Can I be close to my Japanese Girlfriend

Maybe she can say to her host family that you two met when you were in Japan. If she's afraid they won't understand she met a bf on the net.

i don't know much about your love story, but it sounds to me like she is starting to lose interest or has doubts and is afraid to tell you, so she acts like that to distance herself from you AND to make you start to dislike her. maybe she is hoping that YOU will break up with her first, seeing as how the relationship seems to be turning sour. i'm saying this from experience... i've often acted like that with boyfriends when i start to lose interest but am afraid of hurting them by breaking up with them.

maybe she is getting negative attention from your relationship. like maybe people are saying that you two shouldn't be together and she is starting to agree with them. or maybe she is just doubting the future of your relationship, given the long distance. there are many factors that could be influencing her behavior. either way, you really need to talk to her DIRECTLY and in a straightforward manner. don't assume things anymore, because it'll just drive you crazy. ask her straight out how she feels. i know it'll take a while for her to show her true feelings, but you two are lovers, and lovers should be able to tell one another anything. good luck!

Sorry Adam I forgot to say that she did tell her family about the two of us. I don't know what she said. But the reaction she got from them was just silence. Like it was no big deal or that they just didn't care.

To: Girl
Yeah that's what I was affraid of..I was worried she was trying to do things on purpose to make me not like her anymore. Almost like I could tell she was talking a certin way on purpose. Having me talk to her friends instead of her.

Actually when we instint messeged each other it was pretty good. She talked like she normally did and we were still happy. But once we could talk on the phone things went down hill. She has indeed been getting a lot of crap from people. Telling her that her relationship with me ins't real and other stuff. But when she hands her phone off to her two good friends the both of them said how much she is looking forward to meeting me. How much she misses me and that kind of stuff. I could hear my girl in the background saying things like "No" and "I never want to meet him" wich these things are normal. She enjoys teasing me like that, and I think she felt embarrased about someone saying those things out in public. So..I think if she really did want to get rid of me. She would not have told all her friends about me and said that she wants to meet and be with me again soon. Those were my hints theres still a good amount of hope.

Thank you for your opinion as a fellow girl. Yeah I know girls will try to make there guy brake up with them since they don't want to hurt there guys feelings.

I just got off the phone with her to tell her I have to go to the hospital because of a bad pain in my right hand side. The whole time all I could hear was her laughing with her friends, teasing me saying "to bad" and laughing. Then she asked if I wanted to talk with one of her friends. I was like "No I want to talk to you!!" She just said "Oh" and after I told her again what was happeneing all she said was "OK bye bye" So I think your right she does want to brake up. Well I'll be on a plane within the next few days if things don't go better when I call her later on tonight.

I miss how she was in Japan. If I told her I had to go see a doctor she would be kind and ask why and when I would be back so that she could know I'm OK. Now she won't even give me the time of day.

As usual I could just be blowing this thing out of proportion. But who knows.

With the way things are right now. If I leave next week to go see her (wich is way before when I am suppose to leave since she said late may would be nice) how bad of a reaction can I expect do you think? Should I tell her that I will be coming early or just surprise her? The cheapest tickets I can get won't let me fly until April 28 wich is a long way away. But all the earlier stuff cost a ton. Leaving today or any day on the weekend is $500 monday, tuesday are $300 But on Thursday the price finally goes down so I can afford it.

I need help fast! Wether this will help my relationship or just break it.

oh my gosh... you told her you had to go to the HOSPITAL and all she could do was laugh and make fun of you?! that is TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, UNFORGIVABLE. forget how she "used" to be. look at how she's treating you now! you say to have a medical emergency, and all she does is laugh at you, make fun of you, and hang up on you. what kind of a girlfriend is that? she sounds like bad news to me... in fact, i wouldn't be surprised at all if she had another guy on the side. don't let her play around with your emotions like that. i say you should call her and tell her how her behavior and attitude is hurting you. tell her that talking with her is making you feel unhappy. tell her that you will not be contacting her for a while. then get off the phone and do NOT call her again. give her time to think about how she's treating you, and give her time to feel remorseful about it. also, do NOT take her back the second she calls you, because chances are she's calling out of guilt and MOMENTARY regret. i know it'll be hard, but you have to do what's best for YOU. forget about her. it's obvious she doesn't care about you like she used to. i think you should drop her and make her feel guilty and regretful FOREVER about having been so cruel toward a guy who loved her so much.

