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how to refuse in English in a polite way 2007/10/27 02:54
Here is my question, when you are not interested in and dont wanna meet him or her, how do you refuse his or her mail or offer??

I met some guys and met two of them at cafe. They were nice and i enjoyed chatting with them in a friendly way.(its common for japanese to treat people they even dont know in a polite manner). So they thought i have enjoyed being with them. In fact i am not interested in them though...
Then they mailed me and called me sometimes saying ''lets meet again.'' I sometimes ignore their mails and also their calls, because i feel reluctant to see them again. In Japan, if she or he doesnt mail you back or doesnt answer your call, its definite that she or he is not interested in you.(dont you think so?) I complete ignore one. But i hear some people dont like people who ignore or disappear, and prefer to be told something. Its good if i have some effective methods in a nice way to let them know my feeling. They are self conscious(i think many foreighners think they are handsome by themselve but for me, they are not handsome..(well... its my point of view though...) so i cant say honestly that i am not interested in them or etc...If i so, they will feel bad, wont they? If i am said like this, i will feel bad. So i thought ignoreing is the best way, but for some people, its not a good way... I wanna know what other people do to refuse foreighner people's offer??? Any good solution?
by elbi  

in my opinion 2007/10/27 09:12
il say in numbered points

1. Sorry but i don't think this is going to work out
(generally speaking you are saying to him that you feel the relationship will not go anywhere)

1a. if he asks why, just say you aren't neccessarly interested him, meaning you perhaps like someone else

1b. if he asks why again, just say you are more then happy to be his friend

2. if he asks you on a date or something, just say you can't make it and are busy, no need to give a huge explanation, just tell him anything

3. Say you can't see him anymore

well shall i go on? some of those are kinda negative yet truthful and to the point, i could write for hours but that wouldn't give everyone else a chance to chime in lol
by by the way rate this post as useful

I'm a foreigner 2007/10/27 12:27
myself, and i've been in a same situation though i'm in the oppsoite side.

Here's my opinion:
- don't give phone numbers and emails in the first place. why would you give them when in fact you dont want to communicate again?
But maybe for some Japanese it's hard to turn down when asked the numbers, so
- when he/she call or email you, instead ignoring, just tell your busy or simply can't meet them. if he/she ever email again, then ignore. Most will understand.
- It's best if you just tell you enjoyed their companion, but dont want to meet again. In any words is ok. It's still polite and understandable for many people.

For people from different cultur, no answer may confuse.

It's good you ask here that you seem want to improve something from foreigner's perspective!
by .. rate this post as useful

well said above 2007/10/27 13:44
although one of your points was a slightly reworded version of mine lol

Anyway yeah, you need to be brutal to be honest, i mean some guys just can't understand no, or think they have a chance with you, even if you say hundreds of times your not interested, or blow them off by not talking

honesty is the only thing you can do, you could offer friendship but they may take advantage of that, just be your polite, usual self and see how that goes

infact post here and let us all know
by by the way rate this post as useful

make up a story 2007/10/27 14:27
I know it's not a very honest thing to do, but why don't you pretend that you have a boyfrined? You can tell those guys that you are seeing someone, and your new boyfriend doesn't like you meeting other guys or something.
See, some guys...they never give up unless they know that you are not available at all.
This isn't only foreigner thing. I had this Japanese married man in his 30's whom I met through work sending mails and leaving messages on my cell phone every week for over a year. I ignored him for over a year, but he never gave up so I asked my male friend to pretend that he and I are engaged. It worked.

Oh, by the way, he also thought he was cute. Every girls who know him noticed that he thinks he is cute. He acts like it. But nogirls thought he was cute. I really don't understand guys who are not cute are so overestimating themsevles, and on the other hand, some guys who are actually cute are underestimating themselves.
by mochi rate this post as useful

. 2007/10/27 17:39
This is such a good topic.

If you weren't interested in the first place then why did you hang out with them at all? Can I ask you honestly if you might actually have continued going out with them if you decided you liked them enough, after meeting in the cafes?

As a guy, I think it is better to be rejected by a girl directly rather than still be given any false hope.

You might want to write back to them and say, I'm sorry but I already have a boyfriend. I only wanted to make a friend but I feel bad afterwards, or something pretending to be innocent.

If they continue at a pace you aren't comfortable with, then just tell them, sorry my boyfriend won't let me go out again with another guy, after he found out.

Simple white lie will work.
by Blanc rate this post as useful

thanks! 2007/11/5 00:46
Hi hi hi,

Thanks a lot! I didnt expect that many advices are written here. Finally i told them "i got boyfriend,and he doesnt want me to see other guys." They were not persistent, they understand what i wanna say. If they dont see me as a friend, i enjoy being with them, but if they expect me to be their girl friend, i dont feel comfortable to hang out with them. So i decided not to contact them anymore.
by elbi rate this post as useful

Hope this helps. Good Luck 2008/6/8 15:54
I have spoken English since I was a child. I believe that simply saying there was no interest towards them on your part then they usually understand. Basically think if you were rejected you would not be upset you no longer have to waste time getting someonefs attention that does not want yours. Think of a Band aid you just rip it off and go on. Tell them you are not interested and go on. Block them if you have to or simply write them and tell them you are changing numbers if they call you again. But with some guys you simply act insane and they run for the hills.
by Renee 19 rate this post as useful

Honesty is the Best Policy 2008/6/12 15:42
Being honest is the best.

However, the advice I think is the most important is to never give out your personal information when you first meet people. If you really like them, give them your internet e-mail if you must. However as a girl, you should ask for their e-mail and write them back later if you want to. I hope this helps! :)
by Kame-chan rate this post as useful

Honesty is the best policy 2008/6/14 14:33
It is possible to be forward and honest without being brutal. In many western cultures ignoring someone is very rude. When you're rejecting someone, you usually aren't obligated to explain why, the issue ought to be easily resolved with a statement such as, "I'm sorry but I'm not interested in a relationship with you." If they're persistent afterwards, then a stronger response or blocking contact from them may be required, but most people won't push the subject. If such rejection hurts their feelings, it isn't really your fault or responsibility.
by Jered rate this post as useful

to echo.. 2008/6/16 05:24
just to echo some previous posts it is considered EXTREMELY rude to simply ignore someone especially if they continue trying to contact you.

the least you can do is tell them you're not interested and tell them why. ignoring them entirely is very offensive to most people.

not quite as bad but still annoying is if you go away without telling somebody - especially if you were in the middle of talking to them on the phone or chat, etc. i notice many japanese don't realize this - don't make this mistake as you will upset or worry your friends.
by winterwolf rate this post as useful

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