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saying thanks but no thanks Politely? 2008/11/20 20:19
Hello! I'm a ryugakusei studying in a japanese college. there is a korean girl who sits next to me in class. we have lunch and attend lectures together but we're not very close so we don't really meet up or hangout outside of school.

the thing is, the korean girl [let's call her H] tends to be overly helpful too often, and this has led to many embarrassing situations.

one example: Once, I casually mentioned to H that I wanted to pass some omiyage to my lecturer. I intended to do so a while later when my lecturer was free, cos we could see that she was in the midst of speaking to some guests and it would be terribly rude to interrupt. To my horror, H started calling out to my lecturer and gesturing that I wanted to speak to her. My lecturer gestured back for us to wait, but H approached her and I tried to pull her back/dissuade her to no avail. In the end, I had to g over too and quickly give the omiyage with my most apologetic face, and I was too embarrassed to even say anything.

I have no idea if she is just extremely kuki yomenai or it's just her character to help people without thinking of anything else!! anyway there are many similar incidents and I get extremely annoyed, and I'm on the verge of starting to hate her because of that behaviour.
I know she means well but we're all adults-I really don't need help for every single thing or simple things I can obviously handle myself.

H and i communicate in japanese, and while she speaks it fluently as she has been living in japan for 6 years, I've only been here for 1.5 years so my spoken japanese is still not very good. I tried sending her an email in japanese saying thanks for her good intentions but there are some things I can do and wish to do myself.. but she didn't really understand what I was trying to say and she thought that I found her to be jama when she was only trying to help me. I have no idea how to convey how I feel politely, without her getting hurt.

Other than this problem, I think H is really a nice person so I don't want to lose this friend.
Please help!! =(
by rukia  

. 2008/11/22 00:53
I unnderstand how you feel.... What I would do is to avoid the situation. You could also tell her that you grew up in a place where every person has her/his particular ways of doing things and people let her/him do as she/he pleases, and that's how you feel comfortable. Blame it on the "cultural difference". If she really is a nice person, she will respect your wishes. But you might have to keep some healthy distance from her.
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advise from friends? 2008/11/22 14:28
Rukia, don't you have other friends at your school? I'm sure they share the same problem about her and can talk to you about how you can cope with it. But at the end of the day, I think you have to tell her straightforward that she's not really helping you.
by Uco rate this post as useful

same problem advice appreciated 2008/12/2 16:12
I have an overzealous neighbour. She is my husbands friend.Anyway a couple of weeks ago she called my husband at work and told him she wanted to bring her kid over to play with my child. He in turn called me and told me. I told him I was planning to go out so he said just do not take her call. So I went out she called at 1 30 pm and I did not take the call. Then my husband called and told me that they had called him and said they brought some stew over and I was not home so they left it in our parcel box downstairs. This is not the first time she called my husband when he is busy to arrange a play date. I tried to be nice last year and arranged a play date at a park but have since stopped suggesting any such thing as she would call me/him every Sunday at 8am to see if he could bring her kid over at 9am and I just felt stalked. Anyway I have avoided bumping into them since the udon thing although I did the polite thing and thanked them by phone for the gift. Last night I bumped into her in a shopping area and she was friendly but I excused myself and said I had shopping to do and zoomed off. Anyway I was standing with my child about 20 minutes after encountering her and she made a bee line over and she looked very angry and to be honest scared me a bit. she said to my child mata asobo ne and patted him on the head. So even though I made it clear I do not want much to do with her she has indicated that this will go on.
by astro rate this post as useful

.. 2008/12/4 20:15
There are people not easily can get it. but you can just be honest, but not rude.

For example in the situation you mentioned, I would say directly after that to her * Thank you so much for your help, but you really did not have to do that, in fact I prefer if you didn't do so. I ll ask you whenever I need help, and you can ask me too if u need help."

something along this line.

if she gets upset and you lost her, then she is not really a good friend, and you probably don't mind to lose her.

if she kept doing the same, u can keep sending negative messages. eventually you can employ the ignoring method. which is just staying away as much as possible. in all this you should not be rude.

some people no method works with them, then you have to live with it, or return them the same favors .
by Wakarimasen rate this post as useful

polite but casual 2009/2/28 21:05
You don't have to directly explain your feelings. In fact, that might be embarrassing for both you and her. Just keep acting polite but not overly friendly and she will get the message.
by .... (guest) rate this post as useful

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