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Hi everyone. At the moment I'm going through a really intense period of my life. There's a lot to say, but I'll try to keep it short. I would really appreciate any feedback on this.
I am a 23-year-old Japanese language and culture student from Europe (a Slavic country, won't say which one). Less than two months ago I went to a neighboring country to join other Europian students of Japanese for a 5-day camp, where we had many activities related to Japanese language and culture. There I met a Japanese exchange student. He is a very bright person, very spirited, funny and adventurous, very inteligent, polite and tolerant of everyone's needs. He comes from a smaller city in central Japan, and has ventured into this small and not so rich Europian country as an exchange student a year ago. He had many experiences there and also gained a lot of foreign friends. He got along great with my countrymen and me (though I was a bit shy), and had even help us with our projects, sat with us during meals and escorted us to the bus station when we were leaving. During this time I grew to like him. Near the end of the camp, he said that, since he finished his college obligations in this country, he planned to travel Europe and would probably come to my country as well. I said I would be happy to meet him when he comes.
After I returned to my home country, I noticed he became friends on Facebook with others from my country, but hadn't sent me a request. So I sent it to him a few days later along with a message, asking him how he was doing and saying how much fun I had in the camp. He accepted and was surprised by the message (he probably didn't expect it since we hadn't spent that much time together, neither did I show him I liked him in any way, since it was too soon). We started exchanging messages, talking about various things. We talked in Japanese all the time, even during the camp. His English was actually not bad at all! And he picked up a bit of the language spoken in this country. I realised we had some things in common, similar interests and stuff. Kept talking via Facebook until he came to my country some twenty days later.
Before he came I offered to help him find a decent hotel and spent a lot of time researching, drawing him maps and such. He was thankful for it. He stayed for a few days, we met every day in the morning and stayed together until late at night, visiting all the famous places in town, trying local cuisine and talking a lot. Soon my male friend who was also with us in the camp came and the three of us had a blast every day while the Japanese was here. I can say I've never had such a good time in my life. I have learned and experienced a lot during this time, not to mention spent a lot of money, which I lack, but believed it was worth it.
I stll remained silent about the fact that I liked him, but let my actions speak for me. I did everything I could to help him had a good time, spent a lot of time, money, was always nice and polite towards him. He was also nice to me. Soon I had to leave the country for a vacation with my friends and before I left, I planned to reveal my feelings, though I was scared about it. But I had no idea that he would confess to me first! We sat in the cafe that was almost empty, and he told me that he liked me very much but was also afraid to confess due to the fear of refusal, and said that he regretted not coming to my country for study instead. If he had, he would have dated me. Said he hadn't dated anyone for a year. He also asked me to come to Japan for a short while if I could, though I had told him that my country is not very rich with possibilities and I could only come via scholarship or a job. He asked if he could kiss me, and I let him. Sat there for a while in each other's arms, regretting the fact that we can't be together. He was to return to Japan less than a month later. Then he escorted me to the bus station, where we kissed goodbye in public.
We were both out of the country for 10 days, me on vacation, him traveling Europe. During that time, all I could think about was him. Exchanged a few messages, I told him I missed him, he didn't reply with the same answer, just said it was cute. But expressed his wish to see me. We made a deal to see each other once again. I replaced my ticket in order to come back earlier so I could meet him. Been together for three days, saw some more interesting places, had a lot of fun. Talked a lot, I revealed a lot about myself, more than he said about his life. He even met my brother.
On the first day, he invited me to come visit him in his hotel. I refused, though he kept insisting, until I told him I would think about it tomorrow. On the next day, he insisted again, and I accepted, but was feeling very nervous about it. (I will mention that I had a very bad 3-year-long relationship that ended last year, the guy was my first boyfriend ever and I never slept with him because I didn't love him) When I came to his hotel, we watched some TV, talked a bit, when suddenly he started seducing me, though I was not sure about it at all. (I was a virgin and extremely shy) Though I told him I was very sensitive and refused him a couple of times, he kept pushing me and repeating how much he liked me, and that he wanted to do this with me before he leaves, because we can't be together. I was scared and physically resisted, but I guess I also kinda wanted it.. Later on he got tired of my resistance and just fell asleep. We just slept together in each other's embrace all night, and it was just amazing. The next day we finally did it, and he said he was happy. But said again that unfortunatelly, we couldn't be together. In the evening we had to say goodbye for good, and I told him how much he meant to me. Asked if we would see each other ever again, and he replied: most likely will not. I was very sad, but he was calm. I'm not sure why.. He also said that I would surely find a new boyfriend, but that he doesn't know if he would be able to find a new girlfriend... I noticed he was different during the day and at night. During the day there was hardly any affection from his side, though he was still very kind and friendly, and had no problem touching me in public, but at night... was so damn passionate..
Now he has returned to the country where he studied as an exchange student, and in a few days is returning to Japan to continue his studies (he's a year younger than me). We're still in contact via Facebook, and he's behaviour is still the same as before, bright and friendly. (Though he's usually not initiating contact first, he just replies to my messages) Yesterday I told him I found a way to come to Japan (I've never been) in a few months as an English teacher, and told him I expect nothing of him. Don't expect him to wait for me or anything. Just wanted to know if, when I come, if he still likes me then, would consider giving me a chance to at least talk about dating. He sounded happy about me finding a way to fullfill my childhood dream, and that is coming to Japan, but what he said about dating me... that he likes me better as a friend, and that it would be difficult for us to date even if I come. And that, if I'm thinking of coming because of him, I should stop. But that we can remain friends and that he would show me around if I come.
I'm broken. I got sick because my feelings got a hold of me. I'm in love with him and feel terrible because of his answer. I understand it may be hard to date a foreigner in Japan, and that his family may not agree, but I find it hard to accept it... He was my first serious boyfriend, I am not a person who falls in love easily.. And it only lasted less than two months.. When I asked him if he would remember me when he returns, he said: I will when I see something about your country on tv. I didn't like that and said that if this is the case, he didn't like me enough, to which he replied: why are you saying such things...
I apollogize for such a darn long email, but this experience has really affected me a lot. I'm not sure what happened, does he really like me but thinks our relationship has no future, is he a coward or was this just a summer romance to him? I believed I would be fine when he leaves, but sadness has taken over me...
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