this is my advice from the bottom of my heart, because i used to be just like her...

dave... do NOT go now. that is my advice. if you go now, she will just be annoyed because 1) she probably REALLY doesn't want to see you right now, and 2) you didn't listen to her... she explicitly said late may and yet you unexpectedly show up early against her wishes. i'm sure she has her reasons for saying to go in late may... please don't go against her wishes. in my opinion, that would just make things worse, because she will be annoyed at the fact that you are imposing yourself on her.

also, she is going to have to adjust her schedule drastically to accomodate your unexpected visit, and she will probably be resentful and angry about that as well.

Hmm I was affraid you might say that. She wasn't laughing at me she was just joking around with her friends and wouldn't pay attention to what I was saying. I've got this really bad pain in my side right now. I told her and she understood what I said. Then she asked if I wanted to talk with one of her friends. That made me mad..I'm like "Hello I don't feel well and have to go be X-rayed by a doctor to find out whats wrong!?" So it through me for a loop.

But you don't think I should go? I thought maybe I should. So I can see her in person and just talk with her. It's easy to forget there is a person on the other side of the phone when all you hear is a voice. I know, I've done it. But when someone stands in front of you to talk to you. You can really see them and see all the things that they are trying to say to you.

As far as you phone call explenation. About me callilng, saying how I feel and haning up. Sorry, don't think I could do it. I would probably call her back within a week. Or else she would just never call me back. So I don't think I could. I think I'll just ask her straight out again if she wants to break up with me or not. If she says yes I'll just say "goodbye" and walk away.

But I am still really really tempted to go out there..

still though, i think the fact that she was joking around with her friends while you were in pain is a sign that she's not focused on you anymore... she's focused on herself only.

also, when you're standing in front of her she might remember you again, but what about when you leave? it'll quickly revert to being the same as it was before you went.

if you really want to go now, i think you should warn her in advance to give her a little time to adjust to the idea. that way, at least she can't be angry about your catching her off-guard.

Good idea about warning her. I think I will do that and see how she reacts. But yeah..she seems to be extremly focused on herself at the moment. Trying to look cool or funny in front of her friends by saying something like "To bad" to me when I'm hurting. I was expecting her usual "oh are you OK? I hope you'll be better soon ^_^" But just a "To bad" really throughs me off. Actually at the end of our conversation I told her I will call her back later. Instead of her calling me. Hopefully she won't be to tick off when I call her so early.

Well I called her again. She was geninuinly concerned. Asked how I was and what happened. She still teased me (wich is normal, even though I wasn't in the mood) about going to lunch with a guy. All she meant was that her and two of her friends were being picked up by some guy so they can all go to lunch.

But after that I told her how bad I felt after she just shrugged me off with a "to bad" and laughed at me. I asked if she even cared about me. She stopped and was quite even with her friends around her. "OF course I care about you, I am sorry for my behavior I guess since I am so busy I forget myself. I do care about you" I feel better (still down) but better. I told her thank you for careing about me. I said "I love you" but as usual in front of her friends she won't say that to me.

But I know she still loves and cares for me with the last thing she said. She told me if I start to hurt a lot more after my med's wear off I can call her again anythime if I want too. So getting the "OK" for me to bother her a lot lets me know, yeah she does still care and love me. How much I don't know now.

But that's for another conversation later on today. Of course she won't talk normal or that much once she gets home because of her family there. So I'll call her later. So we can hopefully (just the two of us) talk.

This is where you started many moons ago: "Can I be closer?"

When we feel someone is withdrawing from us and we still care a great deal, there is a tendency to grasp harder, and that is even more off-putting to the other person.

