Saying negative things about husband/wife

I've been watching lots of TV lately and I've noticed that Japanese couples don't often compliment their spouse. Why is this? Is it because they're embarrassed on TV?

For example, when asked what's the secret to a happy marriage or what's good/attractive about their husband/wife, they often say things like, 'who knows', 'best to ignore each other', or 'she/he was the only one left', i.e. something really negative! I can never tell if they're joking or not...

They rarely say things like 'we love and respect each other', 'I was attracted to her/his kindness' or 'she/he's still beautiful/handsome to me'. Why not? Is romance dead in Japan?

Should I not look for a husband in Japan?! lol

For Japanese people, complimenting your spouse (or some other person who is close to you) is essentially the same thing as complimenting yourself, and is considered unsophisticated and pretentious. Saying disparaging things like that is the norm, but this is all just for show, they aren't really that mean.

More precisely, complimenting your spouse (or some other person who is close to you) in public, or more generally when talking to someone who is exterior to your family.

See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uchi-soto

Yes, and their son, daughter and pets too.

Because "I love my family" is very private, it sounds selfish in Japanese. People sometimes say "my daughter is so lovely" in the form of a joke.
"my stupid wife" or "my idiot son" is just a fixed phrase, no one take it seriously.

In Japan, you may want to praise in this order.
strangers, acquaintance, your company, your friends, your pets, your family, yourself.

So if you call boss using polite expressions in your office, to other company, you should call your boss without an honorific title.

Apparently, you haven't been living with a typical Japanese spouse for more than a decade.

Surely, there is a certain percentage of Japanese couples who speak along the lines of "We love each other." More presicely, the English word "love" doesn't really translate as "aishiteiru," so people usually say things like "omoiyari (caring for each other)" "taisetsu ni suru (respect the other)" which is basically "love" in Japanese.

That said, the Japanese aren't generally educated to maintain their marriage with words, affection, gifts and anniversaries. The younger generation is more like that, but for the older generation, the generation that have been married for some time now, expect that true love is to be felt instead of expressed.

But two people coming from different families always have some kind of a culture gap. You may think that international marriage is filled with that, but oh no, J to J marriage is just as packed with culture gap as an international one. So quite often, you end up hurting your spouse feelings when all you intended was to care for her/him.

Therefore, you very often find yourself at ease when you ignore your spouse. You just have to try it to know it. It works. And some may think that ignoring the other is the first step to divorce or hatred. Well, sometimes it is. But ignoring him/her, and letting it be, can be another form of love.

When love becomes egoistic, you expect more from your spouse, and when that expectation is not granted you start hating that spouse. But by letting it go, you won't have to get irritated and therefore remember that you love the person inside of him/her, not that guy/girl who is putting beer on your magazine that you were just reading.

So long story short, when local viewers see on TV people saying, 'who knows', the viewer would typically think, "Yeah, marriage is full of mysteries and adventures." And if they're saying, 'best to ignore each other', the viewer would think, "Yup, that works." And if they're saying, 'she/he was the only one left', the viewer would think, "Well, and you seem to be the lucky person who's been with that leftover for more than a couple of decades!" And the viewer would think, "I guess it's not just me."

Uco, thank you for sharing your thoughts, so well written and with so much wisdom. Have to agree with you, mutual love and respect doesn't always need to be expressed as those can be felt on the inside. There is no point arguing about the little things, there are more important things in life :-) always enjoy reading your posts!

Well after reading that I hope I'll never be old!

I am originally from southwestern France and in my youth older couples didn't pay too many compliments to one another, that's for sure!

But then many marriages had been arranged by the families.

The only maternal great-grandma I knew (she lived to 100, so I knew her well) married at 16 with a 32 years old man she barely knew.

She only knew an area within a radius of 30 km around her native village, while he had travelled around the world for many many years and even worked for a while in the French President palace in Paris.

From the wedding day on she was his boss,then she bossed the whole extended family, neighbours etc.
her besotted husband took her to Paris to see the then new Eiffel tower, and took her to the Elysee palace.
When their children were young he fed them, washed them etc.while she slept, then brought her breakfast in bed..quite unusual for the late 19th century..

Great-grandma was smart and witty, amusing adults with her repertory of naughty stories that, at first glance, sounded like very serious tales (so much for being educated in a Catholic boarding school!)

She arranged the marriages of both her daughters then of my future parents. She often apologized to my maternal grandpa.. "I am sorry I married you to my stupid daughter, you are such a nice sweet man"...

Grandma was not stupid, but nasty to her husband..and to many people, though she truly feared her mom, even when both were old.
Yet grandpa loved her until his very last breath..
The way he looked at her, even in his old age, was both touching and sad, as she paid no attention to him..

The discussion is extremely interesting! I have never thought that a concept of marriage and relations between spouses can vary so much in different countries. I have been to islamic countries and slavic counries and I compared what I learned with what I knew about a perfect marriage in USA and Great Britain. it's not only about religious peculiarities , but also about mentality and historical development: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_the_United_States, https://mymagicbrides.com/blog/lets-consider-what-a-perfect-marriage-i...