when not to send a new year card?

I am unsure as to the etiquette regarding New Year greeting cards. A friend of mine lost her boyfriend recently . I understand in that case, I should not send her a New Year Greetings Card?

Also, how far does this extend? can I send her a birthday card or write her a letter?

I would be very grateful if someone could explain this to me. I want to write to her but at the same time don't want to cause her any discomfort.

"Lost" as in he died? Traditionally in that case people send out special cards asking not to be sent New Year's cards, but many younger people don't really bother with that tradition, so it's up to you. My husband (Japanese) didn't send out those cards after his father died, some people still sent him nengajou, no-one was upset. I doubt she would be offended by a New Year card, but a letter in place of a card seems like a good idea.

Since birthday cards aren't really a Japanese tradition anyway, I feel they aren't really covered in this situation, and if I were her I'd be feeling a bit sad and forgotten if no-one sent me a birthday card after my partner died!

Thanks Sira. Yes, her boyfriend died.

According to my Japanese friend ''don't send New Year cards or any kind of greeting card'' at such a time.

But according to another friend, New Year cards only should not be sent.

Alex,

Being a Japanese resident I still agree with Sira and can't really agree with your Japanese friends, but then, it might depend on each person's custom which may often differ depending on the region.

But the basic idea is this: When someone close to you passes away, you feel very sad and most people prefer to be in mourning. When you're in mourning, most of the time you wouldn't feel like doing anything congratulatory. For example, partying or sending the word ''happy'' as in ''Happy New Year'' or ''Happy Birthday'' is often to be avoided.

Japanese tradition is very specific on how long that mourning should last. It does differ depending on the region, but for most people, a parent's death requires 1 year of mourning, a child's death requires 3 months, and so on, but aunts, uncles, cousins and boyfriends or even fiances don't count. According to custom that is.

And again, some people even prefer not to follow the old-fashioned custom. For example, when I or my husband's grandparents died, we took it for granted that we don't send new years congratulations to our parents, but when our parents found out that they're not getting our new year cards, they were a bit upset. ''Tradition is silly. We need something cheerful.'' they said.

Or some would just send a card or a note mentioning the birthday or new years or whatever without using the word ''happy.'' Something with a more quiet tone.

Again the idea is to be thoughtful for the friend and think about how she would want to spend her new years. It's up to you. If you have mutual friends, perhaps it's just safe to do what those friends do, or you can just ignore Japanese tradition and send whatever you'd send in your custom. For example, a Christian European would typically send a Christmas card instead.

thanks Sira and Uco.

It was a very sad story. My friend's boyfriend was taken seriously ill suddenly and died at the age of 38. My friend was devastated. He died just before her birthday and the funeral was held on the day of her birthday.
This happened in the summer. My friend has been depressed, lonely and so sad since it all happened.

I didn't give her any kind of card or present on her birthday as it was the day of the funeral and it just didn't seem right.

But about 1 month later I gave her a small gift.

She used to be one of the most cheerful people I knew, but now she is just a shadow of her former self.

Thanks for explaining about the custom Uco regarding the time frame . I didn't know about that at all!


I sent a new Year card to a student last year, but one of her parents had died that year. Next time I met her she said "Thank you for the card but .... " and apologized for not having sent me the notification card (I'm not sure how to call it) and she gave me one then.

After that, I wondered about the tradition and how to know whether to send a card or not.


I'll see how my friend does, if she recovers and begins to feel better I might send her one, but if she continues in this low state, perhaps it's better not to.

Look, the simple answer is this. If you're unsure what to do then follow tradition and don't send anything like that to her for a year. I'm not sure if boyfriends fall into that equation but you're better safe than sorry. On the other hand, you are a foreigner and are not expected to know the rules. This close to New Years I'd say skip the NY card. Birthday.....depends on how far off it is. If it's in January you might want to skip it. If it's next summer, why not? Good luck.

Jim, the tradition is to ignore boyfriends. But reading Alex's last post, it all makes sense. I think you are doing the right thing, Alex. But then, sometimes I think that foreign friends get to use the excuse of sending Christmas season greetings in mid December instead. After all, Christmas is the time to think about our less fortunate friends. Just a thought.