"No gifts" wedding but fee for party?

Our son has been working in Japan for 3 years. He will be marrying a Japanese woman in Kobe next spring. They plan a traditional wedding ceremony in a Shinto shrine. It will be followed by a reception meal in a nearby restaurant.

They have made all the arrangements for the ceremony at the shrine, but I am feeling uneasy about their plans for the reception.

They said that they are planning to request ''no gifts'' so that their guests will not feel obligated to give them large amounts of cash (I've heard that 30,000 yen is customary). In turn, they would not give any gifts to their guests.

By saying ''no gifts'', they are hoping that more of their friends will be able to come (about 30-40 guests).

They would, however, ask their guests to pay for their own reception meals at the restaurant. This is the part that makes me uneasy, as it would be quite uncommon to ask wedding guests to pay for a reception meal in the US.

Are their plans reasonable in Japan or are they setting themselves up for an embarrassing situation that would be uncomfortable for both Japanese guests and the few Americans who might attend?

Would a ''no gifts'' request be seen as a violation of etiquette and custom? Would people feel obligated to give something, anyway?

Even if a request for ''no gifts'' is acceptable (maybe even welcome), is it acceptable to specify a fee for the reception? Would the typical expectation be for the couple and their families to absorb the full cost of the whole event as would be the case in the US?

If it is acceptable to ask guests to pay a fee for their own meal at a ''no gifts'' wedding party, how would one communicate this in the invitation?

I will have some other wedding questions later, but for now I would appreciate some guidance in this matter of gift-giving, reception fees, etc.

Thank you.

Tartanwood,

While that is not the "traditional" way of doing things, I don't think it would be considered odd, provided the arrangements were clearly explained on the invitations, and especially if most of the attendees are in the younger age group. By "nearby restaurant", does that mean a meal not costing more than around 5,000 yen? If so, I think that would be seen as quite reasonable in exchange for being excused from having to bring a money gift.

In the couple weddings that I have been to in the last couple months here in Japan (people getting married were in their mid to late 20s), it was the same case for both weddings. Coming from the US, I was also very surprised but that's exactly how it was done at these weddings too.

I did not go to the actual ceremony but I did attend the reception and in my case, we purchased "tickets" to attend the reception (about 8000 yen each at a small restaurant in Shibuya) and did not take any gifts. I was also told that people who attended the actual wedding ceremony "donated" more money.

I guess in these tough economic times, doing it this way just makes it easier for everybody...

That is really becoming the done thing these days, the couple wishes to hold a party so their friends can celebrate with them, but it usually costs a lot to put on such a party. In lieu of gifts (which in Japan is usually cash anyway, remember), guests are asked to contribute to the cost of the party.

I have been to a number of wedding parties like that and enjoyed them.
It is a more recent custom but becoming the norm, so there is no need for you to feel uneasy. Let go of that feeling and have a good time at the party.

Typically in Japan, weddings are done like this;

(A) First you have a ceremony (shiki) with only about ten close relatives attending. Guests (the relatives) don't pay anything.

(B) The ceremony is followed by a gorgeous, formal, seated banquette (hirou-en) where usually about a hundred people with invitations would attend. This is provided to the guests free of charge, but the guests are expected to give a valuable gift in return. The gift is typically an item or neat cash enclosed in a decorated envelope with names written by brush.

(C) Following the banquette or on another following date, there will be a casual second party (niji-kai) where anyone is free to come on the spot. Either casual invitations or flyers are handed out in advance and no responses from guests are required. A fixed price, typically 5000 yen to 10000 yen, will be collected from their wallets at the entrance. Food is typically provided buffet style, and there will be games and light entertainment by friends.

People are free to give gifts to the couple whether or not they attend any of the above. The couple should then give a smaller gift in return later.

I think what the OP's son is trying to do is to skip (B). That to me is not strange at all. It happens all the time. Many people would even skip (A). Guests are still free to give gifts if they want to, and by attending the party, they will be enjoying the atmosphere. It's more like a get-together than a formal banquett.

One thing does puzzle me, however. Why bother to write "no gifts"? All they have to do is to write "kai-hi-sei no party o shimasu (We will have a fixed-fee party." and it would automatically mean that you don't have to bring anything but the fixed fee. This would sound less "refusing". And if they happen to be planning to hold a party where people pay indivisually depending on how much they ate, that is going to bother the restaurant cashier.

Uco,

By way of explanation, "no gifts" is a standard phrase used in the United States. You often see this printed on a formal wedding invitation. It doesn't carry a negative implication of refusal. (And by custom people often interpret it to mean "no large gifts" and give a "gesture" offering anyway, usually delivered in person rather than at the reception.)

This has been an interesting thread to follow. Hopefully the original poster feels more comfortable now with the plans for the reception, which make total sense in Japan but would be be considered quite tacky in the U.S.

Thank you for the imput, Uma. So as long as they don't clearly mention "no gifts" in the Japanese version of their invitation or flyer, I find nothing odd about it.

Thank you. Your many responses have been reassuring. It still feels strange to me, but I won't worry so much about their decision to hold a fixed fee party if that is a familiar practice in Japan.

I just was worried that they were proposing something that would be considered out of place in both cultures. It is good to know that Japanese guests will understand this type of invitation to a fixed fee party.

Uco,
The term "no gifts" is my own phrase as it might be used in the US. I don't know how my son and his fiance plan to write their invitations, but I will give them your suggested wording: "Kai-hi-sei no party o shimasu".

While this may be familiar to their Japanese guests, the practice will seem strange for the few American guests who might be coming to the wedding. They will have many other travel expenses, so my husband and I will probably pay the fixed party fee for them.

Although couples DO write ''no gifts'' on their wedding invitations in the US (and for other parties as well), it is nontheless quite rude to do so. The host and hostess are not supposed to be thinking about getting gifts in the first place. See Miss Manners for more information. http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlepage.aspx?cp-d...

If you read the original post carefully, you'll be aware that the wedding is to be held in Kobe, Japan, not in the US.
You cannot impose "American manners" onto the people in Japan. Different countries have different customs.

Marina,

And if you carefully read the article you linked to , Miss Manners says that while one shouldn't put gift instructions on an invitation, well intentioned people are breaking the rule. Her main point being that "no gifts" shouldn't be taken as code for "bring gifts" or "give money instead".