Need help repairing friendship

When I was 15, a Japanese exchange student came to my high school in New Zealand. We got along well and became good friends. At the end of the year holidays, he invited his new friends to come to Japan as he said he would be bored without his new friends. His name was 和や (Kazuya).

I was the only one who accepted his invitation and spent my life savings (about $4,000 NZD) on this trip. I stayed for 5 weeks at his family's apartment in Tokyo.

Nearly every day, 和やdisappeared, and so did the rest of his family. His father had to work and his mother also. His brother had to study at college and I had no idea where 和や went; I imagine to catch up with his Japanese friends.

Over the 5 weeks, I became quite disconnected from 和や, but instead built good rapport with his father, and his father took me sightseeing in the weekends.

After the 5 weeks I felt as if I had spent more time with his father than with 和や. I travelled back to New Zealand feeling slightly angry towards him for not teaching me more about Japan. In fact, most days I took the train to the same video games arcade and challenged the same guy at Tekken Tag! This is where most of my time was spent.

We completely ruined our friendship because I became drunk with his brother (I was only 15!) and said some nasty things that I obviously did not mean. I am not sure, but I think 和や told his family (once I was back in NZ) about the situation and they now have a grudge on me.

I am going back to Japan, and I am now 22 years of age, and have not had a drop of alcohol for almost 4 years. I know where they live, but I am not sure how Japanese grudges work.

Would it be OK for me to go back, and apologise to them sincerely, or would that make matters worse?

If you know their address, it would be beter to offer an apologizy and let them know how you regret the incident and would like to rebuild the friendship in a letter first.

It is a very mature thing to admit one's fault. I hope your friend also grew up over the years.

Why not send them an appologetic letter or email or postcard. Tell them that you've already booked a place to stay (very important) and that they are free to contact you to have some coffee while you're there.

Thank you both very much for your advice. I know now that apologising will be the first step towards rebuilding this friendship.

However, when I said that I knew where he lived, I simply know which apartment building he lives in, and which floor. I can find it on Google Maps　because I remember the route to walk from the closest train station, but I do not know how to address the letter without knowing precisely the name of the apartment building etc etc.

Also, at the time of our falling out, he told me never to email him again. To honour his request, I deleted his email address, and 7 years later I have forgotten it entirely, but I doubt he would be using the same address.

If I point out the position of his address in private on Google Maps (the map that shows street names etc), can somebody aid me in addressing a letter to him, and his family?

Hey Dave, correct me if I'm wrong but I figure that as an exchange student, he'd be the same age as u, ie. 15.

In asian context, 15 years is still considered young, and at that age, PR skills probably won't be featured very highly on any youngster's list. Also, hypothetically, he might feel shy or afraid of being laughed at by his other friends if seen with a foreigner. (of course this might be mere speculation)

I gather that both parties might be in the wrong, however, if you are sincere in mending this relationship, it is better to take a step backwards, swallow some pride and put the blame on yourself. Sometimes, this might work in your favour since the other party might reflect on his actions.

As for tracking him down, I don't think it'll be a very wise move to go look for him directly. Instead, you might want to make a few discreet enquiries with the people living around the area. They might know him.

You also might not be able to reconcile with his family on the first occassion, so be prepared. However, so many years have passed since the incident and I guess they'd have forgiven you already. Good luck!