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Openness about having boyfriend 2013/5/28 14:38
A couple of questions:

1. Is it normal for Japanese women to only refer to their boyfriend, when talking to you about them, as "tomodachi" or their given name, but never using "kare" or "kareshi"?

2. Is it common for Japanese women to not tell you about their boyfriend (if they have one), even if once you've become quite close friends?

by space munki  

Re: Openness about having boyfriend 2013/5/28 20:06
space munki,

1. Yes, especially as you get older.

2. Yes, that is the norm. But you can always ask if she has a steady boyfriend or not. That is the norm if you're a close friend.
by Uco (guest) rate this post as useful

P.S. 2013/5/28 20:07
Btw, it's not really about being open or not. It's just something one doesn't usually bother to say unless one is asked to.
by Uco (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Openness about having boyfriend 2013/5/29 05:15
Thank you, Uco.

Well, that certainly makes sense. For several months a Japanese woman, who has become a good friend of mine, literally only spoke of living with another person on one or two occasions, and even then only referring to that person as a "flatmate" - a term we use to describe a person sharing a house or apartment, with no implied romantic involvement - with no indication of gender, let alone a more intimate level of relationship.

Even upon visiting her place a few months later, there was no mention of anybody else living there, yet after inadvertently meeting this "flatmate" (actually her boyfriend) at a later date she still only refers to him as her "tomodachi" or "friend" - just as she does with myself and her other friends.

I guess it's a cultural thing. Unless there is some kind of hidden agenda, most Western woman - at least in my experience - would normally disclose a boyfriend, in quite obvious terms, fairly early on after becoming friends (if not during the initial meeting).

Thanks again.
by space munki rate this post as useful

Re: Openness about having boyfriend 2013/5/29 23:04
Well, calling your significant other a "tomodachi" and "doukyonin (flatmate)" are two different things.

The former is a completely ordinary way of expressing that person in a casual conversation.

The latter, on the other hand, is a term that is supposed to give an impression that there is no romantic relationship between the two, even in Japanese. That said, one would often use the latter term just because one is being shy to openly express the relationship. It's not necessarily considered an obvious lie, though.

But then, the common hidden agenda in this case is that the romance has faded enough to call him a doukyonin instead of a kareshi. I'm not sure if that applies in your friend's case, though.
by Uco (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Openness about having boyfriend 2013/5/31 14:48
or maybe she's afraid of the stigma staying together before marriage. so she is used to mention her bf as 'flatmate'.
by chocochick rate this post as useful

Re: Openness about having boyfriend 2013/6/1 10:39
She's lived here (in the UK) for 10 years now and although not what I'd call fully "Westernised" (I don't think she ever will be, to be honest - not a bad thing), she must be well aware of Western convention - both in terms of describing referring to a boyfriend, as well as lack of stigma regarding unmarried couples cohabiting.

All in all though, I've come to the conclusion that she just sees me as a friend and as Uco says, it could just be shyness (and possibly also a desire not to disappoint others), perhaps stemming from conditioning, which lead to this lack of disclosure.

All in all, I think she probably just sees me as a friend, which is fine with me. I've become romantically involved with women already in a relationship before and I can't say it's ever ended well - never again.
by space munki rate this post as useful

Re: Openness about having boyfriend 2013/6/1 23:40
Oh, so you're the flatmate. Well, since this is a question about Japanese standards, according to common Japanese standards, I don't think a woman would truely consider a man as just a "flatmate" if she has an on-going sexual relationship with him. Of course, it really depends on the indivisual, though.
by Uco (guest) rate this post as useful

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