Wedding attire for Amer groom’s parents

My (American) son is marrying a lovely Japanese woman in a hotel-based wedding in Tokyo. As mother-of-the-groom, do I wear a long dress? Are there customs for the attire for my husband and myself--colors, styles? Also, what is the expected dollar amount of gift we are to give, since we have been told we are not to contribute anything to the cost of the actual wedding? Thank you for any guidelines you can give us.

Since no one answered, I will write a litte.
I think that you can wear the same clothes when you participate as parents in wedding celemony in US. If something diffent from other Japanese, I think it is OK, because you are not familiar to Japanese custom. It is better that you are not gorgeous than a bride. It is better that your husband wear dark-color suits, not bright-color suits.
About a gift, it is difficult to tell.
I can explain more detail about classical style of wedding in Japan. But I will not tell, because you will definitely be surprised.

The parents of the bride and groom are the hosts as well, so you need to be dressed as formal or more than the guests.

Either way, it would look better if both fathers are in same/similar attire, so your husband may want to ask the bride's father what he is planning to wear. This discussion would also be a good opportunity to comfirm about the mothers' attire.

Just for your information, in a proper wedding, typically, fathers wear morning coats. Once the fathers' attire is decided, the mothers attire will eventually be decided to match their husbands'.

I wonder if you might want to venture in trying a "tomesode" formal kimono. Rentals are available, and beauty salons can get you dressed up. Otherwise, if the banquette is toward the evening, mothers would wear evening dresses. Again, rentals are available. If it's during the day or held in a more casual atmosphere, I suppose it's all up to discussions.

It also might depend on the region, so if the brides parents can't decide, you may want to ask the hotel for advise.

As for colors, I know that a lot of people on the internet may suggest black, but that is not necessarily appropriate. A lot of fashion professionals suggest that you wear happy colors for happy occasions.

what is the expected dollar amount of gift we are to give, since we have been told we are not to contribute anything to the cost of the actual wedding?

Whatever the gift, you are just giving it to your son to support him. Whatever amount you prefer in order to support/congratulate him is fine. Gift money is expected from guests, but not from the hosts that you are. So you can pay him anything from nothing to a fortune.

By the way, I wonder who is paying for the ceremony and banquette. Is your son paying half of everything or more? If so, that's fine. But if the bride and her family is paying for everything, the groom's side is typically expected to pay for some part of this marriage.

For example, either the bride or groom can pay for the wedding while the other pay for the new house and honeymoon. Or perhaps, you are thinking about having a wedding in Japan on her expense and another wedding in the groom's country in his expense. Either way, typically modern newlyweds are expected to share the expenses for their new life. Parents may or may not do whatever they want to support them.

Thank you, Ken and Uco, for the very informative answers! Since the wedding is at 3:30 and reception follows at 4:30, would a long dress be appropriate (son says "no kimono for you, mom!")? Fathers will wear black suits; groom is wearing a tuxedo; not sure about mother-of-the-bride.
My son and his fiancee are paying for everything. They are also having a "meet the families" dinner the night before. It will be our first time meeting. Any suggestions for our attire for that? Also, what kind of gifts are appropriate for meeting the parents and family members? Is there ANYthing we should do or bring or pay for-- before, during or after--that you think might be important for us to know? My son is as polite as his Japanese future in-laws and will not tell much that we should do, but I would rather we not embarrass ourselves too much! Once again, thank you for all your assistance!

Fathers will wear black suits; groom is wearing a tuxedo;

I suppose they've decided to follow a daytime semi-formal attire. Your husband is expected to wear a white or silver tie.

How about trying to find out if the bride's mother is wearing "a kimono"? If so, a long dress would quite suit that. The hours sound okay to me as well. But if this is going to be an occasion where the bride's mother is wearing a knee-high dress or suit, of course you'd want to wear something similar.

I understand that these things are very important to you. I'm sure your son simply doesn't want you to worry about anything, but tell him that you want to look good in front of the guests and that you need to know about all these things, otherwise you'd be more worried. I'm sure the bride's mother would most understand that. Especially, it's a normal thing to check on each other's attire so that the whole banquette would look good for everyone.

