My girlfriend and affection

I'm an American guy having trouble with the cultural relationship differences between me and my live-in Japanese girlfriend. I understand that saying "I love you" is difficult for Japanese people and it even sounds meaningless if you say it too much. I understand that verbalizing feelings in general is somewhat rare. But what I don't understand is how she seems to want me to basically leave her alone most of the time, finding my own things to do when we're together at home and not focusing too much on her. My idea of a relationship is sharing time together. I sense her wanting to eventually sleep in her own bed, and she seems bothered when I pay her compliments or greet her warmly when I come home from work. I'm accustomed to physical intimacy and displays of affection being good things -- things that most women want and don't get enough of from their partners. I want to respect her culture and try to understand it, but I also need a certain amount of affection to feel like I'm in a romantic relationship. Any thoughts?

Being independent or compliments all the time is very depend on the person itself, so need a lot some don't. Yes, western cultural tents to show their feeling a lot more.

From what your saying I think their is something wrong what you r doing to her. u said "physical intimacy and displays of affection being good things -- things that most women want and don't get enough of from their partners." that is so wrong, I don't know where you get that idea from. You only looking from the guys view. Girls don't work the same way. Maybe you asking her too many times a week or your doing something she don't like in the process. She don't dare to say it to u cuz its ur cultural its normal and u think this is the problem cuz of her cultural. I think you just need to ask her how come she doesn't like you touching her. The questions u ask here all can answer by her, why not ask her? Asking her doesn't make her dislike u, cuz she knows their is culture differences from day one.

It will help more if you can tell us more detail about urself. Like how long you guys been living together and how long dated before moving into living together.
What age group you goes belong to? And how many times you being dated?

Sorry to hear about your situation, but it doesn't sound great to me. The one best piece of advice about relationships I've ever received is that if someone likes you they'll come to you, just because they want to be near you.
Applying that logic it sounds like you really like this girl, you want to be near her, but maybe she doesn't feel it to the same degree?
All this stuff about not wanting to be overtly affectionate, and not wanting to be crowded, well that makes sense to me when you're dating someone, and going to restaurants or movies together, but not when you're living together. That's when it's all about affection and being together.
I'm sure there are people out there who live together without being too near to each other but that doesn't sound like love to me.
Sorry not to be more positive, maybe you need to find out what she wants from the relationship, just in case it doesn't match what you want, but I dont't think you should be doubting yourself for loving her.

Wait a minute, your girlfriend doesn't mind that you come home and do things separately, spend some time away from each other, and enjoy your own leisure activities?
You probably need to stop complaining and marry her.

In seriousness though.. of course I don't know anything about you other than what you typed in your post here but... no offense but your post makes you sound really clingy. Its not really just a Japanese thing.. most women of any culture probably don't want their boyfriend/spouse attached to them 24/7.

Sounds like she wants some free time, to herself. I've been married to a Japanese woman for a long time, and have children. Couples occasionally need free time, away from each other. I love my wife but we both need free time occasionally. She feels the exact same way, which is why we work together so well.

So sometimes I do my own thing, she does hers. And many other times, we do things together.

Your girlfriend seems to want to just relax in your home together, and do separate activities, while feeling comfortable that you are living together in the same home.. sounds pretty nice to me man.

Being together all the time, expressing emotions, public displays of affections, all the stuff that you are saying you want/need sounds like the kinds of things people do most in the very beginning of a relationship. Of course, it always continues as the relationship goes on, but its not quite needed as much. I'm just assuming that you've been together with this woman for a decent amount of time since your living together.

What you describe as a situation that you don't like in your relationship.. actually sounds like a pretty typical long-term relationship to me...

You might be making too much of nothing.

It sounds more like differences between her personal style and your personal style rather than a cultural issue. The things you describe don't sound typically Japanese, unless there is some major cultural misunderstanding going on.

