Black woman curious about japanese guy

I'm currently studying abroad in Japan. I am having a great time. Being a black woman, I get a lot of stares and curious questions but I still really like it here. I have recently met a very cute and very nice Japanese guy who attends a prominent University in Tokyo. He and I were clubbing with mutual friends, ended up staying out all night together and going for breakfast in the morning. I want to hang out with him again but he told me he is going to be very busy because it is currently recruiting season in Japan and he needs to find a job before he graduates from Uni. I am curious on how to go about pursuing him, i don't want to be too direct but I would love to hang out with him when he is not busy. Any advice?

be brave and bold, what have you got to lose. it is no good admiring someone if it is not returned.

send an email explaining your ideas, or a hand written letter.
good luck.

Just send him an email saying you had fun hanging out with him and would like to do it again. Or just send a friendly "How's the job hunt going" type email then slip in a "when are you free?" type of line.

Glad to hear you're having fun out there. I say go for it, it wouldn't hurt to try. Out of curiosity though, have you ever dated a Japanese man?

My boyfriend is Japanese and for the first few months I learned many things about Japanese culture that just turned me off to Japanese men and the culture in general. But, we were able to get over the majority of our differences and are in a very happy, and serious relationship. I also am an african(american) female. My boyfriend (and his J friends) don't seem to care about race, and like me very much. I'm sure you'll have no problem getting a guy.
Just watch what you're getting into! :)

Wow, thanks for the kind responses. I have never dated a J-man before so it will be a new experience. What kind of cultural differences did you face Niko-chan??

Hi Niko-chan. I'm curious too about what you learned that turned you off of Japanese men for a while. My boyfriend is Japanese and we have been having problems lately with relationship expectations, and I don't know if it's cultural or just him (I'm about 100% sure that he has Asperger's syndrome). I'm so frustrated and am sadly wondering whether I should continue on with him. We've been together for about nine months now and the first six months were really great, and then things changed almost overnight. Your insight will be really helpful to me because people tell me "Japanese have much different expectations for relationships" or like my sister in law's stepmother (who is Japanese) said that Japanese men are horrible in relationships--but no one can ever give me specific information.

Age and how much time he's lived in his country and (assuming) yours or another western one. True, Japanese men don't typically make the best partners in the western women's ideal. The purpose of marriage in old-school Japan was nothing more than a business arrangement. So if he's even slightly hinted at wanting such a relationship, then I can understand your anguish.

There are numerous articles to check out online. Especially since there's been this small movement in Japan, which has just received international attention where some Japanese husbands are joining clubs and pledging to treat their wives and children more affectionately. From the J-men I know and particularly my own guy, it's hard to describe the things they do that pisses women/me off. But here goes:
*Their aloofness, seems like inconsideration.
*Salary-men tend to be a bit more committed to their jobs than their relationships.

Sometimes I turn to my guy and think "what an aho!" Yet knowing that he loves me calms me down. At times I address the incident that seemed rude, though mostly I let it slide. Since they are programmed differently. IMO it's because most J-men aren't raised in a society that revers women the way for example that a French society would. Ganbatte.

Should Read;

IMO it's because most J-men aren't raised in a society that does not revers women the way for example that a French society would. ...

Spunkalunk,
funny that you should mention the French! My family is French (although our mother tongue isn't French but one of France's numerous regional languages). All the marriages in our extended family but also in many of the families we knew were arranged. The man was expected to be the master of the house no matter what. There wasn't much loving communication between any of the couples in my family and all the ones we knew far and wide. Both men and women tried to spend as much of their free time as possible with same sex friends and relatives. The husbands often had girl friends but weren't anymore romantic with them than with their wives. Some of the women in the family were actually the bosses but let the husbands believe that they were, then made fun of them in their back. My older siblings also had arranged marriages, and later on so did my nieces and nephews!!! I find that the French have a lot in common with the Japanese! Now it is true that French men, like Italians etc. are often very charming with any woman,young and old, as long as it isn't their wife,but it is all a big act to make them-the men--look good. I was taught by all the men in the family what to say to flatter women, how to flirt with them etc. starting at 15. When I was old enough I went through the motions (flirting is fun for both parties but isn't supposed to lead anywhere). My dad, uncles,their buddies etc. spent way more time teaching me and my brothers the most important things in life: hunting, fishing, playing rugby etc. and I have great memories of the days spent in the woods, by the river etc. doing men things.
eventually it became my turn to marry someone I had never met...but I ran away. I have no problems with Japanese men myself by the way.

should your relationship go further, you might be a bit disapointed in the more intimate aspect of this union. physically, the japanese are on the smaller scale in comparission. they also seem to shy away from affection when not in the throws of passion.

Hi Maarten,

We've already progressed to the things that you're referring to, and what you say about size is true. However, I'm not at all disappointed in that.

