Can I be close to my Japanese Girlfriend

Hi Dave
I've been reading your posts and replies a bit. There's a lot so i'm not gonna read it all. But i noticed that you and your girl talk just one hour a month!? Hey!! Dont you know about Skype?? My Japanese girl and i talk 2-3 hours every day, and it costs us only our monthly internet fee.So please try it.I wonder how come you two dont use it already... It's great.
bye

oh i had no idea...i was reading your story more and it seems many things changed since your first post.Hope you two still make it.
Good luck

Well I have read all this over. There is a lot of truth to what you guys have said. I do know what your talking about. As far as letting her know I am not someone to be stepped on.

Going a week without talking to her? Sorry surfbeat..thats a little rough, and it's almost like saying "Hey I'm not here to talk with you so go ahead and talk to a good looking guy out there since I'm not there" But going a few days without a word does sound like an idea.

I did tell her to stop acting so childish yesterday. She was teasing me again and in a serios and somber voice I told her to stop acting like a child teasing me like that. I explained to her that teasing me infront of her friends is very uncool and the reason your friends are laughing is because they can't belive you would treat your boyfriend so badly. So they think it's funny that I am letting you get away with it. I've had enough of putting up with it though. If you care about me then treat me with respect!

After she heard that she was pretty quite..but then we just moved on with the conversation.

Now as far as talking. She calls me! I never ever call her. Since she came to the U.S. I have only called her once. Yes there were a few times that I asked why she was gone so long and sounded as you say "Desperet" But all the other times I just play it cool.

Last night she called me. We talked for nearly an hour and a half. She wasn't feeling well so she said "Goodbye" to go to bed early. Just 30 mintues later she called me back again. Asking if I could talk with her some more. From the way I see that. She needs me as much as I need her.

It's just like you said earlier surfbeat. No one is me or her. No one here is actually in my situation so it's hard to give advice and understand. But these past posts have opened up my eyes.

Maybe later this week I will say I am too busy to talk to her for a few days. Who knows. I was tempted to call her today now to see if she is OK or not. Since she wasn't feeling well last night. But like you say, I'll play it "cool" and just wait for her to call me and find out if she's alright. I have a feeling she proabably slept in and then went shopping so whatever.

Talk to you later.

I guess I am in the minority opinion here when I say, I would absolutely react negatively if my guy ever did the whole "I am not interested" thing. I don`t see needing someone as weak. I see it as how a couple in love feels. I need my guy and he needs me. If he ever did not have time to talk to me I would feel unwanted. This is just my opinion as a girl. I hope you and your girl get to be as close as me and my guy! Good luck to you! Now back to my sweetheart! We are going out with relatives now.

I must say I agree with Umi. Sure, you can play the relationship game and fight over who's in control, but do you really want a relationship like that?

If she needs you, you should always be there for her. She did a mean thing to you, and you told her so. That's good. But there is no use pretending you don't like her any more.

What I think you must understand however, is that she has a lot of things to do. She has come alone to a new city and need to make new friends. It's a dificult social things, and she just won't have as much time for you. Try to tell her that she doesn't have to call you if she's busy. 4 times/day is a lot honestly. Once per day is probably enough.

All this is of course just my thoughs. But our situations is somewhat similar since both or j-gfs recently went to study abroad. Our relationship is not that great (I'll refrain from hijacking this thread), so maybe you shouldn't follow my advice.

Sorry about the bad spelling and grammar above.

I have one tip that worked well for me. Can you make something cute and send her? Like a postcard with a picture of you two together and some nice words. That's not exactly what I sent, but the same idea. I don't know her, but if she's anything like my gf, she'll love it. And if she wants to, she can show it to her friends. If they get a little jelous of her, that's great!

Also, if you can talk with her friends sometime in a less embarasing situation, that's good too.

I am glad to hear you are having such a good time with your new husband Umi ^_^

But don't worry your not in the minority. I side more with your opinion then anyone elses here.

