gf family, reject offer to pay 4 dinner

Hi All,
I am currently dating my girlfriend for the past 2 years. (she's Japanese, i'm Australian)

when i stay with her and her family in Tokyo, whenever we go to a restaurant...

i offer to pay for the meal, but my girlfriend always says ''ur a guest, we will pay'' or her parents will say ''it's ok, U don't need to pay.''

its like a scene from Seinfeld, when Jerry and his dad argue over who's going to pay...

recently my girlfriend has started to say.. ''ur a part of the family, so U dont need to pay''

how would i go about paying for the dinner?
or what should i do ??

i want to take her parents and my girlfriend out to dinner, and pay for it myself...

hmmm im in a similar case as you, 2 years and aus myself. My background is asian though so all i can say is that unless you are older, have a full time job, married etc. i think its weird for you to pay for the parents. Just make sure you give them gifts and be courteous when you are shouted.

It often happens that the "hosts" pay for everything when a foreign guest is visiting them in Japan, and when they come to visit you in your country, you'll be the host, (apart from the question of whether they will actually visit you in your country in the relatively near future or not). So it might be difficult to actually pay for dinner while you are in Japan.

Of course on the parents' side, the dad is the "head of the family," so he would want to pay for everything.

Another thing to note: It sounds like your girlfriend considers herself "part of her family," meaning belonging to her parents, rather than "the two of you together." Eventually things might change so that it will be "the two of you (as a couple)," being independent from her parents, and being courteous to and reciprocating the favor to the parents - it might take some convincing, or it might just be a question of time, but your girlfriend would "over time" learn to detach herself from the parents, and not rely on them for dinner and stuff, but that's another story :)

The only way I have found to be able to pay for diner when I am with GF family, is toward the end of the meal make a trip to the restroom and then find the staff and pay for dinner. It only works sometimes. :)

Wanting to pay versus having to pay as a guest of her family involves new thread by you.

Next time make a reservation ahead and invite them, and discreetly excuse yourself and pay it.

Surprise them.

Naturally her parents will protest, but her parents will understand, especially her father.

And continue to show to them that you are willing to pay when you are their guest.

We've been (J to J) married for 22 years and neither of us have ever paid for meals when dining with our parents or in-laws. Some locals say that once you start earning income, you should pay for your folks, but then, I think the golden rule in Japan is "the senior person with income pays."

So if a parent or parent-in-law insists on paying, I think it can even be rude to deny it. Theorretically, it's almost like suggesting that they can't manage the payment and that you can do it better. Usually it's proper to just humbly offer to pay, and then if they insist on paying you should promptly accept it with a bow and "gochisosamadesu."

If you want to pay for meals, invite them home for homemade cooking. Otherwise, wait until their wedding aniversary and tell them you want to host a dinner. You don't have to surprise them. They might end up regreting they ordered too much. Arrange a dinner, order all your recommendations and pay for it as they finish their coffee.

I forgot to add that even if they are retired, as long as they have enough pension or fortune or pride, it is usually their wish to pay and the children should honor that.

Hi All,
thanks for your comments...I'll keep them in my mind, the next time i join my girlfriend and her parents for meal at restaurant.
I'll offer to pay, but if i get rejected, i will accept their decision, and show my appreciation (^-^)