Japanese views on cohabitation?

Just wondering how the Japanese feel about unmarried couples living together. I'm especially curious about how the younger Japanese (30s and under) view cohabitation and the people who do it.

Do they feel that people in Western societies have too lax of an attitude toward living together before marriage?

How many young unmarried Japanese couples live together? Is it common, or really rare?

I'm sure it depends on where you live, but not too far outside of the big cities where I live I would say that it is pretty rare. An overwhelming percentage of the unmarried people I know live at home with their parents. Setup costs are extremely high to get out and live on your own, even with a roommate. This is a pretty big barrier to cohabitation.

If you are a foreign guy and living together with a young Japanese girl, she would probably face a lot of rejection, especially from family. If the family does not agree strongly, they may disown her. If she in near her 30s, the family may be desperate for her to get married, so it would be a marriage trial type of situation. If it doesn't work out, there will be much shame for her to deal with. Japan does not generally accept living together situations.

I've noticed through my friends that at least in London and Paris a lot of unmarried couples live together openly. It is probably so in other major Western cities.

In Japan, although I would say that it is not too rare for unmarried couples to be living together, most of them do it secretly. A lot of times, their parents would be the last to know, and at other times, the parents might know, but the neighbors would think they're brothers and sisters since the couple won't talk about it to them (and in Japan, it is just not customary to kiss and hug in public). Or others may think they're practically lifetime partners but chose to put on different family names on their door (i.e. for business mail purposes or for political reasons).

This is because cohabitation of couples in love without lifelong promises is often frowned at by the older generation. A lot of people think there's no reason to do so. If you wanna live together, then get married, is what they'd say.

Actually, I don't believe that the high setup costs is the reason for less cohabitation, although it can very often be the reason for living with parents. In other words, a lot of married couples would even live with a pair of parents in order to save money and to take care of each other.

I'm 46, but that's my understanding about couples including those in their 30s.

I'm half Japanese, and I cohabited with my now husband for 4 yrs before getting married last year.

Whenever I visited my Japanese relatives, they asked me if I had an BF. As soon as I told them yes I do have English BF and we live together, they all said

''So when's the wedding then?''

It didn't matter what age or generation - both old and young relatives and my Japanese friends all assumed I was cohabiting in view with impending marriage!

They never ever said anything obviously negative about me cohabiting because I'm half English and they probably just thought I don't follow Japanese view (which is true), but for them to assume marriage just because we lived together kinda gave me the message they didn't approve.

It really used to annoy me even though they really didn't mean to offend me. I used to say things like ''maybe we'll have kids first before marrying'' just to shock and shut them up.

Now that I am married, it's ''so when is the first child going to be born?'' Arrrrrrgh!!!

I don't know too much on it but what I have seen and been told is it's less common than in the US but it's getting more common espessially in areas like tokyo where rent is more expensive. I know quite a few single japanese guys who have had some point in their life lived with atlast 1 girlfriend, and they weren't engaged at the time or anything. Boy/Girl couple is okay usually but the roommate thing with 2 or more people of the same sex is really rare.

I think we scared the OP away. He hasn't posted recently.

Thanks everyone for your answers, they really have offered me a lot of insight into Japanese views on cohabitation! I am currently living with my boyfriend (I am female) and I have told a few Japanese friends about it via email, but they haven't responded, so I was just wondering what their thoughts about the topic might be. Good to hear that it isn't as rare or taboo as I might have initially believed it was :)

Uco, I appreciate your answer as well, but I think that your second reply was a little uncalled for. I know it's easy to be hostile on the internet where you're anonymous, but next time you should think about practicing the "netiquette" that you preach.

So your not living in Japan?

Kiki, thank you for your feedback.

I think you may have gotten the wrong impression. Living together is rare and risky in Japan. I don't think the risk of living together is worth it. The people who I know who have tried living together have caused pain to their families. This being said, more and more Japanese are having babies out of marriage and end up getting married; but they don't live together before getting married.