From a quick internet search, the following website of a popular wedding information company is designed for the parents.

http://zexy.net/contents/oya/

Fathers' attire (left-bottom is black suit)
http://zexy.net/contents/oya/dress/kisopapa.html

Mothers' attire (bottom two are supposed to match fathers in black suits attire)
http://zexy.net/contents/oya/dress/kisomama.html

Actual examples of semi-formal
http://zexy.net/contents/oya/dress/semiformal.html

As for the "meet the families" dinner, ask your son what he is wearing and adjust yourselves to that. Typically, it could be anything from T-shirts-and-jeans to semi-formal suits. Asking which restaurant they've booked might help too. You could check the restaurant's website and find out the atmosphere.

By the way, I'm a Japanese resident, a working mother in my 50s and whenever I can't decide between jeans and semi-formal, I try to wear a nice jacket and a daytime dress that may look a bit casual without the jacket. Your husband could perhaps bring along any kind of tie so that he could decide whether to wear that or not on the spot. But all in all, wearing something similar to your son solves the problem.

As for gifts to the family, just do whatever is typically done in your hometown. The bride and groom seems independant and if your son says you needn't worry about anything, then I suppose there are no conservative rules among her family.

I suppose something popular in your hometown would be typically appreciated, but in these days where you can buy any foreign item on the internet, I simply try to give whatever I like when I'm gifting. It would be a good excuse too to say, "I'm not sure if this would suit your taste, but it's one of our favorites."

Keep in mind, however, that a lot of people in Japan don't use cars to go to dinner, so anything bulk should be sent on another occasion (so giving only light things is what's typically done in the cities). On a related note, no one is expected to bring along item gifts on the day of the wedding, as guests and hosts have too many things to take home (typically, cakes and gifts would be arranged for all guests and hosts to take home).

As for payments, if the young couple is arranging the dinner, I'm sure that's all been taken care of by them. If you decide to move on to other places for an extra drink or tea, I suppose it's universal for some fathers to prefer to pay or to take turns in paying.

Note that most places in Japan don't do "table check." In other words, you don't call the waiter to the table for the bill, but upon leaving, you all go to the cashier to do the payment, be it cash or card. A smart way to pay for everyone is to go to the mens room towards the end of the meeting and, on his way back to the table, to discreatly ask the staff and do the payment. But again, I'm sure the dinner is all being taken care of. I'm just talking about other occasions, if any.

I hope you get everything organized in your mind so that you could just sit back and relax once you've left for Japan. For most of your stay, you are the guests!

From your explanation, I think the wedding ceremony and the reception will be held in a popular Japanese style. If so,I don't think your son and the fiancee can pay all. Since the wedding celemony is a big event in her life, her family will contribute more. If you have enough money, you should pay the "meet the families" dinner. I am afraid that your son does not know how much her family wants to spend money for the ceremony and the reception.

you may ask your son : Does any her relatives in addtion to her family participate in the ceremony and the reception ? (especially in the reception)
If the answer is YES, it is formal.
If the answer is NO, and your son says that the participants in the reception are friends and co-workers, it is not formal.

Actually, I can't really agree to the last poster.

Although it's done at a hotel, the fathers' attire seems to be on the least formal side of a proper ceremony/reception, and if the bride and groom has enough earnings, they can finace the day just as their parents may be able to. They will also most likely be receiving gift money from the guests and that would support them.

Also, the number of relatives coming doesn't necessarily define the classiness of the day. I've been to a relatives-only wedding/reception and it was a lot more low-budget-style than most of the ones that were mainly for colleagues.

I couldn't finance my own wedding in Tokyo, but my husband did for his half. Then he paid for the rent all by hisself while I paid for the furniture with support from my own parents. That's normal.

If they say the family dinner has been taken care of, then it would be a bit dishonorable to insist on paying for it. Perhaps, you can return the favor by hosting another dinner yourselves on another occasion, but what is being taken care of is taken care of.

In any case, I'm sure the OP trusts her son, and if it so happens that the whole thing turns out to be obviously over-budget for him once she arrives, then it's not too late to start financing him or returning favors right there.

To me, it sounds like a proper, warm, not over-the-top wedding occasion. This is just my personal opinion, though.

I would have to agree with Uco's assessment of the situation. Also, of the American/Japanese weddings I've attended in Japan, the American's parents generally wore a dark suits/white tie, and a long dress typical of what they would wear if the wedding were being held in the US (and often reused the same dress for the US wedding as well). Tuxes for the American father would generally be out of place, although the fathers sometimes wear matching morning suits (but you would be notified if that were the case).

