Opinion from LDR from pros

I'm in a sort of not quite LDR with someone from a different continent. We're meeting shortly in Japan and well...the cards are stacked pretty high against us. Not to go into details of our sorrid situation (it's not an official relationship yet).

We've expressed our feelings for one another and all that. But I can tell based on my own feelings that this isn't going to go very well. I can't tell if these are feelings as a result of my own negativity surrounding men or if these are justified.

There is a 14 hour time difference between us. Needless to say, I don't get much sleep because I stay up texting him. We've been talking for a few months solid and I think we know each other pretty well. Here's the thing that really annoys me.

At the risk of sounding like a controlling girlfriend, I really like talking to him. I think more so than texting. I find texting to be very informal and I would have thought we would be past this stage. I feel like I always have to ask him to skype chat...and if it's always the same person that has to ask....well...it sort of loses it's meaning. I've told him on numerous occassions that I hate texting and would prefer to talk to him like a normal person. He says he gets it but soon after he falls into old habits again.

Last night I almost lost it when I asked him to skype, thinking we had at least an hour and a half to talk and did other things and when I wasn't ready just as of yet he said I was wasting time and he had to go do other stuff. Initially he said he wasn't going to go out shopping but later he conceded to go.

I'm irritated over the situation (last night just happened to be the last straw) that I'm always the one making sacrifices to stay up late to talk to him (some days I don't go to bed till 4 and I have to wake up at 8:30). He tells me I should sleep and all that, but when I'm talking to him I stay up late because I want to talk to him, it's not that I have to. Yet, he doesn't seem as vested in spending time to talk to me or make a better effort. We text sparringly throughout the day when he's at work but when he finishes work he has to unwind and then he can talk to me.

I'm going to be potentially going back to work very soon, so I won't be able to stay up till 4am to talk to him. At most, I'd have to go to bed three hours earlier. And while I know he'd be more than ok with it, it just irritates me beyond belief that he has this sort of "ok, whatever" type of attitude.

I've tried to break away several times and say it won't work out, but he says I should give it more time or that he's a bit of a loner and always has been. He says he cares for me, but the time we spend together is always compromised in some way, shape or form. He can't skype me on weekends because he claims he doesn't have "privacy" so I have to beg him to leave the house for a walk to talk to me. It gets very tiring after a while.

I'm sure there are some people out there that think I should leave, things will only get worse when we meet because then it'll be harder to let go.

He's talked about taking me to expensive restaurants, or buying me jewellery but all I want is his time. Which he replied "time is a finite resource" so maybe the writing is on the wall.

It sounds like you are more into him than he is you at this point of the relationship. Some advice is to slow things down a little.

You don't have to constantly be in communication, texting and skyping in every spare moment that you both have. That is maddening for anyone and will definitely not end well.

Relax, calm down, step back and communicate less. It'll make the time you do talk more engaging and enjoyable, while giving you time to analyze the situation and make better decisions about the relationship (and whether or not it should continue or not).

Above all else: do not sacrifice your life for the sake of the LDR. Don't let it interrupt your work/sleep/personal life that much! And he'll understand, or he isn't worth keeping around anyways!

I guess we could communicate less, and I've tried doing it a few times but I always give in when i see he sent me a message.

There are times when I think I should pack up and leave this relationship, but everytime I think about it I'm overcome with extreme sadness because I would miss him so.

I don't think two people should spend every waking moment texting and talking, but when the span of time that we can communicate is short, I find myself making sacrifices just so that we can spend time together

Invariably in the end, I'm doubtful our relationship can withstand the existential forces at play. If the tables were turned, would he forgo sleep to talk to me? Probably not. Sure he would say otherwise but it's doubtful. Still, it makes me feel a bit empty without him.

If you need to beg him to text you and show some initiative: that's not good enough. relationships don't work that way.

You probably wouldn't even want to be friends with a person like this. Only difference is that you have feelings for him and I understand why it's hard to give up. You want honest advice? If he's not giving you want you want/need then you should find someone else. Someone who's willing to work hard for you.

You said yourself that you are making sacrifices to be able to communicate with him. What's he sacrificing? Nothing? If it's all your doing, there's your answer.

Most the time I'd say I initiate messages back and forth. I've already told him I prefer to talk to him than text but sometimes it falls on deaf ears after a while.

On another thought, there are times when I may come off as very clingy. I like to spend alot of time interacting with him, this is to mitigate the lack of physical interaction we would otherwise have if we saw each other. So I try to look at it from both sides.

Then, it stopped and I noticed after I slept for a few hours and had to wake up, there was no message. Maybe he's sick of me. I've asked him directly a few times and he says he isn't. I guess for him, we've passed that "I can't get enough" stage whereas I'm still there. We've invested so much on an emotional level that it's hard to just walk away.

maybe he is busy and can't respond right away? It is often the case with Japanese guys.
My beloved one often messages me in the evening only, as he is busy whole day, even during the lunch time.

He's just not that into you. Move on.

himcia,

How do you make it work? I think going into this I thought it would be fine, but the cracks are starting to appear. I am saying things every few days that are somehow upsetting him. He won't tell me he's mad at me but actions speak louder than words.

Potatos
Take time-out for a week or three or a take a step back or three from that communication device
You have identified several red flags in your LDR and you have to decide if there's one too many.
Is any flag glowing red-hot (not with passion!) or shimmering beneath the surface?
Re-think (don't rationalize) if the LDR is one-sided and getting toxic by the day

We've invested so much on an emotional level that it's hard to just walk away
That's a sunk(en) cost fallacy (applies to financial as well as emotional investment)

Read up
http://youarenotsosmart.com/2011/03/25/the-sunk-cost-fallacy/

Love is a grave mental disease. -- Plato
Love is also a gamble so like a gambler
you must know when to hold or fold or walk away or run.
(Kenny Rodgers song - The Gambler)

I guess you pursue LDR to secure a better future in Japan with a Japanese spouse, otherwise focus on a S(short)DR
(in your neighbourhood - city or district or country) for your sanity

I recall another thread of a foreign lady who settled down in Japan for several years but encounter(?) poor acceptance by the Japanese spouse family
It's akin to emotional torture or death(of love) by a thousnad cuts.

Don't end up as mashed potato.