If this is a long-term relationship (i.e., you have been dating/living together for around two years or more), and her behavior has become like this recently, then frankly, it sounds like she is mad at you. (The tipoff being she wants you to leave her alone at home, and this passage: "she seems bothered when I pay her compliments or greet her warmly when I come home from work." That doesn't seem normal at all for anyone, Japanese or not.) The only positive thing about her being mad at you is it may be possible to get her to communicate about what she is upset about, and find out if there is anything you can do to work on to repair the relationship.

What do you mean when you say she wants you to leave her alone and do your own thing at home? There aren't a whole lot of things for a couple to do at home together besides eat meals, have a cup of coffee and chat, watch TV, hang out in the same room while reading or doing a hobby, doing housecleaning/laundry/cooking together, bathing together, sex, and sleeping.

If she objects to things like eating together, then either she is really, really, really mad at you, or she is just not suited to a live-in relationship with you. In that last case, I think you would probably be better off ending the relationship.

If it is something like, you invite her to watch a TV program together and she never is interested in doing so (or you invite her to do something else and she would rather watch TV) or some other entertainment/passive activity that you want her to join you in and she doesn't, then it is likely a question of you two having different ideas in what is entertaining or interesting. Language can also be a factor. You may think some DVD of your favorite English-language TV show is the greatest thing ever, but she may not understand English well enough to enjoy it, or may not get the cultural references, or may just think TV in general is a waste of time. If this sort of sounds like it might be your situation, I think you have to respect that she has different tastes and ideas of what is interesting. If sharing these things is really important to you, you will either have to compromise more or look for a new relationship.

If she doesn't like being in the same room with you while reading/relaxing or doing her hobby, she just might need a lot more alone time than you are used to, or (and don't take this personally, I don't know you), you might be a difficult person to relax with for her. While she is reading or working on a hobby, do you keep trying to ask her questions or start a conversation, and she doesn't respond much? Some people need a constant stream of conversation, and some people find the same thing very stressful or irritating, and just want to be allowed to focus on what they are doing. If this sounds like it might be part of the problem, then you just have to give her more space, there is not much you can do to change her need for downtime. Giving her more space and alone time will allow her to "recharge," and once she feels she is being allowed to do that, she will be better able to deal with you. The two of you might just have very different ideas of how much time to spend together.

If the problem is along the lines of you want to help her do housework or laundry or cook or whatever, and she is resistant, while many women would LOVE the help, it might be that she wants to do it her way or that she feels you do it poorly or get in the way or something or she just likes the alone time, and finds your efforts to help exasperating. If that is the case, it is kind of like she feels you are intruding on her territory. If this is the case, count your lucky stars and let her do things the way she wants.

If you are really referring to problems in the bedroom, it could be a lot of things, ranging from fatigue to little interest in or need for sex on her part to dissatisfaction with your performance/style or hygiene. (Again, I am only throwing possibilities out there, not trying to blame you or attack you.) Without more detail (and I don't mean that in a sleazy way), it is hard to know what to tell you here.

If it is a question of her just not wanting to sleep in the same room with you,
maybe you snore, or steal the blankets. Or maybe you want to cuddle while sleeping and she wants her freedom of movement or wants to stay cooler. Sometimes, a couple works perfectly well during the daytime, but do not "get along" while sleeping. Separate beds/futon might be a good solution in this case.

Maybe she is just unhappy with the circumstances of your relationship. Is she at home all day while you work? Maybe she wants to be working, too, but feels you expect her to be like a stay-at-home housewife. Maybe she is just bored. Maybe she wants out of the relationship but doesn't know how to do it or have the courage to leave.

If this is a relatively new relationship, and you think her behavior is probably pretty typical for her as an individual, then I think you are going to be dissatisfied with this relationship in the long run. It just sounds like a fundamental lack of getting along.

If you want to describe the situation in more detail, such as how old you guys are, whether this is your first live-in relationship, and specific examples of the types of situations that represent the problem, I might be able to give you more helpful adivce.

