Japanese Marriage

Here's an interesting article based on USA study by Terri Orbuch, a psychologist, research professor at University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research and author of the new book "Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship."

[+] Divorcé's Guide to Marriage
http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10000872396390444025204577544951...
Study(USA) Reveals Five Common Themes Underlie Most Divorces
Money was the No. 1 point of conflict in the majority of marriages, good or bad,Dr. Orbuch studied.

And 49% of divorced people from her study said they fought so much over money with their spouse-whether it was different spending styles, lies about spending, one person making more money and trying to control the other-that they anticipate money will be a problem in their next relationship, too.

I agree. My Japanese gf parent are loveless marriage. I don't know the reason they became loveless but tf they are in US, they would be already divorced. The reason they stayed together is because of sake of their children and culture. It a huge shame and unaccpetable if they get divorce in Japan unlike in US which it common and acceptable(not good). It funny because her and her mother are very close but they never show any physical affection as mother & Daughter compare to Western parents to their children. I think it had to do with their old fashion traditional in the old century.

This world started losing the concept of "values" a long time ago. It will all turn out to be like the movie "idiocracy." Loveless marriage? Just because no or less sex or talk is involved, is it no romance? Staying because of kids? Did it ever occur to anyone that love is commitment and sacrifice? Divorcing people always go like "Kids, we still love you very much. Sometimes adults just can't stay together anymore." And the kids are tearful and confused, often blaming themselves for the divorce. If you love your kids that much, why do you have to be so selfish? Again, like I said, there is no standard or concept of values anymore, and people justify what they do with intelligently sounding excuses. If you are not sure, don't marry. Just live together without having kids. When you get bored, break up. No paper work involved. No hurting kids involved. Don't be selfish and act like "We all make mistakes" routines. If you are married, then be responsible for your decision. Don't make your kids become a victim of your selfishness, irresponsibility, and lack of determination. Just because there is no sex or communication involved, that doesn't mean there is no "romance." I have seen old couples at a restaurant eating without saying a word, but to me they look wonderful. They kept their promises. There is no such thing as "romantic relationship forever." It is delusion. Marriage especially is about commitment, sacrifice, and abstinence. Just because the majority of people think and do a certain (irresponsible and "this-is-my-life-so-I-can-do-whatever-I-want") way, that is not the right thing to do. Learn to tolerate. Learn to devote yourself. Life is a continuation of hardship with a sporadic spike of joy. But everyone wants the other way, which is a delusion. Let's grow up, shall we? It will become the movie gIdiocracy.h Maybe we are already half way there.

Agree marriage is about commitment and sacrifice. But sometimes it starts out happy, but not always have a happy ending. Maybe things change? I don't see anything about being selfish if the parents separate. My aunt marriage starts out very great. He was very sweet and a great guy. But after many years of marriage, he cheated on her, lied, and was very abusive. People told her not to get a divorce for the kids sake. I remember visiting their house and he beat and dragged her across the room. She took it, did not call the cops and just go on the next day like it didn't happen. Sadly they're still together, in the same house, share the same bed, but does not talk to eachother. They do their own thing. He's still going out with other women. It's one of those culture where people frowned upon divorce.

Truly this is my first time to post my responses multiple times to any internet threads. This will be my last humble 2 cents here. I guess I am intrigued as a husband and a parent of two kids. I have two baby sisters and the youngest one is 42 years old. She recently got a divorce with a daughter and it really broke my heart. Her husband was not physically abusive, but mentally and financially was. I also advised her to call it off as well. Yes, there are cases a divorce would be the only solution to. I couldnft stand the guy who would torment my baby sister, so I think her divorce was the right choice. But I still hold her countable for her decision. Of course you never know how people turn out, and that is also a sad reality we all have to deal with. That is where I use the analogy with the movie gidiocracy.h We just have too many junkies in this world. They are like bad viruses. They keep spreading and good germs (people) end up suffer. Not just in marriages but in daily lives such as work. An article says girls whose parents cheated have much higher probabilities to cheat as well when they grow up. My two boys are about to go to college. I as a father have been doing my best to show them what are commitment and marriage about, so that they can have a peaceful family. But I am paranoid about other junkies in the world. Girls from a broken family will come in contact with my kids and can hurt or even ruin my kidsf lives. The last thing I would ever want to see is my kids in despair suffering from a bad relationship. People from those broken families affect few good ones not just in relationships but everywhere else, too. Look around even at work. See how many co-workers cheat on their co-workers and colleagues, stealing credit from other peoplefs work, spreading rumors so that they could get a promotion, on and on and on. I am well educated and at a peak in my career as well, but even in those circumstances where your co-workers are highly educated ones, I constantly deal with those who always back stab you left and right everyday. I see that these are all results of those bad seeds spreading like a wild fire in a hot summer desert. What goes around comes around. And it will only get worse. Even in this forum, check the opinions and see how many are from ones who really have determination, responsibility, and the right sense of commitment. Mostly they are all about gme-me-meh routine. They are never about gothers.h I am not religious because I personally think it is a scam about money. However, I am spiritual. What I believe is as long as I donft hurt others and do bad things for others including my family, I and my family will survive and prosper.