No, I'm not living in Japan. I'm an American of Asian descent, and I am living in Seattle (USA) with my boyfriend who is white.

One of my Japanese female friends finally replied to me, but she didn't say or ask anything about my living situation. Maybe she's not sure how to respond? Oh well, I'm not worried about it... I was mostly just wondering how she would feel about the news and whether or not she would be shocked ;)

Makio, what is "risky" about living together in Japan? I lived with my now-husband (Japanese) for a while before we got married, it didn't cause any problems that I am aware of.

I also know quite a few young (and also not-so-young) Japanese couples who live together and are not married, or who lived together for a year or more before they got married.

It depends a lot on the families involved what the reactions are, but in large cities at least it is less and less rare these days, and I still can't think of what might be risky about it.

There may be nothing wrong with it for the couples, but for their families, it might cause a lot of problems. In your case it was a Japanese man, and you got married. In the case of Japanese woman, and they don't get married, she may have many problems that are not worth it.

The friends I mentioned consist of male-female couples, and the women haven't had problems that I know of- not all families are that conservative.

Also my husband's sister isn't married yet but lives with her boyfriend- clearly this family is one of the more open-minded ones.

Times are obviously changing- when my parents got married back in the early 70s in NZ, living together before marriage was still frowned upon- it is now the norm, and it looks to me like Japan is moving in that direction too, although I'd say it will be slower progress.

My brother is living with his girlfriend, and I've know a couple of Japanese girls who have lived and are living with their boyfriends. The couples are happy with the situations, but it's the parents who go through the pain. The couples living together don't see what the parents go through. Why not just get married?

I said:
I'm sure it depends on where you live, but not too far outside of the big cities where I live I would say that it is pretty rare. An overwhelming percentage of the unmarried people I know live at home with their parents. Setup costs are extremely high to get out and live on your own, even with a roommate. This is a pretty big barrier to cohabitation.

and Uco said:
Actually, I don't believe that the high setup costs is the reason for less cohabitation, although it can very often be the reason for living with parents. In other words, a lot of married couples would even live with a pair of parents in order to save money and to take care of each other.

I was a little unclear on my comment. I didn't mean that the setup costs prevent cohabitation, but rather that many people choose to live at home to save money (while single and after marrying) and that it is living with your parents that makes it a more difficult to for your unmarried partner to move in with you. Times are changing though.

Makio said:
My brother is living with his girlfriend, and I've know a couple of Japanese girls who have lived and are living with their boyfriends. The couples are happy with the situations, but it's the parents who go through the pain. The couples living together don't see what the parents go through. Why not just get married?

I'm sure many parents are still pretty conservative and would prefer that their children marry before living together, but not everyone is so conservative. Getting married is a big step, and living together first can be a good test to see if you're really compatible for marriage.

Society is changing, and one reason to live together before marriage is to see if you are compatible. I know that divorce causes people's parents "pain" as well, so why get married before you are ready? I also have a few Japanese friends who have been divorced, most likely in part because they married in their early 20s without ever living together beforehand, and then found they were not compatible at all. The second time round some of them are trying co-habitation first, probably a very good idea.

"Pain" is a somewhat overly dramatic word anyway, in my opinion. All societies change, Japanese parents will get used to the idea eventually.

Yllwsmrf, I see your point now.

I think that living together is a great way to "test the waters" before you actually commit to spending the rest of your life with someone. Maybe after living together, you'll discover that you're not really that compatible after all. Or, maybe you'll discover that you two are perfect for each other, and then you can enter into marriage feeling confident about your choice.

I agree that at least in the US, times are changing, and many young people here are open to and accepting of the idea of cohabitation. It might be the older generation or the super religious that have a more of a problem with it... my boyfriend's family is Mormon, and I don't think they 100% approve of us living together while unmarried, but they don't seem to hold it against me either. So I guess all really depends on the society, on the family, and on the individuals themselves.