But in the end, you really will be better off if you can communicate better with her. Don't be accusatory ("You never want to spend time with me"), frame it in terms of you being concerned that she is unhappy with you or the relationship, and you want to work on making things better, or at least better understanding what she wants and needs. Don't be surprised if she denies their is a problem, or insists that everything is fine. Don't corner her or try to force the conversation, but if she doesn't offer any constructive information, back off and try to bring it up again in the same nonaccusatory way the next time there is a concrete occurrence of the type of interaction (or lack thereof) that is bothering you.

If despite your best efforts at trying to get her to coomunicate about the problem she just will not talk, and if this is a big problem for you, then it just might mean you need to look for another relationship.

The way you describe the relationship in your first post, it is hard to see what she gets out of the relationship other than a place to live (not meaning to be crass or implying anything about what she wants from you.) What brought you guys together in the first place?

Let me repeat, it really doesn't sound like a cultural thing (unless it is a result of her ongoing unhappiness with cultural misunderstandings between the two of you). In other words, I don't think her behavior sounds typical for a Japanese woman at home under normal circumstances. There are plenty of Japanese women who enjoy small signs of affection, compliments, and hanging out together at home. (Of course not *all* the time, but I don't think there is any culture where husband and wife hanging out all the time is the desired norm.)

You things you describe as wanting and that you feel are lacking in your relationship do not sound outrageous. I am sure you can find a woman who wants a similar type of home atmosphere if you can't work things out with your current girlfriend.

Good luck in working things out, or in moving on, whatever is best.

Yeah, I concur with above folks that this doesn't sound cultural, just personal. I'm a non-Japanese woman who has been in a (happy!) long-term live-in relationship for ten years. My partner and I spend a lot of time around the house doing our own thing, and even travel separately sometimes. I'd frankly have been put off if he'd insisted on being with me all the time when we started out and if he did it now I'd probably wonder if he had a guilty conscience :)

It may just be that your girlfriend is secure in your relationship, trusts you implicitly and doesn't feel that these things need to be constantly said out loud. Yes, some women do like constant assurance, as do some guys. But not all women are the same, any more than guys are. Honestly, the only way to know is to sit down and talk about it, then work out a compromise that both people are comfortable with. Believe me it won't be the last time you'll have an "okay we need to sit down and figure this out" moment - how you handle it as a couple is key.

Maybe you could (both) consider finding a hobby/interest you both enjoy which you could do together in exactly the same way as if you were really good friends. That way, you're appreciating each other as *people* and not necessarily just as "the boy/girlfriend" with all the attendant expectations. Go out, have a laugh, enjoy each others company and let the affection/smoochy stuff happen by itself. It could be anything from sports to dancing to museums to camping - it really doesn't matter as long as you both have fun together.

I know what u are coming true.....
But u have need dude too I'm Latino and american so we need that stuff but Japanese women they don't get it and they want trier way always sometime they get mad coz they over analyze everything like a PC.
that why they are rich hahahhahaha
I can't give you advice coz I had a fight with mine like 4 days ago about it.
She say she don't want be pushed say something she don't feel it and tell her what to do....
So I don't know if your gf gave you the same answer of mine.....
Is not only you dude we are in the same boat.
Japanese culture is to complicated for westerns they are like to quiet so you are with them or against them but not middle thing.....
Or she is whiling to change coz she loves you she can learn it to be romantic and vocal but you need have a lot of patient and if she truly love you she will change for you and you will be less vocal.
I really wish the best for you.
Me I don't know anymore I think I will given up with mine....
Bye

TO OP- There are a some factors to consider. One is what age you two are. A second and very important factor (most important) is whether she has always been a bit detached or if this lack of physical desire is something which changed in her. If you dated and she was very happy with your affection but recently became more interested in being to herself, then it may indicate that she has lost her feelings and may not be as happy with you. If she has always been this way, then it is probably her nature. Some women (of any given culture) like more independent men and more time alone while others (myself included) LOVE men who are very attached and show me their feelings. It is an individual preference and not a cultural one. If she is very busy than she could distracted and not as social. If so, then she may need alone time to de-stress. Hopefully it is just her nature and you have no problem. Good Luck.

