Do Japanese say "I Love You"?

When I visited a Japanese friend at his home I knew two words for wife; okusan and Kanai. Okusan is formal, Kanai, informal.

When Japanese are in a a group they will refre to their wife as Kanai.

When I was at the Japanese home, my host asked his wife to bring us some saki, and he refered to her ss "okusan" the formal address. I asked him why he used the formal address and he said he did not know his wife well enough to use the word Kanai. They were in their 40's, had been married over 10 years and had two children. I asked when he thought he might know her well enough to use the informal word he said probably when they were in their 60's.

The point is Japanese are much more formal even within a marriage. When he returned to Japan after living in the U.S. for 1/2 year I was with him. She met us at the bus station and bowed to him. No huggy kissy stuff for Japanese.

I dont have any opinion about saying I LOVE YOU but to tell you...i have the same experience about her not wanting to have a relationship with your family/relatives. My grammar is sometimes bad specially when i get nervous and I have this weird problem about other people thinking bad about my english and thinking that they might now like me coz im a different race...so she might have the same problem...and it's not gonna be good if she doesnt change...coz me and my ex boyfriend used to have lots of arguments when i tell him i dont want to go to his family gathering coz i was so shy....think about it...talk about it...

for wat i have read here i think the japanese are in some ways very formal and professional so,I LOVE YOU is unnessasary to a lot of people and that they dont show public affection because it would seem unprofessional

Wow! I was searching the internet today about divorce in Japan, and came across these posts. Amazing! Y'see, I'm married to a Japanese woman, and recently I've asked her for a divorce. There's virtually no communication between us, and she scoffs at virtually everything I do. For almost 4 years, she's left me to sleep on my own, while she sleeps with our 4 year old son. Now I know that sleeping with the kids is common in Japan, but since doing so, she has virtually cut me off, only really talking to me when she needs money or wants me to take care of my son while she goes to her job.
After almost 4 years of this, enough is enough. The finale came after I took him to school one morning, and she turned up in the car park too. I informed her I'd put sun lotion on him to protect him from the sun, and in front of everyone there, she rolled her eyes at me and looked at me as if I was gum on her shoe! That was the last straw. Years of rolling eyes, being ignored, treated like a commodity and getting complained at whenever I asked her for personal time together, just got too much. When we did have sex, she always made me feel that I was wrong to want it, regardless of whether she enjoyed it or not. So now I'm trying to get divorced, knowing the risks of visa loss and child access being virtually nil. But that's something the family courts may have to decide if she doesn't start acting adult enough to come to a mutual agreement about. Funny thing is, NOW she tells me she loves me, but it feels empty to me. Too many nights wishing we were together, in bed, on dates, watching a movie, talking...etc.
I've since met a wonderful Japanese girl who is in love with me. But she's got her head screwed on right and is telling me to sort my divorce out before we can be together. She makes me feel wanted, loved and needed. Even when I was sick a couple of times, she was reluctant to help me. Once I got into trouble with the police for scolding a bad driver who was swerving her car all over the place, and the police, my lawyer AND my wife, all turned on me! My wife even sided with the woman driver! Later she said that it was because it was better to get on with her and end the situation, but I found out that she was only concerned about her own image at work and in public!
I tried so very hard to make things work with my Japanese wife, but it was time to admit that the whole marriage thing was a mistake, and boy was it tough to admit. She's still messing me around with the divorce thing, saying one minute that she will keep our son, and the next that I can have him and she'll make a clean break, even tho' I've said we're mature enough to share responsibility of raising him. As someone else has said here much time ago, you don't marry a westerner and not learn something, but she has learned nothing. I have no respect for her anymore but still feel enough to want her to be happy, but we can't do it together. Her 'I love you's now mean nothing to me...perhaps they always meant nothing to her.

Mr.Droberts, don't know if you're still around or not, but hope you got better!

Mr. Bean: Thanks for posting, though the subject is different. Sorry to know about your divorce...
I am married to Japanese too and it's 3 years not. Recently we have our baby... and found my wife changed from the day she get pregnent... now life is becoming sexless. She is least interested in sex while we are sleeping together w/o any talks and all. Firs I thought she is tired and all.. but now she is more concentrated on baby.. that I do not think japanese women can be good mother as they have very limited knowledge to raise a child.
Sometime I also think I am in same situation as of your. And as a backup action thinking to make my own country passport of baby not Japanese to avoid future trouble. We also discussed about divorce many thimes when baby was not yet born.
Question is WHY JAPANESE GIRLS CHANGED AFTER MARRIAGE???

