not invited

my bf's sister is getting married next month somewhere in the north and from the look of things, i am not invited at all. my bf has been updating me about it but hasn't made any mention whether i need to go or not. i'm quite worried about its implications because it might mean that his family is probably thinking our relationship is not that serious (although i'm always invited in their house and been treated very warmly) or worse, is ashamed about their son's foreigner gf. i need somebody's insights about this. thanks a lot!

It is not common in Japan to invite girlfrieds or fiances to siblings' weddings, if that is your question.

You don't have to worry about it at all! It simply is not common in Japan to invite "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" to familly/relative occasions like weddings. Once you get married (or at least engaged with both parents' formal acknowledgement), you will be considered "officially" part of the family and invited to "official" occasions among relatives.

The family may be thinking they are doing you a favor-going to a Japanese wedding requires you to dish out quite a bit of money as a wedding gift and if you are living on a shoestring-being invited can be a hardship. A Japanese wedding to me (as an American) seemed more to do with the couple's friends, then with extended family members. The families were at tables way back from the bride and groom and the friends all had close by tables and good views of the couple. Oh yes, but I got a nice gift back for the $500 I dished out for the "expected"" wedding gift.

As above, it's normal not to invite boyfriends and girlfriends to weddings etc. In a way, your relationship isn't seen as serious unless you are married or at least engaged, but that isn't just your boyfriend's family, it's the general perception.

Don't take it as an insult.

i felt relieved after reading all your responses. this issue has been nagging me for months and i'm quite ashamed to talk it over with my bf (as if i'm a primadonna gf!). anyway, am i not expected to give money as a present since i'm not invited? is it alright to give presents, in kind? thanks!

Ella, those who are not invited to the wedding or party are not expected to give any kind of gifts whatsoever. You are free to give something, but that's not expected, and in fact, an expensive gift can be a burden to the receiver since they are expected to give gifts in return. Typically, girlfriends won't do anything but perhaps to say to the boyfriend, "Tell them my congratulations." (in which boyfriends usually forget about anyway.) If you insist on expressing your presense however, a lovely card might be enough.

Your boyfriend is probably talking about it just because the wedding is what keeps him busy these days and also because he enjoys sharing family matters with you. I'm sure it hasn't even occured to him that he should be thinking whether he should be inviting you or not.

hi uco! thanks a lot for taking the time to answer my post. now i know well where to put myself in this situation :-)

to ella:

Just to add my experience, I recently got married and wanted to invite my soon-to-be-brother-in-law's fiance. I was told that she would not normally be invited but we did anyway.

to tess:

The families were at tables way back from the bride and groom and the friends all had close by tables and good views of the couple.

This was explained to me that the families sit at the back since they are hosting the wedding. And that the closest seats were reserved for your bosses and people from work.

When I got married to my Japanese husband I had a similar problem. I wanted to invite my sisters boyfriend, my husband did not. I didnLt see it as a problem because they had been together for years and he felt like one in the family, but my husband could not understand this and it created much arguing between us. In the end, the boyfriend of my sister got invited, because this wedding was held in my homecountry, and I really thought we must respect my homecountryLs customs since we were there. ItLs not always easy to be married with someone from a different culture...

One of the major problems of inviting boyfriends/girlfriends of family members when hosting weddings in Japan is that then you need to start thinking about inviting boyfriends/girlfriends of all the other family members just to be fair.

This will make the banquette bigger than the host can afford (financial-wise, space-wise and energy-wise), and as mentioned previously it will be a burden to the (usually young) boyfriend/girlfriend since they will have to bring gift money.

Similarly, quite often spouse of the newlywed's best friends end up getting uninvited to the big banquette. Hosts would often appologize about this, but once you do a wedding yourself, you can understand how nerve-wrecking it is to decide who to invite and where to have them seated.

Also, even if the girlfriend/boyfriend is invited, the host would be hesitant to have them seated with the family since they need to honor them as "guests" and not the hosting family yet. Therefore they end up being seated with people they don't know at all.

But at the end, this is a free country and as long as everyone involved has agreed, you are free to hold weddings and banquettes in any style you want. Also, there often is a casual "second party" mainly for the younger generation members which is usually held in buffet style and anyone who can pay the reasonable fixed fee is free to come. Perhaps the OP can be invited to this if her boyfriend is not too shy about it.

Btw, marriage itself is a great big cultural gap no matter what nationality your spouse is :)