Josh- you are stereotyping Japanese women and your statements simply are not true for all or even most. You also made a claim that men need affection and women do not. Again, not true. All humans need affection. Some women love physical intimacy.Some do not. Some men WANT a lot of physical affection but do not need a lot of sex. Some men do not want it. It is best to find a woman who also likes it the same amount but you will not die without.It is personal and not cultural.

people, why does everyone has to be so defensive about japanese women? There is always someone complaining about stereotypes, generalizations, or some others saying the typical "japanese women are no different than other women".

Please, of course culture plays a very important role in the behavior of men and women, and it is not a mystery that japanese women usually need much less physical affection than their western counterpart. It is not necessarily a bad thing, just a different style, but I hate to see people getting so defensive about it. Why aren't you a little bit more objective?

@Hirosumi: Sorry, is nothing personal against you, and I can somewhat understand that you feel offended when hearing certain things about the Japanese, but your lack of objectiveness is very evident not only here, but also in other topics as well. You seem to be a Japanese woman that really breaks the mold and I'm glad of that, but you always seem to imply that all Japanese are like you, when in reality is not true. (for instance, in a topic about the sexless marriages among japanese you denied all just because you're the 0.006% that is sexually active with your partner on a frequent basis). Be objective people!!! Don't base a society's trend on your own behaviors!

@OP: Many factors come into play. Is her behavior recent? Has she always been like this? It wouldn't shock me that she's always been like this (being Japanese), in which case you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you're looking for.
You need to sit with her and have a serious talk about her expectations as a couple. If you don't agree or both are unable to reach a middle point as to what makes each one of you happy, then you should strongly consider breaking up.

But anyway, talk to her. No one but her can give you the clearest answer.

@Josh

Which language do you communicate with your girlfried? If in English, there might be a misunderstanding.


@passerby

I thought hirosumi was a non-Japanese woman married to a Japanese man.

@BernieHoff: I am sorry to say it, it but doesn't sound too good for you. Regardless of some of the preceding hypothesis, her behavior as a girlfriend (recent or not) wouldn't score high points in any region/culture. If somebody was giving me this sort of cold shoulder (and that's exactly what it is), I would ditch him/her ASAP. The warmth and the partnership you expect yet lack in your relationship isn't something that can be taught, explained, forced, or "performed". This either comes naturally and willingly - or it doesn't.

Good luck!

Your situation looks familiar to my past one.
I agree with the people above me as it is also a personal and not cultural thing exclusively. But I can understand why you think so, because the image exists they express their feelings less. (although I also knew/know girls who do say things like "suki da" a lot.)
However, I think something is bothering your current girlfriend or something is on her mind. Just ask her to explain honestly what this thing is that is bothering her or if she is always like this (doing own things).
In my situation (I gave up on physical affection long before as it was something what she did not desired), we broke up (she said she did not loved me anymore) and we remained friends who just talk every now and then. It is ironic that you want to be for her and do everything for her yet this same thing can also be selfish as she wants to have time for her own. (I must admit I was guilty of that, kind of blinded I guess...)
I hope you can work out a solution together. (I know it all too well from my own experience how frustrating it can be, but another life-lesson was learned).
And if it is meant to be her, it will be her and she will come to you as well. (and if it would not be her, weep, be sad and know that another girl is there for you somewhere and get back on with your life with a fresh start)
If you cannot speak Japanese fluently or she cannot speak English fluently, you also always have a language barrier that unfortunately complicate things even further.
If I would be you, I would first find out if she is always like this and if you are willing to accept her as she is (and if she does love you back as well).
I am sorry I could not help you out more.

Not sure who the poster is that has no name (only a .) but my HUSBAND is American (half but raised entirely in the west), his mother is Japanese. I was from Japan and met him online and had a long online romance (simultaneous with my J-G friends "Dave" and "Surfbeat" as we followed each others' relationships through the years)...now I study at University in US but Japan is my home.My husband and I will return to Japan when I get my Masters degree.

