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Japanese language partner's disapperence 2017/5/4 08:58
I have seen a lot of people on this forum talk about Japanese guys and girls disappearing from the face of the earth.
However, I do believe that my situation is a bit tricky.
I had a Japanese language partner for 7 months and we talked everyday. Suddenly, two months ago he had some job changing, house changing, moving around things to do. But he still texted me. Then he slowly started to text less and less until a month ago...no reply. And he forgot my birthday haha
Ok, no seriously...I'm wondering if I should text him and ask him how has he been or just leave it here and consider he doesn't want to talk anymore.
I mean...nothing strange happened between us...we were just talking about random stuff like music, life stories and the rest. There was no romantic involvement here of any kind and there was no argument. We were perfectly functional friends/language partners.
Look, I understand a person is busy but not replying for a month...what he didn't text a single person in a month? Impossible.
So I just want to know...what do you think? Why would person change from talking every day for few hours to not talking at all in one day?
by A girl from Peninsula  

Re: Japanese language partner's disapperence 2017/5/4 10:23
Was it supposed to be a proper language exchange (like you had some agreements like OK we chat/e-mail in English this time, then the next time it will be strictly Japanese, for example, and involved some vocab teaching), or was it friendly talks (which might have taken the form of language exchange)? Can it be that he found a girlfriend and moved in with her, and she doesn't want him to have any lady friend who chats with him regularly?

If I were you, I would write to say you assume everything is OK, he seems to be busy for talks, so, nice talking with you so far, bye, take care.
by AK rate this post as useful

Re: AK 2017/5/4 19:14
It was suppose to be a pure language exchange with correcting mistakes, questions about the language etc. But when you talk to anyone for 7 months or so, you logically start speaking like friends. Plus, I think the best way to learn is to actually try leading a normal conversation. It puts you in a real situation and forms a language which people actually really use. Do you know what I mean? Like "a native speaker" experience. Plus it's more relaxed and it helps people find their own way to express themselves within a certain language.

Since we talked pretty frankly with each other, I know he did not have a girlfriend so finding one within a week and moving in right away would be very unusual and hardly unlikely. Especially because I think Japanese people take dating more slowly. But that on a side, he moved because of work, they transferred him so he had to find a place closer to his house.
But I did think of an option that he might found a girlfriend and she is not happy about him having lady friends. But I repeat, we were just friends, nothing else was here involved except international friendship and helping each other with languages. So I don't quite see why should that be mentioned in a conversation with a girlfriend.

I also thought about just sending hello message and is what's up...it would be the most normal thing. But I don't do it because I believe that in case he has some hardships that might just come off as "out of place" message.
by A girl from Peninsula rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese language partner's disapperence 2017/5/4 19:48
I have heard of couples where the girl complained about and wanted the guy to stop doing chats with his lady friends one on one, even though it was pure friendship :(. So that was my thought.

I guess... you could just send hims a hello message and asking how he's doing - he might not have the time to answer, or he might just hesitate answering after not messaging you for an extended time, but (provided there is no strict girlfriend involved :)) he would probably be glad to see that you care!
by AK rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese language partner's disapperence 2017/5/4 21:58
Well, it doesn't seem so "sudden" to me. He seemed to have sort of let it fade away instead of saying "I'm not speaking to you any more." I'm a female and I've had female email pals really suddenly stop contacting me, but this doesn't seem to be the case.

I often try sending a quick email asking if the other person is doing okay. Usually the person replies with a yes. Then I reply with a short message telling the person I am relieved to know that. Then if the exchange stops right there, I let it be. I don't ask questions and I don't say goodbyes.