Hi I am an Aussie and I have lived in Asia and have had Japanese and Chinese girlfriends. Asian girls are less likely to express that they love you than western ones. I Found that even some parents do not say they love a child so often but they do and show that by actions and deeds. I consider Asian girls in general to be very reserved when you first meet, but as you become closer you will see they have views and opinions. They are not the stero type that some western men like to think of "Submissive and quite" I consider if you find a Japanese girl who will love you and you are loving, faithfull and always put her first in your life then I doubt you can ask for more. All girls no matter what nationality want to feel loved, it just takes some time to get some Asian girls to actually say the words. At least when they do say them you know it is from the heart.

HI all
i have japanese girlfriend from Kobe i am from Wigan UK , and we always say that on line with cam and mic and also in real when i am over there and she over in the uk we never stop syaing how much we love each other,so it depends on you yourselfs

gee... i hope my boyfriend says "i love you" "aishiteru" "daisuki" to me! if ever i'll have one once in a while... I won't worry much though if he often hugs and kisses me.

Ey Droberts... hang in there okay? Live life to the fullest. Say what you have to say to your wife... I do hope that she'll understand your situation as a couple.

Well, I just think from some of the above that if you truely love, then you shouldn't have a need to say it! Kinda like it should show without words....
And the "overused" thing; I think that it probably is overused! Like "lol", I definately overuse that! I bet most of the time the people aren't actually "laughing out loud"! lol, ((I just said that as I usually would but I didn't actually laugh out loud!)) Get me? ^_^

It depends on your partners. If your partners are always eager for the words of love, just be lavish in doing that as far as you truly love them. On the other hand, certainly, there are sort of people with whom you can feel more relaxed and closer, just sitting near by without words. Culturally and personally, there are many types of loves. It is not a matter of good or bad. IMHO, the good couples just keep thinking what they could do for their partners. Sometimes, it could be mere silence, or sometimes honest tender words. There is no know-how in love.

Simply, my partner and I are not capable of repeating aishiteru or I love you everyday. We are unaccustomed to it but do not worry. Believe me. We are fine.

My husband is Japanese, I will admit that Japanese culture is not as VERBALLY expressive when it comes to emotions as western culture, however, the majority of you are talking about your spouses, people who you know best, and people who should know you best. Even if you never have said I love you to eachother in your whole lives, you both sent signals and communication, which you both understood, and knew that you both wanted to get married or wanted to have a relationship. You became a family together and trusted eachother. Some of you have children together. My husband says he loves me regularly, even though we speak more Japanese than English and live in Japan, because I had told him in the past that I want to hear it often, so he says it often. I feel he wants me happy so he says it, which that alone shows me he loves me. Due to a lot of our cultural differences, and communication problems, I have contimplated divorce in the past, but I have changed now, because I have talked to my husband alot about our problems. I kept trying and although we fought and spent many nights sleeping alone, ultimately, we found that although the fighting was awful for a while, neither one of us wanted to divorce, and all and all still and always want to love eachother. For those of you who are wondering whether or not your girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife, still loves you, ask them and try to talk things out. This is an unfair Japanese stereotype. Japanese may not often say "I love you" on a whim, but asking an honest question to your loved one in all seriousness, should get you an honest answer. If you can see eachother growing old together, enjoy eachother's company at least most of the time, run to that person at the first glance of interesting news, and feel like you can absolutely be yourself around them without feeling ashamed, isn't that something special? Keep trying, and look at yourselves. Take a more calm approach, and instead of thinking of the Japanese stereotype, look at the person as the person you chose to date or marry, and be sensitive to what you know about them, but you can talk things out. Even though the relationship SEEMS sour for the moment. The Oprah Winfrey show stated that for every couple that has been married for over thirty years, over all ten years were awful. Don't BLAME your Japanese partner for the problems in your relationship. I don't know if this will work for other people, but here is a suggestion, in the state of mind of wanting to understand your partner, bring a bottle of wine, two glasses and after the kids have gone to sleep, go outside and calmly talk things through, ask questions, but don't get aggressive. Make small talk without being judgemental of the other person's opinion. Don't only ask about what your partner's feelings are for you, but ask them if they are happy in their lives, what their dreams are, and what would make them happy. Tell them that you are sorry about making them feel uncomfortable in any way, but that you need to know where you stand in your relationship. Tell them that it is important for you to hear the feelings that they have for you, and that if they can't express it, you need to know "Do you love me?" and no matter what the answer is DO NOT get angry and fight. After that CALMLY ask why not, or why is it so hard for you to tell me your feelings? Tell your partner that you will not judge them, but you need to know how to communicate with them so that they feel comfortable. Keep trying. If it is an international relationship, just think about all the sacrifices and hardship you endured waiting to be together. The person you married or are dating is very special to you. Just keep remembering why. Don't end the relationship strictly on the grounds of communication problems until you guys seriously talk.