@ passerby (guest)- Why do you keep insisting that Japanese people (women especially) don't like physical affection? While certain things are cultural, sexual attraction is biological and Japanese are no less human than western women. You truly believe only 0.006% of Japanese couples are physically intimate? You must not have a credible source.

@Hirosimi

I really like the way you describes.I have some confusion about my relationship with a japanese man.If I ask you some question privately would you give me some answer?My email add is tobacocuba@yahoo.com.If you can would you send me a email?

This is definitely not a cultural thing.

My gal has no aversion to being intimate, holding hands in public or saying I love you.

All women are complicated man... there is always something up!!! But I dont think its the fact that she is Japanese either... maybe u just got yourself a realy strange women.. lol I know Ive got mysef in the past some realy akward women and they were not even Japanese soo lol!!!

To the person asking if I could help them, your email seems not working. I can be contacted from my profile here. Just send a message and I will respond. I am glad to help!

To BernieHoff (Original Poster) ---


I know this thread is a month old, but I hope you will be able to see this somehow. I'm not sure how old you are, but I can tell by some of the replies here that many are not quite under the same mindset, leading me to believe they may be quite a bit younger than you or even myself. A few details about me: I am an American male in a 3.5 year relationship with a Japanese woman, and I have studied - formally and informally - the Japanese culture and people, as well as language and body language. However, despite any knowledge I might have attained thus far, I am still in the same boat as you. Ironically, the reason I am even HERE on this thread is because I was having this same "issue", if you can call it that, with my partner as well, and searched google to learn more about Japanese relationships! Almost funny, isn't it?

Like you, some of the basic knowledge has already been discussed between us, such as how saying "I love you" is so much more rare for Japanese people, and if you say it too much (which, "too much" to them is considered normal to us), it loses its meaning, in their opinion. This type of conversation you probably had early on in the beginning of the relationship, I'd guess. And, since you continued the relationship, it's probably safe to assume you were fine with the outcome of the conversation, as was I. However, it doesn't really stop there, and I am finding this out myself, even after 3 1/2 years of dating this woman. Of course you will find people who vary from the majority in any country, but in general, Japanese people simply do not show their affection with the same frequency, nor even the same manner, as we do here in the U.S. It simply is not true - they don't - they just don't. Anyone claiming BernieHoff's post is irrelevant to culture and instead he is just "clingy" or "needy", I am sorry, but you couldn't be farther from the truth, and you need to go research some more and, if at all possible, LIVE the experience yourself, for an extended period of time. I understand this is quite impossible for most people here, but please do not insult him with your blatant ignorance. It is distasteful and ridiculous.

I understand and share your frustration, BernieHoff. I am going through the same exact thing. I know she loves me, but sometimes, honestly, it feels like I am a lot more into her than she is into me. And that's a tough feeling to just "get over" for me. As an American male in my age group, honestly, I am just all about equality in a relationship - so if it feels like things aren't quite balanced between she and I, well, it doesn't feel right to me, and if it persists long enough, it really starts to bother me and I no longer feel comfortable in our relationship. She is good with the verbal "I love you's", I get plenty of that, but the holding hands area and other forms of physical affection (besides the private bedroom, everything's amazing behind closed doors) sometimes just don't feel right to me. It's tough, but I am realizing that she is expressing her affection towards me using other methods that, frankly, I would never have even thought of (explained further down).

Now, fortunately for me - and forgive me for bragging here, but - I happen to have somehow snagged the greatest woman in the universe. She is willing to listen and understand anything I throw at her. In fact, she told me that it was difficult, during the first year of our relationship, to put forth the effort to say things like "I love you" as often as I did. These days, she has told me that she actually has gotten so used to it, that she rather enjoys it, and would miss it if we stopped. She is a wonderful woman who will truly listen to me, and I hope that, if you are still with yours, she will do the same for you.