You can also wait until December/January to send a seasonal greeting. There is one person I feel obligated to keep contact, and I send her a seasonal greeting once a year, by email because it's easier. She does reply back.
by Uco rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese language partner's disapperence 2017/5/4 22:00
By the way, people on this forum keep saying that "Japanese" friends disappear, but I've had a lot of non-Japanese people stop contacting me.
by Uco rate this post as useful

Re: Uco 2017/5/5 06:44
I see what you mean but I didn't perceive being busy with work as "slowly fading away". Not that I do not understand when people suddenly get "busy" but since there wasn't any kind of argument in question, I just didn't think there was a reason to "fade away"...into the shadows and so on lol
I actually never had a friend who disappeared without trace if we were the friends who talked to each other each day. If the friendship was broken, we would first argue. I have never had people disappear on me if I'm in a regular contact with them. For the ones who are not, well the relationships fade away but it's a natural consequence - it's not forced.
Maybe this is just strange for me but I don't quite understand why would someone disappear without a reason and if there is a reason - why not saying something? It sounds like an option. It can't be something that bad if no major conflicts emerged.
by A girl from Peninsula rate this post as useful

Re: AK 2017/5/5 06:49
What you are saying is technically right - I can't really lose much with a simple hello.
About the girlfriend who wants a guy to stop messaging his lady friends - that's not so rare really but I just thought that an online language partner just wouldn't be mentioned at all to a girlfriend. At least not anything special about it. But I guess it depends on a relationship type.
There is something that popped to my mind when you wrote that about a girlfriend thing. I think the frequency of messages dropped somewhere after White Day....:S Now that I think about it - your theory is pretty sound.
by A girl from Peninsula rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese language partner's disapperence 2017/5/5 07:08
Hmmmc honestly, Ifm the kind of person who would do something like this. You say he started speaking less and less, I think this is a sign that he started wanting to cut contact politely rather than suddenly stop. This way it would seem less noticeable.

There may be an unknown reason, but some of the time I think that itfs simply that one person gets bored of putting so much effort into a friendship. Donft take this personally, of course, just that having friends can be tiring!

Ifd suggest you send a quick message, whether it be to ask if hefs doing okay or just a random anecdote. I think he will answer if you ask him if hefs okay, he wouldnft want to worry you or cause problems, but he can feel uncomfortable if you attempt to push a conversation too much when he doesnft want to answer anymore. I think the advice Uco gives is the best way to go about things.
by Whoops (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese language partner's disapperence 2017/5/5 07:28
Time to move on. Clearly they are not interested in chatting anymore for whatever their reasons might be.
by hakata14 (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Whoops 2017/5/5 08:27
This is maybe where some people differ in points of view. Honestly, I don't see my friends as something tiring. Then I can might as well not have friends at all. I see friends as a person with who I feel comfortable with. I don't push conversations, not ever. This is something I like to do naturally. In my eyes, friends are not tiring - they are people I'm feel relaxed with and therefore I can have a comfortable conversation with them. If I don't feel like talking some days, I just don't reply. When I do, I reply. Depends on the situation but I don't find it bothersome or as a reason to break a contact.

What is actually really weird is that a few weeks or so before he stopped contacting he asked for my facebook account. Really weird.
by A girl from Peninsula rate this post as useful

Re: Hakata14 2017/5/5 08:27
And because I partially think that that is the case is why I'm not contacting him. lol
by A girl from Peninsula rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese language partner's disapperence 2017/5/5 08:30
Also - I have an additional question - if he does contact me after a long time - what do I do? How do I take this whole situation then? I'm not sure whether to ask where has he been and stuff or just continue talking normally?
by A girl from Peninsula rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese language partner's disapperence 2017/5/5 10:15
I didn't perceive being busy with work as "slowly fading away".

That's not what I meant. You wrote, "he slowly started to text less and less" yourself. That's what I was talking about.

It's natural to assume that he truly got busy (with job, move etc.) and needed to minimize his life. Talking to someone everyday is quite time-consuming, and he even may have had other friends he was talking to on a daily basis.

For the ones who are not, well the relationships fade away but it's a natural consequence - it's not forced.

I'm just curious. What to you is the difference between "natural consequence" and "forced"? Why do you feel that the case with him is the latter?

By the way, March is the time when jobs and housing tend to move a lot in Japan, which coincides with the months of White Day.

What is actually really weird is that a few weeks or so before he stopped contacting he asked for my facebook account.