You won't feel like doing this, and maybe you can't (since you are such a passionate guy). But I would suggest that you be VERY cordial and somewhat reserved, not querulous, not calling every five minutes (exaggeration, not insult intended, Dave), not showing up unannounced. It's a fine line to walk. You don't want to let the relationship wither because you are "showing her what it feels like" but you don't want to come off all needy and tiresome. Don't demand that she respond every time YOU are in the mood to talk. Unfailingly ask if it is a good time to talk (if you don't do that already); it's just good manners and shows that you are considerate. And if she's going out, or joking with gfs, or washing her hair or just doesn't want to talk then, politely get off the phone.

As for your plans for your visit in late May (which is only a month away, not forever, remember), I would further suggest that you write a letter, suggesting several different alternatives for length of stay, activities, maybe the exact time of the visit, etc. and DO ask her if she has other or additional suggestions. The idea is for you BOTH to have an enjoyable time, not the continuation or tail end of a troubled conversation.

Anyway, things will probably change three or four more times before you go visit, so just try to buck up and take the long view.

I'm giving you advice because you asked for opinions, but also because I am a fairly old lady (not dead yet though) and have been through most of the variations on relationships at one time or another and feel like I may be able to contribute a viewpoint that is not necessarily natural to you when you are caught up in the turbulence of uncertainty. And as always, good luck.

Many thanks to watagei and girl =) Good advice.

To answer some of what you said. I am always polite (brought up that way) and if I call her I always ask if she has time to talk. All the other times I wait for her to call me whenever it is convinent for her. Wich use to be a few times a day. Now we are just down to two.

You are right. When I feel something that means a lot to me slipping away I get desperate and try to keep it. Wether it be my favorite kind of pop or the girl I love most. I am NOT saying women are things I am just giving an example of the feeling of lose for me, and of course losing my girl is higher then some stupid drink.

The thing that brought me down was how when we talked. She wasn't all there. She would just make sounds to answer my questions not words. There was no real conversation. When we use to talk they would be long nice chats about something meaingful. Now it's just "What did you do today? Thats great, bye bye" No substince to them.

I'm not cold hearted. I understand she is busy. But I make time to spend with her. Instead she will go out with her friends every second she can. I ask if we can talk for a while on the weekend like we use too. But she's always gone. But this wasn't such a big deal. To answer one of your questions, no I don't call her every five mintues. If I did she would be even more ticked off at me. I let her call me. Since she feels I bother her to much about her life.

As far as me going to visit her. That's still on hold right now. I'm debating. I havn't said anything to her yet. Well see were things go tonight. If they get worse. Sorry I might go. Being there in person might help. But I'm thinking I'll probaly just wait until May. Who knows.

Dave,
I've been following your story for a while now, and I've read about the problems you are having right now. I'd like to play devils advocate and have you look at things from her point of view. She's in a new place where she has never been. She has a whole world of opportunities opening up to her, and probably has some preconceived notions of how girls in America are from TV and movies. She probably feels like she has so much she wants to do, but so little time to do it. I would suggest backing off a bit. Let her know you miss her, but that you understand she has so much she wants to do and you WANT her to be able to do it all. She will appreciate and love you all the more for it. Remember the old expression "If you love something, let it go, if it comes back it's your forever. If it doesn't, it was never really your to begin with." What I'm saying is, you cannot make her stay with you, and may only driver her off by trying. Listen (and I mean listen with both your ears and heart) to what she's telling you, and honor her wishes. A true love that is strong will endure this little bump. You don't have to strangle it to keep it.

Well the bump has been endured. It's not the first but this one was pretty abd for me.

She told me how she was feeling. That after that phone call when I said I would be going to the hopsital and she teased me. She could tell that I was mad at her. She didn't understand why and she told her near by friends that she didn't want to talk to me ever again!

She had some time to cool down (as did I) and when I called again things were somewhat normal. We just finished talking tonight. Things are definitly back to normal. I explained to her why I was so upset. Since I was already in a lot of pain (so I wasn't in a good mood) and because of what she said thats why I was mad. After explaining myself she understod why I acted in that way. Apologize were passed all around. I explained I am a guy and we sometimes do stupid things (to wich she agreed) and replied that girls sometimes don't always do whats right eigher (heck we are all human anyays) so problem solved.

