What do I even do?

OK. So, I'm a new ALT for a JHS in Japan. I'm a female. There was one teacher who is probably the funniest and chillest dude I've ever met in my life, and he would always try to speak English with me, have a laugh, etc.

I'm totally stoked when he comes into the teachers room to personally thank me for coming to his class earlier to do an activity with his students. And since this is a rural town, and I am sufficiently lacking in the friends' department here, I was even more stoked when he asked me if I drink. The enkai was coming up at the end of the week, so I thought he just wanted to have a beer with me.

Somewhere along the lines, we were getting lost in translation, so we called over an English teacher to help translate. She was talking to him for a long, long time. To the point where I would bet my bottom dollar that she was telling him more than what I had asked her to translate. I can't understand what they're saying, so I turn back to my desk. When I look up, he's leaving the room, and she's calling me over to have a hush-hush conversation about how I feel when "a man asks a woman to drink," and if "men and women can drink like friends" in America.

I tell her that it's totally fine, and that I wasn't uncomfortable at all. I thought he and I were becoming friends.

Yeah. Here's the problem. Ever since that day, he has been limiting his conversations with me more and more. I was like, "Awesome idea. Let me pretend everything is normal, and he'll just catch on." Right? No. Wrong. He just looked generally uncomfortable when I approached, like he wanted to be rid of me as soon as possible. Now, he just flat out ignores me, and it bums me out a bit because he was the only (non-English) teacher to make small talk with me and chit chat. By the way, he never even went to the enkai.

I even tried to offhandedly mention to an English teacher or two [when they asked me what I thought of some of the teachers] that I thought this particular teacher was "funny and kind," but it had virtually no effect.

If we were back in good ol' 'Murica, I'd just flat-out ask him what the issue is. But I've got a feeling I'm not in Kansas anymore.

So first of all, what do you guys think happened?
And also, what would be a culturally sensitive way of resolving this issue . Let the record show that my ALT company indicated to me that should a problem arise in my school, I should talk to them, instead of the school. However, this doesn't really constitute as an issue with my school, and I'd rather not involve the Vice Principal, or make this a giant issue.

Any insight or ideas that might help me are greatly appreciated.

The issue arose when you had that second English teacher intervene. So my first question is, is she a Japanese English teacher or a Native English teacher? If she's a Native speaker, I would confront her about what was said but if she is Japanese, I suspect that maybe she might have told him something along the lines that made him consider that his interaction with you might not seem proper - especially in a rural community. Even though, it's changing, I would suspect that in some rural communities, the idea of a man and a woman being solely friends and hanging out alone together in Japan is quite rare.

There is a whole other end of the spectrum; he could "like" you and not know how to deal with it. I remember reading something somewhere about a guy who purposely avoided a girl at work even though he had developed feelings for her.

Unfortunately however, this is Japan. And indirectness works best. So I'm thinking, you might have to try this approach. You could casually mention to a colleague that you think this guy is cool (in a friendly sort of way) and that you find it strange that you no longer talk like you used to. It was all so sudden wasn't it. I'm sure this will get back to him through the grapevine and rural communities like to talk. What he decides to do with this information is up to him however. But in the meantime, try to make other friends in and around your neighbourhood. Try this site too; I've met a couple of nice people through it.

Thanks for the insight.
The English teacher was a Japanese English Teacher, to clarify. She is about 60 years old.
If I get an opportunity to throw in another offhanded comment in the hopes that this one makes it through the grapevine, I will.

The last time, he acknowledged I said he was funny, then resumed aggressively ignoring me ;-;

Just a guess from a Japanese woman.

If that Japanese English teacher is of that age, she might have criticized him along the lines of, what did you ask her to go out for drinks with her? What a misconduct! You are not supposed to go out with a colleague of the opposite gender alone! What? Is that normal in the US? But I don't think you should be showing any interest in doing that, don't you know teachers are not supposed to get into relationships at the same school? ... that kind of thing, assuming that he was interested in. He'd have tried to explain to her that he was just asking as a friend, and she could have told him, doesn't he know how that would "appear" to others? Doesn't he think she would be put in an awkward situation if rumors go around that he is going out with her? kind of thing. ... And only after having said all that, she came to ask you if that REALY was normal in the US, just as an afterthought, because she didn't believe it.

