Moving to Japan for partner

Hi! I've been struggling for the past few months and after a long deep thinking and since I have no one neutral to ask for advice, I decided to give this forum a try.

I'm a 28-year-old foreigner who has been dating a 31-year-old japanese man for the past year and a half.

Long story short, I went to Japan on a Working Holiday Visa last year, we met, fell in love, started dating and even lived together for about 10 months. After my visa was over, he came to my country with me to visit, corona hit and he ended up isolated in my house with my family until he could finally come back to Japan. Struggles and all, so far so good. We have a really good relationship and marriage was discussed many times.

Our plan initially was for him to come and meet my family, see how my country was so he could decide whether he could see himself moving here or not. Unfortunately, since quarantine became effective as soon as we arrived, he couldn't see anything at all.

Now after returning to Japan 2 months ago, he became distant, allegedly due to work stress. Yet, after some talk, it turned out that he isn't sure about moving here, naming work and salary as his main concern. I've always told him that, if he really couldn't see himself living here, I'd be the one moving back to Japan. However, that was in case he would actually see how my country was, then made a decision, not blindly deciding based on his own imaginary of how life here is, which has left me a bit disappointed.

However, it's not love advice per se what I would like to ask of you (it is welcomed though) but a few points that worry me about moving to Japan:
1) I've heard many times how married couples dynamic differs greatly from just dating. Mostly, men only focusing on work and women only focusing on children. Almost like two friends rising kids together, but with no romance whatsoever. Is this actually so common or just a stereotype? Does the outcome changes with a foreign partner in the math? Hearing him so concerned about work and salary instead of work-life balance or family quality time worries me greatly...

2) As a foreigner woman, what are my chances of finding a stable, decent paying job in Tokyo? I've worked full shifts last year in the capital (as in 50 hours a week average), but with an arubaito contract and a rather low salary (\140,000 top, after nenkin, taxes and medical insurance discount). I have a JLPT N1 level (passed exam last year), I'm a lawyer and notary public in my country (which, due to law differences between countries, didn't seem to worth much when job hunting in Japan...), advanced level English and native Spanish and I've been teaching Japanese for the past 5 years as well (which, again, doesn't seem really useful in Japan, does it?). It was really tough to find a decent job last year, and to be honest, I wasn't pleased with the one I ended up with. However, I'm not sure if that was because of my personal conditions or my visa status (since WH doesn't allow permanent contracts). I've heard a lot about discrimination towards recently married woman or woman with children, since the child leave of absence is quite long in Japan and most employers rather not hiring someone who can get pregnant anytime (or so I heard). Is this really true or is it greatly exaggerated?

3) Regards spouse visa, I have the impression, only based on what I've read online, that the foreigner spouse's situation is rather vulnerable, since if a divorce were to occur, they have to leave the country, without a chance to stay as a divorcée, unless the company you're working for is willing to sponsor you for a working visa. I've also read that Japan's law doesn't recognize shared parenting rights, so in case of divorce they choose one parent (generally, the Japanese national one) to take care of the children and the other parent is left without any right to see their kids if the parent in charge refuses to. Is this impression correct or is it not such a nightmare in reality?

Overall, I would like to hear what married foreigners in Japan can share with me about their own experience, or if you have any friend or family member that married a Japanese person. I've mostly read foreign men married with Japanese women experience, but not so much about foreigner women (are they really so few? D:).

I'm very sorry for the long post. It's difficult to ask friends or family for advice, since they see living in Tokyo as something so stressful that they don't take our feelings into account, just pointing out that if he doesn't want to come I should just break up. However, I believe relationships require an effort from both sides. I can't demand him to move here if I'm not willing to do the same for him. Yet, I don't want to act blindly and my boyfriend, no matter how helpful he tries to be, cannot see the little differences between living in Japan and living somewhere else because Japan is all he knows.

Therefore, I would like to hear from you, please! Thank you very much in advance 🙏

Hi Vicky

I'm a foreigner woman married to a Japanese man. I'm English. I do not know where you are from but your culture may be different to mine so your experiences would be different. I cannot comment on all your points but there are some I have experience with.

Married life in Japan can be difficult due to my culture. My husband has basically sold his soul to his company and this is the case for a lot of salary men. He is too tired and stressed for any romance, spending time with me is not his priority. As a western woman it is difficult when we are all about the love side of relationships. He works all hours of the day, sometimes overtime with no pay and at home on he weekends he often works. Women being all about the children is the case when you have children but not always before, career women do exist. It depends on what you want in life, but if you do want children, you need to be prepared that you will be the one doing pretty much everything as your husband works. That's kinda the way I see it here with my sisters in law. My mother in law was often pressuring me for children as she sees it as a woman's job. My husband and I are not keen any time soon.