She told me that I am important to her. But that her friends are also important too. Wich I agreed with. Friends are important. When your love leave you there always there for you. But for me she is #1 as far as importance. While I am either #2 or tied for #1st with her other friends. That was her explanation as to why making jokes at my expense were needed to make her friends laugh. Such as her "To bad" remark about my condition. Or trying to tease me about the fact that a guy was picking her and her friends up to drive them to get some lunch. It's just what she does. But sometimes it's not a very apporpriet time like today. Still I'm not one to hold a grudge. So by tommorow I'll wake up and forget about it ad just enjoy the day.

But anyways we actually got to talk for a full hour tonight! It was great, just like we use too ^_^ We just talked about everything you could think of. What she got for lunch. How we both like chocolate ice cream. She asked me if we went on a date and I had the cash would I buy her a new outfit if she really liked it (heck yeah I would haha) talking about a birthday party in my family and how she wants to talk to the memebers of my family on the phone.

I asked if I could come visit her in early May maybe. Your right she dosn't want me to come in ealry May. She still wants to get a little more settled before I come out. So probably mid or late May ^_^

Actually..I do take into effect that she is getting use to being here and has so much that she wants to do. Dont' worry about playing devils advocit. Sometimes I need the diffrent perspective. So I know that she is wanting to do everything. She told me how hard it is having to speak English all the time.

I explained and apologized to her. For soemtimes forgeting that she is in the U.S. now, and that it is almost totally diffrent from the Japan that she is use too. So I said I was sorry I forget that sometimes.

But I can feel her care and love for me. She gave me the "OK" to call her anytime tommorow (even though she will be busy shopping) if the pain gets bad and I just want to chat. But I'm not going to ring her up every 5 mintues.

She got a letter from her mother that made her cry though. Saying in it how she kind of "wishes" she had a daughter who could have stayed in Japan, and that she hopes she will come back to Japan right after school and marry a Japanese guy (her mothers attempt and saying "I don't like Dave") But I told her don't worry about things like that. That is later down the road we will handle it when we get there. We will visit your family. Hopefully they might start to like me after a few visits and start to like the idea of maybe marriage. But I'm not going to get into that now. I'm just going to enjoy the time I get to spend with her now. I told her she should try to do the same. Just enjoy the "Now" while it's there.

So in conclusion the "bump" is over..for now. Our love is strong enough that we can both say we hate each other,and still come back wanting nothing more then one another. I may hate the bumps when they come along. but it feels great when they are gone. Surfbeat you know what I'm talking about haha ^_^

Thanks all around to the regulers and some people from long ago who gave advice and the new people who spoke up. I like a lot of advice. It alows me to judge myself by compairing what others think of a situation. I'll either take it leave it, or do something else with the advice I am given. But the more the better.

P.S. Yeah this might be long..but a lot of stuff has happened at least in my perspective.

Sorry I've taken so long to get to you, I have company visiting so I haven't had the time to get online.

I've read all the posts and sadly but truely I must say, I agree 100% with Watagei , Girl and Navaria. They seems to have it nailed down, there is nothing I could add that they haven't said.
The only info we have is your side of the story and at this time, you're feeling hurt. We really don't know for a fact what is happening, but it's sounds like just as Watagei , Girl and Navaria. say. I hope we are all wrong.
I completely agree with their advice.

Hang in there Dave, we are all here for you.

I actually haven't read this thread for months - didn't know about the latest developments until today q*_*p

I'm not trying to hurt your feeling at all as it won't get me anything in return, remember...

But GIRL is telling you the truth. You is losing interest. Not necessarily to the stage of dumping you yet, but nearly there.. But you can save it

**************



The problem is obvious - you're being too 'nice' and 'suck up' to her and as such she might not find you intriguing anymore.

Especially with the fact that she is now in the US and most definitely 'seeing' a lot more foreign potential partners and not to mention possibly lots of guys hitting on her? I would say this is an assumption that you HAVE to make, she even hinted that she is going to lunch with other guy (albeit with friends, she mentioned it to tease you deliberately). She is only 19 isn't she? She still has plenty of opportunities to find other guys to go out with, experiment with or marry. Afterall she was too young (18) to know there are better men than you out there before... you need to sink this in. She is learning more now!



If you want to keep her, its not too late. Just listen to me.