Of course we don't know how he felt/feels, but mayb he really got scolded that way... and since then he might simply be too embarrassed to be friendly with you. Sad, but a woman that age might have some standard about "going out" that is completely different from others.. My guess is she just left him feeling bad, that he dare not try being friendly with you :(

Thanks to everyone who answered so far.

I guess all that leaves now is, "What do I do next?"

"What do I do nex?t"

Focus on your job and try to avoid further drama in the workplace.

I don't think you did anything wrong, but if he is distancing himself from you, respect that. For you, this is a short-term job experience; for him, this is his career. He will stay there for a long time after you leave, and if there is some workplace dynamic that is causing him to get some heat or pressure from his colleagues about even creating the appearance of a possibly innappropriate relationship with you (innappropriate by their standards, not yours), he may have decided his best course of action is to back off.

Your antenna aren't geared to all of the unspoken yet mutually understood dynamics among your colleagues, so you trying to be proactive about this situation carries a risk of making a hash out of things and causing him a lot of personal and professional embarrassment. Especially in a small town.

It really is unfortunate, as this *is* my career, as well. I do have a teaching license and was hoping to stay with one BOE permanently.

But if small-town life is this complicated, and if I am not allowed to engage in conflict resolution then, you are right.

I guess all I can do is sit back and let him think I complained about him, and hope the situation improves on its own.

Conflict resolution is tricky in Japan unfortunately but in the meantime, as I said, try to make friends elsewhere or even take up some new hobbies. Just because you live in a small town, doesn't mean you have to live a small life.

Thanks, I am trying!

I have actually tried a few different resources (this site included) to make friends, but mostly everyone lives in the nearest big city, an hour and 1000 yen away. ;-; It gets expensive.

I just want to say to "A guy," this is her career, and I think her personal and professional life matters, too.


I guess our antennae are inferior to yours.

"A Guy" is quite right about the "career" issue. Whatever OP may think, her status as an outsourced ALT means she does not have a career at her school at this point. Her teaching license (I suppose from US) is irrelevant, for she has to be certified by an entity in Japan. Until that time, she is a temporary worker on a year-to-year contract with an outsourcing company, not the school board. On the other hand, her male colleague is a certified fulltime teacher. He has a career at the school. It is not a matter of being inferior or superior.

@gaijinxstrugglebus

I didn't say her personal or professional life doesn't matter. Since she subsequently said this is her career and also that she wants to stay with one Board of Education, that only makes it more important that she focus on her work and not risk tarnishing her professional image among her colleagues.

Her response indicated that she understood my point and agreed with it. Are you saying she should go ahead and mix up her personal and professional life? What exactly is your advice?

If you didn't mean anything rude by your comment, then it is what it is. But your first comment seemed more like a put-down than advice.

Oh and to that back-up troll:
You can get a direct hire with a BOE if you have a teaching license from your home country.

So, let's not make the issue about whether or not my status at the school matters. Because I will tell you straight up, my interaction with my school differs from most other ALTs' in that I visit the same school every day. So, in some form or another, it does matter. I will agree that I am definitely coming in and thinking "like an American," in regards to conflict resolution.

I did end up talking to a woman from my company last night, and she advised me that it's not a good idea to "just drop it." She agreed that some resolution needed to be reached, but was not sure what. She was concerned about whether or not this incident made me feel uncomfortable, and it was decided that, if the issue persists or worsens, I may have to alert my company.

Of course, the objective here isn't to try and tarnish anyone's life or career, it is just to find some sort of "band-aid" to put over the situation before it gets any more awkward, and before the students notice -- and trust me, some are noticing.

So, I guess that solves that, then. I'm going to continue to try and maintain some degree of professionalism -- you know, since I have a background in education, and I'm not just here on a short-term gig to pay back my student loans-- which includes not ignoring people, and being friendly to everyone, no matter what.


Thanks everyone. And let's just stop the Q&A right here, because it does seem like it's becoming a discussion about the validity of my job and status in Japan, versus a discussion about the issue itself. I already know I'm an ALT. I already know he's a teacher at the school. That's not the issue I laid out on the table, and I don't know if some of the posters realize how flippant their comments seem, and I don't care. I was seeking culturally sensitive resolutions to this issue, and about half of the posters did give me some great food for thought.

Now, let's lay he issue to rest.

Thanks!