Host family problem

Hello. I was wondering if I could get some opinions on this problem.

So I'm currently doing a full year exchange program in Japan, and so far I've been living with my host family for about 3 months. Well, I feel like I'm not doing well within the family.

To start, while I am getting along with my host father and brothers, I've been having a strained relationship with my host mother. While she is generally nice, I've noticed that she can not only be sassy and rude to me, but also just mean. She has communicated to me that she is tired of having to teach me how to cut vegetables ( the way she wants them cut) or how to clean ( the way she wants it cleaned). While I'm trying my best to remember everything, she then keeps telling me to speak more Japanese. I understand that speaking the language with improve it for me but at times I'm shy and embarrassed because I'm not that good at it.

I've just been having a horrible time here due mainly to her. Is there any advice as to what I should do? I almost feel like ending my year program short because of her but I really want to stay in Japan and learn more.

Have you tried asking the other family members with whom you get along better to serve as mediators? In fact, have you talked to them about your concerns at all? They can probably give you better advice than people on the Internet.

Sorry to hear of what's happening. Sounds a bit like when a wife is trying to get her husband to do more housework, and though he does help, she wants it "her" way and complains about the way he does things... it sounds like she is demanding though you are doing your best, while trying to learn the language.

There is no way that you can do things completely "her" way - she has her established routine that she built over the years, and wants to see things done that way in her household :)

Does she ever drop those comments when the other family members are around? Involving the others would be a good way, but you wouldn't want to give her the impression that you "snitched" on her. So maybe, maybe, you are washing up in the kitchen with her with other family member(s) present, she complains, then you can apologize in a voice others would hear too, so that they might come and see what has happened. I hope things turn for the better.

Thank you all for the advice.

When it comes to addressing the problems with the others, from what I witnessed they just ignore it. For example, when my host mother was complaining to me about having to repeat herself, not using enough Japanese, etc. I was crying but I noticed that my host brothers were looking at me and stopped talking, but they did nothing. The same went with my host father too. I understand why the boys wouldn't say anything because of their age ( 9 and 5) but my host father didn't really help at all. In fact, he's kinda doing the same thing, just not in a mean, rude way.

Ummm. She complains to the extent to make you cry? That is bad.

Then you might have to stand up for yourself and say simply that you are doing your best, and you apologize "if" that does not meet their expectations (satisfy them), and just leave it as that.

Jibun ga dekiru besuto wo tsukushite imasu. (I'm doing the best I can.)
Sore demo, manzoku shite moraenai nara gomennasai! (Even if that does not satisfy you, sorry!)
Kore ijou ima wa dekimasen. (I can't do any more/better than this for now.)

Or...
Jibun no yarikata de sasete kudasai. (Please let me do it my way)
...when it comes to doing the housework. I know it takes some courage to say this, but I think there might come a point when you have to say something along that line.


Is there any way you can contact the exchange organizer to ask them to be placed with another family? I have heard of a case where a Japanese exchange student went on a program to the States, but the host family treated her bad (beyond what you are going through, though, from her description), so she demanded to be placed with another family.

An intolerant mom ruling the house is not conducive to learning... :(

Hmm, I suppose the guys in the house have come to learn that ignoring is the best way to keep peace within that mother's home.

I agree that you should talk to your organizer about this. Have you also discussed it with friends or teachers at your school in Japan? That's what I would suggest if you were the real child of this mother. And teachers in Japan are supposed to listen to their students' family problems as well.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you :)

Thank you all, once again for the excellent advice.

I am going to speak to my organizer about the situation. I don't know what can be done, other than 'try and get over it' since there's no abuse happening but I'll do the best I can.

On another note, I was wondering if anyone knew about social behavior in Japan. What I mean is how do people, in Japan react to awkward or sad conversations, in general?

The problem I had recently with my organizer was that she was supposedly giggling at me while I was bursting into tears. To explain, the first time I actually had cried, or bawled my eyes out in Japan was when my organizer had told me all the problems that was going on within my host family, such as behavior and language. Well, during the conversation she kept looking at me and giggling, because by this point I was in tears. That incident had made me feel sad and awkward to talk to her, since I don't know if she found the situation funny or not?

It's really difficult to know what's going on without being there, knowing her/them, and knowing you, but have you tried to talk to her or your host father about it?

You say you've cried in front of your host father, but crying in front of him is not the same as talking to him. Have you tried talking to him or her?

Also, how is she with the rest of the family? Do they have to adhere to her strict way of doing things? Do you see her scold them Do you notice that they are able to do things her way or do you feel they fail to do things her way but can get away with it?

Sometimes host mothers feel that being strict about things like speaking Japanese and abiding by "Japanese culture" will teach them valuable lessons and help them to improve both their language and cultural appropriateness. It's possible that she feels she is doing you a favor that you will "appreciate later". In that case, she may not be moved by tears.