So much good information from ken, Uco, and yllwsmrf--thank you! I am relieved to have excellent guidelines now. Still wondering about gifts for the parents, whom we will be meeting for the first time the day before. Something as simple as food items (candy, specialty jams, meats or...)? Or a decorative item (crystal, book, etc,)? Son is paying for everything(!), so all parents are equal "hosts" financially in that none of us has to cover any costs. One other question: we understand a speech by the father is required. Since my son's father died, and my current husband came into my sons' lives after they were grown, should my other son give the speech as representative of the family (I should mention that my husband is very shy)? Neither of those two speaks Japanese.
My sincere gratitude for all your assistance!

since the main host is a groom's father in traditional style, he will give a closing speech in the reception. your son can speech instead of your husband. Actually, I did like that. Most of the Japanese relatives may not understand English, your son's speed in Japanese may be better.

Something as simple as food items (candy, specialty jams, meats or...)? Or a decorative item (crystal, book, etc,)?

I think something on the nicer end would be appropriate.

Son is paying for everything(!), so all parents are equal "hosts" financially in that none of us has to cover any costs.

Yes, that is pretty normal. Note that the parents indirectly help pick up some of the wedding cost with wedding gift (money). I don't recall how much parents typically give (Uco probably has a better grasp on that) but I think its usually around a few thousand USD if they can afford it.

One other question: we understand a speech by the father is required. Since my son's father died, and my current husband came into my sons' lives after they were grown, should my other son give the speech as representative of the family (I should mention that my husband is very shy)? Neither of those two speaks Japanese.

I think either would be appropriate. Since it is an international marriage it is expected there will be some mixing of customs so you have a pretty wide latitude to what you can do. I'd direct some of these questions toward your son and see what they want to do.

Gifts for the parents:

It could be anything, but since this is your first meeting, and you seem to have a decorative book in mind, something with lots of photos showing your country/culture might be a good introduction to their son-in-law-to-be's background. Meanwhile, if you happen to choose meats, be sure they're something that can go through customs.

Speech:

It's customary for "the head of the family" to give the speech on behalf of all hosts of the wedding, and in this case your current husband is that person, oddly enough. And yes, most fathers in Japan are very shy, and quite difficult to maintain soberness until the time of the speech! (a typical plot on comedy shows) The groom's brother is not considered as one of the hosts, by the way.

But you all seem to be aiming for a nice liberal and friendly wedding, so I think it's up to the discussion between both families. Personally, I don't think it's strange for the groom's brother or stepbrother to do the speech on his father's behalf. Or like Ken, it could be the groom.

The speech, of course, doesn't have to be in Japanese, but I suppose it would be a nice gesture to have someone in the family translate it for the guests to hear. It would create a warm atmosphere to have a friend or family member translate it even if the translation is not good.

The Zexy website I showed you previously shows examples of speeches, if your son or anyone would be interested. The website also says that, nowadays, the father of the bride or the mother of either family often does the speech instead.

yllwsmrf wrote:
I don't recall how much parents typically give (Uco probably has a better grasp on that)

The internet tells me that it can be anything from none to a million yen (10 thousand $) or even more. There are no rules, really. I don't even think it's a Japanese thing.

Some parents might just pay the bill for certain items. Some parents might hand out some savings they were meaning to give to their son at a certain stage in his life. Others may just trust his financial independence or keep the money for different occasions such as when buying a house (a lot of couples tend to buy a "real" house after having children). And not all parents are as rich as their working sons, so some may not be able to pay anything.

Note that there are expected amounts for gift money from siblings and aunts/uncles, but since the parents are the hosts, they are not expected to give "gift" money. It's all up to the parents to support their child or not.

For our wedding in Japan, my Japanese in-laws were insistent that my parents not pay a single yen for anything. In their view, this was, firstly, their duty as hosts. Secondly, they did not want my family digging in their wallets after having gone through the effort and expense of flying to Japan.

My parents wore the same dress and suit as they would to a wedding outside Japan. As a foreigner there is no strict requirement to follow the nuances of Japanese banquet fashion, I think.

For gifts, I echo earlier comments of giving something that is representative of one's home town, state, or country.

Also, I've found it helpful to bring shareable snacks, such as a box of chocolates from a local confectionary, or, in a pinch, from Tokyo. Since it might be awkard to leave someone empty-handed, a shareable gift allows the recipient to share amongst others who may be around during the gift exchange (and you did not account for).

Relatedly, you may be a hit with youngsters if you have on hand little sweets for them. Packs of gum or candies with English writing on them have been well received in my experience. Not necessary though.