Grave in Koya or Japan

Hi,
I told an older relative about my jouney to Japan and Koyasan last year. He was quite inspired by the way they put neckbone and other ashes separated from each other in the grave.

He is interested in Buddhism and Japan as well been there a dozen of times. being a non Christian he thought if it was possible to actually be buried in Koya or else place in Japan.

He is unfortunately not living in Japan himself but had wanted to move there before as he has more connections there than his home (several friends of his live there).

I heard once that because it is so holy and famous it's very difficult for even Japanese people to be allowed to have their ashes put in the cemetery on Koya-san if they don't already have a family/company grave or some connections (note that Japan cremates, people are not buried), so some people purposefully leave behind fingernail clippings or hair in the trees and grass there in hopes that their spirit will come back after they pass away.

I understand the appeal though, Okunoin is one of my favorite places in Japan. It's so serene and beautiful!

There are many non-Japanese people, including Christians, buried in Japan, either because they lived here or were just passing by even as a tourist. Many graveyards today accept graves and families regardless of their religion, so that's not a problem.

The problem can be that popular graveyards are getting quite crowded, so even for Japanese residents it's not easy to buy something ideal and new, and if it were ideal it would cost a lot of money to buy the grave lot, to build a grave and to maintain it.

Meanwhile, I didn't know that they "put neckbone and other ashes separated from each other in the grave" in Koyasan, and I couldn't find any info on that. It sounds like a unique procedure to me, as all the crematoriums I've been to in Japan put them together, regardless of the sect or religion.

put neckbone and other ashes separated from each other in the grave

Sounds like it might just be confusion over the Buddhist practice of separating bones from ashes after cremation.

Thank you for your replies.

The information about the neck bone being separated was told by a monk when staying at a shukubo in Koya-san. I might have misunderstood it or maybe it is part of the shingon sect. Not sure.

Where I live they don't seem to separate the bones but rather grind them to "nothingness" having much higher temperature during cremation.

I am not sure if it is possible at all here to actually do it "the Japanese way", not nessicarily with the bone picking ceremony with chopsticks.

They are in fact very strict coming to the handling of ashes afterwards. You cannot bring it home or anywhere without permission, even if the passed would permit it. And I think permission itself is hard to get even though...

When burying my dad I was guarded by the church staff so to make sure I did not steal it or bring it elsewhere. When the urn was in the ground they left.

Concerning what is allowed and what is not, it also depends on the law of each country.

Anyway, the neck bone, or the Adam's apple to be precise, is indeed an important one in Buddism (as we are all explained at crematoriums in Japan), because it is shaped like the Budda sitting as he meditates.

After the deceased is cremated and the bones and ashes are presented to family and friends at the ceremony, the crematorium staff would always put the neck bone aside. And then family takes turns placing each bone inside the pot, until finally the staff puts most of the rest of the bones and ashes in. And then the closest person to the deseased would place the neck bone on top, and then the staff places the head bones on top of that. So finally, it would be like the deceased is sitting inside this one little pot (which is actually pretty big). The pot, with the bones and ashes inside, is placed in the grave days later upon another ceremony, but this is just one pot with everything in it.

As far as I know, the above procedure is the most typical one in Japan, and we did the same for my baptised Christian grandmother when we and the chaplain cremated her and then buried her in the church's grave, just as we did for the other Buddist relatives. By the way, the church's grave is located in a large old graveyard where graves of various religion lies. (It belongs to the church, but it isn't in the church.)

But even in Japan, you can follow other procedures such as scattering ashes, not having grave stones but a tree instead as a landmark, and so on. They're not always the easiest things to do, since you might need the relatives' approval or you certainly need to contact the right organisations so that you won't be annoying neighbors with the ashes, but things are possible and organisations will help you do what you want to while obeying the law.

You might want to study about similar possibilities in your own country or town.

"they put neckbone and other ashes separated from each other in the grave."
it is not a unique. it is a common and standard procedure. the procedure is called as 骨拾い,　or お骨拾い
the bones are stored in two pots.
one is small. it contains のどぼとけ,nodo-botoke, neckbone.
another is large. it contains a part of other bones.
the family members pick up bones with chopsticks, and put them in the large pot. foots and legs first (bottom) ,them going up, finally head bones on the top.
thus, the family gets the two bone pots, the small one and the large one.
the bones in the large pot will be stored in the family grave. if they store the bones with the pot, the pot will be there forever. So, the bones (of the large pot) are replaced into a cloth bag and stored under the family grave. there is a small room (the room floor directly touches to soil) under the grave. the bone and cloth bag will be ceased after many years.(the bone returns to soil, 土にかえる.)
the small pot will be stored in their family Buddhist altar for some periods (may be up to 1 year ?). Finally, the family brings to the small pot to their temple's "head temple". Koyasan is not one temple. it is an aggregate of head temples of 真言宗,shingon-shu. people brings their small pot to one of head temples in Koyasan. there seems to be several different way of storing. you may know the name of 納骨堂, noukotu-do. that is the place to store them, I think.

returning to the OP's question:
if you can have "the neck bone", bring that to Koyasan. it is easy. you can bring that from overseas.
the only thing you must know is "need money".

Thank you so much for very informative answers.