Speaking of Japanese mothers in law, they can be the worst, not all are bad, but in society they are seen as above you and my god my mother in law has used that against me to the point I become heavily depressed. Luckily we have moved reasonably far away and I have cut her off, my husband was quite understanding about this, if I wasn't the perfect Japanese wife I would be complained about all the time, she continued to cause arguments which then my husband overheard some of the things she said to me and took action. Not all mother in law will be this bad, but i have heard similar things about other mother in laws here where they try and make your marriage all about them.

Personally I am struggling to find part time work here, but I live in a much smaller city than Tokyo, I am not N1 and not a lawyer with a degree. I reckon you can find something if you already have a spouse visa when you are living in Japan. There are no restrictions on what work you can do and they will see you as someone here long term.

I do not have any experience with divorce here, but I have heard similar stories to what you said in the forums here too!

Personally I think to move to Japan, you have to be really committed to that man, because it's not gonna be easy. You will need to find something rewarding here, whether it's a job you love, a hobby or volunteering to give you something to focus on. That's what I have done and it's working wonders. I was with my husband several years before we got married, maybe give yourselves more time to see if it's what you will really want.

Other people may have had more positive experiences than I, and it's just an example, but they are things to be aware of, especially about working for a Japanese company as a salaried worker...

On #3 - yes - you are vulnerable. I know someone who was married more than 20 years (with teenage kids) and her husband dumped her. I think she has PR, but put into a situation with no income or support, but otherwise, she would have needed to leave the country.

Thank you both very much for your honest reply.

I agree with @Shelly about not rushing things and taking at least a few months before making a choice. We've been doing long distance for only 2 months and a half, and in the current global situation where neither of us can travel to meet nor know what the economical/labor related situation will be after, it's difficult to make a choice. I believe we should focus on making our relationship even stronger in the meantime, then the answer might come more naturally.

However, he says he's too stressed with work and being in a long distance relationship without a clear goal with a clear date for the long distance part to end is making him even more stressed...

We agreed to take a couple of days "off"-meaning no contact whatsoever- to clear our thoughts and sort out our feelings, then we'll Skype and have an open heart talk. Hopefully it'll go well. I at least feel better knowing my view about living in Japan wasn't so off after all. Thanks again!

I really wish you the best Vicky, i forgot to mention that I too was living in a different country whilst in my relationship with my husband (boyfriend at the time) for many years. long distance itself is a challenge.

good luck with everything and if you need any support, please feel free to get in touch. there are many wonderful things about living in japan along with many challenges.

Thank you, Shelly!

We actually got to talk yesterday and we both were a lot calmer this time. We agreed that there was no rush, no pressure and that the current situation wasn't ideal to make such
an important choice.

We agreed on not making any definite decision until we could both meet in person again (I'll be traveling to Japan once it is allowed) and that instead of worrying about our future plans we'll focus on making our relationship stronger and sharing despite the distance.

He said he has been googling and asking around about life in my country, just like I've been, and that he hasn't find any downsides to it from his point of view. The only thing that bothers him is job related (what can he do here, finding something that makes him feel useful), so he'll look for remote work options in his field and consider moving here for at least a year before making a definite decision.

I'm usually an insecure kind of person and the idea of keeping distance and silence for a couple days scared me, but I'm glad we did. It was the longest time we've been without hearing from each other and, in his own words, that helped him realize how much he loves me and would miss me if I were to disappear from his life. He said that no matter how hard the challenge might be for both of us, it is definitely worth it for a life next to me and that he is not willing to give that up no matter what. I think it's the first time he has been this open and direct with his feelings. So all in all I'm glad we went through this after all.

Once again, thank you very much! I thought I should let you know how it went, since I always feel a bit disheartened and worried when I give advice to someone but don't hear back to know how it went. Thanks!

Thank you for the update Vicky, I am so pleased you got to have this kind of open discussion with your boyfriend.

Also I am glad you are not rushing into this massive decision, both of you are weighing up the possibilities and taking it seriously, with your mindsets it sounds like things will work out for you both if you just take your time.

If you remember down the line, it would be great to hear how it turned out, where did you both end up living and getting married etc. It's nice to hear other stories from people who are were in the same situation as me.

Take care of each other, i hope to hear from you in the future, and thank you for reaching out for advice, it makes me realise that I'm not alone in what I was going through too