She's possibly teasing you infront of friends because she has this warped idea that she will be 'cool' this way and feels that this could be a way she could act to impress her new friends.


You need to do one or more of the following:

1) You should stop talking to her for a day or two at a time - let her learn to miss you. Just tell her you're really busy.

2) If you dare - even tell her that you are starting to find her being so childish sometimes, and you find her annoying as you're trying to be 'nice' to her since you're trying to take extra care of her seeing she is in a foreign country outside home. When you say it don't say it in a tone of 'oh, hi, haha you are so cute and I want to take care of you and talk to you...' Jesus.

Start by saying in a MANLY and at least 80% serious tone 'U know what - to be honest I find you to be quite childish these days. I'm trying to be nice and looking after you since you're in foreign land. Yet, you're using me back infront of your friends for a laugh? Did u know that this is actually very uncool in America? I only LET you do this before at my EXPENSE, because I wanted you to make good friends who can take good care of you when I'm away. Don't think I didn't notice... and don't take me for granted.'

Remember you got to be a MAN for once. She NEEDS TO SEE YOU'RE FXXKING CHANGED FOR ONCE, FOR GOD'S SAKE [no..not the rice wine].





This might sound counterintuitive but you are not doing the 'right manly' things which attract her.


The saying that Nice guys finish last and don't get to keep the girls is true. It is not a myth or a legend. It is pure science and women reacting on the laws of natural selection. The strongest man wins the girl.




Because a woman wants a strong man, and a nice guy usually becomes too clingy or listen to the girl's every request. There is no challenge to her, and she suddenly loses attraction to the guy - or to you.

However, the trick is to be Nice yet confident about yourself and also able to 'tease' her back without expressing that you're sorry to her, that's the first step to reverse the downward attraction trend.


***************************8

Next time she calls you, why don't you try ONCE (only once), trust me for a change, and tell her you're actually busy right now and can't talk to her. Tell her to call u back tomorrow.
And try to say my suggestion (2) as well. Get slightly drunk before you say it, if you don't have the confidence.

Just try it once, be a man, don't worry about the consequences. She needs to know you're at least equally in charge of the relationship, if not the majority. ; )


There is only one real reason why she said 'you shouldn't rely on me' too much. Its because you're acting like a leech and being clingy and even slightly annoying. In other words, UNCOOL.

The girl needs your ATTENTION AS A MAN, but not your attention as a leech.


And I just wasted 327KCAL typing this message to you...

The key to save the relationship - is to SUDDENLY CHANGE to let her know you have changed.

Convince her you've always been like this underneath but you were just 'tolerating' her since she's a young girl.


All women love strong men.

Some women like bad strong men.

All women like nice but strong men.

Nearly all women hate nice but weak men.


Which type are you?


I've got to admit, I've done exactly what you are doing right now - being overly nice to the girl will only make you a disposable asset !

Hey Dave,
I read Rouge Clone Not posts and I almost 100% agree with everything said, being too nice to her can make you a door mat and women don't find that attractive in a man.
Rouge Clone Not said: "You should stop talking to her for a day or two at a time - let her learn to miss you."
I agree with this, she can't miss you if you're always calling and asking her many questions. She needs to really begin to miss you.
Trust me, silence leaves everything to imagination, if she doesn't hear from you for several day, maybe a week or two....she'll begin to wonder what happened and I'll bet she'll eventually call you to see what happened to you, then you should just play it cool, make her feel you CAN without her, she find you more appealing.
Again, give her time to miss you, I know it'll be tough on you, but give it a couple of weeks, don't call or eMail her. Dave, she is use to getting you calls an eMails daily, after a couple of days of silence, believe me SHE WILL NOTICE.
Something my grandmother said to me years ago: "The one that cares the least controls the relationship".
Right now, from what all you've said, your girl is controlling the relationship.
You be the man Dave, pretend, at least, to care less.

I relate to a lot of what's going on here. But I'm too lazy to say much now.
Relationship 'games' suck though. I wonder if games really have to be played. Or are we meant to shed the unappreciative baggage to find somebody who we can just be real with?

What is important though, is that we have well-rounded lives, and not put too much pressure on any one relationship. What's "too much" though, depends on the individual people involved.