The thing is. I could understand the point the others had made. There was a lot of truth to what they said. Not all girls are as ratinal and understand as you are. I have had some experince and seen some of my friends (guys) do what the others here have said. Sometimes it back fires. Sometimes it dosn't. But absence does make the heart grow fonder. I am always and I mean almost always here for my girl. Esepcilly now that she is so close and can call me. While she was in Japan I was always there as well. But she would definitly be busy more then a few times.

But I have no plans at this time to not talk to her on purpose for days or weeks. Since we have the same relationship you have with your hubby. We both enjoy each others company. Over the past few days she has called me so much it's almost like the first time we figured out how to talk for free on the internet haha. It's just as you said. She needs me, and I need her. For security,happiness, comfort, and a million other reasons.

The thing that was getting to me was the way she was treating me. Once she got home she would usually be fine. Talk in her quite normal voice about her day, feelings and everything.

But in public I felt like the butt of every joke. She would laugh, say something unsensitive and unkind to me and then laugh with her friends about it. I put up with it for a while. Trying to gently ask her to stop. Finally on the day I had to go to the hospital when I was already hurting physically she blasted with a joke and that was it! I was mad, and it takes a heck of a lot for me to get mad. This in tern ticked her off as well.

We both cooled. Later on that night I told her why I was upset. #1 I wasn't feeling very well. But then I explained how making your boyfriend look like an idiot to your friends is very "uncool" and makes them think our relationship is meaningless. If she cares for me,loves me, and wants to have a relationship that means something with me. She shouldn't get so much joy out of hurting me emotinally so much.

This really hit home for her. She was silent. Letting me know she was really..really thinking about what I said. Since then she avoids doing something like that. I can't garuntee she won't do that again. But next time she does instead of exploding after holding it in. I will just calmly tell her to stop acting in such a childish way.

A girl should be a girl, and a man should be a man. Me standing up for myself was like a reminder that I am a guy. I can take care of her,love her, and protect her as much as any west coast dude.

I saw a report on the news that women want the best of both worlds. A guy who is sensitve,sweet and kind. But can always be a man. Being protective, overbering and pig headed. Not too sensitive, but not to much of a jock. I am definitly not a jock. That much is probably clear to most. I think my lady just needed to be reminded that yes indeed I can stand up for myself. She actaully likes that.

A good example would be. Once in a guy was being stupid trying to pick a fight. I walked away calling him a moron. But he was too wasted and hit me from behind on my back. We fought. I won. Came home and my girl asked why I had a bruise on my eye. I told her about the fight. "Oh I hate fights why did you do that?" That was her first reaction. She hates violence like that and dosn't want a guy that just picks fights at random or gets in them a lot.

I told her I tried talking and walked away but was forced to fight. Hearing this she understod better what happened.

Next she asked "So..what happened?" I told her the end and that I won and walked out after the guy was laying on the floor. To wich she replied "Thats Great!!" Wich threw me for a loop. She hates fights. But likes that whenever I get caught up in one I win (in a manner of speaking).

So in conclusion. My girl wants her kind,caring guy. Who can be sensitive a little at times. But when required can fight to protect himself and or her. Can take charge when neccesary. You know..the macho stuff.

So I reminded her that yes indeed I can be the "macho" guy. She liked it.

If you are confused by any of this..so am I haha. All I know is that I love that girl. She loves me. I know from previos things I have said it sounds like she is cheating. But I still have a lot of trust in her. If someone apporches either of us we tell the other. Guys still wave to her from cars (sometimes she waves back) honk, hoot and do all that other stupid crap. A few girls have asked me to meet them for a drink or something every now and then. We both have the same reaction when this happens..we want to kick the person who asked the other out in the butt and tell them to take a hike haha.

It happens to her more often because she's very hot. I am not. So I worry about her more. But if she cheats the guilt would hurt to much. She would say something.

Anyways once again I am rambling.