I am sorry about your divorce, but I am REALLY sorry to your four year old child. Your wife obviously is a great mother who thought the world of your child, so at the risk of not having sex with you, heaven forbid, she wanted to make sure your child would always feel safe at night and know that a loving parent was always around. My babies sleep in a bed and a crib of their own, but I understand your wife's perspective. You are being too harsh on her. Maybe she rolled her eyes at you so many times because you place unrealistic demands on her. You seem to imagine a fantasy world where the woman takes care of the child, keeps up the house, and works a job, while being some erotic queen for her man. Have you ever considered yourself to maybe be the problem? May be you ignore your family and your wives feelings, while rushing in and acting like you are some hero father of the year. You quickly judge everything about her as bad at everything, and make your new girlfriend out to be something perfect. If your new girlfriend wanted to have kids would she find it wrong to sleep with your child and have you asked her this? Does she also think your wife is awful for sleeping with your child as appose to catering to your every desire to have sex? Most people, who want to have kids, put their kids first. I can understand part of your reasons for divorce, as there is no love connection, but don't judge her as a mother. It sounds like you scoff at her more than she does you. Grow up! Is it in your child's best interest to say that your new girlfriend has a better head on her shoulders than your child's mother? Your "MY way, or the highway" attitude will only get you so far, and then your "ego" of "MY rights, as a man" also could contribute to another victim, or a child who is raised without a father, who put his needs above his childs. How could you stand not hugging or at least seeing your child everyday? You blame that on her, yet you are the one walking away, even though YOUR WIFE is saying she loves you. Could it be that you are feeling guilty about leaving your family behind for your new girlfriend, so you are trying to find any means to talk badly about them? hmmm? You can justify all you want, but you are leaving your wife and child for another woman. A spade is a spade is what I see.

I am an exchange student who has been in Japan for a year, and recently got together with a Japanese guy. We are having a fantastic time together and I am so happy and so in love with him. However I am leaving in 2 weeks to go home and finish university. I want to tell him I love him before I go, but after everything I have read, I dont know whether I should or not. I dont want to embarrass him, or make it harder for us both when I leave but I do want to tell him. He has said "kimi ga suki da yo" but i didnt know that really meant anything. When you translate it, it just means I like you - and I thought that was kind of obvious so I just just laughed and said "i know you do" and since then he has seemed a little cagey (that means kind of shy) with his emotions. Someone told me recently that kimi ga suki da is usually only used when you really like someone or sometimes when you love them. Can anyone help me out? thanks

I'd just like to say good luck to droberts with the chemotherapy.
Forget about your wife, she has shown her true colours. Concentrate on getting better.

Hi! i have a question, how you say in Japanese to your daughter that you love her and missed her so much? Thank you?

I take it your daughter has grown up in a Japanese setting. A big hug (if she'll let you), and, "Aitakatta!" (literally, I wanted to meet/see you) should say both things to her. You might want to repeat the words you want to say in English as well -- since most Japanese have heard "I love you" in songs and pop culture for most of their lives.

My girlfriend isn't japanese but after i read everything above, she is very similiar to an asian girl i think. She is very sweet and we often say "i love you" to each other. I'm learning japanese now and i have a question. How do you actually say "I love you" in japanese, or "I like you"... whatever japanese people say when you really like someone and when you are in love.

Anyway my girlfriend had a hard time expressing her feelings to me at first, but it keeps getting better. We are now three months together and things keep getting better. At first she didn't even tried to kiss me first. I had to kiss her first. Or touch me or whatever. I had to do everything. But slowly she kisses and touches me more to. She is still a virgin so i don't want to rush things. We just love each other and that's also why i'm just patient.

i have been married to my japenese wife for 1 year and she has never told me she loves me i had to teach her after seeing this lol :-)

Thank you for this discussion, which I find quite eye-opening.

So, I did a small survey with my friends over here (Cambridge, UK) as well. Sorry for the small sample but the results were as follows (8 guys above 20 years, and 7 girls above 20 years). Seven girls (that is 100%) said that they wanted to hear something like ''I love you''. 6/8 guys had a similar response. They too wanted to be told that they were loved. Visiting each other's partners did not seem to be a big issue either. Although guys appeared to be less enthusiastic (because of fear of being rejected).

Personally, I have been together with my fiance (she is from Japan) for quite a while. It is true that she is less expressive than I am. And unfortunately I also have to admit that I would be happier if she would openly tell me things at times.

I do not believe certain words lose value. It only depends on how, and with whom, you use them. Obviously nobody is asking for ''I love you'' in every second sentence. Guess still have to work on the right balance...

do americans say "i love you"
they do so do the Japanese