And thank you for pointing out your observation that J-men are kind of cool unless in the throes of passion. My guy is this way too. It keeps me nice and confused. Since you say that it's a tendency among J-men, maybe I can stop blaming myself and not take it so personally.

Thanks,
JLo

Hey Spunkalunk,

He's 40, I'm 35. I'm from the United States and he lives here too--he's been living here for about 18 years.

He has been mentioning marriage and children with me since the beginning of our relationship, which was something I really wanted to hear. Now I'm not so sure. I'm very confused right now.

Can you give me links to some of the articles you're talking about? I've read the one about men joining clubs to learn how to be better partners and companions to their wives, but not much else except weird things like how men practice being good lovers with online computer-generated women, or how they like these realistic life-sized anatomically correct female dolls. But that doesn't give me practical information, it's more of an "OMG, really?!" type of thing.

It's also hard for me to describe what bothers me and I don't want to come across as slamming J-men. But, here are some things that come to mind. I'll try to be brief:

1. Like you said, aloofness. That is unless he's feeling frisky, and then he'll be so adoring and close and loving. But otherwise he almost never gives me nice warm hugs or holds my hand or tells me I look pretty.
2. Passiveness - he frequently talks about marrying me and having children with me, but hasn't done anything to cement that.
3. Selfishness - work & hobbies are first and second priorities in his life, I come after that. If we make plans together and he breaks them by sleeping late, for instance, he will say it's because he feels like we're close enough that he can cut himself some slack with me.
4. Complains a lot - especially about living in the U.S., stupidity of American people, "low quality" of American women in general, etc.
5. Indecisiveness - he is completely unable to plan anything, although that might be an Asperger's thing (executive dysfunction). As an example: he wants to get married, but doesn't want to get engaged till I meet his family in Japan, but we can't go to Japan because he needs to use that time to go to Canada to look for jobs, but he hasn't applied for jobs in Canada yet because he's working on finishing some projects for his resume, but those projects never get finished because he doesn't have enough time or resources to work on them, and he would marry me right now if he didn't have obligations to take care of his family, but he can't take care of his family until he gets a job in Canada and can move them there...
6. Controlling.

I would love some opinions on whether these are typical of J-men or not.

I have no doubt that my boyfriend really loves me and cares for me very deeply. And I love and care for him very deeply too. However, I am at the age where I know that sometimes love isn't always enough, and I need to know how to evaluate what's happening between us.

Please know that I am not a mean and critical person, I am a good and loving and thoughtful, affectionate person. I give him lots of freedom to do what he needs to take care of his soul, because I need the freedom to do that too.

When I began to suspect he has Asperger's, I started reading forums like this and was amazed at how exactly my experience corresponded with other partners of Aspies. It was like a huge burden had been lifted from me because I could look at the things he did and not take them personally anymore because I had some understanding. That's kind of what I'm hoping for here in learning more about what J-men are like in relationships, in general. I can't find specific info anywhere.

Thanks a bunch,
JLo

The first 5-6 months of our relationship were so different than they are now. If I'd known how much things would change, I might have been more wary about becoming so attached.

I can totally relate to your post. My bf's behaviour is similar in many ways. Especially point 1 to 3 sound much like him. He usually doesn't break promises he has made with me though. Which means if we decide to go on a date he won't call it off randomly. Loose agreements don't count for him though. He might cancel them without even telling me. And of course I shouldn't try to rely on his common sense (like when we have just a weekend together I better tell him I want to be alone with him or we might end up spending the day with his friends).

His selfishness is really hard for me to tolerate. I always give him all the space he wants. He has plenty of it anyway because we're in an LDR. But he doesn't know how to compromise when it comes to his hobbies at all. It really shocks me how he has no problem to even further reduce the little time we have together. For example I come to Japan for a few weeks just to see him even though I know he has to work all day. But I still have the weekends to look forward to, or so I think. And I expect he feels the same only to find out later that he has cancelled our plans (which I didn't mark as definite dates obviously) because he rather wants to take part in a few sports competitions which he a.) can do all year and b.) nobody asks him to do.

Point 4 doesn't apply to him because he lives in Japan. Actually I'm the one who is really fed up sometimes with the Japanese way of doing some thing or another. But I don't complain much and definitely not about Japanese people in general.

Point 5 and 6 are not an issue in our relationship fortunately.

I could add though that he is unable to handle conflicts. It's hard for him to accept my point of view if I don't agree with him on something (even if it's as simple as how to treat a cold).

I too know that he loves me and he shows me he cares about me. He's not even afraid to hold hands or hug in public. But he can be so ignorant of my other needs (like communication, or the feeling that I'm not just no. 3 or 4 on his importance list etc.) that it really gives me headaches sometimes.

