wedding etiquette

Is it custom for a host family to invite the student to their relative's wedding?

Japanese like to separate there different worlds. Family doesn't blend with friends, friends don't blend with work, work doesn't blend with private life and so on.

Usually weddings are for immediate family only.

I went to a friends wedding last week and NO ONE from the Japanese brides family came.

It's not custom, but I would think it's a good chance for the student. Ask your relatives if it is ok.

I would agree with May. While it may not be a common occurence, it would surely be a great opportunity for the exchange student to see what a Japanese wedding is like. It might not be so much fun if the student is young and there are no other guests there of a similar age.

If the student is invited he/she should buy a gift. This is another ball of wax as buying an appropriate wedding gift is a tricky endeavor, even in one's native country (unless the bride has a gift list in a store)

In Japan, cash (a couple hundred to a thousand dollars)is given as wedding gifts. The closer you are to the person.the more you give. A thank you gift in return proportionate to your gift.

I agree, the gift here is money in a special envelope, I have never heard of a wedding registry here like they have in some other countries.

A student can probably get away with giving 10,000 yen, an employed person should probably give 30,000 at the least.
(Gifts of 20,000 and 40,000 are not given as they are considered bad luck).

Interesting that the OP hasn't responded yet, but assuming (s)he is a Japanese host family member, (s)he should know very well that wedding gift money is typically given per household. So if the OP is taking the student as his/her host child, the OP can present one envelope with cash in it worth the whole family including the student.

However items can indeed be given instead of cash. I think it would be great if the student can get hold of a little something from his/her home country.

Either way, typically students don't pay for relative's wedding banquettes. The parents will usually provide the expenses (i.e. gift money) in the students' behalf.

If I may, I would like to ask more questions about japanese wedding etiquette. We are invited to our Japanese (exchange student with us many years ago) daughter's wedding. There will be a ceremony at a wedding chapel in the morning and a large reception/party at another hotel in the evening...Should we put our money gift for all of us (3 people) in one envelope? Do we present it at the wedding or at the reception. Also, we have been told that the wedding is ''more casual'' than the evening reception. I have a long black evening dress that should be apropriate for the evening...I've been told that black is the correct formal color. Would a red short dress be appropriate to wear for the wedding ceremony itself? (My husband will be wearing a dark suit for both occasions). I look forward to your help and suggestions.

Raesansan,

"Should we put our money gift for all of us (3 people) in one envelope?"

If you're giving cash, that is customary. You can also give items instead of cash.

"Do we present it at the wedding or at the reception?"

Typically, you should either present it to the receptionist of the banquett (reception), or you can hand it to her a few days earlier if you ever have a chance to meet her. If you're giving items, don't bring it to the ceremony or banquette, since it would be a burden for the busy couple to bring them home.

"I have a long black evening dress that should be apropriate for the evening...I've been told that black is the correct formal color."

That is fine, but while there are indeed a lot of female guests who wear black on weddings, black is the formal color for men's suits. A lot of specialists recommend females to wear pleasant colors like blue, pink or yellow. Also, although it's a formal dinner banquette, a lot of guests will get away with knee high dresses. Perhaps an evening dress will be appropriate for you since you are practically her parent, but you say "3 people". If the other person is a young lady, she can wear either an evening dress or a shorter dress.

"Would a red short dress be appropriate to wear for the wedding ceremony itself?"

Red is a happy color, so that would be appropriate. Again, no problem with lighter colors as well.

"My husband will be wearing a dark suit for both occasions"

That's appropriate too. Just be sure he doesn't wear a long black tie since that's for funerals. A black bow tie however is not a problem at all.

Are you traveling to Japan for the wedding, or is the wedding not in Japan? I think this will factor into what kind of gifts and dress are appropriate.

Thank-you so much for your quick reply. Your answers have helped a lot. The wedding is going to take place in Japan. The third person is a young woman and she will be wearing a shorter aqua colored dress. I'll, be sure to tell my husband about the tie....would a colorful print tie be apropriate or a more somber dark print? He generally doesn't wear bow-ties. We are all very excited to be invited, it is a honor for us all and we don't want to make any unknowing mistakes or embarrass the bride. We have read about giving money as gifts, so we plan on fixing that when we get to Japan, but we will also have along a small wedding gift for the couple. I have noted that certain sums of money should be avoided as they are "bad luck"...how should I figure an amount for 3 people? For gifts to take along, I have been looking at different suggestions on this site and have gotten some special Snaps to bring for the bride's fiancé and her father and some special local tea blends for her mother. This will be the first time we meet her family. Should we have small gifts for other relatives (brother's...both in their late 20's and aunt)? I appreciate your taking the time to help me with these questions....I don't want to bother the bride with questions, more than I have to...I know she is very busy now with all the planning.

"would a colorful print tie be apropriate or a more somber dark print?"

Actually, if it's a long tie, pure white is customary, but double-checking photos on the web, I notice that speciallists also recommend pale colors or vivid stripes. Why not bring a few ties and ask for advise from your hotel conceirge. Or you can ask at a department store clerk for advise while you buy some souveniors from them. If you decide you need a white tie, you can buy it here. They're even available at train station news stands.

"how should I figure an amount for 3 people?"

Several websites confirms me that 100,000 for a family of three is customary. This may seem a lot (or less??), but guests will be having a free dinner and gifts to take home. I'm sure you know that you can obtain fresh notes at banks, and you can purchase appropriate envelopes and ask how to use/write it at stationary shops.

"Should we have small gifts for other relatives (brother's...both in their late 20's and aunt)?"

I suppose that if you're going to give indivisual gifts to her parents, it might be best to give gifts to just all people who are living with them so that it would seem fair.

But take it easy. Foreign visitors are usually excused for any cultural mistakes they may make, and the fact that you are invited, already implies that they are willing to accept you as you are. Have fun!

I usually bring more gifts than I actually need to give to others so I'm not empty handed. Keep in mind that Japan is a gift giving culture; you give gifts as well as receive them. I find it very difficult to "outgive" Japanese.

Just to add, my parents sometimes recieve a variety of small gifts from foreign friends, not mentioning which is for whom, and I get to pick whatever I want when I visit my folks. Things like European chocolate and Asian chili sauce are treats for me :)

Ohh, so many good ideas...I'll pack several ties for my husband (here, a white tie is for funerals...interesting how customs differ). And I'll be sure to have some extra small presents along. After this discussion, I know understand better our last visit to Japan. We met our Japanese daughter and a male friend of hers. We had gifts along for her and gave him a bottle of wiskey...later in the visit he returned with lovely presents for us. We were so surprised, but know understand the customs better. Thank-you all so much.

You have a Japanese heart. I think that is all that matters.