Sincere or fake politeness

This has been on my mind for a while.
I'm confused on how much of it was sincere and how much of it was just politeness. Of course i know there're moments of both sincere and politeness.

Like japanese have to return every gift they received even if they don't want to, just because they feel like they owe you something?
And do they have to greet you everyday through mail just because you're acquainted(different country)?
Since they're generally polite, they will not mistaken my politeness/nature as something else, right? (E.g. sharing food or borrowing umbrella, etc)

The gift-reciprocating thing is something that some people might feel obligated to do rather than genuinely wanting to do... I mean, true friends would think of others so that when they bump into things that their know their friends would like, they might simply buy it and give it no matter the occasion. But some gift-giving occasions do call for something in return, so people do that so as not to offend others or to avoid being thought of as "not having common sense, or not having good manners." But for the rest it is up to the individual relationships between you and each of your acquaintances/friends.

Greeting each morning via e-mail sounds like they simply want to stay in contact with you.

Daily greetings through mail sounds creepy - it's almost stalking.

To AK,
Thank you for your response.
So with gifts, there's no way to find out whether it's obligation or just a sincere gift.
I'll have to rely on my gut for that.
For the keeping in touch, since we're and will be working together from time to time, I can't really ignore it.
I have to reply and he may have to reply out of obligation/manner back and forth.
How do japanese normally draw the line? Or it's going to be rude to do it?



To Nora,
It's slightly complicated to call it stalking as we're working together. Since I also reply.
I'm just torn where to stop between personal and professional since I'm having difficulty figuring out the obligation/manner thing.

My experience is this, if it's work it's almost always (it's always) polite obligation. When the relationship is personal my test is this; If you've been to the person's home it's sincere, if you haven't it's politeness, but not obligational.

Japanese like to reciprocate gifts so often because they do not want to have the obligation of a favor for the gift, it's much better and less risky to reciprocate a gift.

To PsyGuy,

Thanks for the input!
Been to the house test is not applicable in my case as we're in different country. He's in Japan and I'm in another SEA country.
We're acquainted through work so it has to be the politeness for the gifts.
But for the personal talk, I'd rather take it as friendly.

PS. I just found out that there's no word to exactly translate "friendly" in japan.

Lost in translation somewhere I'm sure.

japanese have to return every gift they received even if they don't want to, just because they feel like they owe you something?

Every American I've seen in my limited experiences brings birthday gifts to birthday parties they're invited to, even if they don't want to, just because they feel like they owe you something. How much of it was sincere and how much of it was just politeness?

By the way, not all Japanese give gifts in return, and hardly any of my Japanese friends bring birthday gifts to birthday parties in Japan.

And do they have to greet you everyday through mail just because you're acquainted(different country)?

This has never happened to me. Maybe I'm too Japanese or too old or whatever. Does everybody do that to you? Do they send you an email per day just to say "hi"? If so, that sounds very weird to me. Maybe your work place has some kind of a unique rule. If it's only one person sending you greetings without mentioning any other topic, it's natural to assume that the person has a crush on you.

Since they're generally polite, they will not mistaken my politeness/nature as something else, right? (E.g. sharing food or borrowing umbrella, etc)

I'm not sure if I understand what you mean, but if no one else but you is sharing food, then that person might think you have a crush on that person. And if you're borrowing umbrellas all the time, they'll start thinking you're a sloppy person who doesn't carry his/her own portable umbrella. Meanwhile, it's natural to share food when everyone else is, and it's okay to borrow an umbrella once in a while.

To Uco,

Thank you for your response!

I don't know how old you are but me and my colleague are both around 30.

No. Not everyone greets me. It's only this one guy. And I wouldn't want to think he has a crush on me since I know he has a girlfriend and all.
Probably I should tone down the replies? Cause I don't wanna be the gaijin plaything or whatever it is that he's thinking of.

And I'm not the sloppy umbrella borrowing chick. They're the ones who didn't bring it. And I just happened to have a spare since it rains almost everyday here in my country.