Well said mklarc13!

OP should dump this gal for an AV star

or

Make so much $ to make her happy to make you happy everynite

You probably need to think Japanese deep to know what makes her happy so she can make you happy...

Btw, unless you are prepared to go back Japan and live with her if you are going marriage if not don't pop it.

Good luck

"I am not a guy who thinks sex is the most important thing,"

Sure sounds like it!

Firas: yes that's correct, I don't believe sex is the most important thing in a relationship, but it is important. I don't want a sexless one.

Tokyoboy: you're saying, that all japanese girls outside Japan will want to return to japan when married? I've talked to my girlfriend about this and it's not an option. There's no jobs there for me and and she hates working there as well. We both have stable jobs in my country. But thanks.

Hey Drummer,
I'm not saying all but majority of Japanese both male & female regardless of single/married/with kids...
In my case, "She" told me same stuffs she hate when we were dating in Tokyo (Was there for short term project).
So I brought her back, got her many jobs, after few years outside Japan, there you go...
Personally, I like it here myself.
If you don't like it here, and she can be happy with you there then good for you I guess.

So about your topic on sex, I guess its about how she can be happy with you before/after marriage.
You may read everywhere about sexless marriage in Japan, its true but mainly due to many circumstances - Eg. husband overworked, too much "distractions" outside home, wife overstressed taking care of kids...

Cheers.

Hey Tokyoboy, thanks for your reply. Are you married at the moment, and if so how is it going? My gf's ties with family is good but not strong, her mother has told her she go do/go wherever she wants as long as she's happy. I hope she doesn't change her thinking like your
Gf did, however what was your gf's reasons for returning? Family, work or generally culture?

Hey Drummer,
No worries.
Yup, after 7 yrs of "dating" here and there, we are generally happy together all the time. Well, i'd say I kept her happy to make me "happy" ya... lol.
I'd probably say that most Japanese families are same, they aren't that "strong" but close at hearts if you know what I mean.
For her reasons, if they are true, its a mixture of lifestyle+culture+family and in my case I took it as an excuse to come back with her.

I'd suggest that you have some plan to relocate if you are serious with her.

Cheers.

Thanks TokyoBoy

Relocating to Japan really isn't an option for me. I have already told her this and if she were to do a back-flip and decide to return, it would probably be the end of us. There is just too many factors working against us if we did. Too difficult for me to get a well paid job and the lack of funds would kill our relationship. She's currently in Japan right now between visa's and while comfortable, she hardly visits friends and hates her temporary job. She's looking forward to returning to Australia. I told her we can go to Japan once or twice a year no problem, but permanently is a no-no. People can slam me for this decision but there's really no benefits for either of us to do so other than her being closer to her mother, which right now doesn't and never has bothered her.

I see, since you have made this clear to her and she's fine then I guess it should be ok.
As for finance, either side you will need to be stable. Not saying that they are money-face but at her age, she would be looking at someone independent and be able to support her - say eg. in 5/10 yrs.

So all the best, cheers!

Thanks Tokyoboy!

I actually asked her this again on Skype today. She understands the situation of missing Japan and wanted to come back but doesn't think this will affect her so long as she can visit occasionally. She said during our travels she did miss her family, and that may be a factor in the future, but she hates her current temporary month job and hates the Japanese was communication between people in general and prefers it in my country. My only worry I guess if she misses her mother/sisters too much in the future. I reminded her it would be too problematic in the future if she suddenly wanted to re-locate and to be sure she is happy with her decision to stay with me in Australia.

I sound like a bit of a nazi talking to her like this, but in reality it was a small serious talk amongst the usual lovey crap we Skype about :)

Your gf will miss her family but it should be alright as long you promised her that you and her will visit her family every year or two. It normal for little homesick when living in different area. I am planning to get marry Japanese gf and she little worried about her parent. I assure her that I will make sure that we will go to Japan every 2 year. Not only that, we will have her family visit us as well. She was relief and very happy to hear that. That why stable finance is so important so that you guys can afford to have stable happiness(visit family, vacation, build new family, and etc).