Don't worry Umi I'm not completly brain dead. I hope a few years down the road I can post a few wedding pictures of my own of us together. Unless of course her family tries to kill me before I can propose haha

No one wants to play the game, but everyone does. When one plays it, you're both playing it whether you like it or not. And when you think you're not, look a little closer, you are.
That said, playing the love game is not something bad, it's life. Look and the birds, the animals,the fish, they all play the game, do the little dances, play aloof, play the game to win the their mate.
All we're doing here is trying to help Dave with the strategy, we are not trying to make him a bad guy, the evil villian, we all want him to win his mate. And if you have to do the dance by playing cool Dave, then do it. I've read the post, I don't see anyone giving poor advice.
And Day, I have a bit of advice to give to you myself, you said your girl does most of the calling, I'd say keep it short, you be the one to end the call, leave her wanting more.
Quality is better than quantity!

Dave, it seems like even though everyone has been giving you advice, you 1) only hear what you want to hear, and 2) you do what you want to do, regardless of what everyone else suggests. In this case, why even ask for advice in the first place?

Also, does your Japanese girlfriend know that you post every single detail of your intimate relationship online for the whole world to see?

Dave - really happy that you brought up the topic of 'having relationship treated as a joke for fun infront of friends' being slightly UNCOOL to your woman... :D


Quote from Dave: "I saw a report on the news that women want the best of both worlds. A guy who is sensitve,sweet and kind. But can always be a man. Being protective, overbering and pig headed. Not too sensitive, but not to much of a jock. I am definitly not a jock. That much is probably clear to most. I think my lady just needed to be reminded that yes indeed I can stand up for myself. She actaully likes that."

That resembles a bit of what I wrote too doesn't it? And you listened to that report, understood it and suddenly upped your game and saw an immediate positive effect. Good stuff!

Actually, I was surprised that from page 13 to page 15 that way you wrote changed a fair bit too. How the hack did u pull that off? LOL!


Look, you're not playing games of who's controlling the situation I think. You're still being Kind and Sensitive to her needs, but just being slightly more manly whilst providing what she needs!
Its not a GAME.
It is part of human evolution learning to use their head to be creative and pull chicks.
And playing your own half of the game right is just that - you aren't exactly cheating or acting. Afterall, guys are lazy and I'm sure all of us guys wouldn't mind sitting on the soda but believing the girl will automatically come to you. And vice versa. Both have to work at it... And we're just doing our part as a 'package' right, so to speak :)


As for Umi's comments - "I guess I am in the minority opinion here when I say, I would absolutely react negatively if my guy ever did the whole "I am not interested" thing. I don`t see needing someone as weak. I see it as how a couple in love feels. I need my guy and he needs me. If he ever did not have time to talk to me I would feel unwanted."

Well, you have a point but you've put yourself in the opposite camp without knowing that we're speaking of the same thing but just different degrees of 'showing' love.. :)

Ok. Personally I think I'm a most romantic person too and I do much more than what other guys do and think up, to WIN and KEEP the girls heart.. ya see. So that cancels the myth that what I suggest to do is to 'ignore' the other person.

The whole idea I was raising was just that if men become overly obsessed or relies on the woman to the point where the woman feels you're not even a MAN... then that has to be viewed in a whole new light.

And when looked at in this slightly ambiguous context, some of us were in fact suggsting that we should try 'hold back' slightly just to notify the woman of our desire to 'change for the better'.. I'm sure all of us here love our women too q^_^p


Dave - you're the man!

to Night Owl:

Yes , everyone is starting to look like animals.

So let it be.

BUT, you be. I am never going to look like like those inferior beings (the animals)

Animals are considered inferior to humans and i am never going to be like that.

A small quote:

I thought girls are more resistant to boys to cases like that.

I personally think world is gonna crowl cause of those pathetic libertines.

always people who are fair pay.

Not the opposite as it should have been.

Is really the world crolling?

The bad is over good that it is.

I saw many things at last that make me dissapoint into this world.

OMG, this is hell not a world.

I Love Sakura, sorry if the truth hurt, but I stand firm on my post. I have a degree in social psychology, I know what I'm talking about, been there. done that.
It's human nature, we all play the game.
Altho animals may be "inferior", when you look around the world what man has done, sometimes I wonder if we are not the inferior ones!

Somehow, I'm always disturbed by posts that write "MAN" in capitals.