I was thinking of mentioning social networking on my first response to you, because if you are connected through facebook, you won't have to email everyday. You can click your occasional "like"s that only takes a second to do, and you won't have to write similar emails to all your friends, because you can post one article on facebook and all your friends would be free to read and response or not to. Even if he happens to have a jealous girlfriend, everything can be out in the open as opposed to email secrecy, so the girlfriend can be happy. So his asking for your account is not weird to me at all. Contact him through facebook from now on.

if he does contact me after a long time - what do I do? How do I take this whole situation then? I'm not sure whether to ask where has he been and stuff or just continue talking normally?

Well, you're not as "natural" as you say you are. Ask anything you want, but keep in mind that if you ask questions he will be obligated to answer them.
by Uco rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese language partner's disapperence 2017/5/5 14:08
I think he should have replied once at least even if he was the busiest person on Earth. It take less than a minute to reply. But hey! he might has a reason for his absence. I agree with everyone else, try sending him a Hello message on Facebook and see what happens.
by Tomodachi (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese language partner's disapperence 2017/5/5 17:36
I think he should have replied once at least even if he was the busiest person on Earth. It take less than a minute to reply.

To me it takes more than a few minutes to reply, including the thinking, typing, rereading and sending, even if it's short and even if it's in my fluent languages. And my understanding is that he did reply a few times even after he became busy.
by Uco rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese language partner's disapperence 2017/5/5 18:39
Well, you're not as "natural" as you say you are. Ask anything you want, but keep in mind that if you ask questions he will be obligated to answer them.

No one is obligated to answer questions. It is not a court of law.
by hakata14 (guest) rate this post as useful

Sorry 2017/5/5 18:57
I'm Sorry. I meant to write " he will feel obligated" instead of "be." Thank you for pointing that out.
by Uco rate this post as useful

Re: Japanese language partner's disapperence 2017/5/6 02:26
I'm someone who believe in priority. If he wants to reply, I'm sure he will make time.
I'm sorry but you'llao have to to take it at face value. I had learnt the hard way so that's my 2 cents on it.

People on this forum kept saying "japanese " because that's why we're on this forum to know more about them. Right?
by EikoPiko rate this post as useful

Re: Uco 2017/5/9 08:55
It's natural to assume that he truly got busy (with job, move etc.) and needed to minimize his life. Talking to someone everyday is quite time-consuming, and he even may have had other friends he was talking to on a daily basis.

This is actually completely understandable to me. However, I find it weird that after 7 months of everyday texting someone just stops replying without actually saying "Hey, I won't be online anymore so often...I'm busy". And as someone else said...priorities and well, common sense that you can reply at least once in a month. So I wouldn't naturally assume he is truly busy.

I'm just curious. What to you is the difference between "natural consequence" and "forced"? Why do you feel that the case with him is the latter?

The difference is that "natural consequence" is not set up. It's forced if you plan the "fading away". Which in this case, sounds like he did.

By the way, March is the time when jobs and housing tend to move a lot in Japan, which coincides with the months of White Day.

Hmm....didn't know that. I mentioned the White Day only because it matched with the girlfriend theory. That would actually be very logical tbh.

I was thinking of mentioning social networking on my first response to you, because if you are connected through facebook, you won't have to email everyday. You can click your occasional "like"s that only takes a second to do, and you won't have to write similar emails to all your friends, because you can post one article on facebook and all your friends would be free to read and response or not to. Even if he happens to have a jealous girlfriend, everything can be out in the open as opposed to email secrecy, so the girlfriend can be happy. So his asking for your account is not weird to me at all. Contact him through facebook from now on.

It is weird to me in a sense. He actually doesn't post often at all. He told me he re-opened his facebook so he can chat with foreign friends. Actually he asked me which social network is the best for international communication and I said facebook and then he re-opened it.

Well, you're not as "natural" as you say you are. Ask anything you want, but keep in mind that if you ask questions he will be obligated to answer them.

You can't really be natural in the situation you have never been in. Also, with "natural" I meant the flow of a normal conversation. I didn't really mean the awkward disappearing...this is not natural for anyone.
by A girl from Peninsula rate this post as useful

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