This is interesting because i am a African American girl going out with a Japanese guy and we are running into some problems that can become problematic as well. Yet, mine are little different. We are both young and we have been in a LDR for about going on 9 months now. But it's interesting because HE is actually too clinging at times and he expects too much from me (im a bit younger than him) relationship-wise, money-wise, and a couple of other things. I even asked him if he was okay with this and being in a LDR and he had no problem. I dont see him barely, but he texts me everyday and he is very loving but sometimes it gets overbearing sometimes. Its a pet-peeve of mine.
He also has a jealous problem which is another and i remember at the beginning of our relationship he would question me about the guys who would message me on mixi and the my guy friends. We've gotten past the BIG issue but it's starting to resurface.

I dont know if its a thing with Japanese guys, but he is very insecure about himself. He is also somewhat selfish and needs to accept that i need my space, as i like to have it. The whole "Japanese guy showing no love" or they are not romantic, is not the case w/ my guy. I've actually never been w/ someone so affectionate, but at times i can hint that. Also, he doesnt follow the whole typical Japanese man stereotype i guess you can say. He is very open and determined to reach his goals and thats one of the main reasons why i love him. He also holds my hands and is all lovely dovey in public, but that was when he visited me here in the states. I dont know if it'll be different when i go there so I will find out when i go out there this summer. I doubt it but you never know.

One thing i worry about is that he is currently job-hunting and once he finds a job, he'll take more interest in his work than me and that will be a dramatic change, seeing as though he even claimed me as being his top priority and he showers me with attention. And it's common to miss that, so I am dreading that very much. As much as I know he loves me and I love him , i cant help think something might happen that we'll prevent me from keeping the relationship going, whether it's his expections (now and the future), distance (i'll be in college and working in the states while he's in Japan. Can we say busy, much?) or just us in general. He's a good guy, a rare kind at that but i think his jealousy and high expectations are going to get the best of us.

I wish you all good luck in your relationships!

-_-'' well.. my friend is asian and.. i asked her if it's possible for a japanese guy to like a black girl. she told me that most japanese guys prefer japanese girls. from some articles ive read and things ive seen.. its kinda true what my friend said. i really would love to date one.. but -_- i sometimes lose hope becuz im not japanese... what should i do =|

Sounds like a last fling before he enters the real working world. Kind of like a bachelors party. After he finds work, he will be married to his job.

Your presumption is a good one but I higly doubt that a young guy in Uni is going to save up a truckload of money over a long period of time so that he can visit someone half way across the world when he could be rather using the money on paying his tuition fees etc. Plus wouldn't it just be a waste of his time to send her texts everyday [in a 9 month relationship] which again probably isn't that cheap?
Plus ontop of that if he was using her, I think it would be over by now seeing as he's already visited her once and most likely by the time they see each other again, he will be signed up for a job if not employed already.
Don't worry Momo. I'm sure your guy isn't that shallow in any case =]

Can you explain the sentense that "J-men are kind of cool unless in the throws of passion"? Million thanks.

I have a difficult with my J-guy relationship as well. Recently I cried and so confused. I'm thinking a lot how should I go on this kind of relationship. I'd like to understand him better. So please give me advise.

My J-guy's 40, I'm 30. I'm from Asian country and he's been stayed here. We didn't live together, different place 1 hr far away. Previously we worked same place and dated not so often but this seemed ok for me since we've seen everyday at work anyways.I retired last month and he promised to come to see me, but he broke it for twice as the reason that he had work. I was so sad and thought too much whether because of something had changed or i did something wrong so he didn't come to see me.

But when i read your post I had more understanding that this is j-guy neatural. i have more calm.

Your boyfriend takes part in sports competitions instead of spending time with you, while you can be just some few weeks in Japan????

I'm sorry, but this made me as angry as never before!!!!

If he were my boyfriend I'd have already dumped him!
Really I'm very much appreciating you that you can be so very tolerant in this case!!!
His behaviour would give me the feeling, that I'm not in the least important to him.
I don't want a man, to whom I'm just in place 3 or 4...
That's not the sense of a relationship, really, in this case he should be less egoistic and care for you more.
Culture differences off or on, in this case it's no culture difference for me anymore.
It simply seems to be his egoism.

He has no respect, making no time for you, where you make so much time for him (you said, you give him the freedom he wants - but making no time he gives you too much freedom in a way, right?)!
And it's very impolite, too...

You seem to love each other, but really, such a thing shouldn't happen, especially not in a LDR.
Either in future you have to mark the weekends you're in Japan as dates to him, so that he won't leave you for any of his hobbies or....

You know, what I'd do if I were you (lucky him, that I'm not you)...
Any lifeform on this earth being to treat me like that would get a big: NO!

My gosh, I'm sorry, I'm so annoyed right now!!!!

I really hope you get to work this out together and that I understood it wrong and his behaviour is just an exeption, just an example that happens sometimes but not often (oh, I'd really hope so).... *sigh* ^^;;;;;

I'm really sorry if that all sounded too harsh!!!!
Wish you the best of luck!!

To Mei,

I was addressing the OP when I made my comments. They are both in Japan.