she hates her father, she says no. She says it was their fault they couldnft make it work and it wasnft her problem. However her mother hates her father. I asked her if she will visit her father while in Japan, she said probably not. Limited contact.
• Very, very early in the relationship (1-2 months), I asked her a hypothetical question that if she had an accidental pregnancy, what would she do. She said she would not tell me and go back to Japan. I was annoyed at this answer and told her why it wasnft a better decision to try and make it work before running away (even though so early in relationship),and she agreed with me. I asked her if she was together with me for a year or 2 what would happen instead, and she said she would stay with me first.
• Before I dated her I asked her if she wanted kids. She said yes, but if she canft get married shefll try to adopt or just have a good life by herself via travelling etc.
Now, I could see how things go for a few years, but ultimately, my only test would be to marry her and see what happens. However if she does turn out to be a typical loveless wife, I donft want to waste 5 years of my life trying to figure it out.
My only options so far are, leave her now and only greive a 8 month relationship. This will be hard for me, as we love each other and breaking up over something that may happen 5-10 years later seems weird.
Or I keep going and see how things go for a while (1-2years). My issues with this, is that we may fall deeper in love and my fears may only come true after marriage/kids.
If anyone has any advice I would be greatly appreciated.
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