The father's silence could mean a number of things. If the mother rules everyone with an iron fist, then he may just be towing the line. Even if that's not the case, though, it's still a sticky spot to be in, because he wouldn't want to make her look like she's mean and unreasonable by going behind her back and telling you to ignore her...

As others have suggested though, it seems worth talking about. You can explain that you ARE trying and that you DO want to do things right but that you feel that you are constantly criticized without praise and it's making you feel like they only see you as a burden.

Do think ahead of time about how to approach the subject. You should avoid accusations, because you don't yet know how they feel, so accusing her of something is not going to be good for discussion. It will also help so that you don't come across as simply "emotional".

Most issues between host families and students arise due to lack of communication. The sooner they are brought up and addressed, the better the chances are of there being ways to deal with them and move on.

I was wondering if anyone knew about social behavior in Japan.

Well, as a Japanese I can't say it was ideal of your organizer to be giggling at a you when you were being very serious about it.

But I can guess that she was giggling in the sense that a mother might giggle at a baby when the baby is crying but is now safe in the mother's hands. Kind of like the "It's okay now. You don't have to cry anymore" tone.

In general, the Japanese tend to smile in sad situations more than say the Americans might. Most people don't do it on purpose, but it's sort of their unconscious way of trying to lighten up the situation while tears can create a very heavy mood. I think the 19th century novelist Lafcadio Hearn was also shocked about the Japanese smiling in pain until he discovered the true meaning of that smile, so I suppose there is indeed a tendency that is different from the West.

Next time, you may want to ask if there are "more than one orginizer" who you can speak to. You can tell them that you "found it difficult to express yourself" in front of the previous organizer. And again, you always have alternatives such as your school teacher or your local city hall which usually have foreign language services.

I think Japanese people laugh, smile or giggle when things are awkward for them and they don't know what to do. Several times I've burst into tears as a foreigner in a difficult situation and those people around me tend to laugh. They're not laughing at you, they're just embarrassed because they don't know how to react or what they can do to help. So please don't think they're laughing at you, it's just a way that some Japanese people - particularly younger women - react to unexpected situations.

I'm sorry to say I can't give you much advice as I don't have a host family, but I really feel for you because it sounds like it's ruining your entire experience of Japan. I think family members tend to 'tolerate' the behaviour of their relatives and not really say anything even if they disagree with it. Japanese people generally are far less direct than us Westerners and shy away from voicing their opinions if they think it might lead to conflict. The sons are reluctant to get involved because it's their mother and in Japan young people must show their elders respect. So unfortunately you're unlikely to get back up from anyone even if they secretly agree with you.

Your basic options are either a) to switch off from your host family and distance yourself emotionally from them, focusing on spending time outside their house or b) talk to her about it. Most people in Japan avoid having frank or direct conversations but as a guest in their home they should be making you feel welcome, if you're so upset that you want to go home then you should let them know this. If you do talk to her, try to be humble about it, say things like 'I'm sorry you are disappointed in me but I am trying my best' and 'Japanese takes many years to learn, please be patient with me'.

On a side note I really don't know why they put their name down for being a host family if they aren't willing to adapt to having a foreigner in their home and treat them with respect! Maybe it's their first time being a host family and they're still learning what to do!

Hi again.

Long story short, I suggest you try to talk to the sons and father about it, while trying to talk to those outside the family.

But I don't necessarily agree to the other poster about the sons showing "their elders respect." On the contrary, I feel that a lot of people, especially males, tend to "stay away from trouble" so-to-speak.

To me, the mother sounds like a sort of a perfectionist. You don't really want to argue with these people, because no matter what you say they try to make it the way they want it to be and you can't really change them. It's often better to leave them as they are and seek happiness in other areas. I feel that this tendency exists in all parts of the world.

But in truth, I'm pretty sure the others (sons and father) feel the way you do. So while you may not be able to change the mother, by talking to the men you will probably know that you are not alone. You may even be able to gather tips from the men on how to handle the situation.

On a side note I really don't know why they put their name down for being a host family if they aren't willing to adapt to having a foreigner in their home and treat them with respect!

My perspective is a little different. The OP does suggest that both mother and father try to encourage the OP to adapt to Japan, because that's what she's supposed to be here for. And the OP seems to be okay with the way the father does it. So it makes sense that this family is hosting a foreign student. I also think that the mother enjoys educating her foreign family. Perhaps we can say that it's like there are harsh teachers and gentle teachers. They're both willing educaters, but end up being unfortunate for some students.

As suggested by the OP, I'm also assuming that this mother as well as the father are used to dealing with pre-adolescent sons, and the OP seems to be a more grown girl, which is the reason I'm suggesting the OP to talk to her own teachers and organizers who may be able to give advice to the mother.

she, the host mother, is unnecessarily making efforts to teach you Japan.
host family have two sons, 5 and 9 yrs old. probably, you are around 15 yrs old. I think host family has no experience to raise a girl of your age.
it is very hard to solve the problem. I am afraid that any kinds of arguments, to any persons, will create a new problem.

avoid arguments. find out a reason to change host family to another one, not telling the truth.