Something you - or any American male having this "issue" while dating a Japanese female - should read and really understand:

I hope you like food. Japanese women take a lot of pride in the food they prepare for you - not only its taste, but its presentation and nutritional factor as well. One of the biggest ways my lady will show her affection for me is by creating me a bento box to take with me as I leave for work, or for anywhere really. As someone who has always kind of had the opinion of, "It's just food to me", this has taken me a LONG time to fully understand that she is showing her love and affection for me in this manner, rather than just simply being sweet and giving me some food to take with me. It is actually much more than that, to her. I just didn't realize it - do not make the same mistake I did! This will save you a lot of time and effort.

Generally speaking, many Japanese are just not comfortable with showing affection in public. Sure, this is changing now with the younger generations, but if you want to have a higher chance of getting a Japanese person to hold hands with you while you walk somewhere in Japan, Tokyo is still the main place to give it a shot at, due to its high percentage of foreigners, and being slightly more open-minded towards "different" ways of thinking, again due to the whole foreign thing. My point is, if you are dating a Japanese in the U.S who hasn't been here but a couple of years, they may not be 100% comfortable with PDA still. In fact, it sounds like forever, but I'd wager most Japanese wouldn't be 100% comfortable with PDA until they live here for at least 5 years or more. This is just an arbitrary number I am using to estimate through my opinion on the matter, nothing scientific at all. The point is, while this is something totally, completely natural and normal to us here, it simply is NOT over there, which is where they have grown up - and you will just have to keep an open mind and keep the communication going, with small baby steps.

Now - Sleeping arrangements - The fact of the matter is, in Japan, most married couples sleep in the same room, but in separate beds. It's the norm there - to us here, that would be considered odd or strange, or even imply that something was wrong with their marriage/relationship. If your Japanese partner is showing subtle signs that they would like this type of sleeping arrangement, it's up to you how you handle it, I guess. You could try going the route of explaining to her that you are uncomfortable with those sleeping arrangements, and that in America we don't do it that way, and you need the closeness, but in the end its best to just pick your own battles...because within an intercultural relationship, as I'm sure you've already found, there are PLENTY of barriers to happiness - plenty of differences to have disputes over, if you choose to. I suggest asking yourself, "is sleeping next to her in the same bed every night really that important to me? Or is there another difference that is more important to me that I might want to bring up to her?".

As for the "seems bothered when I pay her compliments" thing - yes, I am going through the same thing here buddy. It sounds weird at first, at least it did to me, but this again goes back to just verbal affection. I never really thought of a compliment as being me showing affection, but I guess it kind of is. When I brought this up to her, she tied it into the "I love you" frequency thing. The truth of the matter is, most Japanese couples do not compliment each other nearly as often as we do in the west. And, like you, I've grown up seeing disgruntled women who are unhappy with their male partners because the man NEVER pays her compliments on ANYTHING, and shows almost no interest in her unless he is simply trying to engage in sexual activity with her; so I have shaped myself around "I don't want to be like that" with my female partners. In a normal American relationship with a female, this would probably be working out fantastically for me; with a Japanese relationship - not so much. It doesn't feel nice to them if we do it too much; My partner has even asked me if I am simply giving her "lip service", to my disappointment. And, once again, their "too much" is more like "any normal, regular amount" to us.


The take-away from all of this: Moderation. Simple moderation - of everything: compliments, "I love you's", baby steps of PDA such as hand-holding and hugs, etc. Also, be on the lookout for other ways that your lady might be trying to show you her love and affection, that stray from our usual ways. They are less direct, more indirect. Her food preparation is probably one of the greatest ways she will attempt to show her care for you. And, please, do all the reading you can and ask all the questions about Japanese relationships and culture that you can think of, because, even with all of that knowledge, believe me, you will still be shocked or surprised by something - it's inevitable, and completely normal. Some things in life, we just have to live through to experience. BerniHoff's problems listed here in his original post are indeed cultural - I know from my current experience - but if you can work through them - the reward will be unimaginably amazing. :-)

I know this has been a very long reply, but I feel that it's an important one, even if BernieHoff never reads it - hopefully it will be read and considered helpful by a fellow American man needing some advice in this area in the future.


Thank you.