Yes, humans are inferior to animals because they wanna be inferior.

Humans are considered to have more IQ from other beings.

In this world honor and justice doesn't count anymore.

And then if you say me "the truth hurts" don't copy me.
This is my word. And i don't see what it hurts since i have never did something to look like an animal or be inferior.

I personally never had sex and any other thing like that while i am completely faithfull to my dreams.

I can assure you i have no problems. I am also in a age where hormones are at max.

Althought you've a degree in social psychology you can no way prove what i am.

The answer to this is that i know what is fair or not to do. I can resist to any pressure.

As science can't prove the existence of God and of ghosts you can't prove your theory at me.

You may be inferior to an animal but i am no way.

What does human has done? Technology? This is a clear prove of superiority to animals.

Not every human is same. There's the nature in which the strongest must win and this nature has been broken.

Dave has the right to hear what he wants to hear and even do nothing of what they say him.

If everyone has to hear and do everything you say him so do what i'll say you.

It's all alright. When you're ready tell me what i want you to do.

I think Humans and Animals are almost exactly the same to be frank.

There is no need to distinguish them.

At the end of the day, there is no meaning to life whatsoever to any living being in this world... it is all about ensuring survival and into the next generations...

I used to think like I Love Sakura - and thought that humans are evil.

But if you watch enough National Geographics and Discovery channels and then how humans behave in the real world, I'm sure one would conclude there isn't much difference.

Animals don't think much. Humans do. They might do the same things but because humans have thought about it, does it make them more evil and without a sense of morality? I doubt it. Like I said, there is no meaning in life if you want to push it to the extreme spectrum.

Why are you so defensive? I read nothing in Night Owls post that was offensive, it's his opion and perhaps experience, in fact, what I've seen in this world, I tend to agree with him.

I agree with surfbeat. Like surfbeat "Night owl" is just a nice guy. I remember reading his own thread on here a while back and definitly feeling a common spirit between us. Like Surfbeat and Umi. I didn't read anything hurtful in his peice. Some people really do only see a game and enjoy the game of love. Others do play part in the game but want more out of it. So hopefully one day the game will stop and just the feeling of love and trust remain. Yes in the beginning some might play the game.

But if you take out the words "Game" and "Play" and just replace them with "life" then that sums up pretty much all of it. You can see life as a game or don't.

I love sakura see's life in a way that I have never seen before. Dark,scary,serios, full of mistrust. Having an understanding of his own ideals and ways that he lives. It's not a bad thing. It's just how he thinks. So I don't mind ^_^

But when it comes to understanding my own life there are a certin few here that really help with my perspective. You know who you are and many thanks to you ^_^

Things are still going pretty well. She tried to tease me by calling me stupid but once she realized I wasn't having "fun" being called an idiot she stopped. She calls herself "stupid" a lot and belives it to be true sometimes. Those are times she just needs a pick me up. I know why she's acting so odd right now. Ladys and some guys would understand why. She is just feeling "Bad" so she calls once or twice a night, asking me to please talk to her for a while about anything. She just wants the comfort of me being there even though I really can't. So things are OK. I just hope she feels better soon. I want to hear her pretty smile across the phone again ^_^

She has a fake smiling happy face and voice she puts on for others. I've heard her use it when people come in the room. Talking to me, in her own words she said puts her "at ease" so she is naturally herself. Being herself I can see that behind the fake smile she really dosn't feel very well. I kiss her as much as she wants. That makes her smile a little bit ^_^

So things are pretty well I think. Once she feels better I am sure things will pick up ^_^

Well said!!!

I'm glad to hear things are better for you.
My girl and I hit a couple rough spots recently, remember in one of my earlier posts I mentioned my girl sending money to her father monthly? Well, it's for medical bills, and it turns out she is living from paycheck to paycheck and sending an outragious amount of money to her father/hospital and is committed to do so for the next 3 years. So there won't be any wedding bells before 2009. Guess we'll have to be content with eMails, phone calls and a visit once every 3 or 4 months for a week at a time...sad!