We return gifts in my country too. Even if they were a friend.
Is he only saying Hi without having a topic to talk about)
I do it sometimes for my cousins because mom always tells me to stay in touch with them but they don't like to chat. I know, I'm cheating.
Maybe he wants to stay in touch with you as someone says before.

About greeting every day: I wouldn't conclude that he has a crush on you, but he sure wants to keep in touch with you, be it just for that, or in anticipation of being able to guide you around if you come to Japan (or vice versa). I don't know how "regular" and how friendly his emails are, but you could just return a short "have a good day" or skip responding for a day or two and say oh you were busy yesterday, or something like that.

EikoPiko,

I notice now that you're in your country which is not Japan. I'm 55, by the way, but I'm trying to think back about how it was ever since email came into our world when I was in my late 30s.

I remember now that when I was an office employee in pre-email era, some men, married or not, used to come around to sort of flirt with me on a daily basis for no special reason. I guess they needed something to look forward to other than boring work. I had been sexually harassed at another office before, so I was careful enough to keep it within a healthy tone.

But I never had thought it was a Japanese thing, because I often see people doing it in foreign fiction movies and TV shows. Meanwhile, some people can feel obligated to "write back", so like you and AK suggested, you may want to tone down your replies and see what happens. That said, I don't think it's a bad thing to exchange short and harmless emails every day with a colleague. I personally try to avoid responding when a man starts complaining about his wife/girlfriend, though. I do respond about the other topics, but make it short about the wife/girl.

And I'm not the sloppy umbrella borrowing chick. They're the ones who didn't bring it.

Then you are probably considered as the generous girl who they can count on. I see no problem if they're properly returning the umbrella.

I just found out that there's no word to exactly translate "friendly" in japan.

Right. There just are too many words to translate "friendly" in Japan.

Chokohime,

It's common to "sometimes" email someone only to say hi without having any other topic to talk about. It's because it happens to the OP every day that some posters like me found it to be a little strange.

To Chocohime,
Thanks for your reply!
It's your cousin in your case. I'm sure just checking in with a simple hi once in a while will do. But hey at least you listen to your mom!
I have to continue working with my colleague in my case, so there's really not much way around it.


To AK,
Yes, your assumptions maybe right cause he did ask me about my plan to visit Japan any time in future. I'll take your advice and pace my replies from time to time. Thank you.


To Uco,
Thanks for the reply.
I do understand your point of view, but so far I haven't sensed any kind of harrasment from him yet, except the regular checking in.
I hope I won't sense any in future too.
I always thought japanese are somewhat conservative so didn't really expect a colleague(especially with a gf in hand) to be doing this. But I'm sure I'm thinking too much of it.

I will keep you guys updated if there's anything else happen except the greetings.

Normally as a business relation, keep gift giving to twice a year, Ochugen n August and Oseibo in December, New Year card exchanges and many small gifts to as many people as needed, when making a trip to the Japanese office. Anymore than that becomes personal.
I still don't think most of Japanese males fundamentally understand what the sexual harassment or male "chauvinism" is.
"Friendly" can be translated as "Nakayoku or Shitashiku" =having a good mutual and respectful relationship.
From what I read, I feel he has a ulterior motive beyond just a work colleague relationship.
Send a feeler reply that you are too busy to reply everyday or have a boy friend and see what happens.

if he sends you mails only to you, it's just he seduces you or something similar.
if you response it, he will continue to do.
if you don't want to continue it more, reduce the responses gradually.

if he sends mails to everyone, it is just his habit.
ignore it with some convenient excuses, like "I was busy".

Its good to give gifts among family friends and other but some time I feel its too much in Japan.

To ay and Ken,

Maybe i was just thinking too much of it. I sure hope he doesn't have any ulterior motives as I have to continue working with him, and he has a gf after all. I have pace my replies and his mails had reduced too. Thanks both for your replies.


To Art,

Basically the gifts are all food back and forth. I guess that's normal in Japan?